Fiona_Jo_324
06-13-2004, 03:43 AM
I just wanted to get some opinions. Lately my husband will ask me how I'm doing and I will respond honestly .. I'm in pain. His typical response is "you're always in pain." It seems like we go back and forth like this constantly; I get kind of upset (because I feel like he is criticizing me for being in pain). He claims he's just stating a fact. He knows the reality of all my conditions -- they are very painful conditions. I'm not sure if he's looking for a different response. It is hard to talk to him; because when the conversation gets any deeper, he just seems to withdrawl completely. He's a wonderful husband and father. Through all the struggles with my health he has been there. Right now he is basically doing everything, all the house work, laundry, shopping, etc. He never complains. It makes me sad though; because sometimes I feel like I'm not holding up my end of the bargain and that he is disapointed in me. I know he loves me; we've been married for 16 years and when we spend time together we have lots of fun. My lupus was in remission and then I injured my back. Now, unfortunately in addition to my back healing from the fusion procedure; I'm experiencing a great deal of joint pain and exhaustion from my lupus. So, I'm experiencing more pain than usual. (It isn't unusual for stressful events like surgery to aggravate lupus related symptoms.) Any thoughts are appreciated. I probably just sound like I'm having a pity-party right now. :nono:
Jo :wave:
Jo :wave:
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scotty12
06-13-2004, 12:37 PM
jo,
i really believe that unles you have lived with chronic pain you couldnt understand how physically and emotionally draining it really is.ive been through this with my wife who is supportive but also gets frustrated at times.hang in there....scotty
i really believe that unles you have lived with chronic pain you couldnt understand how physically and emotionally draining it really is.ive been through this with my wife who is supportive but also gets frustrated at times.hang in there....scotty
Shoreline
06-13-2004, 06:15 PM
Hi Fiona, I could have written your post. My 16th anneversary is next week. Apperently I said something 5 years ago when I was bed ridden that she's never fogiven or forgotten. I put this pump in hoping it would give me enough relief to return to some kind of normal life, But she didn't have time to be at the hospital for the implant, or to talk to the doc prior to the implant.
People have an expectation of everyone getting better. You have surgery or get injured, there is a perriod of concern and empathy and then it turns into resentment because we have disapointed them by not getting better.
There is no way for someone to understandd what it's like to loose everything in your life that made you who you are. That's the nice thing about the forum.Other Cpers do know.
Whatever I said, which I can't remember was so bad it's unforgivable or unforgetable, so I probably won't be around much the next few months, I have a bunch of legal stuff to figure out and need to find a place to live or a way to live another 7 months like this untill the lease expires. She's already removed all the valuables, 15k in collectable rdreamcycles and another 20k in jewlry and crystal from wedding gifts.
Even my daughter has turned against me at the age of 10 because it has scared her to see me nod off while on meth. I was on meth because there was no other afordable sulution, We paid 380 a month for over a year to cobra my wifes insurance when she went back to school, so that at the first sign of a cavity she could go to the dentist or go to the doc.
I swithced or gave up every med I was on so that we could survive the year she went back to school only to make half the money she used to. She says she's tired of being broke and living like this. Actually it's summer and she wants a rich man to keep her at home by a pool. So In a few weeks or months I'll have nothing of my former life. I wish she had told me this was going to happen before I had the surgery.
But that's life. I'll be checking in occaisionally but even my daughter says she feels neglected if I don't sign of the computer the minute she walks in the door. My wife too. Even though I do all the cooking, cleaning and shopping. She's in for a big surprise, I wish I knew what I said, But since it was 4 years ago, No matter what I do, it won't make a difference.
This also just so happens 2 days after she buys a new Camry and promises to look for a better job. Like one that would have covered me and my daughter with insurance, again, she's the only one that "we" can aford to cover, adding me and my daughter would be an additional 700 bucks a month so I continue to sacrifice as she continues to shop.
I was at the chiropractor 4 weeks ago telling him I couldn't aford to do a maint plan as my wife and daughter were at the salon getting their nails done.
As hard as it mayt be on the spouse, They can walk away at any time and move on with life. We CPers don't have the same choice. I went through the she deserves better, now I'm at the point that I deserve better.
Without my income we can't stay here and without her income I can't stay here. So I will likely be signing off for a while in the next few weeks or maybe the end of summer. Once the pump is titrated properly, I can leave the area and return every few months for a refill.
Take care all. Dave
People have an expectation of everyone getting better. You have surgery or get injured, there is a perriod of concern and empathy and then it turns into resentment because we have disapointed them by not getting better.
There is no way for someone to understandd what it's like to loose everything in your life that made you who you are. That's the nice thing about the forum.Other Cpers do know.
Whatever I said, which I can't remember was so bad it's unforgivable or unforgetable, so I probably won't be around much the next few months, I have a bunch of legal stuff to figure out and need to find a place to live or a way to live another 7 months like this untill the lease expires. She's already removed all the valuables, 15k in collectable rdreamcycles and another 20k in jewlry and crystal from wedding gifts.
Even my daughter has turned against me at the age of 10 because it has scared her to see me nod off while on meth. I was on meth because there was no other afordable sulution, We paid 380 a month for over a year to cobra my wifes insurance when she went back to school, so that at the first sign of a cavity she could go to the dentist or go to the doc.
I swithced or gave up every med I was on so that we could survive the year she went back to school only to make half the money she used to. She says she's tired of being broke and living like this. Actually it's summer and she wants a rich man to keep her at home by a pool. So In a few weeks or months I'll have nothing of my former life. I wish she had told me this was going to happen before I had the surgery.
But that's life. I'll be checking in occaisionally but even my daughter says she feels neglected if I don't sign of the computer the minute she walks in the door. My wife too. Even though I do all the cooking, cleaning and shopping. She's in for a big surprise, I wish I knew what I said, But since it was 4 years ago, No matter what I do, it won't make a difference.
This also just so happens 2 days after she buys a new Camry and promises to look for a better job. Like one that would have covered me and my daughter with insurance, again, she's the only one that "we" can aford to cover, adding me and my daughter would be an additional 700 bucks a month so I continue to sacrifice as she continues to shop.
I was at the chiropractor 4 weeks ago telling him I couldn't aford to do a maint plan as my wife and daughter were at the salon getting their nails done.
As hard as it mayt be on the spouse, They can walk away at any time and move on with life. We CPers don't have the same choice. I went through the she deserves better, now I'm at the point that I deserve better.
Without my income we can't stay here and without her income I can't stay here. So I will likely be signing off for a while in the next few weeks or maybe the end of summer. Once the pump is titrated properly, I can leave the area and return every few months for a refill.
Take care all. Dave
kristinita9
06-13-2004, 07:32 PM
Such a sad posting Shoreline; I'm truly sorry to hear about the problems you're going through now. I've read your information and helpful advice to so many CP'rs on this board. I can only hope that things work out for you somehow and you will truly be missed on here. Take care and check in when you can.
geifer
06-13-2004, 08:42 PM
Fiona Jo and Shoreline, I guess I didn't realize how lucky I am. My husband of 31 years has been putting up with my illness for many years and just digs in and starts helping when I can't get the job done. But he also had some problems with drinking early on in the marriage. I guess we figured I carried him for awhile and now he has to carry me. There are all kinds of people in this world shoreline and yours seems to care about only one and that is herself. Hopefully one day when she needs some care and compassion in her life that there will be someone there to help her or maybe not. Fiona Jo sometimes husbands don't know how to deal with other peoples pain, and until they do ( not bad mouthing men ) it maybe the only way they know how to handle it. I know my husband and I have been thru many operations and pain clinic appointments and a lot of health issues with me. I don't expect much from him I mean I don't expect him to clean the way I do or cook or do the laundry like I do I just appraciate that he tried.
Shoreline take care and I pray things work out for you. Please don't stay away to long you are such a big part of many peoples life on this board and I know people care about you. Take care and always in prayers geifer
Shoreline take care and I pray things work out for you. Please don't stay away to long you are such a big part of many peoples life on this board and I know people care about you. Take care and always in prayers geifer
Fiona_Jo_324
06-13-2004, 09:13 PM
Shoreline --
You have been there for so many people and even though I basically "lurked" for a long time; my surgery is what motivated me to finally start posting -- I always read your responses and your helpful support to the people on this board. I really can relate; I had a successful career that I had to give up when I became too sick to work. Basically, I had to realize that for 14 years my career had defined me. In a way my illness helped me focus more on being a mother than I would have otherwise. It slowed me down (not that I am by any means criticizing working moms) ... I was career obsessed .. traveling all the time. My oldest son spent more time in day care than with me. That is time I will always regret missing. My son and I are now very close; but I miss the fact that I wasn't with him when he took he first step (my husband was). With my twins it was another story; granted much of the time I spent with them when they were tiny I was ill; but I still had those precious moments with them. I know I'm digressing a bit; but I also know the financial blow my illness had on our family. It is so hard. But I have to say my husband has "risen" to the need; I feel bad now for complaining. I would hope what you're experiencing with your daughter is temporary; children go through strange phases and I'm sure she loves you. I know right now my daugher (who is now ten) is going through a phase where she says her dad is mean -- she says he always yells. I try to tell her that he is just stressed because he is trying to stay on top of everything around the house and has a lot to deal with. I'm sure deep down your daughter realizes how much you love her; kids just have a funny way of expressing themselves sometimes. As far as your wife is concerned, I'm so sorry. Long marriages like the ones we have shouldn't be taken for granted. I hope at some point she realizes that. Sickness and health .. important words to remember. Anyway, sorry for the long post; I just wanted to say I hope you can get on the board and just check-in periodically and also let you know how much I do understand what your going through and I sincerely hope things do work out for you and your family. :angel:
Jo
You have been there for so many people and even though I basically "lurked" for a long time; my surgery is what motivated me to finally start posting -- I always read your responses and your helpful support to the people on this board. I really can relate; I had a successful career that I had to give up when I became too sick to work. Basically, I had to realize that for 14 years my career had defined me. In a way my illness helped me focus more on being a mother than I would have otherwise. It slowed me down (not that I am by any means criticizing working moms) ... I was career obsessed .. traveling all the time. My oldest son spent more time in day care than with me. That is time I will always regret missing. My son and I are now very close; but I miss the fact that I wasn't with him when he took he first step (my husband was). With my twins it was another story; granted much of the time I spent with them when they were tiny I was ill; but I still had those precious moments with them. I know I'm digressing a bit; but I also know the financial blow my illness had on our family. It is so hard. But I have to say my husband has "risen" to the need; I feel bad now for complaining. I would hope what you're experiencing with your daughter is temporary; children go through strange phases and I'm sure she loves you. I know right now my daugher (who is now ten) is going through a phase where she says her dad is mean -- she says he always yells. I try to tell her that he is just stressed because he is trying to stay on top of everything around the house and has a lot to deal with. I'm sure deep down your daughter realizes how much you love her; kids just have a funny way of expressing themselves sometimes. As far as your wife is concerned, I'm so sorry. Long marriages like the ones we have shouldn't be taken for granted. I hope at some point she realizes that. Sickness and health .. important words to remember. Anyway, sorry for the long post; I just wanted to say I hope you can get on the board and just check-in periodically and also let you know how much I do understand what your going through and I sincerely hope things do work out for you and your family. :angel:
Jo
Fiona_Jo_324
06-13-2004, 09:23 PM
Scotty and Geifer;
You are right; it is so hard for people to understand chronic pain unless they experience it and that is what I have to realize with my husband. My husband has been so healthy; so I know it is hard for him to relate. Now, looking back I'm not sure if he really is being critical or being hopeful when he asks how I'm feeling. I'm just looking for to the day that I can say -- I'm feeling great. (I don't want it sound that I haven't had any painfree days in the last ten years), because I have and we have some very good times as a family; it just seems like lately between my back and my lupus related pain .. the painfree days are few and far between. I'm only 40 and I'm holding out hope that I have more painfree or at least pain-managed days to look forward to. I really appreciate your helping me to put it in perspective. :angel:
Jo :wave:
You are right; it is so hard for people to understand chronic pain unless they experience it and that is what I have to realize with my husband. My husband has been so healthy; so I know it is hard for him to relate. Now, looking back I'm not sure if he really is being critical or being hopeful when he asks how I'm feeling. I'm just looking for to the day that I can say -- I'm feeling great. (I don't want it sound that I haven't had any painfree days in the last ten years), because I have and we have some very good times as a family; it just seems like lately between my back and my lupus related pain .. the painfree days are few and far between. I'm only 40 and I'm holding out hope that I have more painfree or at least pain-managed days to look forward to. I really appreciate your helping me to put it in perspective. :angel:
Jo :wave:
farmboy7
06-13-2004, 11:02 PM
I have felt like a bulldozer ran me over lately but I guess I'm a lucky guy. Think I'll go give wifey a kiss. She works full time and is goin back to school in her "spare" time to get her degree to support us both.
