I don't get it.

I had an IUI. 3 eggs. 59 million sperm. Why wouldn't they implant?
I don't understand. I guess it could have been a miscarriage because I was
nauseous for 2 weeks then suddenly, out of the blue last night,
the nausea disappeared.

Still, I'm not young. I'm 32. I'm just getting older. I don't want to be
an old lady in my kids' lives (if it ever happens) and I also don't want to die
a lonely old lady someday with no family.

Why is God punishing me? Why does he allow other women to have babies
and abuse them? I don't understand ANYTHING right now.

*crying*

I use to feel exactly the same way as you. Not to discourage because there is hope, I had six months of back to back IUI's and then a 2 month break went on BCP for six weeks and then 2 more months of back to back to back IUI's all with Clomid 150mg and I always had nice eggs and gooe sperm count. We were on another 2 month break because we were going to start IVF and I found out I was PG on our own 2 weeks before starting IVF. So miracles definately happen. I use to say every month Why me god why does it always have to be me, Now I have 3 weeks left of this Pregnancy and it has been a rough one so again I am saying god why me, but I am holding up and can't wait for this little one to arrive.

I think the whole time we were doing the IUI's the timing was completely off. We would do them anywhere between days 12 and 16 and I know that when I got PG it was day 22. Did you do a trigger shot? We never did.

Good luck I hope you get your BFP soon

Yes, they did an ultrasound to make sure my egg folliciles were about to burst
and then I took the trigger shot.

We'll be going on a 2 month break because my insurance ends on July 31st and
my husband's doesn't kick in until October. (Why does insurance run our lives???)

So, I'll probably be able to go on Clomid this cycle but can't do another IUI until October. Don't want to fork out over $300 to pay for the IUI without insurance.
(And who knows how much the sperm washing costs).

SIGH.....the timing would have been so perfect....it's just not fair.

I have a new house, an empty room, my husband has a good job, I want to be a stay at home mommy. We live in a beautiful neighborhood. My child would only get the best...so WHY can't it happen?? :( :( :( :( I never knew this would happen to me. I thought I was like everyone else.

there are alot more women out there that feel like you do, more than we ever thought. i am one of them. fortunately, i was blessed with 2 girls...but i always wanted a 3rd child. i love kids, and always dreamed of a house full. it absolutely makes me sick to hear of ones that abuse their kids, throwing little innocent babies in dumpsters to die, ones having babies that dont deserve them, and ones having babies that didnt plan on more and act like the blessing they were surprised with are more of a nuisance than joy. i suffer with endometriosis...my husband and i havent used protection in 8 years. i, too, am 32 years old...so i feel its time for me to give it up and move on. it doesnt seem fair, but its just something i have to deal with. what makes my situation worse is that my husband didnt want anymore kids, he was trying as a favor to me, so, he wont go seek fertility help of any kind. i did try clomid a few years ago for about 3 months--got frustrated cause nothing was happening. i have recently started buying the ovulation kits, timing things perfectly---nothing!! you know, i decided a few years ago that if my daughters came home one day and told me that they are pregnant earlier than i feel they should, i will bless them--and not condemn them--as i realize just how precious being able to become pregnant is...and that anything can ruin that at anytime. i was 18 and 21 when i had my kids---who knew that at age 24--my baby days would be over with---i just thank God that i did have mine at an early age---otherwise, i wouldnt have had a chance to be a mother. i am praying for you, please keep the faith...God doesnt hate you...although i know exactly how you feel.

OK, let me take a breath, I have several things to say.

