girl3900
06-01-2004, 04:34 PM
Some of you might remember me..I used to post a lot on this board a few months ago. I had very disturbing thoughts of hurting myself. Well, I came to find out it wasn't OCD (I don't mean to scare anyone..). I had severe side effects from Zoloft. The more I think back on it, I don't know why I didn't realize what was causing it in the first place. They all started when I went on 25mgs and once my doctor put me on 50mg the thoughts grew worse and worse. I guess I'm posting this here because I haven't found anyone who knows what it's like to deal with such distressing, obsessive thoughts.
I've been off the drug for 4 weeks now and I'm doing about 85% better. I don't have the thoughts anymore but I can't seem to get the images out of my mind. They'll pop in my head and if I'm not crying and I'm not scared about them, I fear one day I'll want to do these things. Also, whenever I get really angry or sad, the fear surrounding those thoughts seems to get 50x worse. As strange as this sounds, I wish it were just OCD because I read all the time about how people with OCD and bad thoughts will never act on them. Now I feel that since I don't have it, that must mean I'll be able to do them one day. And then I go through a whole denial phase where I tell myself I must really want to do these things and I get so confused. I'm not sure how to explain this, but sometimes on my "good" days where I'm not obsessing about that particular thought, I have this awful feeling. I can't seem to put a finger on what the problem is but it's a scary, overwhelming feeling as if something is wrong. I try to figure out the problem but I can't so I'm left constantly on edge the whole day. Does this happen to anyone else?
I've been off the drug for 4 weeks now and I'm doing about 85% better. I don't have the thoughts anymore but I can't seem to get the images out of my mind. They'll pop in my head and if I'm not crying and I'm not scared about them, I fear one day I'll want to do these things. Also, whenever I get really angry or sad, the fear surrounding those thoughts seems to get 50x worse. As strange as this sounds, I wish it were just OCD because I read all the time about how people with OCD and bad thoughts will never act on them. Now I feel that since I don't have it, that must mean I'll be able to do them one day. And then I go through a whole denial phase where I tell myself I must really want to do these things and I get so confused. I'm not sure how to explain this, but sometimes on my "good" days where I'm not obsessing about that particular thought, I have this awful feeling. I can't seem to put a finger on what the problem is but it's a scary, overwhelming feeling as if something is wrong. I try to figure out the problem but I can't so I'm left constantly on edge the whole day. Does this happen to anyone else?
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hry33
06-01-2004, 07:53 PM
zoloft and the other antidepressants can make our problems worse at first, before hopefully starting to work properly and then making them better
the book brainlock has useful advice for coping with unwanted thoughts
the book brainlock has useful advice for coping with unwanted thoughts
Portia26
06-02-2004, 01:19 PM
Hey girl3900!
I remember you and have actually often thought of you because I went through a phase recently of thoughts exactly like yours. I have been diagnosed with GAD with OCD traits. I just want you to know, OCD diagnosis or cause or not whatever, the simple fact that you fear these thoughts is all you need to know in terms of not acting on them. It doesn't matter whether they are OCD based or not. There is a world of difference between a true desire to act on these thoughts/images and what you are experiencing. You are not comforted by these thoughts and they scare you. I know it may be hard to believe, but you will get through this and you will not hurt yourself. And BTW, whether or not you think you have OCD, I think you have a mild form of it. Because Zoloft can cause anxiety at the beginning of using it, that anxiety can manifest itself in many ways, one being obsessive, scary thoughts. What I mean is if you are feeling anxious, maybe the way YOU express it (like me!!) is through obsessive, scary thinking. So I mean, I don't think the Zoloft caused the thoughts per se, but rather the anxiety... which then caused the thoughts. How long were you on Zoloft? Maybe it wasn't the right drug for you. I'm on Effexor XR, which helps me. I stay on a low dose though so I can face the thoughts through therapy, which also helps a lot. I'm a firm believer that meds alone are never enough. Also, another question if you don't mind, why were you on Zoloft in the first place?
Oh and about the awful feeling, I am altogether too familiar with it! I think it too is another form of anxiety, and maybe mild depression. I wake up with it almost everyday, but it usually fades. It something you have to work on getting rid of: with a pleasant activity, excersise, delicious food, anything positive to get your mind off it. We have a lot on common, girl3900! I hope you'll keep me posted! Take good care. :)
I remember you and have actually often thought of you because I went through a phase recently of thoughts exactly like yours. I have been diagnosed with GAD with OCD traits. I just want you to know, OCD diagnosis or cause or not whatever, the simple fact that you fear these thoughts is all you need to know in terms of not acting on them. It doesn't matter whether they are OCD based or not. There is a world of difference between a true desire to act on these thoughts/images and what you are experiencing. You are not comforted by these thoughts and they scare you. I know it may be hard to believe, but you will get through this and you will not hurt yourself. And BTW, whether or not you think you have OCD, I think you have a mild form of it. Because Zoloft can cause anxiety at the beginning of using it, that anxiety can manifest itself in many ways, one being obsessive, scary thoughts. What I mean is if you are feeling anxious, maybe the way YOU express it (like me!!) is through obsessive, scary thinking. So I mean, I don't think the Zoloft caused the thoughts per se, but rather the anxiety... which then caused the thoughts. How long were you on Zoloft? Maybe it wasn't the right drug for you. I'm on Effexor XR, which helps me. I stay on a low dose though so I can face the thoughts through therapy, which also helps a lot. I'm a firm believer that meds alone are never enough. Also, another question if you don't mind, why were you on Zoloft in the first place?