Shore,
Don't give up on that little girl yet. If adults can't understand us CP'ers then we can't blame her. Someday she will realize the truth about mom.
Shore,
Don't give up on that little girl yet. If adults can't understand us CP'ers then we can't blame her. Someday she will realize the truth about mom.
it never ends
06-14-2004, 03:28 AM
Oh yea! A pity party! I want in too. Somebody pass the popcorn. Got any drinks?
Here's how it is, in my opinion. There are two kinds of people in the world: givers and takers. 'Givers' marry 'takers'. The takers use up the givers, and then drop the givers when they fall apart.
I'm so darn sick of being good, and strong, and nice, and sweet, and saying I feel OK when I'm in agony, and doing all the work alone, that I could just scream!
I was the perfect wife for 20 years. My husband treated me like dirt, but I was raised Catholic, so I stayed. He became an alcoholic, and a few years ago, he beat me up. It was his way of saying thanks for all the good years. I didn't get better: I got worse, and then I got diagnosed with DDD. Now he is divorcing me. He got tired of looking at what he did to me. He is telling everyone that I am a drug addict, just so they don't tell him he is a creep for leaving me. I can only imagine what else he is saying, but I am getting the cold shoulder and snotty remarks from people I don't even know.
Is there a hell? I hope so. But I hope he gets every single thing he did to me back a lot sooner than that. 'As you sow so shall you reap.' In other words, I don't want revenge, I just want him to get the same. That would be hell enough.
I don't know how I made it these past many years. I would have killed myself if I had the strength. Luckily I didn't. Now I am faced with the need to work so I can get health insurance so I can continue to be in pain for the rest of my life. I was a housewife, and I can't even type. Now I'm in so much pain, I don't know what I can do. Yippee.
And I have only a 50/50 chance of proving he hurt me, because of the DDD.
But you know what? Sometimes I'm really happy. He's gone, and I can be in any mood I want to be. I can be happy. I'm in terrible pain and nobody cares, but at least I'm not with a person who does not love me. At least I don't have to listen to a drunk call me names, and tell me to wait on him hand and foot even when I am in pain.
Life makes no sense. I just keep looking for the good people, and try to ignore the rest. I used to plan to live to be 100 years old. I was such a health nut! Now I hope I die in about ten years. At that time, all my pets will be gone. I just pray I live that long, even in this much pain.
Thanks for listening, guys. This is the first time I've let it out, ever. I don't care if I get banned for being a 'W'ITCH! This being in constant pain is really not fair!!!!!!!!! What did we do to deserve this??????
Here's how it is, in my opinion. There are two kinds of people in the world: givers and takers. 'Givers' marry 'takers'. The takers use up the givers, and then drop the givers when they fall apart.
I'm so darn sick of being good, and strong, and nice, and sweet, and saying I feel OK when I'm in agony, and doing all the work alone, that I could just scream!
I was the perfect wife for 20 years. My husband treated me like dirt, but I was raised Catholic, so I stayed. He became an alcoholic, and a few years ago, he beat me up. It was his way of saying thanks for all the good years. I didn't get better: I got worse, and then I got diagnosed with DDD. Now he is divorcing me. He got tired of looking at what he did to me. He is telling everyone that I am a drug addict, just so they don't tell him he is a creep for leaving me. I can only imagine what else he is saying, but I am getting the cold shoulder and snotty remarks from people I don't even know.
Is there a hell? I hope so. But I hope he gets every single thing he did to me back a lot sooner than that. 'As you sow so shall you reap.' In other words, I don't want revenge, I just want him to get the same. That would be hell enough.
I don't know how I made it these past many years. I would have killed myself if I had the strength. Luckily I didn't. Now I am faced with the need to work so I can get health insurance so I can continue to be in pain for the rest of my life. I was a housewife, and I can't even type. Now I'm in so much pain, I don't know what I can do. Yippee.
And I have only a 50/50 chance of proving he hurt me, because of the DDD.
But you know what? Sometimes I'm really happy. He's gone, and I can be in any mood I want to be. I can be happy. I'm in terrible pain and nobody cares, but at least I'm not with a person who does not love me. At least I don't have to listen to a drunk call me names, and tell me to wait on him hand and foot even when I am in pain.
Life makes no sense. I just keep looking for the good people, and try to ignore the rest. I used to plan to live to be 100 years old. I was such a health nut! Now I hope I die in about ten years. At that time, all my pets will be gone. I just pray I live that long, even in this much pain.
Thanks for listening, guys. This is the first time I've let it out, ever. I don't care if I get banned for being a 'W'ITCH! This being in constant pain is really not fair!!!!!!!!! What did we do to deserve this??????
surgicaldisaster
06-14-2004, 10:30 AM
First I wanted to say how sorry I am Shore about your home situation. You have hidden it well....you are such a support to us all here and obviously a "giver", married to a taker as I was. I will pray for you. It's just so unfair and makes me truly sad. But, for those who think they are all like that there is hope. My second husband(whom I wish had been my first!) is unbelievable when it comes to support. So, they (female and male) are out there, unfortunately, not always found on the first go round. And it never ends, I'm sorry for what you have been put through as well...but you are right hopefully what goes round will come round. Plese hang in there and know that at least we all have one another even when others have no clue and want no part of us. Love to all, Surgical Disaster
Kayley
06-14-2004, 12:34 PM
It Never Ends, your post really touched me. It made me feel so lucky to have a good husband. He's not perfect, but he's here for me, and I'm so sorry your husband turned out to be like that. I don't think we did anything to deserve to be in pain 24-7. It's just the hand life dealt us and only God knows the reason why. I didn't get to come in here all week and I didn't realize how much coming here helps me, to be able to relate to people like you all, who understand what I go through every day. People try, but they just can't get it, no matter how much we explain.
Shoreline, I knew your marriage wasn't exactly a happy one but I had no idea things were that bad and I'm so sorry. You are such a smart, and wonderful man and you deserve better. You have helped so many here, including myself, so giving of your time and knowledge.
Fiona, I can understand how you feel about realizing how important family is when you were so obsessed with work before you got hurt. I was the same way, and now I realize my job meant nothing and I'm glad I realized it before it was too late. That is one good thing that came out of this whole mess.
I'm so glad I found you all!
Hugs,
Kayley
Shoreline, I knew your marriage wasn't exactly a happy one but I had no idea things were that bad and I'm so sorry. You are such a smart, and wonderful man and you deserve better. You have helped so many here, including myself, so giving of your time and knowledge.
Fiona, I can understand how you feel about realizing how important family is when you were so obsessed with work before you got hurt. I was the same way, and now I realize my job meant nothing and I'm glad I realized it before it was too late. That is one good thing that came out of this whole mess.
I'm so glad I found you all!
Hugs,
Kayley
trowftd3
06-14-2004, 12:51 PM
Just wanted to add my name to list of people you have helped, Shore!
I hope things work out for you. My husband and I both have pain issues and we take turns being the sickest. Maybe your wife will get an infected hangnail and have some compassion.LOL
Please check in when you can...this board would not be the same without your wisdom!
Take care, Mush
I hope things work out for you. My husband and I both have pain issues and we take turns being the sickest. Maybe your wife will get an infected hangnail and have some compassion.LOL
Please check in when you can...this board would not be the same without your wisdom!
Take care, Mush
sgibson
06-14-2004, 12:53 PM
I am so sorry for what you are going through Dave. I had no idea. I truly understand though. My husband also has a hard time dealing with my health problems. He plays a game though. He tries to make all of our family and friends think he is "taking care" of me. He likes the "poor Allen" attention. In all honesty, he works hard but when he comes home he doesn't do anything. I have always had his dinner waiting on him when he came in the door. He has never had to do any housework, or help take care of the kids in any way. I did all of this while working a full time job. Well as many of you know, back in November I gave up my job of 14 years because I was no longer able to work. My husband has probably washed the dishes twice since I had my fusion and both of those times was because I was at the sink leaning over trying to wash the dishes, with silent tears running down my face. He even had the nerve to "*****" at me when I didn't have his work clothes washed right after surgery. My mom came every day for the first month and he had the nerve to say why didn't I make my mom wash his clothes. She already was cooking his dinner, taking care of his children and doing as much housework as she could. My mom is 63. My husband was spoiled rotten by his mother and sisters and to this day thinks he should be waited on hand and foot. He doesn't know how to be selfless. He truly isn't capable of putting someone else's needs before his own. He thinks if he does something for you then you owe him something in return. I have been sick off and on throughout our marriage, but I had always been able to resume my normal duties within a matter of weeks or months. This time, it isn't going to get any better and I don't know if he can deal with it. I think it is only a matter of time before he walks out that door for good. I really don't think it will bother me that much. I am still trying to get my disability so our financial situation really sucks right now. My parents are helping us out tremendously right now and if he leaves I know they will continue to support me. I used to joke with them and tell them the only reason they paid my mortgage is so I wouldn't move back in with them with my 3 kids. LOL. We have been married for 15 years. I don't know how much longer we will make it. I feel like if I were better and could still do the things I used to then we would be fine. We have always had an active lifestyle and the only thing that has changed is me and our financial situation. (because of me). Sometimes I wish he would just go so I could have some peace around here. Sometimes I just wish he could show me a little empathy. It hurts me that he probably will never have empathy for me.
Dave, I'm really sorry you are dealing with this right now. I hope things get better for you, and like someone else said, don't give up on your daughter just yet. I'm sure she will come around. Just show her you love her as much as you ever did. My kids miss the fact that I can't be physically active with them anymore, but I am still here for them. We do other things together. Reading books, watching movies, or just talking. It doesn't take much to please kids. They just need to know they are still the center of your universe.
