I have had up to over my head with Baby this baby that.
I have to come to grips with this. I have to be prepared some how for a life with out what I have always dreamed of.

I am up to night because I have sinus infection and this medicine I am taking is keeping me awake..........
But I have been thinking lately about this.
I need to do something for my self to kind of keep an honor to all of the trials I have gone through in the last 7 years ttc.
I get so depressed on Mother's Day.
I don't want anything to do with it.
This year I am going to buy my self 6 things......
One thing for every mother's day that I have been in dispair over not having a baby.
I have decided that I am going to wear a locket around my neck.....
with something personable that will be e reminder of a baby.....
a locket with Cross so I can have it in graved with a short verse or something.
I just want people to know and understand that living with the problem of ttc can be almost as pain as if I had miscarried, or something.
The unborn, never concieved dream is still just has hurtful and painful.
Maybe by literially "wearing my heart" on my sleeve maybe I will get some understanding..........if not well at least the will be speechless when I tell them that these things are for my unconcieved baby....
the child in my soul...
the longing
the despiration with no where to turn
the unbelief, the hopes
shattered every minute every second
every heartbeat that beats in my chest
my innermost soul aches severely for the precious gift that
so many take for granted.
with nothing to do but dream and wait
Pray and pray
and trust that even though my heartache is SO bad that the Lord knows
what he is doing and that it is the best for this time in my life
even though I don't understand and may never
I have to learn to cope whatever way possible.

******sigh*****
Good night

I know and understand this pain you are expressing. It is a loss not to have a baby. Only we don't have memories to help us cope like when someone dear to us dies. We only have the dream to mourn. I actually got pg the first IUI but miscarried. The pain from that was and is still intense. I don't know if I'm just having a bad day emotionally today but I have actually considered not going ahead next month with IUI again. I have actually considered ending the ttc journey. It's been burdening me the last few days and today I talked to dh about it. He of course being the wonderful man he is said no matter what I decide he will support me. He is my rock and my strength and through everything we've been through with all this, his love has been steadfast. I know I will be okay if I decide to end this journey now, somehow I will find a way to cope, but I know I will have bad days. It's so hard to imagine that going ahead with IUI again may still not guarantee me a baby. I don't know if I want to go back on that emotional rollercoaster, especially to be let down again. Everyone around me has no clue what I'm feeling. They say "keep trying until the dr's tell you not to." Or "why don't you just adopt?" These things are fine to say to me but it's not that easy for me to do. They don't know the emotional toll it has taken on my self being. None of them have had to go through what I have. And still there are no guarantees. These are my feelings lately and your post has inspired me to express them. Thank you and my prayers are with you.

I can't imagine the intense pain of a mc.
Anyone who experiences one, and especially when they have been struggling to concieve, as got to be so strong.
The courage it would take, blows my mind.
You should take time to grieve and keep trying in the future.
You have more courage then you think.

God Bless.

Thank you so much for your kind words. No matter what I decide please know again that I know and feel your pain. It's so hard. I will be praying that God will help you to get through this. You know I actually think I have grieved my miscarriage, it happened two weeks before Christmas, but with AF only being 2 weeks away I'm getting scared to start this process again. Scared of the unknown, scared to be let down again. All I do know right now is this isn't the way it should be for any of us with infertility. Most women dream of growing up, getting married, and having a family. That's the American dream. I never imagined I would have all these problems trying to have a child. And now going through it, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to face my whole life. I pray every night for all of us on this board. Hopefully, somehow, someway, we will all get our miracle.

When I sleep I dream of these children.
I am so sure that they are mine.
I was in the ER one night and there was this little girl
she was beautiful eyes the bluest I have ever seen and lashes so thick and dark.
Porcelin skin.
I left there that night and all I could see was this childs face.
I went to a Bob Evans gift shop and there was a picture of a child angel with
the same features.
If the picture hadn't been 89.00 dollars I would have bought it.

I hadn't seen any pictures of my husband as a baby. Just some when he was born and then from 3 up.
but this weekend I was given an 8x10 photo and his face reminds me of one of children I have dreamed of.

There certain characteristics that some children have that make me stare, and I know the parents are probably uncomfortable, ya know a stranger stareing at their children. It is something in their eyes, their face, that I can't put my finger on.

I pray that everyone here gets their dream of being a parent.
Satisfy their souls, and ease their hearts, I know everyone here has so much love
just waiting to be poured out into their childrens lives.

I thank you for your prayers and for talking to me on this subject.
It feels good to talk about this kind of stuff. People around me hear say things like this and about my dreams and they more or less roll their eyes, and turn off their ears.
Like good grief, or what ever.

I have known for 6 years now that having a baby was not happening. but here in the last few weeks it seems that have to have a reality check. I have to grasp this and make peace with it some how.
Because it has been a back of my mind thought that I may never have one, but I am trying to make peace with this fact and tell my self that even if I don't have a child I can still live and celebrate the life I have lived and still be satisfied even if.............

Does that make sense I hope.

You make perfect sense with everything you have said. It does help to talk about our innermost thoughts and feelings. Only other women going through this can truly understand. When I was pg I had so many dreams of our baby. It was always a boy. I know it was, even though the fetus didn't develop, because the sex of the baby is determined when the sperm fertilizes the egg. My dreams were so wonderful..... I will continue to pray for you and the peace that only God can give you that passes all understanding. Hang in there. Take care.