Hi All.

I am so confused I don't know what to do. I'm a single, 45 yr old wf. I've been divorced 3 years (VERY bad marriage of 10 years). I have a good job, but come home and have absolutely NO social life. I go to bed usually around 8:00 most nights and sleep all night. I wish I could sleep all the time. I don't cry - but I feel as if I did that I would never be able to stop.

I have one friend who is like a mother to me. My family lives far away and I have no support system. I feel as if I have no life. I come home and watch TV. I am not happy any more.

I don't know what's wrong with me -- I feel like there's a black cloud hovering above me all the time. I used to look forward to going to work, but I even dread that now. I feel angry all the time. I'm not a mean or cruel person - I'm usually very laid back and easy to get along with.

I've been told that I'm very attractive and that I shouldn't have a problem finding a date. The last date I had was 4 months ago and he turned out to be a weirdo. I seem to attract those types of men and I don't know why. Even my choice in friends has left me wondering if I am just stupid or blind or what.

My very best friend of 15 years came to stay with me a couple of weeks ago and stole one of my diamond rings. After she left, I called her and asked her about it and she said she didn't know how it got in her bag. Her husband brought it back to me. I have not talked to her since - I am heartbroken that she would do that. She stayed with me for 2 months and I took care of her and fed her. She was going through a bad time and I tried to help her. I recently found out that she is addicted to oxycontin and other drugs. I can only assume that she was going to "hock" my ring.

I had a very abusive marriage and it took me 3 years to get out of it. BTW, we didn't have any children together either (thank God)! When we were married, he made all the decisions and it took me a long time to get used to having to do that myself. It was very frightening. In 3 years, I have been in one semi-serious relationship, but that ended because he was too controlling and irresponsible.

I haven't always been a hermit, like I am now. When I was first divorced, I went out all the time, but it got old and I realized that I was just wasting time. Besides, I knew I would never find a decent man in a bar. So, now I'm at the other extreme -- staying home all the time and doing nothing.

I don't know if I'm making sense here. Everything in my life is screwed up. Money is always an issue - I make pretty good money, but it's hard living on your own and paying all the bills. I live from paycheck to paycheck and always worry about money.

I have a child who is 19, but she lives with her dad, although I see her all the time. I also have a pet dog, who is like a child to me. I guess if I didn't have those two, I would have nothing in this world to live for.

I know there are others who are much worse off than me and I am thankful for what I have. I have come a long way -- from having nowhere to live when I first left my ex; no car; and no job to having an apartment; a car and a good job. I thank God every night for that.

Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't have anyone to even go out with. So I went to my (one) friend's house and ate dinner and was home by 10:00. I have been home all weekend.

I have problems trusting people - and am afraid that I will be alone forever. I am not one of those women who has to have a man to be happy, but I would like to find someone who is kind and caring and decent. My mother always told me if there was a bum in a 50-mile radius, I would find him. I like being single, but don't want to be alone forever. But I won't settle for just anyone for the sake of not being alone.

This probably sounds screwed up, but I didn't know where to start. The bottom line is that I don't think anyone gives a sh** about me. I feel useless and don't feel like I've accomplished anything in my life.

All I know is that it is getting harder and harder to get up in the mornings. I used to be happy and cheerful and now I am irritable and angry all the time. I don't know where this anger is coming from and it scares me.

Can anyone help me? I just want to know what I'm not going crazy or that I'm some fruitloop.

Thank you for listening.

SWF, you do sound like you are depressed. Been there done that. You need to talk with your regular doctor or your gyn. At your age you could be perimenopausal. I became very depressed when I started menopause. I felt exactly like what you described. Anti-depressants can work miracles. However, I would try to stay away from Zoloft....it put 50 lbs. on me. I'm now on Wellbutrin XL and have lost 30 of the 50 lbs....and feel great!

