This is new to me. I am not an open person anymore. I keep everything inside. It is easier that way. Everyone wants to know your problems, but nobody wants to give you an answer. I hate being stereo typed as something. And I hate sympathy. I am 17 yrs young. I have a younger sister. She will be 10 in Aug. Well, here goes.. When I was a baby, my father left. I saw him once when I was 6. I haven't heard from him since. He has a new family. A girlfriend, and a little boy named Andrew. I wonder if he would love me if I was a boy. I used to cry myself to sleep at night, because he doesn't love me. He doesn't pay child support or anything. That isn't the problem. My mother is an abusive alcoholic. I was about 12 when she started being abusive. It wasn't every night. Until recently. At the age of 12 I started counting down the days until I was 18. I still can't wait to get out of there. The only reason I am still "living" there, is for my little sister. If anything ever happened to her I would never be able to forgive myself. There are times when my mother will literally come in my room in the middle of the night to wake me up to fight her. She screams at me to "fight me like a woman" exact quote. There was one night she just kept hitting me. I had bruises all over and my face was swollen. I walked to my friends house. A 15 min drive, was a 3 hour walk. It was raining. Her father brought me home around 5 in the morning. I prayed my mother was sleeping. She was. I took a shower and got ready for school. I am a very hyperactive person. I was too quiet that day. I tried to act normal, but I was speechless, and exhausted. My teachers asked, but I just said I was sick. My grandmother is trying everything she can. But the layer said that if they were to do anything about it, my sister would go to a foster home. They are waiting to see how they can get sutody of her. My step father is an alcoholic as well. He isn't abusive, but he does nothing to stop my mother. There are so many times when I have just wanted to give up. But then my little sister comes to mind. I was scuicidal before. But now I am greatful I didn't succeed. My sister needs to know she is loved. She deserves better than what she has. I am her mother. She was really fragile as a baby. My mom was in and out of the hospital alot, for problems I don't even know. And my sister was born with a heart defect. She was on a heart monitor for the longest time. I bathed her, fed her, loved her, played with her, changed her dypers. Everything for that kid. She resents me. My mom wants to be the friend. Not the mother. So my duties have multiplied. Anyway. That isn't the problem I came on here to discuss. But that is the backround. Now the real problem, I am a "self mutilator". Other wise stereo typed as a "cutter". I hate myself for it. I can't look at myself in the mirror. If my sister ever found out and followed my footsteps, I don't even know what I would do. The guilt would be the most extreme. My spots are my left wrist, and my left upper thigh. I wear wrist bands, bracelets, and Always pants. I am scared to wear shorts, though it is pretty high. It's weird talking about it. It almost makes me sick. I am angry with myself more than anything I guess. What a role model huh? I am scared. Hence the reason I am opening up. I thought it might be easier on here, because I don't have to look you in the face. Also, I wanted to try talking about it before seeking professional help. I don't really like the idea of an institution. I'm sorry for what I do. Stopping isn't easy. I don't think. Anger consumes my thoughts. So if anyone will take the time. Talk to me. Give me some sort of guidance. I don't know what to do.??

whoa your life sounds almost exactly like one of my good friends. im not very good at giving advice but the professional help thing is definately a good idea. iv been in therapy off and on pretty much my whole life it does really help b/c like u im not open at all about my problems. and about how you said your sister resents you..im sure she loves and looks up to you way more that you think. your probably like a mom to your sister and a lot of times kids arent very nice to their parents. im so mean to my mom and she thinks i hate her but i really probably care more about her than anyone else.

Woow... I'm here in front of the computer not knowing what to type... I honestly don't know what to say.
I can't believe everything you're going through...
At the same time I feel that we've been going through similar things, sometimes I feel I can't go on and believe me, I didn't go through the half of the things you did, and by knowing your age... wow...

Well, there's no much that someone in the other end of the continent may say about what you're going through... You said that your sister may go to a foster house and I don't get it... why can't she go with your grandma too? I assume that in case that you leave your house you would go living with her, right? Then, why can't she go with you?
And then: let's think this way: could she and you be worse than the way you are right now? Your mom is abussive, your stepfather is alcoholic too... I don't see a healthy enviorement (SP?) for any of you... so... If you can live with your grandma that would be great... but when I think of a foster house I don't think it's such a bad idea... specially knowing what you're going through in the house you're in right now... And by what I know, foster houses are meant to be temporary... that means that with time your mom and your step father could get sober... or maybe she might go living with you and your grandmother.

I understand you when you say you're like your sister's mother and by what you say it sounds like sees you as a mother too... I wonder: how does she see her real mother? How is their relationship? Is your mother abusive with her too? What about her father? Her grandmother? etc... Is it anyone (beside your grandma) who can help you?

About the cutting: I guess that the hate you have for yourself is so big that you keep hurting yourself over and over again. Believe me, no one deserves that. There's not reason to hate yourself... it wasn't your fault that your dad left, it's not your fault the way your mom treats you... nothing of those things are your fault, and believe me you should be proud of yourself for surviving the kind of live that you're living, specially you should be proud of yourself for always being for your little sister and for being her mother when she needed one. Girlie, you are hurted by your mother all the time, you should defend yourself, take care of yourself: you're the only one in the house who cares for your sister, if you keep hurting yourself, how are you going to take care of her. Sometimes, to take care of someone else you should take care of yourself first... keep that in mind... I know it's hard, I'm not saying it's not... and if you need professional help to do that, then... I think that's exactly what you should seek. We might help you here with our words but I don't think that would be enough.

Please TAKE CARE, remember to value who you are and keep us posted as how you're doing...

See you around

SOL

Thank you for at least taking the time to reply to my issue. I wasn't expecting anything really. I guess any thought of somebody actually caring faded away with my once happy self. The thing about the foster home. The Lawyer said that in this point in time, that's what it looks like. My little sister would go to a foster home. Given the information she knows, and how things run with situations like ours. They outlawed the grandparents law, where the children would automatically go to the grandparents given this. But my grandmother continuously pushes for more. That little woman does everything in her power to help us. She is amazing. Truly my role model. No-one knows about the cutting. That would be the breaking point for my granmother. I couldn't dare tell her. I have been home off and on. I have been staying with my friend, but talking to my sister every night. My house, isn't a home. I go there, walk straight to my room, turn off the light, lock the door, turn on my stereo, and just sit there. I used to write. I still do occasionally. That used to calm me. But when that wasn't enough anymore, cutting became the source of temporary happiness. It's like freedom. It makes me feel real. I feel the pain fade. I know this isn't right. I want to stop. But it's almost like a drug. When you're hooked, you're hooked. My writings are nothing I would want to share with anyone though. I'm sorry. I don't mean to complain. I know somebody out there has it worse than me. I try to keep that in mind. It is what keeps me going really, that, my sister, and my grandmother. Well, I'm off for now. I have to get ready for work. But Thank you again, for taking the time to reply to my post. I will keep your words of wisdom in mind. Maybe someday I will have the strength to change myself for the better. Or even seek the help I know I need. It just really scares me to know that my sister is 2 years younger than I was when I started cutting. Ok. Well enough of me for now. Later.

Bren