I am helping to take care of my elderly parents. they are both at home but need more care. I have been doing this for years and as a result I don't have a life and i am so stressed out. My sister is no help and adds to there problems with her constant demands for money(she's older!) They are in their mid 80's. I am all alone in this. My husband died 3yrs ago and it's been non stop since and before then! My dad is still trying to control things and dosen't even have a power of atty(he's retired atty!) I'm against a rock and a hard place because every time i try to intervene, I end up being the bad guy. They are always making excuses for my sister. I need help in what to do with my parents living arrangements, financial matters, etc. Maybe i should just let whatever is going to happen, happen. I cannot take this craziness anymore. My mom definitely belongs in an assited living enviornment and my dad's getting more confused by the day and has had many falls. How do i help them without going under?? I need a lawyer or something. I am one person in an extremely stressfull situation. Any advice as to what to do or how to help??

may I add, that i am also in poor health r/t stress and this situation is making it worse by the day.

Oh ginli, my heart goes out to you! ((((hugs)))

Will your parents give you power of attorney?

My friend has been going through a similar situation.

Her mom had Alzheimer's, which forced her to put her in a nursing home. Then her dad had a severe stoke, which left both her parents in a nursing home. They are both hearing impaired.

Then she recently got word that hospice was being called in for her mother. Sadly she passed away March 27. Now, she is working on trying to bring him home with her, which he so wants.

She had one sister who through this whole thing hasn't helped at all! Her sister lives in PA and my friend lives in FL....Even when she notified her sister of her mothers health and hospice being called in, her sister never came.

Her dad owns a home and gave her power of attorney, he told her to sell his home. She is in the process of that right now... She let her sister know, there is no money left to give.

My friends health isn't well either. She was in a car wreck which did damage to her legs, she can't walk very far without resting.

I've seen what's she's going though, it isn't pretty. She had to be at the nursing home every day, for her dad's physical therapy as he's hearing impaired and she has to translate during the therapy.

Now she's worrying how she's going to survive on his SSI of nine hundred or so a month.. She knows she can't work and take care of him..

It's very sad and my heart goes out to you and all who are going through this.

I'm saying a Prayer for all of you in this situation.

I hope things work out for you!

Thankyou, Cook. It is hard. I am under so much stress. My dad is hard of hearing, too, which makes it even more difficult. I just don't know what to do in this situation. My sister is in la la land and never helps out and she lives closer than i do. Isn't that always the way? I feel for your friend, too. God love her. At least her father gave her power of atty. thanks again, cook.

Your welcome ginli!

I wish I could offer you more advise. You are between a rock and a hard place!

You need to take care of yourself too!

It's a shame your sister doesn't help more. Luckily for my friend, her father sees her sister for what she is, thus giving my friend full authority over matters.

It's very common to become depressed when in this situation. Know your not alone and there are others who know what your going through and can relate.
Seeing what my friend is going through, I am one!

I Pray your situation gets better!

Hi Ginli....I can really feel for you as I'm in a very similar situation. I didn't know where to put my post so it's actually under Ageing Issues - it's called "I need help with my 80 year old father", if you want to read it.

I too can't get power of attorney as my father is convinced we’re all after his money and would see that request as definite proof. My brother has decided to have no more to do with anyone which leaves it all down to me (as I’m trying to protect my sons from it as much as is humanly possible).

Don’t know about you but it just feels a lot better knowing that others can appreciate how I feel……………thank heavens for Healthboards.

Love and hugs
xxx

thankyou, liz, for replying. I am doing this alone, t oo, without help from my sister who is adding to the stress. it is very wearing emotionally. I am going to see an atty(don't know who yet) who deals with these issues. Maybe you should, too, seeing we are the only ones whose shoulders this is all going to fall on. THe consult is free in this case, and at least they can offer some advice. Now, whether our dads take it, is another thing. Goodluck, Liz! xo

Good luck to you too Ginli……………..hope you have success with an attorney. I know that there’s no way my dad would listen to anyone. I contacted my brother again just to try and get him to help but he wont. If I’m truthful I’d like to duck out too but I know that my conscience just wont let me. I suppose the greatest problem is that there appears to be no end in sight – although he’s nearly 80 he’s actually in good physical condition – it’s just mentally that there’s a problem. I have to not think too much about the future – the possibility of another 10 – 15 years of dealing with this is just too much.

