Hi,

Everyday my husband poses the question "How are you Feeling". I feel if he ask one more time I am going to slap him......is it just me or is he expecting that if he asks enough i will feel better.

And my kids (one girl - 17, three boys - 21,15,10)I use to take care of everything I was a full time mom, full time work, full time college. Now a year & a half later I can bearly take a bath by my self much less anything else.

My House is filthy, my husband only cooks junk food, and noboby wants to pick up the slack. I'm not asking for perfection but a clean toilet and fresh sheets once and a while would be nice. Not to mention every time I ask one of the kids to do something....they sit in the other room and pretent they can't here me.

I Talked with my husband about it and he swears he will step up but then he has something else come up ( like a viedo game) and can't do it.

Help....Is it just me ?????? do I need to just shut up and except it.

Its bAd enough I don't sleep ever!!!!! I'm always in pain and every part of my life has been taken away... and I am fixing to go down for another surgery... (anterior/posterior L4/L5 & L5/S1 fusion)that is going to take me out of the loop even more for awhile. I don't think I'm asking too much?

any thoughts?

AMK34


[This message has been edited by AMK34 (edited 04-25-2003).]

as for the asking every day "how are you feeling", it does get aggravating to no end. My girlfriend will constantly ask me, "what is wrong?" I then get very mad at her and she just thinks its something she has done that made me mad and look the way I am. Constantly asking, I have told her again and again that its the pain and nothing you have done, and please don't ask me again. But it doesn't stop it.

I can only tell you that they just don't understand what we go through and we too should try to bear with them as its something just they are not able to grasp. I try now not to get too mad when she asked and brush off, but I know its difficult.

Let the kids know that they must pick up the slack, no if, ands or buts. Make it their chores or they don't get what they want, the car, the game, the tv, the movie money, etc.. You need help and they should be helping you. Give them rewards for helping out.

------------------
Auto Accident Aug 1988
L3-4 disectomy 1989
L3-4 now re-herniated
L4-5 DDD
L5-S1 herniated
5/14--scheduled for trial stimulator implant
Hopefully to hold on for Prodisc for all 3 discs

Hi Baker,

Thanks I needed to vent .... your right it is just overwhelming sometimes.

I'm usally very easy going but things just get under my skin more easly these days.

Amk34

Hi AMK34 http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif

It is so funny that you posted about your husband asking you everyday how you feel. I was just complaining about that yesterday on one of the threads. I agree, Sometimes I just want to scream at him at the top of my lungs "I feel the same today as I have felt for the last 11 months, stop asking" I guess he thinks that I am going to wake up one morning and a miracle is going to happen. Also, I too am having a problem with my lazy kids who have done NOTHING to help me. They do the same thing as your kids, they act like they don't hear me. I have 2 girls ages 13 & 17 who don't have a care in the world. I don't blame you for being upset!

I think as a mother, I have been there for my husband and children through everything, and the minuete something happens to me, everything falls apart.
So it is not you!!

I wish I had suggestions for you, but I don't, cause I am faced with the same problem http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif The only thing that my husband does for me is, carries the laundry down stairs. I do everything else or it doesn't get done. The sad thing about all of this, is I have become resentful toward my husband and the kids. I would never have treated anyone they way I have been treated, but then again as my husbands says " I am to kind hearted and I let people take advantage of me."

I don't know, maybe it's me, I am beginning to wonder. When I think about it,isn't he doing that to me?

I wish you luck on your up comming surgery, and I hope you feel better.

Take care,
Brenda http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif

Brenda,

thanks...Thank God it's not just me!!!! but am sorry your going thourgh the same thing. It is very frustrating on top of everything else we go thourh....I just found this place and am glad I have a place to vent with other people. Sometimes there is not a solution but it's good to talk.

I think this place is great...wish I had found it a year ago.

I too was the one that got everthing done....or it didn't get done. I just can't keep up with it anymore and the doc's can't tell me exactly when thing will get back to normal if ever. But I refuse to think that it will never happen. I may not get back all the way....but would like to get as close as I can.


