I don't know whether I'm coming or going, I feel so bad about everything - even writing this post, but I don't know what to do with myself. There's too much going on in my head, and I can't seem to get any of it out. I'm thinking about all the years I've wasted through anorexia and bulimia.....what I've gained from it and also what I've lost. I feel so sad.
I feel completely terrible for putting my family through all the worry, especially my mum. Only I can't change any of it now, I can't even say to her I'm sorry because I don't know how to say it. I feel so guilty. It's like she doesn't deserve to have such a bad daughter, and I know she's proud of me, but I still feel like such a failure. I've made her so unhappy by hurting myself, I just keep thinking how selfish and wrapped up in myself I am. I can't stop thinking the way I think. I can't stop hating myself, starving myself, I can't even control myself. I'm so sick of thinking the whole time.
I gained weight this past year while I've been living away for uni, but now it's dropping again.......and I'm so confused about what's happening. I'm tired of all of this now, it's like some never-ending struggle. I should be able to eat normally like everyone else. I don't understand why I'm doing this, whether I'm controlling it or not. I can't go through hurting people again, it would break my mums heart if she knew how hard I'm finding things again.
It's like all that time and money that was spent making me better has just all been for nothing. I really don't deserve for anyone to even talk to me. :( People are gonna be so disappointed in me.
I feel so much like I'm being pulled both ways from two completely different directions, I'm just stuck right in the middle not knowing which way to go. I can't talk to anyone anymore because there isn't anyone now. I live away from my friends, my gf can't deal with it, and I had to stop seeing my therapist when I moved. I just feel so lonely, stuck inside my own head. I feel so stupid for writing all this, and I do apologise for being this miserable.
I don't know, I'm just wondering when and how this crap will end.

Take care all,
love Ali xxx

Ali-
The hard thing about these diseases are that when you finally get on the road to recovery they make you feel guilty and worthless. I've been there too...you feel like you don't have control over your body, appetite, thoughts, emotions. It's an interal battle that you must win on your own. I think that you have a good start because you said that you didn't want to hurt others anymore. This means that you realize that being anorexic/bulimic hurts others too...especially your mom. My mother played an important role in my recovery. She was there to care and worry about me. I think that the person who can control the evil, negative voices in their heads and emotion from ED's are incredible. I think you'll have to struggle for a while, but realize that life is beautiful and you only get one chance to live it, so make it the best life possible.

I hope I've helped. "Today's a reason for living!" You can win this battle...be strong and if you need more help or advice, post here and I'll watch for you.

Love, Jen

Jen,
I just wanted to say thankyou for your reply, everything you said to me is right and logically I understand that. Sometimes it just feels like the amount of time I've struggled isn't amounting to anything, and I'm just so tired of thinking this way. However, I am feeling a little more optimistic today, so that's a good thing. I'm glad your mother was there for you, because you seem like a wonderful person who really is worth every bit of her time.

I hope you are well, and thankyou once again.

Take care,
love Ali x