It seems like there is nobody out there like me. I feel bad for anyone depressed but I don't understand why I'm the only one like this. Nobody really understands because nobody is like me.

I know that god hates me, I just wish I knew why? I understand that life can't ever be fair, but why do some people never have anything good happen. I don't believe that the people who aren't depressed are that way because they choose to be happy, that's ridiculous because that would mean that depressed people choose to have horrible things happen to them in order to be depressed which doesn't make sense. I have no control over my depression because the problems won't stop or clear up.

Here I am 24yrs old and feeling worthless. I had a poor upbringing because my mother didn't know what she was doing and now I have to suffer the consequences as a result. Everyone blames me but all these problems come from my early life. I shouldn't have to be digging myself out of a hole like this.

I have no social skills because I had problems with self esteem and my appearance when I was a teenager that were never addressed, now I can't function. I still haven't gotten a boyfriend and I probably never will. I'm so unattractive because I'm still dealing with my dental problems that should have been corrected with braces at like 12. Also all the depression and useless meds caused me to gain well over 100lbs of excess weight, now I'm slightly obese. I'm so ugly and it's so hard.

I spend this past school year working in a parttime teaching position that I refuse to go back too. I'm humiliated that I feel this way but I hate those kids, they have so much more than I ever will, I can't stand to look at their lives. Wasted 6yrs and racked up debt for a Education degree that I never wanted in the first place. I never wanted to be a teacher, I just wasn't prepared for college because my needs weren't addressed when I was a teen, so when I finally applied to college I didn't even know what I wanted to do. I wish I would have had opportunities to persue my dreams like all those other kids.

I can't wait until I die, I wont try suicide again because it already failed me 2 times, but I hope I get killed tomorrow, I really do.

Actually I think I know exactly how you feel. My problems are different to some degree, but I think our feelings boil down to the same thing.

In your case, you had a bad upbringing that took a toll on your own development and sense of individuality. I also had the same kind of thing go on. My mother got married to the very first guy she ever had a relationship with only because she was pregnant with me. That was a bad recipe for a good marriage because for the 22 years of my life they have been completely destructive towards each other. So, growing up the only thing I learned was that relationships were heart-ache, and to this day I have never met a married couple that had a "happy marriage"..so I don't believe it exists and I don't look forward to it. All mistakes were made with me since I was first born and my mother was young, inexperienced and had no support from my father. But because I know these things I can't really blame her, I can only shrug and blame it on the bad luck of life.

You say you haven't had any relationships because you are not attractive. My case is the opposite. I have had relationships but each one took a huge toll on me because I picked the wrong kind of guys and never noticed the relationship was bad untill it was too late. It leaves deep scars, some that to this day have not healed and I envy anyone who has not had to deal with the things I have, in that area. Also I had the worse problem where everyone comes to the general concensus that I am a physically attractive person, but if that is the case how come I never get the kind of guys I really want? It boils down to my personality and it really goes to show that looks are NOT everything. I have seen the ugliest creatures with beautiful boyfriends who are madly in love with them..why? Because there is someone for everyone and something about that hideous girl must be awesome. So don't look down on yourself because of your looks, someday an awesome guy will appreciate you for who you are and you will have better luck than me and my uselessly attractive self -_-

You worked towards a career that is ultimately unsatisfying because you had no idea what you really wanted to do with your life. I understand completely because unfortunately like you, I also understand that life has time-limits and by a certain age you are expected by society to fend for yourself whether you are ready or not. I fell into the same situation as you. I graduated high-school without any inspiration about where my life should lead, went to college for a year on general studies because I had no clue what I wanted to major in. After all the dissatisfaction with schooling that went nowhere and tired of wasting my brain-cells on stuff that meant nothing to me I made the horrible choice of joining the military. I thought of it as a fresh start with a forced degree of discipline, where I could be around supportive people in my same situation.

I was completely wrong. My year and a half in the military has been nothing but a nightmare and what makes my living days even more desperate is the fact that I have 4 more years to go of this misery. There is nothing I can do about it, it isn't just a regular job that you can just 'quit', it's a place where an order is an order and personal opinion means nothing. Forget about reasoning with people, it doesn't exist. It's a cold environment that I can only relate to communism with the promise of benefits...seriously.

I'll be 26 when I get out. Most of my young life wasted in a negative environment. When people at that age already have a career or are working towards one, I will be thrown on the streets back to clueless square one, because the skills I was forced to learn here are of no use to me and wont be relevant on the outside. Most people at 26 will probably be starting families..by then I will nothing left but a string of unpleasant and empty memories and a damaged heart that slowly turns to stone each time.

Yeah, I think I know a little how you feel when you you realize your life is going nowhere fast. Everyday is the same as the last and will probably be the same as tomorrow. At some point you don't see the worth in waking up in the morning knowing that when you go to bed that night you'll be as miserable as ever. What kind of life is that?

