I guess I've been feeling kind of depressed these last few days. I haven't eating a single thing in two days but I don't feel even the slightest bit hungry. I'm so frustrated. I exercised like crazy yesterday, today was too tired to do anything much but I did manage to get out there and exercise one of the horses for a couple hours.

Why aren't I getting hungry? It's too soon for my metabolism to be slowing down. I WANT to feel hungry because it makes me feel like I'm losing weight. Only a few times today did I actually feel any hunger at all but not now...

This isn't fair. I'm sick of seeing what I see in the mirror. I'm sick of lying awake at night dreading the food I'll have to face the next day. I want to be underweight, I don't care if it's a stupid thing to say at this point, it's what I want.

What's gotten into me lately? I've been getting so much better I've even been able to cut the Celexa down to 40mgs, instead of 60mgs... I don't want to be depressed all my life I just want to be happy. :(

this is just a small setback for you. you will make it thhrough this too. just eat small stuff during the day, hungry or not...maybe it will wake up your stomach when you start eating a little...the depression will go away again though...always does right :)

well just a little note before class, take care...ttfn

Hey Ashlee

Sorry you haven't been feeling very good. Don't really know what to suggest, but I just wanted to let you know if you ever want a chat I am here.

Take care
Milly xxxx

Hey Ashlee... I had a major downfall the other week and was asking myself the exact same questions! The weird thing is, is that I havent felt hunger in aaaaages for some reason..i could go days without feeling that feeling.. im not sure why it doesnt occur!!
Maybe you're body is just having a hard time adjusting to the dose you are taking now........i really dont know. Hope u get through this sh** time soon coz I know how sh** it feels.

x(((((HUGZ))))))x

Hi all and thanks for your replies. :)

Caroline, I think the reason you're not feeling hunger is because of the length of time you have been depriving yourself of food. Your metabolism can slow down quite dramaticaly so just a small amount of food may make you feel full.

I just didn't think this would happen to me so quickly as I have only been doing this to this extent for three days now.

Roxy thank you for your offer. :) I appreciate it, I really do. It's good to just be able to talk about this stuff annonomously sometimes.

Ivy as for the depression, I'm SO fed up with it coming and going. I just want it GONE. For GOOD. Why does it always have to come back? I don't feel like this is a 'satback' because I WANT to do this. I WANT to starve myself and lose weight. Because I HATE what I look like. I'm a hidious worthless freak in my eyes and I want to change.

I'm pathetic, I know. I shouldn't really post here saying how much I want to lose weight... then again I guess that's what this forum is for. Not losing weight I mean, but for support and advice.

I'm gonna stop trying to make sense of things I don't understand now...

Take care
Ashlee

Now Ash my dear, what is it you want from this? Do you want to be back in the grips of anorexia? I am so worried for you. I think you should tell your doctor how you are feeling.
Now remember way back when I first posted to you? Well let me refresh you on some of what I said because I think it could still be useful.
Now get that pen to hand and write the following....
First make yourself a list of why you decided to seek help in the first place. Presumably you had had enough of feeling bad, maybe you realised you did not want to harm your body anymore, or maybe you realised it was not solving the real issues. Write all those factors down.
Secondly make yourself a list of all the things you still want to do and achieve in your life. For example, riding, having kids, bungee jumping, travelling the world, whatever floats your boat!
Thirdly make yourself a list of all the good things that make you feel better however bad you are feeling. eg, your family, your friends, your horses, sunshine, whatever.
Then put them all somewhere you can see them all the time, such as in your diary or on your bedroom wall. These can be your inspiration, you can look at them and remind yourself that you don't want to miss out on all these things.
Keep fighting because as long as you are fighting, you are living.
You can do this.
You can be happy.
You are special and we all love you.
Hugs from H xoxo
:bouncing:

Hi Aurora.

Please don't worry! I've been though this before, it's not going to kill me. I just want to lose SOME weight, I don't want to be like I was before. I guess I know it's still an issue though, or I wouldn't be posting on an ED forum. But I can't change the way I feel so simply. I don't even WANT to eat. In some sick demented way I guess I want to be sick. I know that must sound stupid.

As for when I first started getting help, well... it wasn't by choice. I was forced into it by my school counsellor. It was horrible. I didn't like it AT ALL. I couldn't talk at all because of anxiety. I honestly don't think I gained anything at all from the whole 'ordeal'. It was a miserable time. On top of that, the Phsychiatrist, who prescribed the anti depressants for me, would just tell my mum every SINGLE thing that I managed to tell them. So that left me with so much guilt, embarressmant, and to be honest, I was really angry that he would do that. Considering it's against their policy.

So you see... I'm really not interested in 'getting help'. Especially as I don't want them to force me to 'get better' from something that really isn't a huge deal. Let me lose some weight, THEN I'll start eating again. I swear.

Honey do you think you can kid me or even yourself that you can just lose SOME weight. That is anorexia talking. And it doesn't sound stupid that you feel you want to be sick. Many of us want both to be sick and simultaneously to be well. I sure as hell have that happen.

Ok well maybe last time your help wasn't, how shall I say it? Wasn't Ashlee frendly. But get yourself a therapist who is just for you. Patient confidentiality breach is an offence punishable by suspension, or even losing their licence to practice. If they were to ever breach that right, you should report them.

You say you aren't much interested in help because you don't want to be forced. So choose it of your own free will. You don't want to be miserable forever do you?

Keep hanging on,
Hugs from H xoxo

I just don't WANT help... please Aurora, you must know where I coming from... what is 'help' anyway? It didn't make me any better. I got better on my own free will. Maybe because I started feeling less depressed because of the AD's. But we all know we can't live off those forever.

I just honestly have no desire to eat. And no interest whatsoever to 'get better'. Please understand. I don't CARE if I am sick - so long as I'm thin, it's okay.

I just don't believe that therapy is for everyone. Just the whole idea freaks me out. I'm not just scared, I'm UNWILLING to go along with it. I don't know...

Let me lose some weight, THEN I'll start eating again. I swear.

Hi Ashlee!!

I hope you are feeling better today! I had to quote you on this sentence. It is what I say to myself all the time but yet I keep on trying to beat the numbers on the scale. It is like a never ending circle. No end to it.
I don't know if you read my post called "today is my day" or something like that, lol. I ate alot this saturday and I really enjoyed it. But the sad thing is that I knew deep down the next day I would try to make up for it. And that is exactly what I did. I ask myself all the time why do I do this to myself. I read somewhere that eating disorders stem from other problems in life. I believe that is where mine came from. I think that when you are ready, you will be able to overcome this eating disorder. Even though you are not ready, keep in mind and ask yourself if this is the way you want to live the rest of your life. You have the power within you. Believe it or not, you made the first step by admitting you have an eating disorder by posting on this board.
I know that this really doesn't help, but I felt the need to post it.
At least you know that there are others that know and feel the same way you do.

:)