Good luck and God bless. I hope I've been of some help.

clinda

SWF, you do sound like you are depressed. Been there done that. You need to talk with your regular doctor or your gyn. I don't know how old you are but, you could be perimenopausal. I became very depressed when I started menopause. I felt exactly like what you described. Anti-depressants can work miracles. However, I would try to stay away from Zoloft....it put 50 lbs. on me. I'm now on Wellbutrin and have lost 30 of the 50 lbs....and feel great!

Good luck and God bless.

I hope I've been of some help.

clinda ;)
_____________________________

clinda:

Thanks so much for responding. I'm 45 and my doctor put me on Yasmin (birth control pill) 2 months ago to regulate my cycles, etc. He told me that I wasn't perimenopausal, etc. So, I'm not sure whether I'm depressed because of the pill or other factors. However, I do plan on talking to my doctor this week about it. Something's gotta give here!

Again, thank you!

swf :)

SWF, you do sound like you are depressed. Been there done that. You need to talk with your regular doctor or your gyn. I don't know how old you are but, you could be perimenopausal. I became very depressed when I started menopause. I felt exactly like what you described. Anti-depressants can work miracles. However, I would try to stay away from Zoloft....it put 50 lbs. on me. I'm now on Wellbutrin and have lost 30 of the 50 lbs....and feel great!

Good luck and God bless.

I hope I've been of some help.

clinda ;)
_____________________________

clinda:

Thanks so much for responding. I'm 45 and my doctor put me on Yasmin (birth control pill) 2 months ago to regulate my cycles, etc. He told me that I wasn't perimenopausal, etc. So, I'm not sure whether I'm depressed because of the pill or other factors. However, I do plan on talking to my doctor this week about it. Something's gotta give here!

Again, thank you!

swf :)

Hi All.

I am so confused I don't know what to do. I'm a single, 45 yr old wf. I've been divorced 3 years (VERY bad marriage of 10 years). I have a good job, but come home and have absolutely NO social life. I go to bed usually around 8:00 most nights and sleep all night. I wish I could sleep all the time. I don't cry - but I feel as if I did that I would never be able to stop.

I have one friend who is like a mother to me. My family lives far away and I have no support system. I feel as if I have no life. I come home and watch TV. I am not happy any more.

I don't know what's wrong with me -- I feel like there's a black cloud hovering above me all the time. I used to look forward to going to work, but I even dread that now. I feel angry all the time. I'm not a mean or cruel person - I'm usually very laid back and easy to get along with.

I've been told that I'm very attractive and that I shouldn't have a problem finding a date. The last date I had was 4 months ago and he turned out to be a weirdo. I seem to attract those types of men and I don't know why. Even my choice in friends has left me wondering if I am just stupid or blind or what.

My very best friend of 15 years came to stay with me a couple of weeks ago and stole one of my diamond rings. After she left, I called her and asked her about it and she said she didn't know how it got in her bag. Her husband brought it back to me. I have not talked to her since - I am heartbroken that she would do that. She stayed with me for 2 months and I took care of her and fed her. She was going through a bad time and I tried to help her. I recently found out that she is addicted to oxycontin and other drugs. I can only assume that she was going to "hock" my ring.

I had a very abusive marriage and it took me 3 years to get out of it. BTW, we didn't have any children together either (thank God)! When we were married, he made all the decisions and it took me a long time to get used to having to do that myself. It was very frightening. In 3 years, I have been in one semi-serious relationship, but that ended because he was too controlling and irresponsible.

I haven't always been a hermit, like I am now. When I was first divorced, I went out all the time, but it got old and I realized that I was just wasting time. Besides, I knew I would never find a decent man in a bar. So, now I'm at the other extreme -- staying home all the time and doing nothing.

I don't know if I'm making sense here. Everything in my life is screwed up. Money is always an issue - I make pretty good money, but it's hard living on your own and paying all the bills. I live from paycheck to paycheck and always worry about money.

I have a child who is 19, but she lives with her dad, although I see her all the time. I also have a pet dog, who is like a child to me. I guess if I didn't have those two, I would have nothing in this world to live for.