The only thing I can say is hang in there, find a reason to keep going even if it doesn't seem worth it. And at the very least appreciate your freedom, some of us don't have that choice. The words, "I quit" and "I am unique" are very powerful, and they can change your life so use them. Take control of your life despite any risks involved, it may be worth it.

There I'm sure are people out there like you. Alot of people don't understand things that happen in other peoples lives. You are not alone though. It is not right that you are like you are now from a deprived childhood with no direction. And the thing with the teaching and you knowing that those children have/had it better than you. Because you didn't have it good doesn't mean you should stop another child from having just as less as you. You should want to help them to better themselves. Give them something you never had. You never know maybe one or two of those children go through the same thing you did, but aren't showing signs of it yet. You helping them may be what they need to succeed and you could help that. Often times people grow bitter from thier tragic experiences. It takes a strong-willed, uncowardly person to admit they are wrong, and do something to better themselves or someone in thier position. Now is a time for change. You never know, maybe one of those little ones will teach you something. You are never to old to learn something. Being caring and showing you care attracts the right type of person as well. No one wants to be with some one cold and bitter no matter how good they look. Looks are too important in our scociety today I know. But there still are good people out there that care about the inside of the person more than they would ever care about how they look. You just have alot of things you are coming to a head with now. You need to do something to clear your mind. A hott Bubble bath. LoL. Anything. I know you want whats right. You want piece of mind. You can find it. Have faith in yourself, and whatever you decide to do. What matters is if you do what you know is right. Complicated. Yes. Impossible. No. This board is a good place to start. I myself have a major issue with myself, and Anger aimed in all directions. All I want to do is be happy again. I want to be like I used to. I am not an open person anymore. I hide myself. I put on an act and pretend everything is fine. Pride I guess it really it. When it comes down to it, what is worth more, my future or my pride. I'm stuck right now. I'm doing all that I can, but all that I can doesn't seem to be enough. I am still holding on strong though. Giving up would be too easy. Fight what the world throws at you. Change it. Put out something posotive, and get something posotive back. Most every problem wrong with everyone on this depression board, is mental. Medicines help yes, but you tell yourself something long enough, you're going to start to believe it. I have been so negative to myself. I am angry at myself, and everyone whoi made me this way. But all I can do now is help myself. I am still a coward, I won't seek the help I know I need. I wish I was as strong-willed as I once was. 17 and my life already has little direction. My grandmother is all I have. And my little sister who looks up to me. I was scuicidal, and so happy I didn't succeed now. Though sometimes I wonder how different it would be if I did. Well, I really hope I have said something to help you. Even a little bit. I tend to ramble once you get me to open up. Well, I guess I am off for now. Keep posting. I really hope you start to feel better. Best wishes. Later.

Bren

i can relate to some of the things that you're going thru. i know how it feels to think you look horrible, and how it feels when you don't think you're life is going anywhere and you don't know what to do with your life. i've always had low self-esteem and never have thought that i look good enough to attract guys. but i've seen tons of uglier girls than me and they're walkin around with their boyfriends! the reason i've never had a boyfriend at 17 is cuz i'm so un-social. i haven't always been shy but now i've gotten severly shy to the point where i cannot be myself around people. i've lost a lot of friends. i just know that i'd have so many more friends and maybe a boyfriend too if i could just be me. and y'know it's really a trapped feeling to not be yourself around people and not think that you're good enough. that has led to a mild depression in me. i know i need help,but am too afraid to admit i need it. like anyone would be. but y'know, i'm determined that one day, i'm just gonna get the help i need before it's too late. i know at least one thing that i want out of life. i wanna be happy with MY life. the one thing that has gotten me thru so many tough times is my hope. although every day is the same old thing, i have hope and a vision of what i want my life to be like one day and i want it so bad. and somehow i just know i have to get that life somehow. i've already made it 17 yrs. and you've made it 24. think about it, you didn't come this far just to give up. you can't stop now, every morning that you wake up and feel like crap, that's a morning that God is giving you to change your life. i've already come this far and know i just wanna feel good. if i don't get that out of my life it's gonna be a waste. i didn't come thru all this crap just to quit.God loves everyone. know that. and love Him back. He will work in your life to your knowledge more if you let Him become more active in your life. ask Him for strength. just have the hope and determination to know how you wanna be in life and make a plan to get there somehow. think about at least one little activity that gives you a little joy and see if you can make a career out of it. i have to go off to college soon and have NO idea what i want to do so i know how it feels.for me, i love animals. so maybe i can find a job with that. just search yourself and find out what would be interesting and make you happy even the slightest bit. if you don't like the way you look make an effort to lose weight. i know i am. at my age even i've put on some pounds. go out and get some braces if you've never had any. it's never too late to start making a change in your life. and if you're not social, get help from a counselor. anything..even though this sounds stupid, make goals, it really can help to know what you want and know that you'll do anything to get it. be optimistic as much as you can and enjoy simple things in life right now to keep you going. and always have at least a little hope. i rambled too, hope that helped!

