Hi everyone, first I would like to say that I have been a caregiver for 5 years, I quit 2 years ago and i miss it. I have been told I have alot of patients and I used to work the best with the most difficult people. However...... my husband and I take care of his father, he was diagnosed with scizophrenia (sp?) when he was 17, hes now 76, he has always had a problem with taking care of his hygene (not liking to shower, wash, etc.) But now its getting worse, he has had on the same pair of pants for a month now, and the same shirt for 2 weeks, we have been trying to get him to change but he won't, we got him into the shower last week, but he put on the same pants, when we try to get him to change he starts screaming and becoming combative. He has also become more demanding, like the other day he needed stamps, my husband was busy and couldn't take him, we'll he kept calling and calling him to take him to get stamps even thou my husband explained he couldn't at the moment and would get them as soon as he got home.
I think alot of this has to do with me and my husband are expecting our first baby in August, and hes starting to get jelous, he does not like change, and every time we bring home something new for the baby or say we have to go to the store to get something for the baby he pouts on the couch and thinks of something "important" that he needs to get done at that exact moment.
He is very indipendant, but he likes to "play the old man card" when he wants sympathy, which is most of the time, and in which my husband gives in to alot. But he can be indipendant when he wants or needs to. He goes to the doctor once a week, but the doctor has not said anything about him not changing or anything. I am worried that they will try to say that we are abusing him by neglect for not forsing him to change, but if you knew him you would know how impossible it is.
I have tried talking to my husband about getting him a home health aid, (thinking someone new would help) but he flat out refuses, he dosen't like to admit to needing help with him or that his father is getting older (my husband is only 30). I am also worried that he will try to do something to the baby when he comes, because my husband will have to spend time with the baby and not him. Anyone else been thru anything simalar to this? Like I said I have been a nurses aid before and did my best work with the most difficult people, but he is the most difficult person to live with/work with I have ever met.
thanks for any information.

I can't say I've been there because I haven't but here are some thoughts.

Your husband may have to get past the "not wanting to ask for help" issue. You are going to have a baby soon and that should be his first priority. I'm not saying stop taking care of his father, I'm just saying that if there is even a small thought that his dad might hurt the baby, THAT should be the first issue.

Have you thought about/considered assisted living? That way you know he would be taken care of and he would be in a supervised setting.

Good luck and let us know how you're doing

Hi, thanks for the reply, I too have thought to have him go live in a assisted living, but he flat out refuses, and suddenly becomes more indipendant, and dosen't need to run errands every day. once we even went to go visit a relative that worked at a assisted living, he refused to go inside and sat in the car, locked all the doors and set the alarm, and wouldn't unlock the car until he knew for sure it was just us.
I have tried to talk to my dh about getting help, but he just won't budge, and his father is running him ragged. and we have no alone time. I hate to put him in the position of choosing between his father and me, but when the baby comes if I see one thing I don't like I will do it, I'll feel like a horrible person, but I would never put my baby's life on the line.
Sorry to be sounding off, but I just need to vent, thanks so much.

I have been in a similar situation, not exact, and it was difficult to get my husband to do what he needed to do. I talked to a physicologist and was told until my husband quit being the good little boy nothing would change.

Your husband must realize the situation as it is now will only tear the two of you apart and both will be under unbearable stress. One or both of you could lose your health as a result. I was the one to lose my health and it is no fun. Stress does many things to a person.

Look at it this way. Your f-i-l had the opportunity to live his life, have a family, etc., now it is time for you and your husband to live your life, have a family, etc., AND be kind to your f-i-l. This does not mean you and your husband should have 24/7 care of your f-i-l. Outside help is a blessing.

The assisted living would be great for your f-i-l. He would have meals prepared, room cleaned, others his age to visit with, transportation to and from businesses/doctors when needed. He would be able to continue living independently and still have the love and doting of his son.

We finally moved my m-i-l into an assisted living place and she loved it inspite of claiming it was "posh jail"! She had her needs met, others to visit with, her own private suite, maid service, meals prepared, beauty shop, activities, and we visited often.

Does your f-i-l sleep in the same clothes, if not, when he goes to bed, wash his clothes and put them back.

Is your f-i-l on medication for his problems?

:wave: Ok you need to think about your self tell your husband that you are going to need home health to come out a couple of days a week to help out that you cannot take care of his father 24/7 when you have this baby It dose sound like he is hard to work with I am also Certified Nurse assistance and have been for 23 years One thing that I would do once you can get his cloths off is try and put them in the washer right away and turn it on as fast as you can so that the pants get wet fast
lay out the clean pair while he is in the shower if you can leave him along for a few.once those other pants are wet their is no way that he is going to be able to put them on again so he will have to put on what you have lay out i am sure that it will tick him off but you just have to do what you can do.I would get home health to come out to help take care of him and tell your husband this is the way it is going to have to be for awhile.Sometimes you really have to sneck behind their back to get them to do what you need them to do I hope that this has been of some help if you would like to chat let me know,
kay

Hi thanks for all the replys, we finally got him to change his clothes, he had doctors appointments every day last week and his doctor noticed him wearnig the same clothes and made him change (it must be a authority thing) so hes been wearing these ones for about 5 days now. my husband has been seeing a psychiatrist because its getting to stressful for him, and even the psychiatrist tells him he needs to back off and get help, but he likes being the "good boy"
me, his freinds and family have been telling him he needs to back off a bit too, once the baby comes its going to need him, and I explained to him, this isn't my baby, this is our baby, and hes not going to be ignored because your dad wants to go for a car ride.
I think that once he actually sees the baby, he will back off some and get help to spend more time with the baby. He never got to be a kid himself and hes so excited about the baby coming.
again thanks so much!

Have you tried including your f-i-l on things? Like taking him with to pick out a crib for the baby? It sounds to me like your f-i-l is terrified of being alone. And older people love to feel included. You have your hands full, my dear. I have a dad with alzheimers. I live with him, my dh and son. But my boy is 15 and he helps with grandpa's care. My plate is totally full. When your baby comes, you're not going to have the time to pay as much attention to your f-i-l as he needs. Your dh is going to have to realize that. Is he open to going to a caregivers support group? That may be the only way you'll get him to realize he can't do it all and neither can you.
I'm just wondering if your dh thinks you can take care of his dad and the baby because you used to work in the field. This has to be putting a real emotional strain on you and your dh. I hope you can come to an agreement that all of you will be happy with.
Barb