Hello....I am new to this board! I found out I had Bi-Polar at the age of 15...I am now 19 almost 20 and life as I know it absolutely sucks. I hate my life and I know this doesnt sound good and scares most, but I am ready for it to end....I have no one to talk to, no one to turn to, no one for anything... My mother chose another guy over me, my father keeps telling me he wishes I would just go on and end it so he wont have to deal with me, my boyfriend of 3 yrs dumped me, and then both sides of my family wont nothing to do with me cause they think I am CRAZY....I am not crazy, just alone and unhappy and unloved. It hurts so much to know that at the age of 19 I can honestly say I do not know what its like to be loved! I have so much love I want to give someone but no one to give it to and no one to give it back. I dont know what to do anymore...My grandmother (dads mom) had Bi-Polar and killed herself.....I am to the point where I am just ready to do the same and join her.....I am SO ALONE! I am sorry if some of you dont like hearing this....its just I cant take the pain anymore...I am sorry!

I am so sorry to hear that you feel that way, but I know that there have been times in my life that I have felt the same as you do right now. Sometimes I feel that way but most times now, I just feel like there is more in my life that I need to deal with then some others. To be real honest this board has helped me a lot. I dont post a lot but I do come here and read, because sometimes you will find someone that feels the same hurt you feel, and sometimes you just read and thank god that you dont have it as bad as someothers. When I feel like I cant take anymore I just look at it as a test, to see IF I can get through whatever is bothering me, but know you do have supporters, like me for example :angel:

Whitney, you're just so close to the pain you're feeling that you can't see the big picture quite yet.
For example, here you are, feeling awful - but you're also reaching out to help other people here who are also in pain. Think about what that says about you as a giving & caring person. Imagine that you've helped someone here who otherwise would have felt as bad as you do.
I was hit with bipolar disorder at 13. Lost my freshman year AND my senior year of high school to being in the hospital. So depressed I need ECT to pull out of it.
Now I have been pretty much stable for almost 20 years, met a wonderful guy when I was 35 (the boyfriend I had when I was your age was alcoholic & abusive) and I've been married for almost 15 yrs with bunches of nieces, nephews, great-nieces & great-nephews that I cannot imagine not having been around to see, play with & enjoy.
There IS a corner up there - and you will turn it - it's just keeping the faith & the hope alive to get there...
Please keep coming back here, helping others, helping yourself, (helping me too)...
You're a survivor - somehow that comes thru in your post...
:angel:

ArkieGurl,
I sent you a note on the Resp...board about sore throats and PANDAS, but didn't expect to see this! My empathies are with you-- I remember when I was your age, I had a mega sore throat outbreak and it really hammered my autoimmune system and I was really a basket case for several weeks and then it took quite awhile for me to get back to what I felt was 'full strength'. As a result, I found out that these autoimmune conditions kind of 'lurk around' your system and if they haven't already caused some kind of damage to you in your adolescence, can affect you in a way that you are always feeling 'down' and also your sensitivity and irritability are always up, and even affects your relationships with friends and family. And then on top of that you say you have been Dx'd w/BP for several years, which by itself is a big load to deal with. And probably you've been taking meds, too, right? And on double top of that, people, esp. 'kids'/teens, as you say, mostly don't want to hang around with people who have, you know: 'problems'. BEEN THERE DONE THAT SUX BIGTIME.

There's a great book/movie called 'Catch 22' in which the main character is always trying to get out of the Army during WWII because it's driving him crazy, but the "catch 22" is that you're "normal" if the horribleness of the War and your miserable lot in it drives you crazy-- you know, who WOULDN'T go crazy! Well, I don't mean to make light of this, it is very serious. What I am trying to point out is that, even though it seems kind of 'crazy', that anyone in your situation would feel lousy!

I also want to say, like Ruth, that things do tend to [start] turn[ing] around when you get into your 20's. Several things are in peoples' favor at that point in their lives: their body matures and gets some age distance from most bothersome childhood 'syndromes'; they (can, legally, at least) get away from those depressing family stresses; they can do some learning'n'earning to be more self-reliant; and they can and do more of what they WANT to do not what is, well, 'dumped' on them, often against their will and outside of their control or effective ability to do much about. And, definitely, you've got a lot of love to give, and there's a lot of good things yet to come that you can't get to unless you try. There's no guarantee here but these do add up in your favor, I think most people will agree.

But I know that it seems right now like being in a big hole and that it's hard and pointless to climb out and besides, you just don't have the energy, even if you had the will and the way.

Try this: focus, focus, focus, on the [3] most important ++POSITIVE++ things that can have the most benefit towards the things that YOU most want. It's corny but I think this song has good words for you right now: "You've got to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative, don't mess with Mister In-Between".

Here's a starter kit (my 25-yr-old son 'approves' [he knows, 2]):

Focus: first, you definitely need get on top of this sore throat/pneumo thing and then make sure that you're getting good nutrition, which has alot to do with keeping yourself above the immunoreaction line, so to speak, as well as helping you feel more positive, just physically more positive.

Focus: then make sure that you're are getting the best medical help (MD, Rx) you can for your BP, because that will help get and keep you above water and out of hot water. If you're doing 'stuff', STOP. As for Rx'd meds, I know that they can be a problem but they can also help alot, esp. w/BP-- Ruth's got experience + wisdom on this one.