You have a lot more to live for than you realize and I had many similar feelings and did not grow up in a happy home either. You need to get involved in a cbt group if you can and there you will learn that you can't change the past and begin to learn how you can change your future using the tools many have used to overcome there pasts. There's a great book based on cbt called Been there, Done that? Do This! by Sam Obitz that has several great chapters on overcoming a dysfunctional upbringing. You can and will get better if you use the cbt tools :)

i can relate to some of the things you said, like having poor self esteem and having it affect your daily life... also comparing myself to others, especially my siblings... i lookat my younger sister and see someone who wil be sucessful and then i look at myself and feel like a stupid loser who wont do anything meaningful in life... i as well have no social skills do to poor self esteem, i can baraly manage having a relationship with my boyfriend because i am constantly telling myself that i am ugly, that i am stupid, that i am unattractive... this depression has the best of me...

can you talk to your doc about this... tell him/her how bad things really are with you...

i hope that you will be able to stay safe and take care... *hugs*

I think I can relate too. I felt much the way you do when I was in college. I didn't want to go to college right out of high school. I wanted to take a year off, work, earn my own money, buy a car, work on my music and then go. But my parents were having none of it. They forced me to go to school, which was really a waste because since it wasn't my choice, I spent the whole time being miserable. I developed an ulcer and was just miserable, and it took me a long time to forgive them, but they were doing what they thought was best. They still don't think they did anything wrong, though I know that anything good I will be able to achieve in this life will be despite them, not because of them. But there comes a time when you have to stop blaming your parents. Some people shouldn't be parents, and some do a really scewy job. But one thing I realized is that for better or for worse, what becomes of me now is up to me. I can spend the rest of my days blaming my parents for missed opportunities, or I can take control and do what I can do to make what's left of my life as good as possible. You do have some control over your own life. If you don't want to teach, do you know what you do want to do? Find out and then just go for it. I was 37 when I made a career change, and though I'm still struggling to get to where I was in my old career status and money wise, I'm glad I made the change. I like what I do sooo much better. I hate the hours but love the work, and maybe someday soon I'll get a full time job with better hours and bennies, and all. But every day I still struggle with feelings of worthlessness and wondering why God doesn't love me enough to bless me with at least a few good things, like a friend, or a boyfriend. I see married people with kids and it kills me, so my life is fffaaaarrr from good or perfect, but Im trying to take as much control of it as I can. Most of all, I know that I can't hold my parents responsible for who I am today. Who I was when I first graduated high school, maybe, but not who I am today.

Yes, there are many of us with varying degrees of similar problems. Many of us inherited depression and on top of that our parents were also depressed so the part that was not inherited was learned and/or beaten into us.

There are meds that do not put weight on and you sound very depressed and in need of help. You can ask your Dr. about a mild antidepressant. If you can take it, it may give you a little better perspective. Then, find a GOOD therapist. Try to take baby steps. Just go for a little progress at a time or you will become overwhelmed.

If education is not for you perhaps special ed. is. It is very different than regular ed. and can be unbelievably rewarding for certain people. You get to give alot and you get to receive ALOT. Don't worry about speed, but try to be a little faster than me. It took me 20 yrs. to get my RN. (I work in special ed).

One thing at a time...Don't forget. And good luck. Although luck is only the teeniest part of the equation. cth

removed dont want to have this posted

Hey, looks like I have somewhat of a twin out there. My mom hated me, wasnt afraid to keep me home from school, sit me down, and tear me apart. She had 5 kids, but I was the one she just didnt like and wasnt afraid to admit it. As a young mother, yrs ago a doctor put me on zoloft, that helped my self esteem, and it doesnt matter what you look like to have low self esteem, I was always considered attractive, but couldnt look in a mirror. That medication saved my life, saved me from treating my children the same way. My mother and sisters trashed me for seeking medical help. Especially MENTAL HEALTH but now, they are all taking medication and doing really, really well, and they as well as I will urge people to seek help when they feel this way. Depression effects alot of aspects in life, in our case, it was our tempers. I now spend quite a bit of time with my mom. And though you may not love yourself too much right now, and I DO understand that feeling, God does love you, and he hears you. There have been many heart breaking nights that I have cried, wishing I were anyone but me. But I will lay odds that you, because you have gone through so much pain, are more open to the pain of others. As I have recently found in these forums, we tend to be sensitive to the pain and feelings of others, and your experieces will help others. Im sure they already have, just by you reaching out here, others know that they arent alone. Partly because of you, I know im not. Thank you.