Oh lord
What did I do wrong...
I woke up and waited an additional 2 hours before I took my valium (I had 11) because I was trembling so bad that I thought I would have a convulsion. within 20 minutes I calmed down when I took another.

It was an ok day tho and I felt ok when I got home. I called Marcia (the Drs. Assistant) because I had several questions about my upcoming detox coming up Monday as I did the intake and it is for Monday.

As usual, as Marcia does, she does not let you talk. And I brought this up to her as a counselor 1 month after seeing her. But I liked her, but when I learned that she misrepresented me to the Dr. (she works with him) -- he may come in for 10 minutes at the end of the session, may not, and once he came in for 20 minutes!

I say this because I called to ask her how I can ask the Dr. this and that about my detox and I could NOT get a word in at all. Instead she started saying, well, I talked to the Dr. after looking at the chart I did (for hours) and he wants this and that from you, I couldn't even keep track of what he wanted. I heard, he wants me to call the internet and sign a statement that I will never order from them again (I don't care really) but that's kind of strange...and a few other things that made it sound like things were STILL up in the air and not solidified when just that Thursday, I did an intake at the hospital under this Dr. to detox for valium!!! Marcia started talking again, and I asked, can I speak?? I mean really..and I started to ask her how can I ask her questions about my detox, under what circumstances he decided what kind of detox he decided for me (outpatient). She then said, well you haven't decided yet!!!!

I just hit the roof. What do you mean. I just did an intake. for the Dr. to do the detox, yet but you have not decided which one. Well I'm not the Dr., how do I know which one is best for me under the circumstances; then I reminded her of the mistake the last time I went into the hospital because of her mistake; she then says to me .... well it's clearly that you are incoherent today again, don't know what you're saying, not making any sense and today is proably the first day that I am and we actually got into an argument about this and I also told her that I learned that she misrepresented me to the Dr. so I''d like to learn how to ask the Dr. about detox questions myself.

She said, he's doing the klonopin/valium detox because of (SHE didn't make sense) and I was upset but I knew well enuf to realize why would you DETOX valium with Klonopin when Valium has so much of a longer half-life in the body. She didn't know because she has no clue about pharmacodynamics!!!

Then she said well if you don't like this detox, if you don't trust this Dr. you can always find another Dr. I blew up and said, when I have 10 valiums left??? When I've been cutting down a bit each day so I can make it to Monday? Then the kicker, well, why don't you just ORDER more from online for just a little while (not sarcastic). After being in a little shock and said because I don't WANT to order online anymore, I'm here with you and the Dr. to help me, and I think re-ordering would be terrible. How can you possibly say that. "Well you're obviously being incoherent right now and you have to decide to just put yourself in his hands.

I do, but I have questions and I think I have that right. He's busy, he doesn't want you to E-mail him (last week I was very incoherent because of my state of mind I admit and I apologed to him just Wednesday which is the last time I saw him, him 5 minutes. NO questions answered.

I suddenly felt dizzy and suicidal again but this time so angry to go on that path. I just said, I don't want to talk to you right now Marcia now, sorry. She said, well that's too bad. I said, yes it is but I have to get off the phone right now and hung up.

That leaves me up in the air. What does that mean. She has been lying to the Dr. for quite some time, she doesn't have any kind of degree, I only stuck with her because of the "suboxone" ... I'm at their mercy, if I wasn't I would have found someone, somehow and never looked back.

But I'm in the corner. I am taking the suboxone. I also have jusst enough valium to get me to Monday AND the hospital first day. And I filled with rage, pain, fear, you name it.

A friend of mine said, just show up to the hospital as planned and trust the Dr. But what does he want from me? And what if it isn't within reason ??? If it is fine. And klonopin/valium detox? I've NEVER heard of that. The other way around, YES!!!

Of course, as a psychologist, I will never see her again except for once a month because I HAVE to. And I did like her!!! But there was something fishy and I thought so all along.

I guess she's set up for the suboxone clients for him - and meanwhile, he gets paid for evey visit for someone makes when he's not even there !!!!

What is wrong with this world????? That's why I felt like exititing last week. And I felt it again, i was just too angry.

Someone,, anyone, perspectives. I have many threads and so sorry I haven't been able to catch up to those that have supported me. I apologize but I will - but now I have nothing to give.

Oh god, what shall I do. Now that I don't want to talk to her except when necessary, can they just say, bye bye - and not taper me from the suboxone and the valium?????

Or should I just conform to whatever they want.

I can't just find a Dr. over the weekend. The suboxone was smooth. What in the world should I do. I vote for people being kind to each other and stop thinking only of themselves.

Including me, starting now.