Let me know how you get on.

xxx

dear lizbef, this is exactly how i feel. there is no end in site. plus, i'm having a meltdown. horrible dreams last night. the fact that there is no one else that i can turn to is disturbing to me. I am all alone in this. there must be some way in which we can deal with this and get some help. good luck, lizbef. xox

I think unfortunately the answer is that there is no help – except from ourselves. We have to find a way to be strong………….somehow!!! My husband is trying to be supportive but finds it hard at times – he lost his dad just over a year ago and has problems with his mum (although nothing like mine!). One thing he does say though that makes good sense is to deal with the things that can be dealt with – there’s no point worrying about the things you can’t do anything about. Wise words but not always easy to stick to!! It was perhaps better phrased by Reinhold Niebuhr: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Thinking of you often………….I’m always here when you need someone to moan to !!!

xxxx

Oh Lizbef, I love the serenity prayer! Thankyou for reminding me!! You're lucky you still have your husband to be supportive. Mine died 4yrs ago and it's so hard to do this stuff alone! How i miss his support! I was thinking of going to NC for a week if i can get my sorry a-s on a plane! I just need time to think and get away from all this sadness. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Godbless you xoxo

Time alone sounds a good move ginli...........where's NC?

Must admit my hubby and I went off to Jamaica for a rest a few weeks ago - it was wonderful - mostly cos it was so hot (and I just hate being cold and believe me March in the UK can be reeeeealy cold!!) but the main benefit was I told my dad my mobile phone didn't work there so I was uncontactable for 2 whole weeks.........bliss :)
xxxx

I'm new to this board so please forgive any errors. I am in the same boat as both of you and really need someone who can relate. Do you mind if I butt into your conversations?

Hi ZeeZee. please share your input! We all need someone to talk these things over with. I went to the elder law atty with my dad today. what a mess! it's so overwhelming to me! plus, i have to help him sell some property as he cannot take care of it anymore and God knows, i've tried but he's hard to deal with when it comes to this. there are so many things that we are facing now so please comment anytime about anything that is bothering you. maybe we can find some answers together. xox

oh thank you for answering! I'm so upset tonight that I don't know what to do. You have your own problems and don't need mine but it's nice just to have someone to talk to.

yes, please do share, zeezee! you need to vent, too. we all do. it makes you feel better. [ comment removed ] feel free to write anything you wish as it will be good for you to get it off your shoulders! if i don't reply tonight, it means i'm offline but i will check tommorrow. Godbless

I am so sorry that you are going throught this. I work in a nursing home and I know the stress you are under. May I suggest reaching out to your community senior advocates. There should be someone who will listen and go to bat for you. Even calling in a social worker.

You cannot care for them and put yourself in jeopardy. If your father refuses to give you power of attorney. There is little you can do, unless you can find a social worker to intervene.

Please look into this. I hurt for you, but there is hope! Stay in touch

Hi Zeezee - welcome to the boards. :wave: Hi Ginli – haven’t heard from you in a while – how are things? Not much has happened with my father. I tried again to get my brother to be involved but no great success although when Dad phoned him last week he agreed to rejoin the Lottery syndicate with him – so I suppose that’s a start.

I realise our problems are slightly different as there are obviously differences between the way things work in our countries. Thanks for your comments Jillybird but we don’t have community senior advocates unfortunately. My biggest problem is that there isn’t really anyone who can/will help. We have Social Services but to be honest they are not always renown for their sensitive ways of dealing with things!!! I’m anxious not to antagonise Dad unless I really have to – he would view any intervention by a Social Worker as a failure on his part and a gross intrusion into his life.

Haven’t been on here for a while myself as I’ve had other problems to contend with – my husband’s job is really stressful at the moment and the combination of that and the problems with his mum (his dad died a year ago) and my dad, has put a tremendous strain on our relationship. We nearly split at the weekend but have decided to try for a little longer………we need to concentrate a little more on each other I feel. It’s so good to have these boards to enable us to let off steam…………..it’s great knowing that there is someone else, even if thousands of miles away, who understands exactly how you feel.

Stay in touch……..thinking of you

Hi Ladies!

I'm normally on the pain management boards but when I read your posts, it brought back bittersweet and yes, some painful memories.