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
Dave, I'm really sorry you are dealing with this right now. I hope things get better for you, and like someone else said, don't give up on your daughter just yet. I'm sure she will come around. Just show her you love her as much as you ever did. My kids miss the fact that I can't be physically active with them anymore, but I am still here for them. We do other things together. Reading books, watching movies, or just talking. It doesn't take much to please kids. They just need to know they are still the center of your universe.
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
lindao1
06-14-2004, 02:41 PM
Shore,
I'm so sorry and so sad. I knew things weren't perfect but I did not realize how bad they had gotten. My heart goes out to you. As someone else said, you hid it well.
I'm fortunate in that I have a loving husband. Yep, sometimes it got a bit rough but I always knew he loved me. And now that he's in pain management, he has a whole different respect for the pain I deal with on a day-to-day basis. Now it's each of us helping the other. For that I'm thankful.
Shore, please don't lose faith. You are a wonderful, caring and compassionate person. You give so much to others and I know that one day, it will be returned to you in a big way. Bad things happen to good people unfortunately. It's always been that way. But you must stay strong and believe that this will pass. It will in time. Keep your courage up, your faith strong and your forgiveness even stronger. Revenge and hatred do nothing but ultimately destroy the person feeling it, not the one it's directed to.
Shore, you will be in my heart and prayers. Please let us hear from you whenever you can. Know that many, many people are cheering for you. And really just take one day at a time. It's a worn out cliche, but it speaks the truth. Take care my friend, Linda
I'm so sorry and so sad. I knew things weren't perfect but I did not realize how bad they had gotten. My heart goes out to you. As someone else said, you hid it well.
I'm fortunate in that I have a loving husband. Yep, sometimes it got a bit rough but I always knew he loved me. And now that he's in pain management, he has a whole different respect for the pain I deal with on a day-to-day basis. Now it's each of us helping the other. For that I'm thankful.
Shore, please don't lose faith. You are a wonderful, caring and compassionate person. You give so much to others and I know that one day, it will be returned to you in a big way. Bad things happen to good people unfortunately. It's always been that way. But you must stay strong and believe that this will pass. It will in time. Keep your courage up, your faith strong and your forgiveness even stronger. Revenge and hatred do nothing but ultimately destroy the person feeling it, not the one it's directed to.
Shore, you will be in my heart and prayers. Please let us hear from you whenever you can. Know that many, many people are cheering for you. And really just take one day at a time. It's a worn out cliche, but it speaks the truth. Take care my friend, Linda
rlcowboy
06-14-2004, 03:36 PM
Hey be glad you still have someone that cares about you, I had a forty five thousand dollar a year job and got hurt at work a little over a year ago. I am 33 yr. old male with a beutiful wife and two little girls, 10 and 3. Well during the last year I have had 4 back surgerys and the last time I was in the hospital two months. Well the fourth day out of the hospital my wife told me she was filling for divorce and she was moving out og our apartment. Well 5 days later they left and took all the furniture but a couch and tv, and they left me a box of cereal and a bowl and a spoon. I stayed in the apartment for 3 more weeks untill the lease ran out, and I had no money so I had to move out too. Finally my Dad came down and got me, he lives three hours away and I just stay here now. I was so depressed that more than one night I thought about ending it all but I keep praying. All I know is that I am in pain 24/7 and I have nothing left of my life at all. So Shore, sounds like I'm about two months ahead of you but your story sounds exactly like mine, even the apartment thing.I wish I could give some advice but I think I still need it myself because I dont know what to do? So whoever started this thread please be glad you have someone because without any notice at all your life can be alot different and it sucks real bad!!!
twisten
06-14-2004, 05:05 PM
Fiona, I have the same issues with my hubby. When he asks me how I'm feeling, I wonder if he really means it or is he just being sarcastic?? All in all he is great. He comes to all my doc appointments and to the hospital with me for tests. I think maybe because we feel guilty that that is why we take things the way we do, at least I think that is why I do. Shore along with everyone else who has been her awhile I also knew your homelife wasn't great but didn't realize how bad it was. Your wife doesn't deserve a wonderful soul such as yourself. I'm also a firm believer in what goes around comes around so she will get what she deserves!! I wonder if you married my cousin!! She sounds just like your wife. My husband used to work for her husband years ago and I remember one Christmas he didn't have the money to pay the staff's wages but his wife went out and spent at least $10,000. on their kid's Xmas gifts. At that time I was healthy and was working so at least our kids had some presents under the tree that year but I know some of the other families that worked for him had nothing. Thankfully, my husband found another job after that but the company he had worked for went bankrupt. And guess what, do you think she stayed and tried to help her husband and kids out?? Not a chance she went looking for someone else to support her the way she liked. I'm ashamed to admit I'm related to someone like her. Anyway didn't mean to write a book here. Just wanted to let you know how much you mean to all of us on the boards.
Cowboy, so sorry to hear what your wife is doing to you and your girls. Its so unfair that some people can be so selfish and think only of themselves and not how much their actions will hurt others. I'm happy you at least have your dad and his wife who care a great deal about you, and you have all of us on the board here who also care about you. I hope things will improve soon for you and you will not be so sad.
Cowboy, so sorry to hear what your wife is doing to you and your girls. Its so unfair that some people can be so selfish and think only of themselves and not how much their actions will hurt others. I'm happy you at least have your dad and his wife who care a great deal about you, and you have all of us on the board here who also care about you. I hope things will improve soon for you and you will not be so sad.
it never ends
06-14-2004, 11:40 PM
Hey Shore, too bad you are on the east coast. We could get a place together, and call it the Pain Palace! (I'm near San Francisco.)
Fiona_Jo_324
06-15-2004, 02:14 AM
Reading back over this thread does put it back in perspective. That I should be grateful that my husband is still with me and our children 100%; he is completely dedicated to us. I think my frustration comes from those moments when I look at him and he actually looks sad or disapointed .. I'm really not sure. It just helps to know I have such a wonderful group of individuals to come to and vent. My parents are here for me 100%; but sometimes I just feel like I'm venting too much on them. My dad who has been 100% healthy all my life found out a couple of months ago that he was terribly anemic. Well, I just found out from my mother he spent the day at the hospital a week ago having a colon study and they found polyps that have been sent in for biopsy. I've cried all day; they didn't want to tell me because they didn't want to worry me! How horrible that makes me feel. I could sense something was wrong in my mom's voice. Anyway, please just keep my father in your thoughts.
Jo
Jo
healthseeker
06-15-2004, 02:39 AM
I completely understand!!! My husband has had to carry the entire load at certain times of our 10 year relationship. He has seen the pain it has caused in me when others have said that I am "always sick" and has learned not to go down that road. It is depressing to feel bad, but much more depressing to feel blamed for it. Even so, I can sense times when he is frustrated - and rightly so - it is only human. I also think that they may miss the other "you" - the one that feels better. There are 2 things that I really believe has made a big difference in our relationship during these trying times. One, I let him know how much I appreciate his picking up my slack and being understanding. Two, a sense of humor!!! That can get you through most anything. Take care of yourself and the ones helping to take care of you!!! And don't listen to judgement that will only get you down!!!!!!
scotty12
06-15-2004, 11:41 AM
I think eventually there is going to be some resentment in any relationship after a while. truth is,after living in pain for an extended period of time we are not the same person who our spouses married.
in my case,once recieving proper meds,i became much more capable of being an active member of my family.i do all the cooking in my house(my wife cant cook)even on a really bad day i still may cook and not sit down to eat with my family.
my wife has told me that if things were reversed i would have left her by now
which is not true.i always take time to cook and play with my kids after work.
after which im exhausted.its a fine line between being there for my family and overdoing it.
im sure its very frustrating for the other to hear we are in pain constantly but its very frustrating for us to be in pain.i think if the relationship is solid to begin with it will hold up in the long run but who knows.......scotty
in my case,once recieving proper meds,i became much more capable of being an active member of my family.i do all the cooking in my house(my wife cant cook)even on a really bad day i still may cook and not sit down to eat with my family.
my wife has told me that if things were reversed i would have left her by now
which is not true.i always take time to cook and play with my kids after work.
after which im exhausted.its a fine line between being there for my family and overdoing it.
im sure its very frustrating for the other to hear we are in pain constantly but its very frustrating for us to be in pain.i think if the relationship is solid to begin with it will hold up in the long run but who knows.......scotty
marich101
06-15-2004, 10:17 PM
These people need to trade places with us for awhile NAH probably wouldn't help they sound too self centered to let it affect them. People never cease to amaze me everytime I hear one of these stories I think I 've heard it all. But there are still have alot of self-absorbed people out there I haven't heard from. And I'm referrring to the indifferent ones........not the "at least try to understand." Mine is generally OK but there are times...........Oh well
Later you guys
Later you guys
Shoreline
06-16-2004, 12:25 PM
Hi Fiona, I just wanted to apologize for inserting my problems into your post and request for help with your particular problem. I know we all have to deal with how our condition effects personal relationships, But I should have started a new thread as not to draw attn away from your situation. This may have been the first time you got the courage to speak your mind and rather than offering support or suggestions, I turned it into a group grip or pitty party.LOL It is something we can all understand and relate to. I think we all think our spouse deserves the person the married and life just isn't fair sometimes.
I had seen a comercial for a lawer where a lady was talking about how her award allowed her to retire and covered all her expenses. It makes you wonder why some people will never have to struggle about the finances or illness but in reality, there isn't a dollar amount that would change my life. We have to be able to find happines in ourselves. It's not our spouses job to make us happy. Money doesn't make you happy, It just removes one part of a complicated equation.
Mourning the loss of our formal life or abilities is something that is never completed. You can go through the anger stage, the depression, the resentment, the why me and the relationship problems and think you have it all worked out and a wave of anger or resentment or depression can come sweeping back over you.
Please don't be afraid to start another post and I'll try to keep the focus on the post rather than my own situation. I do hope you and your husband can come to an understanding without resentment on both parts.
I do thank everone for their kind words and these words should be taken by everyone struggling with the same problem. Hopefully knowing your not alone did bring some peace of mind and understanding as to your husbands actions or response. People ask all the time how I'm doing, My answer now is "about as good as it will get." People ask out of curiosity or careing but nobody wants to hear , My lumbago is flaired , my prostate is the size of orange, I have post nasal drip and hurt all the time, and my fusion is still failed. LOL
A simple, status quo and a thanks for asking will suffice in most cases, Unless He's asking for a reason, Like would you be up to going out to a movie or dinner or some other specific reason, then you do have to be honest and say no I can't sit through a 2 hour movie or whatever the answer actually is..
Take care, Dave ;)
I had seen a comercial for a lawer where a lady was talking about how her award allowed her to retire and covered all her expenses. It makes you wonder why some people will never have to struggle about the finances or illness but in reality, there isn't a dollar amount that would change my life. We have to be able to find happines in ourselves. It's not our spouses job to make us happy. Money doesn't make you happy, It just removes one part of a complicated equation.
Mourning the loss of our formal life or abilities is something that is never completed. You can go through the anger stage, the depression, the resentment, the why me and the relationship problems and think you have it all worked out and a wave of anger or resentment or depression can come sweeping back over you.
Please don't be afraid to start another post and I'll try to keep the focus on the post rather than my own situation. I do hope you and your husband can come to an understanding without resentment on both parts.