Murphy

Murphy I know I promised not to post back after making you cry, but this is somewhere I am almost positive I can help. Different boat but still a sinking one. I went from doc to doc because they treated me like a second class citizen because the only prescribed treatment for my condition is amphetamines...so to many, I was already branded a problem.

First things first...get a copy of all your records. Try to be polite so they don't disappear or get altered in the assistants favor. I used this approach with the last twit I had to deal with..."I'm looking at changing insurance companies and they want my last 10yrs med records (which they do ask for). So if possible, can you get me a copy?" or "I am applying for short-term disability and since the SSA tends to lose things, I'd like a copy for my own records, just in case."

If they feel that you are checking up on them or going to get them in trouble, they are less than willing to work with you. You also have a right to a patient advocate. They don't tell you about these because they fight for you and they have to pay for them!! So, only those who ask will get them. Then, once you have your records in hand, get a notebook and document each false statement and what you really said or experienced.

As for this twit, she's opening him up to a malpractice suit!! She's acting as his agent, which means, he'd better know what she's up to. She has been very detrimental to your treatment. And then to have the nerve to suggest you order more on line?!?!?!? Hello? Tell an addict who wants to stop that "I'm sorry ma'am, I'm an idiot and know you have an addiction problem, but you are not having a crisis at a convenient moment for me. May I suggest the on-line pharmacy until I pull my head out of my ***?" Does that about cover it?

Get a notebook and keep it with you and document date, time, person spoke with and details of the conversation. Because when you are at an irrational point, you won't remember it and it will be easy for them to pass it off as a binge or fried brain cells. After all....who will believe an addict over some wonderful medical personel? She will do her dangdest to come out smelling like roses and turn you upside down.

I would suggest, if possible, you schedule an extended appointment with the doctor and tell him you are not leaving until you have satisfactory answers to every question in your notebook. You also have the right to fight any medical errors in your charts. You may have to go through the MIB (medical information bureau) to do it...but it could cause problems long-term. You also may find that this girl has other complaints, not just yours. If possible, go into the office and sit there until you can speak to the doctor...and if you're brave enough, ask for a visit with the woman in question in the room with you, so you can call her on her crap in front of the doc. Maybe her reaction will be enough for him to realize what an idiot he has working for him.

I don't know much about the detox process, but if she's a twit because he allows it, he may not be the best option. But, you also are a smart woman and can figure out during treatment if things aren't being done correctly or satisfactorily and can make a choice at any point in time. Also, maybe it would be better for an in stay detox as you will probably be more likely to be in touch with other medical staff that you can make aware of your conflict. It's just a guess...but hopefully, the other people in the treatment center will be aware of the problem already.

My friend is an MA and works in a GP's office. They all know who the trouble makers are and will take you at face value because they know first hand.

I don't know if this is a possibility....Like I said, my situation is different, but I have narcolepsy and even the docs who are educated about it, don't have a clue and don't look beyond the text-book. After years of getting sub-standard care, I opened the phone book and started calling all the clinics listed. I asked the person who answered if they had any narcoleptic patients or experience with it...most said, "HUH?" Click. Finally, over half way through the phone book, I was promptly transfered to a woman, without knowing why. When I told her the story she said, "Oh. I know why. I'm his nurse and I HAVE narcolepsy." So he had a working knowledge of how it affected the people and their lives and treats the whole person. He never has one foot out the door and listens for as long as I need. Even if it's just tears and repeating myself. He listens and then takes action.

Maybe, if you do outpatient...you'll at least be in a program and can keep looking for another that suits your situation?? I don't know. I do know that you want help and deserve to have the help. Just, some of the people in the position to help are burnt out and don't extend the best level of care and knowledge. Has nothing to do with you. You want help bad enough and from what I've read are set on it...don't let this girl be an obstacle.

Good luck. If you have any questions on the medical end that I can help you with, I'll be glad to. I learned it all the hard way. I'm only 27, but the last decade of my life has been spent in and out of hospitals and doc offices due to poor health problems. I learned most of it after the fact, but it may benefit someone else. So, please let me know. God bless you Murphy, you will make it. Angel

Murphy -

After reading your horrendous doctor/Asst. story, I then read and reread Angel's excellent advice to you. I agree with it. And I would defnitely consider a change of doctor when you feel up to it. This "medical team" are certainly not like any medical team I've ever been to. Something is wrong, wrong, wrong when this Marcia tell you to order over the internet. It doesn't sound as if she and doctor are connecting at all. And I just cannot imagine any of my doctors or psychologists telling me "you are incoherent today. I can't deal with you." This woman is doing a job that is way above her level of knowledge and understanding.