I know there are others who are much worse off than me and I am thankful for what I have. I have come a long way -- from having nowhere to live when I first left my ex; no car; and no job to having an apartment; a car and a good job. I thank God every night for that.

Yesterday was my birthday and I didn't have anyone to even go out with. So I went to my (one) friend's house and ate dinner and was home by 10:00. I have been home all weekend.

I have problems trusting people - and am afraid that I will be alone forever. I am not one of those women who has to have a man to be happy, but I would like to find someone who is kind and caring and decent. My mother always told me if there was a bum in a 50-mile radius, I would find him. I like being single, but don't want to be alone forever. But I won't settle for just anyone for the sake of not being alone.

This probably sounds screwed up, but I didn't know where to start. The bottom line is that I don't think anyone gives a sh** about me. I feel useless and don't feel like I've accomplished anything in my life.

All I know is that it is getting harder and harder to get up in the mornings. I used to be happy and cheerful and now I am irritable and angry all the time. I don't know where this anger is coming from and it scares me.

Can anyone help me? I just want to know what I'm not going crazy or that I'm some fruitloop.

Thank you for listening.

Well, I don't know, kinda sounds like you are depressed, but for good reasons. You've not gotten a fair deal it sounds like to me, but alot of people are in the same situation of feeling unappreciated or uncared for. People are fly-by-night these days and too selfish sometimes. It is getting harder to find the quality people still out there, but of course, they are there somewhere! It also sucks to not have any family nearby as they are usually the ones who understand you best.

And who doesn't worry about money? Wish I had an answer for that one except of course try to win the lottery! Otherwise, these days with our economy I agree, it's pretty scary even if you have a spouse!

I'd work on the daughter relationship, because personally I have found that a daughter can be a best friend....this doesn't mean no differences/fights, etc. but it's a worthwhile relationship, better than a man anyday in the dependability dept. She is with her dad but someday she may choose to live with you if she wishes, so there's always that chance.

I personally also find alot of happiness in staying in shape and going to the gym...feels good to do something just for me!

Well, the birth control pills can cause depression too, so they could be a factor. Only pity is, very necessary if you are still able to have children but don't want anymore, at least for the time being.

Maybe some therapy could help? Pills for depression are very unhealthy, their dependability/effectiveness in question these days.

I also have to comment on what your mother said....that would make anyone feel like a failure; as though you had no ability or judgement to do anything right. Well, there isn't just one man in a 50 mile radius that's a bum, there's plenty of them so it's not you, it's the slim picking's you have to work with. Your mom's comment creates low self-esteem in you, which can lead to depressed/scared feelings about everything from men to money to being alone. It was very unsupportive and very demeaning. Believe me, I know, I have a mom who thought I couldn't do anything right, that she knew more than me about life. Lately, it has come as a great shock to her that I know alot more in life than she does most the time.....I think it's some form of control or dominance, or feeling of being needed that makes parents like that?

I don't get that whole thing about parent superiority; personally, I always give my daughter my opinions(whether she wants them or not) and advice but when it comes right down to it, I always say I trust her judgement. I don't blame her if things go awry. We can only raise our children with solid standards/moral and then hold our breath and hope; and help anyway we can....we shouldn't blame them for lifes' pitfalls. When they become adults, we should respect them as such!

Sorry for the rant but I spent years thinking I was weak compared to mom; but I realize only by her standard and yes, my life did work out pretty good, or at least my relationships with my kids which I hold as most important in life.

But youre' right about men, bars are not the best place to look for guys. Time to join a club/hobby where you can meet decent guys! Good luck to you....

I would seek therapy if I were you. It helps so much to have someone to talk to. You may or may not need medication, but I would talk to your doctor about it anyway. Good luck.