I do thank everone for their kind words and these words should be taken by everyone struggling with the same problem. Hopefully knowing your not alone did bring some peace of mind and understanding as to your husbands actions or response. People ask all the time how I'm doing, My answer now is "about as good as it will get." People ask out of curiosity or careing but nobody wants to hear , My lumbago is flaired , my prostate is the size of orange, I have post nasal drip and hurt all the time, and my fusion is still failed. LOL
A simple, status quo and a thanks for asking will suffice in most cases, Unless He's asking for a reason, Like would you be up to going out to a movie or dinner or some other specific reason, then you do have to be honest and say no I can't sit through a 2 hour movie or whatever the answer actually is..
Take care, Dave ;)
sgibson
06-16-2004, 02:49 PM
Jo,
I just wanted to applaud you for bringing up a subject we are all dealing with and perhaps none of us wanted to bring it up. I think the people on this board have developed a closeness that rivals any of the other boards and I think now that this subject has been brought up we have all become a little closer. We all know what it's like to deal with chronic pain and we all understood that about each other. Now we realize that the more intimate issues are shared as well. I hope this new found information will help us all when we are reading and answering posts. Sometimes our bad days go way beyond not being able to get out of bed in the mornings. Sometimes we say things we don't quite mean to sound as abrupt as it does or maybe we do mean to sound that way, we can all understand that sometimes we are so fed up we just want to strike out at someone or something and it's so much easier to strike out at those we are the closest to.
Ok, getting down off my soap box now. :) I had physical therapy yesterday just heat and massage, but it took me 3 hours to get out of the bed this morning. I didn't go to bed until 4am. So I'm having one of those days when I need to know there are other people out there going through the same thing I am. No one around here seems to understand or even wants to try to understand. I was just trying to say I don't know what I would do without this board. You people are all wonderful. It's too bad our spouses can't be as understanding.
Shore,
I agree with you about our spouses just wanting the person they married. I do feel guilty that I am no longer the woman he married. I also miss the camping trips, the hiking trips, hell any of the trips. My husband still takes the children to do things and I am extremely grateful for this. They should not have to suffer because of me. There are times I think he would be so much better off if he left and found someone who could actually share in his life. Then I hear your story and I realize how stupid I have been. I have done things to try to push him away. I thought it was for his own good so to speak. I guess I've just been too stupid to realize he has made his choice and his choice includes staying right here and you know what, if the situation were reversed, I would do the exact same thing. I would support him through it all. Of course, there will be days when we are frustrated, but we have those days in a "normal marriage". This is going to sound stupid Dave, but I feel sorry for you and I envy you all at the same time. I hope you understand what I mean. I think you will.
I to am sorry for posting my problems on your thread Jo. I just thought sharing my experiences would help you to not feel like you were suffering this alone. I now realize that perhaps we did turn this into a pity party instead of trying to support you in your feelings. I am truly sorry for this. I do understand how you feel and if you want to talk about it I will "listen" this time instead of announcing my own problems.
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
I just wanted to applaud you for bringing up a subject we are all dealing with and perhaps none of us wanted to bring it up. I think the people on this board have developed a closeness that rivals any of the other boards and I think now that this subject has been brought up we have all become a little closer. We all know what it's like to deal with chronic pain and we all understood that about each other. Now we realize that the more intimate issues are shared as well. I hope this new found information will help us all when we are reading and answering posts. Sometimes our bad days go way beyond not being able to get out of bed in the mornings. Sometimes we say things we don't quite mean to sound as abrupt as it does or maybe we do mean to sound that way, we can all understand that sometimes we are so fed up we just want to strike out at someone or something and it's so much easier to strike out at those we are the closest to.
Ok, getting down off my soap box now. :) I had physical therapy yesterday just heat and massage, but it took me 3 hours to get out of the bed this morning. I didn't go to bed until 4am. So I'm having one of those days when I need to know there are other people out there going through the same thing I am. No one around here seems to understand or even wants to try to understand. I was just trying to say I don't know what I would do without this board. You people are all wonderful. It's too bad our spouses can't be as understanding.
Shore,
I agree with you about our spouses just wanting the person they married. I do feel guilty that I am no longer the woman he married. I also miss the camping trips, the hiking trips, hell any of the trips. My husband still takes the children to do things and I am extremely grateful for this. They should not have to suffer because of me. There are times I think he would be so much better off if he left and found someone who could actually share in his life. Then I hear your story and I realize how stupid I have been. I have done things to try to push him away. I thought it was for his own good so to speak. I guess I've just been too stupid to realize he has made his choice and his choice includes staying right here and you know what, if the situation were reversed, I would do the exact same thing. I would support him through it all. Of course, there will be days when we are frustrated, but we have those days in a "normal marriage". This is going to sound stupid Dave, but I feel sorry for you and I envy you all at the same time. I hope you understand what I mean. I think you will.
I to am sorry for posting my problems on your thread Jo. I just thought sharing my experiences would help you to not feel like you were suffering this alone. I now realize that perhaps we did turn this into a pity party instead of trying to support you in your feelings. I am truly sorry for this. I do understand how you feel and if you want to talk about it I will "listen" this time instead of announcing my own problems.
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
Fiona_Jo_324
06-16-2004, 06:00 PM
Dave:
There is absolutely no need to apologize, I appreciate your honesty. I am just so sorry about what you are going through with your wife. I know no one can completely understand what another is going through; but I can certainly relate. There was a point in our marriage where my husband left our home (this was after I was first diagnosed with lupus), because our home had become "too depressing". I was devastated and couldn't believe this was the man I married. Needless to say he did come back; but it took a lot of marriage/family counseling to regain the trust.
Sherry:
I always enjoy reading your posts! So, please don't apologize. Even when I was just "lurking" and not posting I felt we had a lot in common with our family situation and the impact of chronic pain. You have all helped me so much. One thing about this forum is that I enjoy everyone's honesty and the way no one holds back ... sometimes I feel like the people in my life are "walking on eggshells" with me. I was so upset when I found out my parents weren't telling me about my father's health; nothing bothers me more than when I feel like my family members are holding information back from me. I have to practically force my husband to be honest with me because sometimes he just gets so withdrawn and I know from experience that is when he needs to talk most.
Again, I appreciate both of you and this forum so much. I have learned so much! :angel:
Jo
There is absolutely no need to apologize, I appreciate your honesty. I am just so sorry about what you are going through with your wife. I know no one can completely understand what another is going through; but I can certainly relate. There was a point in our marriage where my husband left our home (this was after I was first diagnosed with lupus), because our home had become "too depressing". I was devastated and couldn't believe this was the man I married. Needless to say he did come back; but it took a lot of marriage/family counseling to regain the trust.
Sherry:
I always enjoy reading your posts! So, please don't apologize. Even when I was just "lurking" and not posting I felt we had a lot in common with our family situation and the impact of chronic pain. You have all helped me so much. One thing about this forum is that I enjoy everyone's honesty and the way no one holds back ... sometimes I feel like the people in my life are "walking on eggshells" with me. I was so upset when I found out my parents weren't telling me about my father's health; nothing bothers me more than when I feel like my family members are holding information back from me. I have to practically force my husband to be honest with me because sometimes he just gets so withdrawn and I know from experience that is when he needs to talk most.
Again, I appreciate both of you and this forum so much. I have learned so much! :angel:
Jo
Jenetti
06-16-2004, 10:17 PM
Hi everyone,
I also feel guilty for not being the person my sweet hubby married almost 31 yrs ago. Theres no way i can ever be that person again. I have fibro plus degenerative disc disease, plus ostoponie and anemia that is pretty bad enough to having docs wanting to give me a transfusion.
I just had surgery a month ago, developed an infection on one of the incision sites, that required doc slicing it open and having it drained, having nurses come to my house for weeks packing it. Then he had to do it. We're still waiting on the incision to close. Since Thanksgiving it has been one long hard road. I have had fibro for over 20 yrs, but with the IBS acting up since thanksgiving it has been hard on the whole family. Thats why i had surgery, exploratorive plus removing adhesions in the area. Please forgive me if i mispell words or dont make much sense right now, lol im on pain pills galore.
Hubby has been great and always there for me. But i feel extremely guilty and bad for him. This illness will only continue getting worse, there is no cure and i wont get better. I also hate having to say im hurting when he asks how im feeling so we've developed the hospital system for use at home now. You know the what number/level of pain are you having from 1 - 10. So when he asks how im feeling i will tell him a 4 or an 8. He knows what that means and can guage as best as he can how im feeling since there is NO DAY that i live without pain. Just the severity and intensity of it is what changes so he knows i hurt everyday. If i say a 4 he might suggest we take in a movie , lunch or something, if i say a 7 or 8, he will make me some hot tea, try to make me feel the best that he can and not hover over me since i dont like people hovering over me. That way there is none of this, youre always hurting bit cause he knows i live in pain everday and it isnt going to go away.
I do feel sorry for him tho having gotten stuck with someone like me :(. But he says he'd marry me in an instant again even knowing the pain in the *** (his words lol) that i am/can be. Actually im very blessed to have him.
Jen
I also feel guilty for not being the person my sweet hubby married almost 31 yrs ago. Theres no way i can ever be that person again. I have fibro plus degenerative disc disease, plus ostoponie and anemia that is pretty bad enough to having docs wanting to give me a transfusion.
I just had surgery a month ago, developed an infection on one of the incision sites, that required doc slicing it open and having it drained, having nurses come to my house for weeks packing it. Then he had to do it. We're still waiting on the incision to close. Since Thanksgiving it has been one long hard road. I have had fibro for over 20 yrs, but with the IBS acting up since thanksgiving it has been hard on the whole family. Thats why i had surgery, exploratorive plus removing adhesions in the area. Please forgive me if i mispell words or dont make much sense right now, lol im on pain pills galore.
Hubby has been great and always there for me. But i feel extremely guilty and bad for him. This illness will only continue getting worse, there is no cure and i wont get better. I also hate having to say im hurting when he asks how im feeling so we've developed the hospital system for use at home now. You know the what number/level of pain are you having from 1 - 10. So when he asks how im feeling i will tell him a 4 or an 8. He knows what that means and can guage as best as he can how im feeling since there is NO DAY that i live without pain. Just the severity and intensity of it is what changes so he knows i hurt everyday. If i say a 4 he might suggest we take in a movie , lunch or something, if i say a 7 or 8, he will make me some hot tea, try to make me feel the best that he can and not hover over me since i dont like people hovering over me. That way there is none of this, youre always hurting bit cause he knows i live in pain everday and it isnt going to go away.
I do feel sorry for him tho having gotten stuck with someone like me :(. But he says he'd marry me in an instant again even knowing the pain in the *** (his words lol) that i am/can be. Actually im very blessed to have him.