I've been a caregiver my entire adult life. First it was my father in the 1970's, then my grandmother in the 1980's and lastly my beloved mother in the 1990's until she passed away in '96. I know so well what you are going thru and the emotional rollcoaster you're always on. Sometimes it's just stress, sometimes it's anger, sometimes it's guilt, sometimes it's sheer exhaustion. When you are a caregiver, you tend to not allow yourself a life. I turned down two marriage proposals during my mother's illness. These guys just didn't get it that my sole purpose in life was to take care of my mother (she deserved it so much cause in my eyes she was (and is) a saint. I had no social life. My spare time was filled with dr. appt., cooking a seperate meal for my mother (she had problems with chewing), cleaning up poop ( she had bowel problems), getting up several times during the night to help her to the bathroom (until finally the dr. put a catheter in after he took one look at me and said you look worse than your Mom), going back and forth to hospitals when she had to be admitted, and thru all of these daily chores, trying to keep her spirits up when mine were non-existent. Fortunately with my mother, I did have a power of attorney (it's a must!) and I was her healthcare surrogate (another must!) and she, for the most part, knew I had her best interests at heart. With my father it was a different story. He was a driven man and had a terrible time dealing with his loss of independence and his role as a provider. Patience was the name of the game with my father. And what I found to be the key to all my caregiving was that of making each one feel needed even when they barely knew their own name. It never failed: a twinkle came to their eyes if I just complimented them in some way, or asked them a simple question even though I knew the answer, or if I asked their opinion about something, whether their opinion made sense or not. It gave them a small reason for existing. There were of course many difficult times. Sometimes I just wanted to go to a solitary place and scream at the top of my lungs. "Will this ever end"?, will I make it thru this?, will I have any regrets?" "Am I doing the right thing?" There is no rule book for a caregiver as every situation is different. You do as you go and hope for the best. Sometimes you falter, sometimes you are rewarded and sometimes you just screw things up really bad. But the key is to forgive yourself. It's easier said than done, I know. Even after my mother died, I questioned everything I did for her and doubted myself terribly. But the one thing I can say for certain is that I don't have any regrets. I did my best (with no help from anyone else for a long time). When my mother was in her last years, I met my husband (we both worked in the medical field and kept meeting over patients in the ER - ha!). Right off the bat I told my future husband that my Mom comes first. And for once in my life, he understood and not only that, but he was the first and only one to finally offer help to me. After we married, he would get up in the middle of the night to take care of her, when I was too exhausted to move. He knew that to love me, he had to love her and that he did. It was a miracle to me. Sure we had some difficult times, but we worked as a team and that made all the difference.

For so long I did everything by myself. Eventually I was able to obtain help from the Visiting Nurses Assoc. I had an aide come everyday to give Mom her bathes - that was a big load off me. And once a week, an RN came to check out her overall health. I honestly don't know what I would have done without them. Believe me, they do incredible work.

Nowadays, some places offer respite care. A time for you to get away from the responsibilities of being a caregiver, while your loved one is being taken care of. It's a wonderful thing. And today they also have "elder daycares" which basically does the same thing. I realize different communities offer different options, but keep looking til you find some answers. Society today understands much better that our generation are the caregivers to elderly parents. It's much more acceptable now than when I first began. I honestly feel like I was a pioneer in all this.

Looking back, I think the most important things to know are: it's a must to get a power of attorney and a health surrogate option; it's a must to seek whatever help is available; it's a must to take time for yourself even if it's just 30 minutes or an hour; it's a must to let your stress and frustration out in whatever way works for you; it's a must to forgive yourself; it's a must to know that you are doing the very best you can.

My heart goes out to each of you. I've been there and understand how long and dark the road ahead is. The best thing you can do is just take it one day at a time, literally. And each day, be kind to yourself. I wish you all the best and if I can ever be of some help, just give me a holler. Good luck, Linda

dear linda, how beautifully said! everything you say is so true. It's funny how God placed someone in your life through all this. My husband died 4yrs ago and he used to help me with my parents all the time. How i miss that. I have a sister who still thinks they are in their 50's and able. In short, she and her husband don't really give a darn because they figure i have no one and i'll do it. I don't mind helping them at all but it does wear me down at times. I find alot of stuff from the past comes up(I don't bring it up to them though) and that's when i need a day for myself. I'm running to doctor's, lawyers, overseeing an apartment house, etc. I have no life at all. I'm too worn out to get a full time job but i feel that's a full time job in itself. I just wish God would send some nice guy in my life. I'm stressed, depressed and lonely. I just don't even want to think about what is going to happen soon to both of them. this is very heavy on my mind. I really cant' talk to my sister or anyone. Therapists tell you to get a life for yourself. yeah, right. easier said than done. I'm rambling but i just wanted to say how moved i was when i read your post. You're the saint, Linda and your mom is looking down on you. She must be so proud and thankful that she had such a wonderful daughter to love her. I always feel guilty that i am not doing enough. what is enough, anyway? thankyou! xox

I am sorry the social worker thing did not work out. I too had a mom who refused all help when she had one of her legs removed. My sister and I took care of her. She refused therapy and even sometimes refused to eat only certain foods like "Baskin Robbins" or KFC. My sister took care of her for almost two years and she finally had to put her in a nursing home. My mom than gave up her will to live and went as far as quit eating all together. When I would see her in a nursing home, my heart broke. The conditions, the care etc... She only survived for 3 months. I knew then that I had to go into the nursing care field. I have a legal secretarial degree . I chose to however, become a nurse assistant. My heart breaks each and everyday. I have seen things that are to horrible to talk about. But what I have seen is the daily miracles. I receive unconditional love each and everyday, I feel like someone when I walk in the doors. I have no life except work and I am stressed and heartbroken most of the time. The good news is because of the LOVE that was given to my mom and to my residents, hopefully God willing we have made their last days happier and more comfortable. All the money in the world and the high paying jobs CANT give you that. There is a fine fine line and a total balancing act on taking care of ourselves. I treasure long hot bubble baths. At the end of the day when you rest your head on your pillow know this you loved your loved ones and that is all that matters.

ps Respite care is awesome!