sleepers
05-27-2004, 10:43 PM
I have been away at college for nine months now, and I had to weigh 100 pounds to be allowed to go to college. During my time here, I could eat what I want, and not eat what I want; it was a glorious life of freedom. I had been anorexic for the past two years, slimmming down to 85 pounds on a five-foot frame.
Now, I have to go back home. In nine days, I am at the mercy of my family for the summer. I am terrified. Now, as unhealthy as I know it is, I binge at night and do not eat during the day, or I will binge one day and not eat, or only eat 300 calories the next day.
When I go back with my family, it will be three meals a day, and I will no longer be able to eat what I want, in addition to gaining weight. This is a very big issue for me, naturally.
Here at school, I do binge; 5,000 calories in one hour or less with cookies, pretzels and huge bagels, sometimes three or four. I feel extremely guilty afterwards, and remember the times when I would go to the end of the end of the Earth to avoid a meal. However, at college, I can starve the next day, and no one will tell me no. Therefore, the binge is "fixable."
I enjoy binging, because I slim down to a very low weight, and binging makes me look normal. It works out, provided I stick to starvation during the day, which I am well-aware is wrong.
But lately, I have been binging. I promised myself to become very thin before going home for the summer, and then I would gain weight and become normal, so-to-speak. But those awful, addicitive foods call to me, and I cannot resist. That is not the major issue, however. The major issue is my terror at going home. There is nothing to in my town but eat, because it is so small. Eating is like entertainment for myself.
I just need someone to tell me what to do about these binges. I cannot stand myself after a thousands and thousands of calories binge, but I just love doing it. It feels so sneaky to go down the the fridge at 1:00 in the morning and pick and pick until full-out face stuffing occurs. Then, they next day, my mom does not realize how much I have eaten, and makes me eat more.
Wow, I just realized how long this post is, and I am sorry for that. If anyone has tips on how to deal with family and/or massive night time binging, please, please let me know. Thank you ever so much for creating a board where I feel so free to express my opinions.
Sleepers
Now, I have to go back home. In nine days, I am at the mercy of my family for the summer. I am terrified. Now, as unhealthy as I know it is, I binge at night and do not eat during the day, or I will binge one day and not eat, or only eat 300 calories the next day.
When I go back with my family, it will be three meals a day, and I will no longer be able to eat what I want, in addition to gaining weight. This is a very big issue for me, naturally.
Here at school, I do binge; 5,000 calories in one hour or less with cookies, pretzels and huge bagels, sometimes three or four. I feel extremely guilty afterwards, and remember the times when I would go to the end of the end of the Earth to avoid a meal. However, at college, I can starve the next day, and no one will tell me no. Therefore, the binge is "fixable."
I enjoy binging, because I slim down to a very low weight, and binging makes me look normal. It works out, provided I stick to starvation during the day, which I am well-aware is wrong.
But lately, I have been binging. I promised myself to become very thin before going home for the summer, and then I would gain weight and become normal, so-to-speak. But those awful, addicitive foods call to me, and I cannot resist. That is not the major issue, however. The major issue is my terror at going home. There is nothing to in my town but eat, because it is so small. Eating is like entertainment for myself.
I just need someone to tell me what to do about these binges. I cannot stand myself after a thousands and thousands of calories binge, but I just love doing it. It feels so sneaky to go down the the fridge at 1:00 in the morning and pick and pick until full-out face stuffing occurs. Then, they next day, my mom does not realize how much I have eaten, and makes me eat more.
Wow, I just realized how long this post is, and I am sorry for that. If anyone has tips on how to deal with family and/or massive night time binging, please, please let me know. Thank you ever so much for creating a board where I feel so free to express my opinions.
Sleepers