Jen
marich101
06-16-2004, 10:59 PM
Jenetti, Yes you are a very lucky lady and stories like yours make my day a little brighter. But if I could pick your brain for a second it might help me some. I, as most all of us have multiple pain sources......I've had the intestinal blockages, more than my fair share of surgeries and adhesions with each one. So I'm probably just a tangle of webs on the inside just waiting to obstruct again, but they won't talk surgery until that happens and to be honest I don't push it real hard. I get disgusted sometimes and tell them I don't want to live in pain or take medication for the rest of my life then give it a couple of days and are more than glad to go the med route. I think if I could find a Dr who could tell me we could do surgery and all would be well I wouldn't hesitate(which is sort of stupid in itself) but they can't do that. Up until about 12 years ago whatever medical problems I had could be fixed with some pain but it went away. This started out every now and then and has become almost a constant companion. Bottom line I'd like for you to keep me in mind and keep me posted on your progress with this it really has my curiosity stirred
Thanks so much girl and I wish you the best and will keep you in my thoughts :)
Thanks so much girl and I wish you the best and will keep you in my thoughts :)
Fiona_Jo_324
06-17-2004, 02:43 AM
Jen-
Thanks for sharing your system! That is really neat. I completely understand what you are saying there are those days when I am functioning really well - pain is minimal and we can go to a movie go somewhere together with my family. Other days it is impossible and my family is really understanding of this. It is amazing how sweet and loving my children are. I am so sorry to hear you what you have gone through with your incision, I hope the infection is clearing up. I'm sure your husband feels very blessed to have you in his life. We all give in different ways. Sometimes people can be completely healthy and painfree and ignore the people they are supposed to cherish most through indifference. Before I got ill, I don't think I was as selfish as some people can be; but I was very self-absorbed and focused on my career. I have to say to a certain extent it has really grounded me and helped me to be a more empathetic wife, mother, daughter, and friend. Thanks again for sharing the system that you and your husband came up with -- it is great! :angel:
Jo :wave:
Thanks for sharing your system! That is really neat. I completely understand what you are saying there are those days when I am functioning really well - pain is minimal and we can go to a movie go somewhere together with my family. Other days it is impossible and my family is really understanding of this. It is amazing how sweet and loving my children are. I am so sorry to hear you what you have gone through with your incision, I hope the infection is clearing up. I'm sure your husband feels very blessed to have you in his life. We all give in different ways. Sometimes people can be completely healthy and painfree and ignore the people they are supposed to cherish most through indifference. Before I got ill, I don't think I was as selfish as some people can be; but I was very self-absorbed and focused on my career. I have to say to a certain extent it has really grounded me and helped me to be a more empathetic wife, mother, daughter, and friend. Thanks again for sharing the system that you and your husband came up with -- it is great! :angel:
Jo :wave:
Jenetti
06-17-2004, 11:14 AM
marich101,
Oh so sorry to hear youre having problems with adhesions on top of everything else. I completely understand . Thats how i was for many many many years. Was hoping SOMEBODY would just cut me open and take them out, then i would continue some meds or start a new regime of them and the pain would subside enough to be tolerable.
THen around thanksgiving the pain came, and stayed, got worse, they thought diverticulitis at first. Cipro and other stuff didnt work. Dec 29 i was admitted, for pain control. After that, another hospital stay in mar (i think ,) becomes a blur, lol this time 5 days. that set into motion hundreds of tests. Released, and finally told theyd go in. I was so relieved because i coudlnt keep anything down and was hurting like i wanted to end it all. Know what i mean?
Flash forward , eh thru the incision infection and on, lol. There is a difference in the bowel function that i can tell. Im not as constipated as i always was. Thats because the bowel was becoming obstructed, then after all that cleansing for the tests would become unobstructed, for the time being only. They freed the bowel that was being twisted. They took out tons of adhesions, BUT THE ORIGINAL pain that i was going in for, is still there. Just not as severe, so as much as i prayed and hoped the surgery would clear it up, its still there. Thats why they increased the elavil up to 25 and next week should start 50mgs. That had controlled the adhesion pain many years ago, so we're HOPING it will again now that they took out many of the adhesions. Do i regret having the surgery even with the infection and the open wound i still have?? NO, not for one minute, because i can tell it cleared alot of the other pain. Im just sorry it didnt clear the main pain i was going for and am praying the pain can stay at this level and not go much higher. IM still on my pain pills and soma for the fibro so that helps that pain some too. I'll keep you posted tho hon and im here if you need to talk more ok??
Jen
Oh so sorry to hear youre having problems with adhesions on top of everything else. I completely understand . Thats how i was for many many many years. Was hoping SOMEBODY would just cut me open and take them out, then i would continue some meds or start a new regime of them and the pain would subside enough to be tolerable.
THen around thanksgiving the pain came, and stayed, got worse, they thought diverticulitis at first. Cipro and other stuff didnt work. Dec 29 i was admitted, for pain control. After that, another hospital stay in mar (i think ,) becomes a blur, lol this time 5 days. that set into motion hundreds of tests. Released, and finally told theyd go in. I was so relieved because i coudlnt keep anything down and was hurting like i wanted to end it all. Know what i mean?
Flash forward , eh thru the incision infection and on, lol. There is a difference in the bowel function that i can tell. Im not as constipated as i always was. Thats because the bowel was becoming obstructed, then after all that cleansing for the tests would become unobstructed, for the time being only. They freed the bowel that was being twisted. They took out tons of adhesions, BUT THE ORIGINAL pain that i was going in for, is still there. Just not as severe, so as much as i prayed and hoped the surgery would clear it up, its still there. Thats why they increased the elavil up to 25 and next week should start 50mgs. That had controlled the adhesion pain many years ago, so we're HOPING it will again now that they took out many of the adhesions. Do i regret having the surgery even with the infection and the open wound i still have?? NO, not for one minute, because i can tell it cleared alot of the other pain. Im just sorry it didnt clear the main pain i was going for and am praying the pain can stay at this level and not go much higher. IM still on my pain pills and soma for the fibro so that helps that pain some too. I'll keep you posted tho hon and im here if you need to talk more ok??
Jen
Jenetti
06-17-2004, 11:30 AM
Hey Fiona,
Hi sweetie,
Hope you are having a good day today hon. Ive been sick or in pain for such a long time, i dont know what it feels like to be normal LOL. My poor hubby has endured soooo much right along with me.
The system we use is one the doc gave us a long time ago and one that is used in the hospitals around here. Everything they do, every shot they give you, every tablet they ask for your level of pain. So we've gotten pretty good at using it ourselves and understanding it. Otherwise i woulda killed hubby or hubby woulda killed me by now. LOL, just teasing. There are days when if i say 8, ohhh they know NOT to bother me and to leave me alone till i get thru it, i dont like people hovering over me asking me every 5 mins if i need something,(which is sweet) but when im at 8 or 9 im usually trying self hypnosis or meditating and it takes all my strenght to just do that and handle the pain. So they all know and it works well for us.
I understand about getting grounded. To me, nothing is more important than family. Sure i wish i had GOOD health and all, but i think im more compassionate and more understanding to peoples problems because i live in pain every single day of my life.
How many children do you have?? i have only one son who will turn 28 this oct. He lives about 3 hours away from us.
Jen
Hi sweetie,
Hope you are having a good day today hon. Ive been sick or in pain for such a long time, i dont know what it feels like to be normal LOL. My poor hubby has endured soooo much right along with me.
The system we use is one the doc gave us a long time ago and one that is used in the hospitals around here. Everything they do, every shot they give you, every tablet they ask for your level of pain. So we've gotten pretty good at using it ourselves and understanding it. Otherwise i woulda killed hubby or hubby woulda killed me by now. LOL, just teasing. There are days when if i say 8, ohhh they know NOT to bother me and to leave me alone till i get thru it, i dont like people hovering over me asking me every 5 mins if i need something,(which is sweet) but when im at 8 or 9 im usually trying self hypnosis or meditating and it takes all my strenght to just do that and handle the pain. So they all know and it works well for us.
I understand about getting grounded. To me, nothing is more important than family. Sure i wish i had GOOD health and all, but i think im more compassionate and more understanding to peoples problems because i live in pain every single day of my life.
How many children do you have?? i have only one son who will turn 28 this oct. He lives about 3 hours away from us.
Jen
Fiona_Jo_324
06-17-2004, 02:13 PM
Jen-
I have three children. My twins were a complete surprise. My husband and I had thought we'd only have one child and then I found out I was pregnant and we thought -- well two kids will be fine. Then when I had an OB appointment (I actually was worried something was wrong), my OB did a ultrasound just kept staring at the ultrasound and brought another Doctor in and my Doc said ... So, do twins run in your family? We were completely floored! But, it didn't take long to become very excited and happy about it. I have two handsome sons and one beautiful daughter. Our twins are fraternal -- brother and sister. Unfornately, as I have posted I got really sick during the pregnancy (a lot of edema, some kidney problems and early contractions), so I was on complete bed-rest from the sixth month of the pregnancy. My first grounding experience! I hadn't taken a sick day since I had started my job (other than maternity leave when I had my older son) -- and then all of sudden I wasn't even permitted to get out of bed. My health never bounced back after the pregnancy and suddenly I had problems I never had before; extreme exhaustion, joint pain, constant fevers, migraines. Eventually my kidneys started to fail (Lupus Nephritis) and I was put in the hospital for two weeks. It actually took them three years after I gave to birth to my twins to figure out I had lupus and EDS. (It took the kidney involvement to finally connect the dots.) Initially I was just told the pain, fevers, headaches were all in my head and also that I had postpartum depression. It was a very difficult time. But, for the most part we've adjusted well; I think the challenging part has been it seems like one health problem would get under control and then I'd be dealing something new -- like the situation with my back. All of this has been challenging for us finincially; (since I was the primary "bread winner" for so many years). My husband was virtually the "stay at home" parent for many years and when I started having health problems he went back to work full-time.
Jo :wave:
I have three children. My twins were a complete surprise. My husband and I had thought we'd only have one child and then I found out I was pregnant and we thought -- well two kids will be fine. Then when I had an OB appointment (I actually was worried something was wrong), my OB did a ultrasound just kept staring at the ultrasound and brought another Doctor in and my Doc said ... So, do twins run in your family? We were completely floored! But, it didn't take long to become very excited and happy about it. I have two handsome sons and one beautiful daughter. Our twins are fraternal -- brother and sister. Unfornately, as I have posted I got really sick during the pregnancy (a lot of edema, some kidney problems and early contractions), so I was on complete bed-rest from the sixth month of the pregnancy. My first grounding experience! I hadn't taken a sick day since I had started my job (other than maternity leave when I had my older son) -- and then all of sudden I wasn't even permitted to get out of bed. My health never bounced back after the pregnancy and suddenly I had problems I never had before; extreme exhaustion, joint pain, constant fevers, migraines. Eventually my kidneys started to fail (Lupus Nephritis) and I was put in the hospital for two weeks. It actually took them three years after I gave to birth to my twins to figure out I had lupus and EDS. (It took the kidney involvement to finally connect the dots.) Initially I was just told the pain, fevers, headaches were all in my head and also that I had postpartum depression. It was a very difficult time. But, for the most part we've adjusted well; I think the challenging part has been it seems like one health problem would get under control and then I'd be dealing something new -- like the situation with my back. All of this has been challenging for us finincially; (since I was the primary "bread winner" for so many years). My husband was virtually the "stay at home" parent for many years and when I started having health problems he went back to work full-time.
Jo :wave:
Jenetti
06-17-2004, 05:47 PM
oh wow fiona ,
that must have been quite a shock, twins. LOL. Two boys and a girl, that is absolutely wonderful. I always wanted a girl, but unfortunately, took 3 yrs of trying for me to get pregnant, then after that i was told i never would be able to again. Later i did but miscarry. So only have the one son, who Lord knows WHY HE gives you the amount He does lol. This kid was super hyper. I remember in elementary they wanted to put him on ritalin but i refused. We tried other ways to channel his hyperactivity. He's still hyper now tho. He gets up at 5 am, prays then goes off to exercise, showers, goes to work, and im talking he juggles several things at one time, has time to be media minister at his church. Has a talk show on sat mornings on tv, is assistant casting director for an agency he's trying to buy and the list goes on and on and on. He is hyper. So we really would NOT have been able to handle more than one lol.