Focus: always keep working on your support system, like thru the boards, here. You seem to understand the 2 most important parts of that: Not only do you NOT want to do it alone, you CAN'T do it alone.

Hey Arkie, My name is Christina. I am also 20. I have a lot of the same problems as you. I never had any love eathier in my life. At age 6, my dad left my mom, because my mom cheated. They were never married, only engaged. My mom still isn't part of my life. My father used to always beat me up, and try to instigate me to the point where I would scream at me. When I was 10 I lost my grandma, who I comsidered my mother, because she was the only one that loved me. My dad kept putting me in and out of mental hospitals, because I would cry a lot and scream, but its because of him that I would do that. I was always contolled by him. I used to party a lot to take away the pain of dealing with my father, but it never worked. When I would come home early in the morning from partying he would beat the crap out of me. I would always report him to the police, but he would tell them that I was crazy, because I"M bipolar, so the police didnt believe me. Im still living at home with grandpa, dad and stepmom and 2 half sisters. Things are better now, but its hard to forget the past. Im still controlled but I try just to live mylife. I dont have any friends eathier. Maybe one girlfriend and a few guy friends, but there not really really good friendships. I have a boyfriend but things are complicated with that situation. So I know how you feel. When I was a teenager i always wanted to die, but then you realize there is so much more to life to look forward too. I think in your situation you should work and move out. Im to scared to move out, because i dont like changes. I have attachment problems. Its hard to get along with your own family. I now I had a lot of problems as well. Where are you from? Im from NY. Are on medication? I have been on meds. since 11 and I HATE IT!! these meds. screwed up my body. I pretty much have been on every med in the book. Now Im on SEROquel for 6yrs now and I hat that drug. and trileptal i hate that too. [ removed ] write back !!! Take care Christina

Hi,
My family is very similiar to yours.....I will tell you that my parents divorced when i was young before the age four....My father moved on with his new family and left my sister and i behind....My mother married a man who molested my sister and i, when i was five until he committed suicide when i was twelve.....My mother hated my sister and i.....Really never new why until i became older to realize that, all that time she knew what was going on but decided to live in this world of hers, that everything was alright....After my step father was gone my mother started to beat us not just spanking....She has given me a black eye, dislocated my jaw, bruises and so on.....By the age of fifteen i became pregnant with my son....I was disowned totally from family members....I guess i was an embrassment to them....She gave my son away to cousins that couldn't have children but i know that i was young but i fought with everything i had to keep him and i did....He meant the world to me and still does.....
After he was born i was then kicked out because i finally told a friend what my step father did to us and she told her mother who told my mother....My mother disowned me and told me i was a liar.....That was heart breaking....
I moved in with the father of my son and his family what a mistake....He then became abusive to me and cheated on me left and right.....He tried to run me over with his car and one time strangle me.....
Now that i am 27 years old, i have married to the most loving man....Have two beautiful boys....Good jobs, house, cars and so on..Even though i did have a problem with myself, thinking it was just depression,i seeked out help last year....These are the things i have learned, is that you should look at the good things in life not always focusing on the negative things.....I know that sometimes it seems that the negative things stick out more than the positive things but i try my hardest to look over that now.....I look at my past as a survival.....When you think that there is no one out there really there is, all you have to do is reach out to them..... As you can see there is alot of people on this board so don't feel that you are alone....You should be more focused on yourself not on anyone else....Today now that i don't seek for my mothers love and approval she wants so bad to be my friend.....She finally realized what she lost....But that i'm not ready to give to her forgiveness yet and maybe i never will be....
It's a terrible thing on how some parents treat their children but don't let them bring you down....You are so worth more than that....The way i look at it, when they get old and need us to take care of them....The thing i say to my mom is what comes around goes around....I honestly believe in that....Just focus on your future and make a good life for your self....We make our own lives not anyone else....
Then i was diagnosed with bi polar and PTSD....I go to a psychotheripist, someone to talk to,about how you feel, and they will help you with your bipolar.....They are always there if you need them....If you need to just talk, there are plenty of people on this board who will give you support as my self....My heart goes out to you...You are what matters focus on your health and your path to a happy life....

Hey all....Thanks for all the loving words you have said....it really means alot to me! I was on Lithium but stopped taking it because I was tired of meds....I regret doing that now because now I have no way to get back on them til I get a job and some insurance....I need my meds, but cant afford them... I am trying my hardest to make due without them and trying my hardest not to think about negative things....its HARD.....very!?! I just wanted everyone to know I am doing alittle better than when I wrote this to begin with! I just know I do and I dont want to live at times....Right now I do! But in order to live I need my meds....cause without them...I am not me!...Well at the least the HAPPY GO LUCKY me! Thanks All....Whitney

Hey Whitney, the good news is that Lithium is one of the cheapest mood stabilizers out there..
Have you thought about trying your local Mental Health Association? They may be able to help you with meds until you can get on your feet.
Trying to think positively is GREAT, but don't forget that with a chemical imbalance we don't always have the ability to control our moods - it can be out of our hands!!
Hang in there, you're a great asset to this board and will be able to help alot of people who never knew that someone else felt like they did!