But I would start tomorrow's detox and see exactly what happens. Through the hospital you will have a chance to find out about other doctors, treatments, etc. And that patient's advocate program is a thought, too, if your detox goes wrong in any way due to your doctor's and Marcia's refusal to answer your questions and assess with you just what is going awry in your body.

These doctors do not sound "professional"--and I've hesitated to say that for some time now. But something seems very wrong between their own relationship--and their combined inconsistant treatment of you. In your present state of health and your anguished state of mind, you should not have to be begging for their attention.

Your anger is much healthier than your feelings of hopelessness.....and I think you are more than smart enough (probably smarter than THEM) to follow the situation through until you get the medical aid you deserve. I do feel enraged myself, though, at the thought that such an ill person has to advocate so hard for herself. But I think that you have a very good "handle" on what's going on within you. And between both your own voice and your detailed notes, you have a very strong case to present.

We're all here, waiting anxiously to hear how the detox goes. You've taken a big step. And...first thing you should tell them tomorrow is about your near-connvulsion when you postponed your pill for two hours.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with so much, when you most need a place for your brain to retreat and relax. Let's hope some good things begin to happen with this detox. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow!

Lots of love to you, Lynn

Murph-
Huge (((((hug)))) first-oh man-this team is absoulutely playing God..and that drives me crazy.I don't get it-you have every right to get infomation-thats what is all about-particularly-in your case-upcoming detox..and this dr. is an addictionologist?
Sounds like his assistant is a sadistic freak!You can't treat people like this.
NEW DOCTOR!!!
But go to detox-and when you get out find a more compassionate team.
My poor Murph-im so sorry all that you have to endure right now.
Prayers sent now...
sadsis..heather

Murphy - I agree agree agree with Lynn and Angel. (Don't you just love them?)

Anyway, I thought in one of your posts you said something about you and Marcia being friends or something? Maybe not - I could have been confused.

Anyway - I would just go on Monday and see what they have to offer. And I am VERY proud of you for tapering like you have. You have done an amazing job!

I honestly think Marcia was just trying to be MEAN when she said that about being incoherent - but keep in mind, when you pointed out HER mistakes, that's when it started. She obviously cannot accept responsibility for her actions and so she tried to turn everything on you. I would suggest to go on Monday and find another doc in the meantime - however, I know how hard it is to get a Sub doctor that's going to give you what you need for however long you need it so I can completley relate to you feeling stuck with them, no matter what. I feel stuck with my own doctor. He's nuts.. sometimes I think HE'S on drugs. He forgets who I am - forgets what I do. And now makes jokes about it - that he's going to ask me what I do for a living EVERYTIME he sees me.

Anyway, I'm thankful that he gives me what I need. But I tell you - they have screwed up w/me bigtime before. It's a long story but I called him on it when I went into see him the next time. I definitely realize that no matter what - I'm stuck w/my doctor, no matter how he treats me. Because I know how hard it is to find another Sub doctor.

I'm stupid though. Maybe you can show those Sub docs that we aren't just going to stand around and be treated however they want. I cannot believe you don't even get to talk to the doctor. It does sound as though she's scared you are going to tell on her so she's hiding you from him. Just remember, I'm sure the doc is going to believe his assistant over an addict. I've been there!

Please go on Monday and see what they can do for you. Again, cannot believe you have made 21 last so long... that is just amazing. Be honest w/the docs on Monday and see what they say... I also agree w/Lynn - get mad but don't give up. You've made it this long - you cannot turn back now. Honestly, I personally think you've made it through the hard part - that is, doing this ALONE. Because you certainly didn't have your doc helping you. (or his assistant)!

Anyway, take care of yourself, keep the path (oh, and keep those notes,... very important for IF/WHEN you decide to try and find another doctor). Keep in contact w/us too... we care. Also, on Monday evening, will you write us and let us know what their plan is?

Murphy - I'm worried about you. Where are you? How are you doing? Are you going tomorrow?

I miss you and you need to let us know how you are! I mean it! :confused:

Murphy - Please let us know later today how your first day of detox went.

Hey! That's one of the "down-side" of having friends--they WORRY all the time! :-) We are going to be "nudges" (do y'all from down South know what a "nudge" is??) Come to New York and I will introduce you to a whole new vocabulary! :-)

I haven't been able to get you rstrange doctor and his assistant out of my mind--the whole set-up feels so unprofessional and bizarre. Particularly this "Marcia"--she sounds like she's just doing "disaster control"--not health care planning. And a doctor who doesn't want to see or hear from his patient??? This not the norm...and nNot right. Luv, Lynn

PLEASE keep us informed.