Anne

I get the same question from my hubby how are you feeling? I don't reply to that answer because I am always saying I'm here. My hubby is great about doing the housework around my house, otherwise the dirt just sits there, actually I start to clean the house, but then my hubby starts to feel guilty or I guilt him into doing the work and it gets done. I agree with some of the posts, have the kids to something to help you out, even if they can do their own laundry would be a huge load off from you. Keep the laundry sitting right where it is, by then I'm sure the kids will be begging to use the washing machine, and dryer, or at least learn how do it. As far as pain perspective, When I am really hurting like 8 out of 10 everyday my hubby askes me if I need to go anywhere. I tell him he can go, and I am staying home. When your hubby is sick for one day or he is moaning and groaning tell him that is how you feel everyday maybe then he'll get the hint. Wish you luck. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bouncing.gif

How about when you get up in the middle of the night to do the bathroom thing, and hubby wakes up and asks How're ya doin'? Who wants to answer that question with the same answer you always give in the middle of the night?

Otherwise, my hubby has been great. He does most of the stuff around the house anymore. My kids, 20 and 23, are both living at home (full time students) and don't do much, either. Did we raise these kids wrong?

I used to get that question from my wife back before surgery - "How are you feeling?" I wanted to answer "Like blasting your head off!" But much like you, I chose to keep myself calm. My wife is very lazy and the fact that she does not work drives me up the walls. I'd come home from work, back pulsing like a ready to erupt volcano, and she is on the computer with a mess of clothes on the bedroom sofa and toys all over the house. No dinner, No love, Nothing! I tried to play with the kids because I knew they had no attention all freaking day! I even needed to change my little one's diaper as soon as I got home at times cause it was soaked! Same thing now but "How are you feeling?" has turned to "I need to check my email" or "..make a banner.." I have Thyoid related issues now and I really try not to share them with her because it really pisses me off more when she knows my problems and still does nothing... Thanks for allowing me to vent... She thinks I should be happy that the kids are, at least, with someone but insn't that what hired babysitters are for!!!! AMK34, God Bless you for doing all that.. If you were my wife I would worship the ground you walk on... Keep your head up for you are a QUEEN!

[This message has been edited by Lev (edited 04-25-2003).]

hello.....i hear ya on the no help thing, i have 2 at home 13yr old boy and 15 yr old girl....i had my surgery done feb 14th 03, 3 level postier fusion...i had to practaly beg for them to clean for me, and pick up things from the floor when i couldnt,,had to throw money in there face, to get them to do anything, 5$ a week....well now there slacking off,,,since im getting around more...im still doing things im not suppose to be doing.....but as you know it doesnt get cleaned if we dont do it, or if you want it done right..as for hubby he used to help, do laundry,and cook...now he has different job leaves at 7am doesnt get home till 10,11,12..pm...when ever he feels like coming home....so i have to do everything!!!!! my back has cost me my job and my marriage....hope that doesnt happen to any of you......sorry, just had to get that off my mind.......good luck on your surgery!!!!! sandy

Lev and Sandy,

Hi and thanks for the support...It has been a while since I have had an ear to bend. It really helps to hear some encouragement.

I feel I spoiled my family.....but that still does not excuse there behavior.

Lev.....I'm so sorry you have not had more support from your family. They should have you bronzed for being a great dad and loving husband. Family should pull together at the worst of times and not take for advantage of a nice person.

thanks for all the support and keep it coming it really helps!!!!!

Anne (AMK34)

Make sure what you write is something that you don't mind your significant other reading. Mine happen to see my earlier comments and wasn't too pleased.

Just a little heads up. No need to stir more problems up than we already have.