Jennita:

Wow - what you said about my mother was very surprising and revealing! It has never occurred to me that that could be one (of many) reasons for my low self-esteem. I love her dearly, but you were right on the money -- she was (and still is to a degree) very controlling, domineering and critical. However, I think that statement she made to me (many years ago which has still clung to me like glue -- i.e. me attracting bums) was from her own feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness. She was an abused woman for many years, and after my father died (21 years ago), she has NEVER dated. A tad bitter, I would say. One would think that when I became the abused woman, she would be most sympathetic, but she was more like why did I stay so long because my ex (my 2nd husband) and I had no children, so what was holding me back for 10 years? But, I understand her mentality (to a degree) and do not blame her for my problems.

Also, I am very close to my daughter and we have a very strong bond, which has helped tremendously.

You are right -- life is not fair, but no one ever said it was going to be. I know that and try not to dwell on it.

These last 3 years have been sheer he** for me, but I pulled through it and never felt this depressed. That's what I don't understand. It should be all downhill from here, don't you think? What I'm trying to say is that if I made it through all that, nothing else could or should be THAT bad again. And it hasn't, so what's the problem? Is this some kind of delayed reaction or something? I don't know.

Either way, it has taken me a month to realize that I'm not just tired, but that I'm depressed and need help. And I am going to get in touch with my doctor this week and "nip this in the bud" before it gets worse.

I can tell you that all of your replies have helped me already. I hate feeling weak and asking for help (pride), but we have to take care of ourselves because no one else is going to do it.

Thanks so much to all of you. Take care.

swf

Hi swf!

You sound a lot like me, except I still have the man and the kids living with me.

First I'll say that you seem mildly depressed, not in need of meds (yet) but a good therapist or a therapy group might help you.

I feel like a failure all of the time and, like you, just because I am not some kind of superstar does not mean I'm a failure -- at 41, I have the decent job and the two healthy happy kids to prove I'm not a failure.

What I have felt is completely abandoned socially. My poor husband gets sick of hearing me complain about this, but it's been my experience that as soon as I went from the "cute" 20-35 age range into the "pretty and mature" late 30s-40s, I became invisible to the world. Ignored for job advancement, ignored for socializing, ignored in the local Wawa because I don't have 2 hours in the morning to do my hair and makeup and dress up like Christine Aguilera. (OK maybe I'm getting outrageous now . . .)

I have lost close female friends just due to circumstances -- most have relocated over the years. I feel very bad for what happened with your best friend -- if and when she gets clean and sober, she will be ashamed of what she did, but for now, she is under the spell of addiction.

As for close relatives, they are around but we don't agree on a lot of things so they are not my "confidantes" if you know what I mean.

Just want you to know that I understand your anger. You are not getting your needs for love, approval, and validation met. Unfortunately, many of us aren't. I turn to my husband and kids for it -- you are right in that the two greatest things you have are your daughter and your loving pet.

Good luck!

Jennita:

Wow - what you said about my mother was very surprising and revealing! It has never occurred to me that that could be one (of many) reasons for my low self-esteem. I love her dearly, but you were right on the money -- she was (and still is to a degree) very controlling, domineering and critical. However, I think that statement she made to me (many years ago which has still clung to me like glue -- i.e. me attracting bums) was from her own feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness. She was an abused woman for many years, and after my father died (21 years ago), she has NEVER dated. A tad bitter, I would say. One would think that when I became the abused woman, she would be most sympathetic, but she was more like why did I stay so long because my ex (my 2nd husband) and I had no children, so what was holding me back for 10 years? But, I understand her mentality (to a degree) and do not blame her for my problems.

Also, I am very close to my daughter and we have a very strong bond, which has helped tremendously.

You are right -- life is not fair, but no one ever said it was going to be. I know that and try not to dwell on it.

These last 3 years have been sheer he** for me, but I pulled through it and never felt this depressed. That's what I don't understand. It should be all downhill from here, don't you think? What I'm trying to say is that if I made it through all that, nothing else could or should be THAT bad again. And it hasn't, so what's the problem? Is this some kind of delayed reaction or something? I don't know.

