Portia26
05-13-2004, 06:09 PM
Hi all.
I suffer from mostly from obsessions in the form of violent harm obsessions/urges and concerns about my mental health. I am worried because I often read that people with these kinds of obsessions tend to avoid newspapers, news programs, etc for fear of triggering their obsessions. I have the opposite problem: I actually seek out this information. I read the paper daily and look up information online all the time. I also watch those stupid shows on A and E, "American Justice" and "City Confidential" sometimes because they are about real murders/violence, etc. Somehow though I never want to watch the fictional shows about crime, I am not interested at all. I suppose watching the shows/reading the paper about real crime is an attempt to find information that proves I am not a violent person, and I am not at all like the people who commit such crimes, but the more I read, the more I find to the contrary. And I freak out over the most silly things: I just stumbled upon a website that said most serial killers have certain kinds of features in their hands, one of them being short, fat thumbs. Only one of my thumbs is like that, but I almost started crying when I read that. I conveniently ignored that I did not have any of the other 15 or so features shared by most serial killers. Does this make me have real OCD... ie: obsessive COMPULSIVE disorder (not just obsessions), or am I just a perturbed individual who takes pleasure in knowing about crime? Sometimes I just don't know. Why would I seek out what I know scares me??? Can anyone relate? :confused:
I suffer from mostly from obsessions in the form of violent harm obsessions/urges and concerns about my mental health. I am worried because I often read that people with these kinds of obsessions tend to avoid newspapers, news programs, etc for fear of triggering their obsessions. I have the opposite problem: I actually seek out this information. I read the paper daily and look up information online all the time. I also watch those stupid shows on A and E, "American Justice" and "City Confidential" sometimes because they are about real murders/violence, etc. Somehow though I never want to watch the fictional shows about crime, I am not interested at all. I suppose watching the shows/reading the paper about real crime is an attempt to find information that proves I am not a violent person, and I am not at all like the people who commit such crimes, but the more I read, the more I find to the contrary. And I freak out over the most silly things: I just stumbled upon a website that said most serial killers have certain kinds of features in their hands, one of them being short, fat thumbs. Only one of my thumbs is like that, but I almost started crying when I read that. I conveniently ignored that I did not have any of the other 15 or so features shared by most serial killers. Does this make me have real OCD... ie: obsessive COMPULSIVE disorder (not just obsessions), or am I just a perturbed individual who takes pleasure in knowing about crime? Sometimes I just don't know. Why would I seek out what I know scares me??? Can anyone relate? :confused:
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auntchilada
05-14-2004, 12:46 AM
I promise you that you are not a bad person and that this is only OCD! We have talked before and I know that we both understand what we go through with this, so trust me. I don't know where you read that people with OCD try to avoid looking up certain things, but that makes no sense to me. Of course you are going to look this stuff up to reassure yourself that you are not evil or going to commit a violent act. That is the ritual part of the OCD. It's like someone who has medical fears with OCD. They will look up different kinds of illness in order to reassure themseleves that they don't have AIDS, cancer, whatever. And, like you, they usually find something that they can relate to and freak out. Like a symptom of cancer might be a headache and the OCD person thinks "OMG I have a headache right now, I have cancer" and they ignore the other 100 symptoms that they do not have. That is exactly what you are doing. Think about, having short thumbs has NOTHING to do with being a violent person. That is so silly if you really think about it. This one day I was really freaking out about having schizophrenia. That same day I had dejavu at work and looked it up online out of couriosity. Well I found an article that mentioned something about people with schizphrenia having dejavu. I completely freaked out! I thought "OMG I have schizo!" And only because I had dejavu...every other person on this earth has had at least once in their life. It's so ridiculous now that I look back on it. Constantly seeking reassurance is a complusion.
crazygrl777
05-16-2004, 07:24 PM
Portia, I know what you mean. I have obsessions about becoming gay or that I am gay and never realized it until now. I feel like I watch TV to see something gay, or read the newspaper hoping to read about something gay. It makes me even more obsessed because I shouldn't want to look at this stuff, I should be avoiding it, that is like a key sign of OCD, right??? Anyway, just wanted to let you know you aren't the only one actually seeking out triggers. Best of luck.
auntchilada
05-17-2004, 12:58 AM
Hey Portia26
I would want to research stuff when my OCD was bad. If I saw something on the news, like that women who killed her kids in the bathtub or something, then I would sit there and watch and hang on to every word to make sure that I was NOT like her. But of course it would just make me obsess more. It's scary. I would also look up stuff and re-read things about schizophrenia and stuff like that to make sure I didn't have the symptoms. My OCD now it 99% better. I couldn't be happier. I cherish it and am sooooo thankful for every day of my "normal" life and self. The pain of having bad thoughts is incredible and I thank God every day that I no longer suffer. I still have my moments, but they are few and far between. I am on 75mg of Effexor XR. Best of luck to you! If you ever need to talk, just post.
I would want to research stuff when my OCD was bad. If I saw something on the news, like that women who killed her kids in the bathtub or something, then I would sit there and watch and hang on to every word to make sure that I was NOT like her. But of course it would just make me obsess more. It's scary. I would also look up stuff and re-read things about schizophrenia and stuff like that to make sure I didn't have the symptoms. My OCD now it 99% better. I couldn't be happier. I cherish it and am sooooo thankful for every day of my "normal" life and self. The pain of having bad thoughts is incredible and I thank God every day that I no longer suffer. I still have my moments, but they are few and far between. I am on 75mg of Effexor XR. Best of luck to you! If you ever need to talk, just post.