------------------
Auto Accident Aug 1988
L3-4 disectomy 1989
L3-4 now re-herniated
L4-5 DDD
L5-S1 herniated
5/14--scheduled for trial stimulator implant
Hopefully to hold on for Prodisc for all 3 discs

I'm sorry to hear about your family troubles. Back problems suck! I have been suffering since August 2002. My wife has picked up so much slack and I really haven't gotten much guff from her. She doesn't ask me how I am feeling at all. I don't know if this is good or bad. I think she just wants to be positive and not really know how I am. But I would go crazy if she asked me every day. My mother though asks me constantly, but I don't see and talk to her everyday, so it isn't to bad. My mom is like you guys, she does everything! She had 2 disc's removed in her late thirties. I was too yound to remember how it was between her and my dad, but I know he was probably like you guys are explaining. She does everything, he sits on the computer and watches tv after he gets home from work. Thank god my mom is great these days. Been 16 years, and never had any more back problems, besides aches every now and then. Life is rough when you have a back problem, and I guess I am lucky to have a wife that takes care of the two kids and does all the housework. I started cooking dinner everynight to atleast take a load off of her. I can now take care of the baby (6 weeks old) on my own. I feel guily sometimes because she does so much, and also works fulltime. We just moved and she had to pack up the whole house all on her own because I was just 5 weeks post up from my 2nd partial discectomy which was 5 weeks after my first one.
Good Luck to you guys.

Hi all...

It saddens me so to hear that our children don't care enough to help out their mom or dad in obvious pain. Even my 4 & 6 year olds are keen enough to know when I am hurting and will "automatically" come up behind me to support my back while I walk to my bedroom (it is REALLY cute...such concern on their dear little faces) hehe. Of course, the very next day it is ME, ME, ME again. <sigh>

It is incredible the lessons life puts in our path. You see, my salary more than doubled my hubby's...yet I still did all the bills (including his credit card bills) & our taxes, had and raised the kids, kept house, cooked, bla bla bla. That was fine, I was OK with it until I could no longer bring home twice as much money (my w/c payments equal his salary), clean the house, raise the kids, cook, bla bla bla. I could still do bills & taxes though.

The cut in income sent us reeling, we lost mostly everything (I had a dot.com job so stock options killed us in AMT). I was paying his personal credit card bills with my w/c money, our rent, the phone, PG&E, his teeth (about $5,000 worth of dental work, which his mom & I have paid for entirely), our car insurance and other 'minor' bills. I also paid for my own gas, clothes, personal items, his & kids clothes, and MY OWN credit card bills. He paid for the child care for 2 kids (since I couldn't even walk for a while) and pays & shops for all groceries, as well as his own personal items & gas.

But since my injury...he cooks dinner every night when he comes home. He puts away the clean dishes and washes the dinner dishes (but he doesn't clean the counter tops...ewww). He handles the household laundry (except my stuff--when I wasn't walking he "did my laundry"...nothing fit anymore, NOTHING-hehe) I wasn't walking anyway so no one was going to see me in my new knickers http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif

He will vacuum the whole house only after major pleading and begging (I use a broom & sweeper in tandem every day to somewhat manage the kid dirt) and has YET to clean the 'pissy' toilet, and it isn't even mine! I gave that special task to my son... being on my knees brings on the sharp, screaming pain faster than anything else (even today).

Nobody dusted (let alone polished) the wood furniture, or the brass & copper lamps, nobody cleaned the mirrors (at least one in every room), or the spiderwebs, or the bathroom counters nor kitchen counters, the stove & refridgerator began to ooze out this black/green sticky stuff at the bottom of each appliance (OMG..I actually screamed aloud upon discovery of that one!). TO THIS DAY...the couches have not moved an inch to be cleaned underneath (and there is a huge hole under the couch pillows) and he eats his dinner on the couch every night. I couldn't move that dang couch even if I wanted to! I've been begging him to move our bed so I can clean under it, never happened until I went out and BOUGHT us a new bed (2 days ago)...the delivery guys removed the bed and waited while I scrambled to clean as fast as I could before the new one landed. I am going to do the same thing with that ugly couch too. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif

We had a fight just last week because he felt like he was "doing everything". I can see his point...he takes daughter to day care and leaves for work at 7:15 and gets home about 6 or 6:30. He walks in the door, changes and does the dishes & cooks dinner-eats, then does the dinner dishes. He is done for the day & night. Literally...he will sit in front of the tube with his drink & nurse it until he falls asleep. Geez....I WISH I could do that....you know, sleep. hehe He is done for the day by about 9 or 9:30 and is out for the count.

