I feel like poring my heart out, so please bare with me.

I am a 23 year old bulimic. I am 5'2 and weigh 93lbs. I know that I am too thin, but I don't see it when I look in the mirror. I don't know why I think like this and it fustrates me alot. I want to get better so bad but I will go into a mind phrase where I don't care and I just want the bad feelings to go away.

Like today for example. (by the way..thank you Ana for replying to my post about buffets :)..) I was good this morning. I woke up at 10am and I took my vitamins and had a bowl of strawberry yogurt. Went and took a shower and sang my heart out. I got ready and went to help my mom prepare for my brother's graduation party. I helped cut up calalop and honey dew. In the couple hours that I was helping my mom, I ate some of the canalop and we also had a pladder of strawberries, so I had two of those. I was doing good and I wasn't fustrated by what I just put in my stomach. But what I hate and it's a habit, I always check my waist to see if I am still very thin and that eating didn't make my waist bigger. I also always suck in my stomach.

After I helped my mom get everything together, we where off to the party and got everything set up there. It was buffet style and I was very nervous because I always go over board. I hate that. I saw people that graduated a few years before me there. I was so happy to see everyone. I did good in the beginning of the party. After I ate and I felt comfortably full, I had to go pee very bad but I was scared that I was going to threw up my food also. So I got my mom to go in the bathroom with me and I talk to her while I was going to the bathroom. It sounds gross but I was scared. I had three pieces of turkey, a few strawberries, canalop, carrots, and cucumbers, and one small piece of sausage. I did good.

Here is the bad part. I moved to Cincinnati, OH June 1, 2003.(last year)I am in Rome, NY just visting and I had to come and see my brother graduate from high school. Well my best friend of 16 years was there also with her husband and her daughter.(my god daughter) My best friend has changed alot in the past few years and even more so this year. She has changed for the worst. She has become very negitive about everything and she was making me nervous in the worst way. She kept staring at me and saying things, "Hello model!" or "God, you make me sick..look how thin you are." I started to eat more..more...more. I exused myself to go to the bathroom and I got ride of what I just eat. I was so mad at myself...I hate this...I really do. I felt alot better after she left shorty after. But I was still nervous.

I am sorry that I am rambling on and on and on. Thank you for listening...but does anyone feel the same.

nervous
Liana Rose :angel:

Hey!!!
(hugz)....I have felt (in the past) very much like that. One minute I was 'doing good'....and eating 'normally'...and..i did get comments etc which made me worse, which made me take things..and before I knew it..i was back to square one! I've been going round and round in these circles..and I think the reason why Im so unbeliveably ****** off all the time is because Im sick of going round all the frickin time!! It's so exhausting!!!

I remember when I was throwing up ...and...when I tried stopping..it was weird..like..after I ate..i felt I HAD to- not just because I felt I had to...it was because it was a habit (like people smoke)..and felt I had to do it just because of that.

LOL..sorry..the more I type..the more I lose my point of what Im sayin!:D

But, I just wanted to let u know...I completely understand how u feel.

Caroline!!x:)

Dear Caroline,

Hi(o*o*o*hugz)

thank you hun for you reply. That helped alot. Well today is a brand new day and I am not going to do that today. I am going to pray to God to keep me strong. I am going to take my vitamins this morning and a bowl of yogurt and I am going to eat healthy today. Today I am helping my family pack because they are moving to Ohio. YA..I can't wait because I hate New York state.

How are you doing? You keep strong too and I will pray for you. Ask God to keep you strong too! He is truely wonderul but I find myself lose site of him from time to time and I have to get back on track.

take care hun.
Liana Rose oxo :angel:

Liana,
Im ok, thanks...just a bit down, but trying to keep myself occupied!:) I always end up doing something e.g. cleaning my room, putting pictures on my wall etc to distract myself...but it's just a temporary solution to whatever problem I may be having...it keeps me out of trouble I suppose:D

Feel free to 'vent' anytime......we're all listening:)x

i was the same way hun:o( felling my waist and even if it felt a bit expanded i would run to the bathroom. i am trying so hard not to go back to it, but lately ive been having horrible thought about it and it seems like it is going to suck me in again. my lowest weight was 115lbs at 5'4". that for me was too thin, i mean i liked it, but alot of people could tell i was sick with an ED. i had my little boy las july and relapsed right after becuase i went up to 170 lbs.... i went down to about 127 and then i started seeing a counselor... she was great. i then gained 10 lbs and that is where i am now. at 137:o( i am so scared and i am right there with you in this. i know sometimes you feel like you are the only one. your not. [ removed ]