Either way, it has taken me a month to realize that I'm not just tired, but that I'm depressed and need help. And I am going to get in touch with my doctor this week and "nip this in the bud" before it gets worse.

I can tell you that all of your replies have helped me already. I hate feeling weak and asking for help (pride), but we have to take care of ourselves because no one else is going to do it.

Thanks so much to all of you. Take care.

swf

Well, it's because I recognised the same behavior in my mother as I told you!

I never realized it though, intil my fourties, when I went through a bit of a health problem, which was improperly treated with benzodiazepines. I was soon suffering tolerance withdrawals from the benzo I was taking (this happens while still on them). My mother thought it was all in my mind, not believing me when I said it was not anything wrong in my life. My husband and I had difficulties.... but those difficulties had passed, and everything else in lifewas fine. The change was abrupt when prescription drugs entered the picture.

When I discovered it was the drugs, she claimed I was so gullible to believe all the info I found out on the internet about the benzos; that I should only listen to my doctors. Well, I gave them almost a year and since I was getting worse, I figured they werent' going to be much help. Then after I got off the drugs (mind you, no abuse problems, just taken as prescribed) and I became better and better, she said I should have known, despite I was listening to the doctors and following their orders, that the pills were going to cause the mess they did....although, she's the one who always preached "anyone who doctor's themselves has a fool for a patient"!

But you are right; it is probably because of their past bitterness. But I also believe it's a parent who wants control, so the child will be weak and always need them? Or maybe they can't give up being the authority figure. With my own children, I automatically did things different even before I realized why, and gave up authority figure status when they turned 18. I respect them more than my mother did me, to be able to think and make decisions....sure, they may make mistakes but who doesn't? Maybe that's why we are such good friends as my attitude is not superior to them. If I want respect, I should also give it.

Gee, come to think of it, perhaps I was seeing the way my husbands' mother treated him, as an adult and very respectful of that, so maybe that's where I got that from. I have to wonder if that's why I didn't repeat the same behavior as my mother. To this day, my mother-in-law will not tell her children "what to do", she only cautiously offers advice if they want to hear. My mom still tries to impose what she feels should be done, but I've learned to listen with a grain of salt and then make my own decisions.

Anyway, it does make very low self-esteem, and that effects your relationships, work, etc. Not to blame your mom entirely, because I also believe that once we are adults and can make our own choices, we are also influenced by other things besides our parents.....thus other things/people that influence us may also be blamed....but ultimately, blame is on us, because we are the ones, not our parents or peers, who do have the final say after all. So we must as individuals, take blame for our actions. I do feel sorry for those killers/criminals, for example, with horrible childhoods, but if they go and hurt others because of it, that is their decision and is their blame because as a free, independant adult, they should know that innocent people they don't know are not to blame for what happened to them.

So it really is up to us how we deal, although being given low-self esteem is one handicap we didn't really need to have now, is it? So in that particular problem, yes, a parent is to blame but it's up to us to overcome it I suppose.

Maybe therapy would be helpful like someone suggested. I can tell you from experience, most doctors will just want to whip out the prescription pad for some antidepressant or something. You will surely be diagnoised with clinical depression, considered a biological disease even though there is no biological test to prove you have it (unlike diabetes).

Drugs will give temporary relief, but they do carry tolerance/withdrawal issues and adverse health conditions....so they should be last resort. Side effects can also be severe. Clinical tests have shown regular, vigorous exercise and fish oils(omegas) to be as effective as AD's for depression. Recent FDA uncoverings have shown some cover-ups by pharmaceutical companies such as makers of Paxil, which many unpublished trials showed ineffectivness and even some emergence of suicidal tendencies in some users.

I feel I had to warn you, but it's ultimately up to you whether you take pills, of course.

Hey, sorry for the novel, as you can read, I've had my own issues in life too. Well, haven't we all....