Oh and about the awful feeling, I am altogether too familiar with it! I think it too is another form of anxiety, and maybe mild depression. I wake up with it almost everyday, but it usually fades. It something you have to work on getting rid of: with a pleasant activity, excersise, delicious food, anything positive to get your mind off it. We have a lot on common, girl3900! I hope you'll keep me posted! Take good care. :)
girl3900
06-02-2004, 03:25 PM
Thanks for thinking about me :)
What you're saying does make sense. I was on Zoloft for 4 months and in that time, all I did was cry every hour of the day. It made me so depressed. I had just about all the side effects you could think of. Whatever caused these thoughts, I do not know. All I know is that they started when i started the pills and got a lot worse when I upped my dose. I'm feeling so much better now. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm imagining the effects or that I'm blowing it out of proportion and that I don't know what I'm talking about but something was making me nuts. I'm too scared to try another SSRI so I'm dealing with this on my own and doing a pretty good job. I was originally put on Zoloft for mild anxiety. I probobly just should have taken Xanax because it wasn't a serious, debilitating problem.
What you're saying does make sense. I was on Zoloft for 4 months and in that time, all I did was cry every hour of the day. It made me so depressed. I had just about all the side effects you could think of. Whatever caused these thoughts, I do not know. All I know is that they started when i started the pills and got a lot worse when I upped my dose. I'm feeling so much better now. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm imagining the effects or that I'm blowing it out of proportion and that I don't know what I'm talking about but something was making me nuts. I'm too scared to try another SSRI so I'm dealing with this on my own and doing a pretty good job. I was originally put on Zoloft for mild anxiety. I probobly just should have taken Xanax because it wasn't a serious, debilitating problem.
Portia26
06-02-2004, 04:11 PM
I'm so glad to hear you're doing better. I'm feeling a lot better too. Sounds to me like you don't necessarily need meds at all, but are you getting any kind of help? Talking to anyone? Even some self-help books might do the trick... let me know what you're doing! Thinking good thoughts about you!
Portia :wave:
Portia :wave:
girl3900
06-02-2004, 07:02 PM
Well all in all, I've seen 5 doctors (3 of which were therapists) and for some reason, they won't talk about the problem at hand. They ask me the reason why I was put on Zoloft to begin with so I tell them and they try to fix that problem instead of address why I was having such bad thoughts. I keep telling them that they really disturb me and I want help on moving past it but they always ignore it and try to get me to practice relaxation techniques. I don't know if I want to go that route anymore because I always get excited to see them and when nothing comes of the visit, I get more depressed about it. I'm supposed to make another appointment with one soon to start CBT therapy but I don't even know if I should waste my time with them anymore seeing as how they ignore me. I think I'll try the self-help approach if this continues and doesn't show signs of improvement but it seems each day gets easier. Anyway, glad to hear you're doing better. :)
anxiety ridden
06-03-2004, 12:25 PM
I mainly suffer from HOCD (gay ocd), but I definitely have the harm thoughts about myself and others. I am on Zoloft and just put a call into my doctor to see if I can take something else. I was on Paxil for 4 years and it really worked for me, but last fall I started to feel as if it was losing its effect and my doctor switched me to Zoloft. I am taking the max which scares me. I am considering going back on Paxil. With Paxil I had some ups and downs, but they were only every couple of months. With Zoloft I have ups and downs all the time and can't seem to shake the harm thoughts. I am staring to feel that its not OCD and just who I really am.
Anyways, this may or may not help but I think Zoloft (at least for some of us) just does more harm than help. You sound as if you are better off without the drugs and just need to find a good therapist who will truly listen to you. Best of luck to you!
Anyways, this may or may not help but I think Zoloft (at least for some of us) just does more harm than help. You sound as if you are better off without the drugs and just need to find a good therapist who will truly listen to you. Best of luck to you!
girl3900
06-03-2004, 01:55 PM
Yes, I'm so much better being off the pills. I didn't even need them in the first place but had the misfortune of dealing with doctors that don't know what they're doing. I wish I could find the right therapist but i've been through so many who have no idea what I'm talking about.
anxiety ridden
06-03-2004, 02:01 PM
If you go to www.ocfoundation.org you can request a list of MD's in your area. These people are trained for OCD and similar disorders and should be able to direct you to the right kind of therapist you need.