Hi, everyone.

Here's my story in brief: 33 yrs. old, ttc for almost 4 1/2 yrs. After 4 yrs. of dealing with an incompetent doc, we've gone to see a fertility specialist. We've done the sperm counts (all low), and the tube block test (clean). Our next step is IUI.

Here's my confusion: I am feeling so many mixed emotions about doing the IUI. When I was a little kid, I would say that when I grew up I wanted to be: a mommy. When we first started ttc, I wanted a child so badly. Now, some days I do, and some days I don't. It is soooo confusing to me. My dh has said that he's ready to do the IUI any time I'm ready, and whenever I make up my mind, just let him know. Some days I really want to do this, and become a mommy and have little ones around. It makes me cry to read books about other couples and their struggles to conceive. It's such an emotional and overwhelming feeling, and when I think about how much I love my dh, I know for certain that I want to have children and we should proceed. But then, there are days when I am so busy, or tired, or we get into a little tiff, and the first thing that runs through my mind is: well, i sure don't want to have kids. I try to tell myself that if I get pregnant, and as soon as the baby is born, it will all be worth it, and I'll be glad I did this. But, having 4 1/2 yrs. almost to think about it, I see it some days as a sacrifice of my current daily routine. I know that sounds awful, but that's not how it is every day...just every other day, because on the other day, I want kids. :confused:

Here's my question: Has anybody else gone through this mental torture? Am I just being self-protective, and have my barrier walls up keeping me from getting hurt? Or do I really not want kids? Oh, please help me...if I knew I wasn't the only one going through this, I wouldn't feel like such an indecisive dork. I am feeling more like a loser, and less like a woman because I can't make up my mind if I want children (and it's much more serious than it sounds...it sounds as if I'm deciding between McDonald's or pizza, but that's not the way it's meant). Please help me with my confusion!

Thanks so much,
Squirt

Hi Squirt,

You're going through completely normal feelings. I'm going on my third IVF and still have those feelings sometimes. It's because we DO have so much time to think about all of the consequences that the fertiles of the world don't have to. You've had 4 1/2 years to think about having children, it's only natural that you're going to be indecisive sometimes. I sometimes think, well maybe it's not meant to be then. But I still want it, so I continue on this path. IF is a very stressful disease, cut yourself some slack.

Best of luck to you,

Nic

I agree with Nickelly, you are not the only one. When you don't have IF you just "magically" become preg. and don't have the chance to think about it. When you've ttc it is planned and actually have the chance to teeter totter on both sides which can make it harder, i think.

In my case it's not so much that I don't want kids but after 4 years of ttc, it seems like every time I take a step forward, I take two back and I start to feel like I'm never going to be able to have kids so I start thinking about my life without them. Like you said, your routine would be changed a lot, money going out etc...and sometimes that sounds like I could handle that, other days I don't think I could bear it. In the long run once you get pregnant you will probably forget all of that and be so happy. Try thinking about if you go through the whole IF process and still don't have a baby, will that make you sad? Try to look another 4 years down the line. If that would make you feel sad then you probably really do want kids and are just being protective. It's hard to keep getting your hopes up to have them crushed and we all deal with that in different ways.

I don't even know if anything I said helps or makes any sense, but bottom line is....you are not alone. I think many of us have the same feelings. Many of us have had IUI's too and can hold your hand through it!

Good luck!

Thank you two so much for your answers and support! I really like the idea of trying to think of my life a few years from now and see where I'd like it to be, and trying to determine from there. I think the waiting to conceive is definitely the worst part right now, since we do have the "hope's up, hope's down, we're never going to get pregnant" cycles. My dh and I decided long ago into this that we wouldn't have IVF, and our doc says we can only do the IUI 4 times. Is it possible that I'm almost to the end of my ttc rope and I'm petrified we won't end up having a baby once it's all said and done? I can control my anger, my happiness, my everyday life's emotions and even pms (sometimes), but, all these emotions that are seeming to come out of nowhere for me lately with the IUI possibility...well, I'm not handling them too well, and I don't think I even know half of them that exist, yet. Thanks again for the support, and good luck to both of you and your dh's.

Squirt

I know exactly how you feel and I think it is normal with the long time trying to conceive and the feelings you get when it seems everyone around you has no problem conceiving. I know that what I experienced, and even at times felt maybe I wasn't the kind of person to have children, even though like you I had always dreamed of it and was extremely close and involved w/ my nieces. I think its just a way we try to protect ourselves.

I hope that you are as happy with Fertiltiy specialist as I was mine. Did they do a Laproscopy and Hystoscopy after the test to see if your tubes were blocked. When he did the die, the tubes were fine but it showed my uterus either had a septum or was deformed, cause it looked like a Y instead of an upside down triangle. He then did the Laproscopy and Hystoscopy and noticed that I had the septum (which is a birthdefect that is like cartlidge) and he cut it out. I ended up having to also try Clomid after another year of nothing happening on our own. But I was extremely lucky to have great luck with my first try of Clomid and we conceived. I tell you that wonderful feeling comes flooding back and the wanting of the child. Of course you think of how much your life will change and its still scarey but nothing I wouldn't be willing and looking forward too experiencing. I will be praying for you and wishing you Baby Dust!!! :angel: Good luck!! Hang in there. I too was 33 when I conceived. I will be 34 this coming Sunday!! I never thought I would be having my first child this late in life. But obviously the Lord had other plans for me.

Hi, Teresa.

Thank you for sharing with me. Ever since I posted on this board, I have been feeling better and not so down on myself. All the support has been so appreciated, and apparently so needed. I had a nice long talk with my sister about how I was feeling, and what it's like for her, with 2 kids. She put me at ease with a lot of issues I was having that I didn't realize I was having. I am now thinking with a much clearer head, and not feeling like such a horrible woman. Thank you all so much!!!

Squirt

p.s. Congratulations on your birthday, and your conception! God Bless.