WOW hon, youve had alot of health problems, we have that in common. I feel sorry for hubby too. Usually when ONE THING starts clearing up or has finally been identified and its being taken care of, something else comes up. You have lupus, i have fibromyalgia and ive heard that both are almost the same with the exception that lupus is so more worse than fibro. Im sorry you have to go thru that sweetie.
I know what you mean about cost. OH WOW. Since thanksgiving, my hubby has paid thousands of dollars and im talking about he's got good insurance, he works as an electronic tech for the postal service so theyve got good benefits. Except that with all the hospitalizations ive had within the last 6 months (3) plus the surgery and ALL THE TESTS, oh my gosh, the tests, every kind of test. Well we still have to pay 20 percent of everything so it has added up. Ive had colonoscopies, cat scans , mris, 2 different anestiologists, two surgeons, plus seen at the hospital 7 - 8 doctors who were specialist and came in to see me while i was hospitalized and each one ordered tests. Then of course each ONE charges you for the visits plus on and on. IT has added up. Plus all the meds that i take daily and have a co pay for those. I dont work anymore, havent in a good while because of my health, so poor hubby is having to take care of me PLUS pay all the bills. But he doesnt complain. Hes a sweetie. I honestly dont know what id do without him.
Catch you later sweetie
Jen
that must have been quite a shock, twins. LOL. Two boys and a girl, that is absolutely wonderful. I always wanted a girl, but unfortunately, took 3 yrs of trying for me to get pregnant, then after that i was told i never would be able to again. Later i did but miscarry. So only have the one son, who Lord knows WHY HE gives you the amount He does lol. This kid was super hyper. I remember in elementary they wanted to put him on ritalin but i refused. We tried other ways to channel his hyperactivity. He's still hyper now tho. He gets up at 5 am, prays then goes off to exercise, showers, goes to work, and im talking he juggles several things at one time, has time to be media minister at his church. Has a talk show on sat mornings on tv, is assistant casting director for an agency he's trying to buy and the list goes on and on and on. He is hyper. So we really would NOT have been able to handle more than one lol.
WOW hon, youve had alot of health problems, we have that in common. I feel sorry for hubby too. Usually when ONE THING starts clearing up or has finally been identified and its being taken care of, something else comes up. You have lupus, i have fibromyalgia and ive heard that both are almost the same with the exception that lupus is so more worse than fibro. Im sorry you have to go thru that sweetie.
I know what you mean about cost. OH WOW. Since thanksgiving, my hubby has paid thousands of dollars and im talking about he's got good insurance, he works as an electronic tech for the postal service so theyve got good benefits. Except that with all the hospitalizations ive had within the last 6 months (3) plus the surgery and ALL THE TESTS, oh my gosh, the tests, every kind of test. Well we still have to pay 20 percent of everything so it has added up. Ive had colonoscopies, cat scans , mris, 2 different anestiologists, two surgeons, plus seen at the hospital 7 - 8 doctors who were specialist and came in to see me while i was hospitalized and each one ordered tests. Then of course each ONE charges you for the visits plus on and on. IT has added up. Plus all the meds that i take daily and have a co pay for those. I dont work anymore, havent in a good while because of my health, so poor hubby is having to take care of me PLUS pay all the bills. But he doesnt complain. Hes a sweetie. I honestly dont know what id do without him.
Catch you later sweetie
Jen
sgibson
06-17-2004, 10:47 PM
Hi Jenetti and Marich,
I too suffer from adhesions. I had an intestinal blockage in Dec. 02 that almost killed me. It's a long story but hubby called 911 and by the time they got me in the ambulance they couldn't even get a BP or anything. They rushed me to MCV. That's when I found out I had adhesions from multiple abdominal surgeries. 3 c-sections, gall bladder removal, and now the scar from my breastbone to my public bone for the adhesions. I have had other things with my digestive track too, I have lost 90 percent of my stomach and only have a small portion of my small intestine left. The thing about adhesions is they don't like to operate unless you are going to die. They told me the reason is you will just develop more adhesions where they go in to operate. They told me its not a question of if I will have another intestinal blockage due to adhesions, its just a question of when. I know what it feels like now though and I definitely won't wait until I am almost dead to get myself to a hospital. The problem is I don't have much intestines left. Yes I have all of my large intestines, but the small intestine is where absorbtion occurs and if I lose any more, I'm literally up chit creek. I only have about 12 inches of small intestine left. I hope if I have any more adhesions, they will wrap around the large intestine this time. I'm already fighting to maintain a weight of 90 to 95 pounds. They have discussed the arterial line for nutrients, but as long as I keep my weight at least at 90, they won't force me to have it. Once it falls below that, I won't have much of a choice. Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that I definitely know what you are dealing with when it comes to adhesions and blockages.
Jenetti,
I think your system is wonderful. I think I will discuss using this system with my husband if you don't mind my borrowing it. :) It's such a wonderful idea. I'm so glad you posted it. Wonder if it would work with my kids? LOL
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
I too suffer from adhesions. I had an intestinal blockage in Dec. 02 that almost killed me. It's a long story but hubby called 911 and by the time they got me in the ambulance they couldn't even get a BP or anything. They rushed me to MCV. That's when I found out I had adhesions from multiple abdominal surgeries. 3 c-sections, gall bladder removal, and now the scar from my breastbone to my public bone for the adhesions. I have had other things with my digestive track too, I have lost 90 percent of my stomach and only have a small portion of my small intestine left. The thing about adhesions is they don't like to operate unless you are going to die. They told me the reason is you will just develop more adhesions where they go in to operate. They told me its not a question of if I will have another intestinal blockage due to adhesions, its just a question of when. I know what it feels like now though and I definitely won't wait until I am almost dead to get myself to a hospital. The problem is I don't have much intestines left. Yes I have all of my large intestines, but the small intestine is where absorbtion occurs and if I lose any more, I'm literally up chit creek. I only have about 12 inches of small intestine left. I hope if I have any more adhesions, they will wrap around the large intestine this time. I'm already fighting to maintain a weight of 90 to 95 pounds. They have discussed the arterial line for nutrients, but as long as I keep my weight at least at 90, they won't force me to have it. Once it falls below that, I won't have much of a choice. Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know that I definitely know what you are dealing with when it comes to adhesions and blockages.
Jenetti,
I think your system is wonderful. I think I will discuss using this system with my husband if you don't mind my borrowing it. :) It's such a wonderful idea. I'm so glad you posted it. Wonder if it would work with my kids? LOL
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
Jenetti
06-17-2004, 11:05 PM
Oh my goodness Sherry. You HAVE had them bad havent you hon. It is one of the most painful things one can have. Some doctors STILL dont believe that adhesions hurt. In fact like i said i saw around 6 - 8 diff docs and i think it was divided. Half thought or believed that YES adhesions Do cause pain in themselves. The other half kept insisting that no, they only caused pain when it caused an obstruction, therefore the pain would come FROM the obstruction and not the adhesion. Sorry i know adhesions HURT like hell even tho theyre NOT twisting your bowels. Sometimes theyre just pulling on your organs, and pulling them out of their normal place. Dont ya think THEYD THINK that hurts????
Yes they told me also that the only way id have another surgery for adhesions would be ONLY when there is an obstruction and life threatening. They know it hurts like crazy, but insurances dont want to pay for the surgeries and docs dont wanna cut into you because its a never ending cycle. The surgery for it just causes more adhesions and sometimes they come back with a vengance.
As for the number rating system for pain i cant take credit for that. Out area hospital and docs use it, so we've become accostumed to using it ourselves for years now. PLEASE feel free to use it. Thats what this board is for, to help each other in different ways. Ive gotten some very good advice and ideas from people on these boards.
God bless ya sweetie
Love,
Jen
Yes they told me also that the only way id have another surgery for adhesions would be ONLY when there is an obstruction and life threatening. They know it hurts like crazy, but insurances dont want to pay for the surgeries and docs dont wanna cut into you because its a never ending cycle. The surgery for it just causes more adhesions and sometimes they come back with a vengance.
As for the number rating system for pain i cant take credit for that. Out area hospital and docs use it, so we've become accostumed to using it ourselves for years now. PLEASE feel free to use it. Thats what this board is for, to help each other in different ways. Ive gotten some very good advice and ideas from people on these boards.
God bless ya sweetie
Love,
Jen
sgibson
06-18-2004, 12:05 AM
Thanks Jenetti,
You're so right about some docs not believing that adhesions hurt. It makes you wish they could feel it just for one day. You know, when they first told me what was going on and that it was going to happen again, I let it control my life. I thought about it every day, all day. I let is scare the crap out of me. I was recovering from that obstruction and the pain was still so fresh in my mind as well as the fact that I was at deaths door and my children had witnessed it all. I was scared it was going to happen again in front of them. They were so scared. It was a horrible way to live. I finally had to decide that I wasn't going to let it take what life I had left from me. It was like a death sentence hanging over my head. The doctors had all told me it was a miracle I didn't die. Of course it was. My mom had to come from 30 miles away at 2 in the morning to sit with my children. Well she called the prayer warriors in our church and she and my children also began praying. I decided that God brought me through that and He wasn't ready to bring me home yet. It took several months for me to come to this realization. I rarely ever think about it now. Sure when I get bloating and bad gas, I think about it. (Sorry to be so crude, but it's the truth) So far, things usually start moving within an hour or so. I will say for anyone who has the possibility of intestinal blockages, DO NOT wait too long to get yourself to the ER. I waited entirely too long. Had I gone sooner, I may have more of my digestive system left right now, but hindsight is 20/20. I have been through a lot of different pain in my life but that by far was the most intense pain I have ever experienced. Another thing, my docs told me to never take anything like Immodium for diahrea. I'm just supposed to let it run its course. Keeping a well moving system is half the battle and the opiates I take for my back trouble can sometimes cause constipation. Isn't life grand? :) Actually, with all the problems I have, I can say that life is grand. I have 3 beautiful miracle children and God has blessed me and brought me through so much in my short life. Doctors have been dumbfounded more than once because I didn't die. When I had the DVT from my abdomen to my ankle, they said I would die.... then they said, well she will lose the leg..... then they said, well she will never walk again.... well God said.... get up and prove them wrong. They cannot understand it. The major vein in my right leg is still blocked. I grew vessels to carry the blood. I have minimal pain in that leg compared to my back pain. It still swells and it is larger than the left leg, but it is not what they said it would be. MCV actually used me for a paper of some sort because of my DVT and the Adhesions and everything else. I had to sign permission for them to do it. It was kind of neat being a medical miracle. LOL. To me, it's one of God's miracles. Well, I have written a book here. Sorry. I just like to let people know I give the credit to Him. Take care and I look forward to talking with you more.