My work has not ended...and never does. In addition to all the above stuff, I have to deal with lawyers and medical professionals, I volunteer at my son's school (I'm chairing their Spring Carnival this year), and I take care of my handicapped mom on weekends. I have also just begun school to retrain for a new career and am taking my daughter out of daycare (so I will have both kids at home all the time until school starts up again). We took my son out of day care last year, so hubby's had an extra 400 a month....when the other comes home--he'll be saving 800 a month. Of which nothing has been paid (like his credit card bills, his car insurance, etc.).

Yet when arguing....hubby WILL NOT BELIEVE that I do not sleep during the day (because I don't normally go to bed before 2am every night). He refuses to believe I work from 7:30 am to about 2 am the next day... every day! I've learned to survive on less than 5 hours of sleep a night, not good at all....but our schtuff won't get done if I don't do it!

My only recourse? I write it all down. I put the tasks needing to be done with a date when I first put it up on a posted paper and then a date when the task was done and by whom. It started becoming very clear to him the points I was trying to make were indeed valid. I am constantly thanking him and telling him how much I appreciate him doing what he does do... but dang it, THAT'S NOT EVERYTHING...or is it and I've just lost contact with all reality?

To his credit...he does let me sleep in one day a month and takes the kids (wherever) so it is nice and quiet. But it blew me away when I got my first SSDI check (back pay from 2001) and he already had it completely spent by the time he got home from work! What's up with that?!? What I mean is he had planned out a vacation for us (& kids if no one could BBsit) for next week! Oops...that's carnival day. I don't know...it just erks me that he would plan on spending (my) money like that (his vacation was to Reno...ahem). It is (like) our money, I just want to spend it wisely ... after all, someday I would like to own a home!

Oh dear...I started out in a different mind-set than I am in now. I had not realized how much I REALLY do and how little he REALLY does! That's my own fault, I guess I've spoiled him rotten too. I guess there is no miracle cure or magic dust we can have or use to enlighten our significant others. Hiring a maid and putting her bill in hubby's pocket, or taking everyone's crap and piling it in one place for THEM to deal with will work if they REALLY need that something down at the bottom of the pile. Problem with that is we have so much junk...it takes them months to realize they need....(whatever). I just make sure the piles I make are behind closed doors if need be. hahaha

Ah well....whatever. There prolly isn't a man around that would have stuck around for those terrible years (where I was basically an invalid). His heart is in the right place and bottom line, that is the most important quality of all. I don't gripe often, but when I do...yikes! Sorry all, but I do feel better now. hehe thanks for listening!



------------------
successtory
Oct 2000: Repetitive Stress Injury-Inverted Hernia
Feb 2001: MRI. Shows only slight bulge at L4-L5
Dec 2001: Discogram/CT scan shows Inverted Hernia at L5-S1. L4-L5 & L5-S1 ruptured in all 4 quadrants. Unable to walk.
Feb 2002: IDET, Nucleoplasty, Intra-Discal Injections
Sept 2002: Rated in the top 10% for successful patients. Retraining for new career.

Hi Everyone! I guess I too fit in here, but my husband has stop asking me how I feel?? I don't know what was better, constantly asking me or not asking? And just the other night, 5 days before my back surgery, he says to me "Are you sure you want to go through with this"!!! Of course I am not sure, is anybody sure??? I don't want to live in this pain forever, not being able to take care of anything in the house, etc. and not being able to joy any quality of life at 33.

Thank goodness I have an older child 13, who helps alot with my other younger children. She is a godsend and I have also hired a house cleaner once a week. At first my husband hated that!! Paying out that extra money, but now he loves it. He seems to realize that if he is not going to clean, somebody should. The kids try to clean, but they just can't get it right?

Well keep your head up, one day it will be better
Renee

[This message has been edited by ReneeRAF (edited 04-26-2003).]