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
You're so right about some docs not believing that adhesions hurt. It makes you wish they could feel it just for one day. You know, when they first told me what was going on and that it was going to happen again, I let it control my life. I thought about it every day, all day. I let is scare the crap out of me. I was recovering from that obstruction and the pain was still so fresh in my mind as well as the fact that I was at deaths door and my children had witnessed it all. I was scared it was going to happen again in front of them. They were so scared. It was a horrible way to live. I finally had to decide that I wasn't going to let it take what life I had left from me. It was like a death sentence hanging over my head. The doctors had all told me it was a miracle I didn't die. Of course it was. My mom had to come from 30 miles away at 2 in the morning to sit with my children. Well she called the prayer warriors in our church and she and my children also began praying. I decided that God brought me through that and He wasn't ready to bring me home yet. It took several months for me to come to this realization. I rarely ever think about it now. Sure when I get bloating and bad gas, I think about it. (Sorry to be so crude, but it's the truth) So far, things usually start moving within an hour or so. I will say for anyone who has the possibility of intestinal blockages, DO NOT wait too long to get yourself to the ER. I waited entirely too long. Had I gone sooner, I may have more of my digestive system left right now, but hindsight is 20/20. I have been through a lot of different pain in my life but that by far was the most intense pain I have ever experienced. Another thing, my docs told me to never take anything like Immodium for diahrea. I'm just supposed to let it run its course. Keeping a well moving system is half the battle and the opiates I take for my back trouble can sometimes cause constipation. Isn't life grand? :) Actually, with all the problems I have, I can say that life is grand. I have 3 beautiful miracle children and God has blessed me and brought me through so much in my short life. Doctors have been dumbfounded more than once because I didn't die. When I had the DVT from my abdomen to my ankle, they said I would die.... then they said, well she will lose the leg..... then they said, well she will never walk again.... well God said.... get up and prove them wrong. They cannot understand it. The major vein in my right leg is still blocked. I grew vessels to carry the blood. I have minimal pain in that leg compared to my back pain. It still swells and it is larger than the left leg, but it is not what they said it would be. MCV actually used me for a paper of some sort because of my DVT and the Adhesions and everything else. I had to sign permission for them to do it. It was kind of neat being a medical miracle. LOL. To me, it's one of God's miracles. Well, I have written a book here. Sorry. I just like to let people know I give the credit to Him. Take care and I look forward to talking with you more.
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
marich101
06-18-2004, 12:56 AM
Yeah well I'm sitting on the constant threat of the next obstruction and I lived in fear for along time then decided life was too short to worry about it as long as they keep me comfortable I generally do ok. But I'll see a Dr and he acts like he can work wonders then down the road I get well it's something you're going to have to live with.................. Excuse me I think there is somethig in the hippocritic (sp) oath about that but I could be wrong. And dadgumit these suckers DO hurt, mine is on my left side so they think there is a double whammy of sciatica along with adhesions then let the IBS get started and well you've been there you think all kinds of thoughts. I feel like a wimp complaining when I think it about the loss of so much of your digestive system, my problems don't even hold a light you are a brave soul and my thoughts go out to the both of you but to be honest when I'm wracked in pain and don't want to move for fear it will cause more pain,and don't want to leave the house cause I don't want to deal with people and God forbid someone stopping by on a bad day.......... OTAY I've whined enough think I'll go try to find some cheese..........little HAHA. Just got my attention when I saw that you had the surgery and was really curious as to how it did. I'll be buggin you again to check and see how you are doing . I hope you both have a good night .............My thoughts are with you both. ;)
sgibson
06-18-2004, 06:14 PM
Marich101,
Honey, complain all you want. Those suckers hurt. Adhesions and blockages are horrible. I know what you are suffering and I will be glad to lend an ear anytime you want to whine. :) This is one of those things that if you haven't been there then you don't understand it.
Sorry this is short, but I just got back from the lake with my kids. I took them to the lake today and now I am paying for it. We just got home. Thankfully a storm came up at the lake and we had to leave. :) The kids weren't too happy but at least they got in about 4 hours of swimming and I got some sun.
Take care,
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
Honey, complain all you want. Those suckers hurt. Adhesions and blockages are horrible. I know what you are suffering and I will be glad to lend an ear anytime you want to whine. :) This is one of those things that if you haven't been there then you don't understand it.
Sorry this is short, but I just got back from the lake with my kids. I took them to the lake today and now I am paying for it. We just got home. Thankfully a storm came up at the lake and we had to leave. :) The kids weren't too happy but at least they got in about 4 hours of swimming and I got some sun.
Take care,
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
karaokediva33
06-29-2004, 12:36 AM
I understand fully how you feel...My husband tolerates me always being sick and in pain. He will never understand what i go through. I have been to at least 50 doctor visits in the last year. It costs alot of money. My friends have gotten to the point where they roll their eyes when i say i am in pain.
I understand how someone who has never suffered couldn't possibly understand..It's just sad
I understand how someone who has never suffered couldn't possibly understand..It's just sad
madhatter
06-29-2004, 03:47 PM
Hi! I used to be your husband,a family member of mine has chronic pain,and i never newthe suverity of it,until now that i have joined the family of chronic pain! And how can they,there not reminded of it 24-7 like us. Has he ever been to the doc. with you?Sometimes it helps if the other person goes and has the doc. explain the situation so they can have better understanding.
sgibson
06-29-2004, 11:44 PM
Hi. My husband was at the hospital when I had my fusion. He has only been to one appointment with me and that was a couple weeks ago when the docs office set me up with the wrong PM doc. The silly nurse set me up with the diagnostic PM guy and not the maintenance PM guy. So, this was a big waste of time. My surgeon apologized profusely for the mix up. Bottom line, hubby has never been to the surgeon with me and doesn't care to go. I hate to say this but my husband isn't the most empathetic person in the world. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. When the kids and I have been hospitalized in the past, hubby wants people to feel sorry for him. It is aggravating but I do try to overlook it. It's the way he was raised. Those people don't care about anyone but themselves. My MIL has never once voiced any concern over me. However, on several occassions when I have been hospitalized she has commented that she feels so bad for my husband because I am sick and he has to come to the hospital and not get any rest. Hello?!?! When I am in the hospital he likes the attention he gets from the nursing staff. He's just not capable of caring that deeply about someone else. When our son had an emergency appendectomy back in the Fall of the year, my "dear" husband feel asleep while we were waiting for our son to come out of surgery. Mind you now that the surgeon told us right before he took him in that he thought his appendix had already ruptured and he thought our ten year old son was going to die. I was so angry with him for falling asleep. His answer... well I was tired. Sorry, can you tell I'm a little peeved at him tonight. He did something really stupid earlier tonight. He called himself joking around with me and was slinging his belt toward me. I was getting ready to try to sit down and that stupid belt caught me right across my hip where I had the bone harvested from. I already had a huge knot there, now I'm having really sharp shooting pains. Please don't get the wrong idea, he doesn't abuse me physically he just does stupid stuff like that sometimes and then gets the nerve to be angry with me! I've been married to this man for 15 years and I still don't understand him. I take that back, I do understand him, I just don't want to admit to myself that he is so callous.
Take care.
God Bless,
Sherry
Take care.
God Bless,
Sherry
Fiona_Jo_324
07-01-2004, 05:00 AM
Sherry,
I just wanted to say how much I completely understand what you are going through. I think there are times it's the indifference that drives me more crazy than anything else. I'm sure your husband loves you very much, but it sounds like his mother hasn't been the greatest example as far teaching "empathy and understanding". As I have said in the past my husband has picked up a lot of the "slack" around the house, but lately it is as though he is on his on self imposed strike. Part of me understands -- I'm sure it gets difficult for him, but I also get a bit frustrated. I'm lucky because my teenager is great and helps me so much -- but I don't want him "losing" his childhood to household chores. Unfortunately, the last couple of days have been rough .. my pain level is high and it gets to the point where I'm not sure if it is surgical or lupus related. I know the exhaustion and joint pain are lupus related, but yesterday I started experiencing a new pain that my surgeon feels is related to the bone graft. I could bearly walk yesterday and my father came over with dinner and couldn't believe how hard it was for me to walk. My husband basically has adopted the viewpoint -- you're in pain -- what's new?
Unfortunately, today during my husband's "nap" my daughter and another child had a collision on their bikes. Well, she was skinned up from head to toe and crying about her wrist. My daughter is one of those children that bounces back, she is very atheletic so I knew something had to be wrong or she would have just been right back out playing. Well, my husband got angry when I woke him up to take her to urgent care, so my son and I took her. Sure enough she broke her wrist and needed a cast! I know he felt bad when we got home with her new cast ... but it was just so upsetting that he wouldn't even go to urgent care with me (not so much for me, but for our child). How can someone not be empathetic to the pain a child is in? Is it because of me that he is becoming so numb to the pain of others?
I don't know, maybe it is just a bad day and I will be able to put it in perspective tomorrow. But, I just wanted to say I understand. Somedays I just feel so lonely.
Anyway, sorry for the depressing post. :(
Jo
I just wanted to say how much I completely understand what you are going through. I think there are times it's the indifference that drives me more crazy than anything else. I'm sure your husband loves you very much, but it sounds like his mother hasn't been the greatest example as far teaching "empathy and understanding". As I have said in the past my husband has picked up a lot of the "slack" around the house, but lately it is as though he is on his on self imposed strike. Part of me understands -- I'm sure it gets difficult for him, but I also get a bit frustrated. I'm lucky because my teenager is great and helps me so much -- but I don't want him "losing" his childhood to household chores. Unfortunately, the last couple of days have been rough .. my pain level is high and it gets to the point where I'm not sure if it is surgical or lupus related. I know the exhaustion and joint pain are lupus related, but yesterday I started experiencing a new pain that my surgeon feels is related to the bone graft. I could bearly walk yesterday and my father came over with dinner and couldn't believe how hard it was for me to walk. My husband basically has adopted the viewpoint -- you're in pain -- what's new?
Unfortunately, today during my husband's "nap" my daughter and another child had a collision on their bikes. Well, she was skinned up from head to toe and crying about her wrist. My daughter is one of those children that bounces back, she is very atheletic so I knew something had to be wrong or she would have just been right back out playing. Well, my husband got angry when I woke him up to take her to urgent care, so my son and I took her. Sure enough she broke her wrist and needed a cast! I know he felt bad when we got home with her new cast ... but it was just so upsetting that he wouldn't even go to urgent care with me (not so much for me, but for our child). How can someone not be empathetic to the pain a child is in? Is it because of me that he is becoming so numb to the pain of others?
I don't know, maybe it is just a bad day and I will be able to put it in perspective tomorrow. But, I just wanted to say I understand. Somedays I just feel so lonely.
Anyway, sorry for the depressing post. :(
Jo
pinecone
07-01-2004, 11:40 PM
:rolleyes:
just yesterday on the TV there was a report of research that had been done on why we Americans are in such a state.
selfishness was the reason...sounds like you have given legs to the report.
how sad to see such a wonderful Nation with so much down side of life
:confused:
just yesterday on the TV there was a report of research that had been done on why we Americans are in such a state.
selfishness was the reason...sounds like you have given legs to the report.
how sad to see such a wonderful Nation with so much down side of life
:confused:
Fiona_Jo_324
07-02-2004, 03:58 AM
And then on the flip side I see my son growing up to be such a sweet and empathetic young man (I do believe he will make a lucky young woman a wonderful husband someday - in the FAR off future!! But, I guess I am biased). ;) I certainly don't want to make my husband out to be a bad guy -- because believe me if you met him you would think he was completely charming and funny. It is just so weird how he kind of just shuts down with me. It isn't all the time, but it just seems to be more frequent lately. I have tried so hard NOT to focus on my pain and stay involved with my local community and children's schools, but there are times when I just want to scream and really need that empathetic ear! My parents are wonderful, but it would mean so much if my husband would at the least acknowledge that my pain is real and my frustration is valid. It is a very difficult situation. I guess I should feel so blessed to have such wonderfully sweet children and parents who love and support me. :angel:
Jo :wave:
Jo :wave:
sgibson
07-02-2004, 11:22 AM
You know, I say things on here because the anonymity is comforting. I don't have to worry that my hubby will somehow come across it (he never messes with the computers) and I get things off my chest here that I wouldn't say to him because it would only make things worse. I have been praying about this matter also. Yesterday I had physical therapy, which my husband drove me to, dropped me off and came back late. I had stood outside waiting for him for 30minutes. By the time I got in the SUV I was in tears from the pain. Well, on the way home, hubby tells me that he has decided to TAKE me to my next appointment with my surgeon! This is a breakthrough. He is finally taking an interest. It's not like he can't take off work. He is the boss. He runs a lumber company. He gets paid whether he is there or not. He says the problem is he has a bunch of children for employees and they have to be "monitored" constantly. I know he has a lot of responsibility at work and I have always understood that. I have always tried to be the "perfect trophy wife". He works very hard, and before I started having back trouble, he never had to deal with anything around the house. I worked full time, he would come home from work, his dinner would be ready, children would have homework finished, house was clean, and I handled all the "problems" with the children. I also took care of the finances. He brought home the money and I took care of all the bills. This is the way I was raised. A woman takes care of her husband. I take care of my appearance and he never had to worry about being "embarrassed" by me at a company function. I can't tell you how many hours I have set in a beautician chair getting upsweeps for parties. Well now I just need him to give me at least a tenth of the attention he gives his job. As far as work goes, any company that he works for couldn't ask for a better man. When the company he worked at for 16 years closed, the company he now works for heard that he was available and called him. No one can say my husband is not a hard worker. He tries his best to take care of his family. I think in his mind as long as he works hard and brings in a paycheck, then that proves to us that he loves us. But human nature dictates that we need more. We want to know they are concerned about our wellbeing. I have heard that woman marry men a lot like their fathers. It's the truth for me. My dad was always the same way, he provided everything we needed financially, but was emotionally unavailable. So what I'm trying to say is my husband is not all bad. He is a good man. He does try. He is selfish in some things. Honestly I think self centered is a better description.
Pinecone,
I wasn't exactly sure how to take your post. I don't want to make assumptions. I just thought I should explain a little more. As they say, there are always two sides to every story. In all fairness, I had to point out my husbands good points as well. It's just that I am in such bad health right now that I need something that perhaps he is not equipped to provide. I am glad that he has made a move in the right direction by offering to take me to my appointment.
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
Pinecone,
I wasn't exactly sure how to take your post. I don't want to make assumptions. I just thought I should explain a little more. As they say, there are always two sides to every story. In all fairness, I had to point out my husbands good points as well. It's just that I am in such bad health right now that I need something that perhaps he is not equipped to provide. I am glad that he has made a move in the right direction by offering to take me to my appointment.
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
Fiona_Jo_324
07-02-2004, 12:14 PM
I really don't want to sound like I'm saying poor me .. my life is so horrible. Because despite my health challenges I have had a good life. I just wish I could rid myself of some of this guilt. Before I got sick; I had a high powered job with a a very large salary. I feel like my husband resents that I'm no longer that person. Now, we are are struggling financially and having to refinance our home to get us to the point where our mounting bills are manageable. I feel bad because my children have really never "wanted" for anything until now. (I realize that it isn't necessarily a bad thing, because I do believe we can learn much from sacrifice.) But I hate having to say the words .. we can't afford it right now. They are okay with it and accept our current situation, but the guilt is just eating at me right now. Unfortunately, my husband never fails to throw in my face how successful I used to be. As I have said I sacrificed important time with my teenager (when he was little) working so hard and such long hours. So, I definitely believe that my health issues have been a a blessing and a curse. The pain and limitations I regret, but the time I now have with my children I value more than I can say. I wish I could get beyond the feeling that my husband is so disappointed in me. I have always been a "people pleaser" and his obvious disappointment with me is very demoralizing. I know deep down we will be okay .. I just need to figure out how to manage my own feelings and not take it so personally. Sorry to ramble ... it's just been rough. This board has been a sanity saver for me! :angel:
Jo
Jo
sgibson
07-02-2004, 04:07 PM
Jo,
I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. Our situations sound so similar. I guess we just need to hang in there together. I'm here anytime you need to vent. Take care ok.
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. Our situations sound so similar. I guess we just need to hang in there together. I'm here anytime you need to vent. Take care ok.
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
Jenetti
07-02-2004, 04:35 PM
Hey Ladies,
Im sorry to hear everything you are going thru. I have fibro, anemia plus other physical ailments. Just recuperating from a surgery in which the incision had gotten infected which added more recuperating time. Before the surgery i had been hospitalized 3 times since dec for extreme pain. I am also my parents caretakers, do their finances, docs appts, medicare etc. and oh do they have doctors. Has been very hard on me lately.
ANyway, im in pain 24/7 as well. Just that it goes from 4 - 9 at any day. I am on daily pain pills, plus muscle relaxers or else i wouldnt be able to move. If i have to go see the doctor like today, my appt was at 9:40 i have to get up around 6 am to take my pills so they can kick in and the body to warm up so i will be able to walk.
I also had a nice job a very long time ago, one which i loved doing (antique business) but had to close up shop due to my health. My husband thank GOD, makes enough to support us, but those health bills sure do add up even the part that insurance doesnt cover. There is no way i can ever go to work.
He doesnt/or has never thrown it in my face and he is very understanding of my pain. BUt there are times i feel like i let my son down. He always saw me being strong no matter what pain i was in, well yea i was younger. He is very active in church in his town and is in the film business. There are many functions where he wants me to attend, that i have to pass by. For instance, he is co host of a christian talk show on cable tv in his town and he won the award last year for best director, this year for best producer and best inspirational show. I couldnt make either award ceremony. I HATE MYSELF during these times. Or i hate what ive become is more like it.
He has business functions where there are important people involved in the movie industry and such and he , dear child is so very loving and for some reason so very proud of his mom and dad. He wants to introduce us to people and tell them how much we shaped and influenced his life. I cant attend. Its so painful for me, and so hard to get there, that i continually have to end up saying baby im sorry i cant go, but dad will be there.
I feel like im letting him down constantly. I feel "weak" in his eyes, not that he has ever said that but i feel very guilty and bad. You know to feel you let your parents down is one thing, to feel like youve let your husband down is another, but to feel you have left your only child down and continually doing so is so very painful i cant even type this without crying. You are so right, this board is a lifesaver for me because it allows me to let everything out. I dont have to be strong on here. I dont have to pretend everything is ok or that im not in any pain. I can cry on here and feel like i wont be judged. Although i wonder how much of this is only in my mind cause like i said, they never say anything and always understand. I guess its myself i cant forgive huh? Well i know how you all feel, and i just wanted to say youre not alone sweeties. There are more of us and i want to thank you all for being here and allowing each other to vent when we need to and know that someone REALLY understands what we're going thru. Sorry to have written a book, lol.
Love,
Jen
Im sorry to hear everything you are going thru. I have fibro, anemia plus other physical ailments. Just recuperating from a surgery in which the incision had gotten infected which added more recuperating time. Before the surgery i had been hospitalized 3 times since dec for extreme pain. I am also my parents caretakers, do their finances, docs appts, medicare etc. and oh do they have doctors. Has been very hard on me lately.
ANyway, im in pain 24/7 as well. Just that it goes from 4 - 9 at any day. I am on daily pain pills, plus muscle relaxers or else i wouldnt be able to move. If i have to go see the doctor like today, my appt was at 9:40 i have to get up around 6 am to take my pills so they can kick in and the body to warm up so i will be able to walk.
I also had a nice job a very long time ago, one which i loved doing (antique business) but had to close up shop due to my health. My husband thank GOD, makes enough to support us, but those health bills sure do add up even the part that insurance doesnt cover. There is no way i can ever go to work.
He doesnt/or has never thrown it in my face and he is very understanding of my pain. BUt there are times i feel like i let my son down. He always saw me being strong no matter what pain i was in, well yea i was younger. He is very active in church in his town and is in the film business. There are many functions where he wants me to attend, that i have to pass by. For instance, he is co host of a christian talk show on cable tv in his town and he won the award last year for best director, this year for best producer and best inspirational show. I couldnt make either award ceremony. I HATE MYSELF during these times. Or i hate what ive become is more like it.
He has business functions where there are important people involved in the movie industry and such and he , dear child is so very loving and for some reason so very proud of his mom and dad. He wants to introduce us to people and tell them how much we shaped and influenced his life. I cant attend. Its so painful for me, and so hard to get there, that i continually have to end up saying baby im sorry i cant go, but dad will be there.
I feel like im letting him down constantly. I feel "weak" in his eyes, not that he has ever said that but i feel very guilty and bad. You know to feel you let your parents down is one thing, to feel like youve let your husband down is another, but to feel you have left your only child down and continually doing so is so very painful i cant even type this without crying. You are so right, this board is a lifesaver for me because it allows me to let everything out. I dont have to be strong on here. I dont have to pretend everything is ok or that im not in any pain. I can cry on here and feel like i wont be judged. Although i wonder how much of this is only in my mind cause like i said, they never say anything and always understand. I guess its myself i cant forgive huh? Well i know how you all feel, and i just wanted to say youre not alone sweeties. There are more of us and i want to thank you all for being here and allowing each other to vent when we need to and know that someone REALLY understands what we're going thru. Sorry to have written a book, lol.
Love,
Jen
Fiona_Jo_324
07-03-2004, 10:51 PM
Jen:
Well you have obviously raised a very strong, successful and compassionate son and that means a lot, I'm sure it means more to him than he will ever be able to express and I am sure he doesn't view you as weak at all. You sound like a very strong person and I'm sure he sees you that way! I know how sad missing some of his functions must be; but I'm positive he must be proud and grateful for the wondeful parents he has. Also, you are a wonderful caretaker to your parents.
Sherry:
You are so right, we have a lot in common. I have been reading your other threads and know you are going through a very difficult time with you pain levels and the challenges you are dealing with. I'm keeping you in my prayers.
This has been a challenging time, but I will keep trying to be as optimistic as possible. I know that so many people on this board can relate ... when it rains it definitely pours.
Today I had a nice day with my twins we went and saw Spiderman 2 -- great special effects. We also did some shopping which was fun! I'm feeling it now .. but it was definitely worth it. :angel:
Jo :)
Well you have obviously raised a very strong, successful and compassionate son and that means a lot, I'm sure it means more to him than he will ever be able to express and I am sure he doesn't view you as weak at all. You sound like a very strong person and I'm sure he sees you that way! I know how sad missing some of his functions must be; but I'm positive he must be proud and grateful for the wondeful parents he has. Also, you are a wonderful caretaker to your parents.
Sherry:
You are so right, we have a lot in common. I have been reading your other threads and know you are going through a very difficult time with you pain levels and the challenges you are dealing with. I'm keeping you in my prayers.
This has been a challenging time, but I will keep trying to be as optimistic as possible. I know that so many people on this board can relate ... when it rains it definitely pours.
Today I had a nice day with my twins we went and saw Spiderman 2 -- great special effects. We also did some shopping which was fun! I'm feeling it now .. but it was definitely worth it. :angel:
Jo :)