God does not hate you honey, he loves you more than you would ever know, please have faith in him and understand that things are not always done the way you think they should be. I truley hope that you would get pregnant but have you ever thought about adoption? You mentioned that there are so many women who have babies and abuse them, have you thought about saving one of them? You can adopt a baby just after it's been born, before anyone has a chance to abuse it, you can give it a beautiful life and save it from a lifetime of Hell. I know it does cost a pretty penny but some insurance companies help pay for it. My DH is in the military and there is actually a program that helps pay for adoptions. MY father was adopted by my grandparents when they were in their 40's after never being able to conceive. My father was 6 when he was adopted, came from a very troubled home, but because of the parenting of my grandparents he turned out to be the best dad ever. He realized that what my grandparents did was give him a REAL family, even if there was no blood involved. Thank God that my Grandma couldn't get pregnant, because who knows what would have happened to my dad.

I know you want to have your own baby, made from you and your DH. I truly hope that God blesses you with one. But please don't ever think God hates you, trust in him, pray. He may just answer your prayer, but maybe not the way that you think he should. He will never forsake you or leave you, it is us who turn our backs on him. :angel:

I can't adopt. I have a history of depression so the government wouldn't allow me to adopt. Also, I don't have $10,000+ cash to pay for a child.
(I think it's VERY sick that adoption costs that much, but that is a whole other issue....)

I have to agree with you about the cost of adoption. The government spends over $10,000 keeping these children in foster homes and orphanages instead of finding them caring parents. I mean, the fact that you are willing to invest in their future and life and give them a loving home should be payment enough. And of course you have a history of depression, you can't conceive. How many parents who adopt for that reason can say that they have never been depressed?

When treated, my depression is fine. Also, I don't harm people. In fact, I've worked in child care and was told that I'm excellent with children. BUT, I know the government would discriminate. It's sad because I have a good home to give baby. Oh, I knew someone who couldn't adopt because she was diabetic. She had it under perfect control, too. It's crazy...

Oh well, just have to keep TTC...

Hi :wave:
Gee God is being blamed again for something going wrong in a persons life. I am sure he must feel sad too when he keeps getting blamed for everything bad that happens to humans. Deep in your soul do you really think it is Gods fault that at the moment you and others can not fall pregnant. No it is an upset within you. Can I recommend that you go see a Herbalist, she will set you right and that little soul that is wandering around you will be taken by you.
We never know why things happen, but in the end it all works out right. Stay well
Angelsalive :angel:

I am in a similar situation to you now but 10 years ago i was so desperate to have a child i prayed night and day. I bargined with God and i even went to church as often as i could . Well, i did become pregnant and i had a healthy beautifull baby girl. Sadly she died of cot death at 5 months. My whole world fell apart and i couldnt have hated God more.I became pregnant again the next year and had a miscarriage, another girl.By now my relationship with God was not a good one!!.Once again, a year to the day i miscarried i became pregnant and i gave birth to a healthy baby boy at the age of 26.When my son was 4 he was diagnosed with Autism. I put my heart and soul in to helping him and at my lowest point i went to light a candle in church and prayed for some help. It was when i was leaving the church an old lady past by me on her way out she turned to me and said " my dear, God does everything for a reason and he only picks the special ones to do his work" and she walked off. Well i shrugged at that and thought well he could have picked someone else!.My sons condition caused a great strain on my marriage and we eventually divorced. Ten years later i met a lovely man we married and tried starting a family. Low and behold nothing was happening. After tests came back his sperm count was low and i will have to have fertility drugs and IUI at a cost of £750 a cycle. Now at the age of 36 i find my self coming full circle again but this time i know that everything happens for a reason.

That's a touching story. You know, they can give your husband medication (hormones) for his sperm count. I know I shouldn't blame God, and I probably shouldn't get into a religious discussion on this board, but I just don't understand him sometimes. If he doesn't let me have children, he better make darn sure there is someone to take care of me when I'm 80. Sigh.

Paula

Dear Paula :wave:
I know you don't mean that, because none of us have our children to look after us in old age. We have them to bring love and joy into this world and our lives and we hope that they make a diference. They are from birth their own masters and we as parents are there to guide them, We never do own them. If they stay close to our hearts they will naturally tend to own needs in old age, but are never resposnible for us. We need to plan and make our own arrangements. May be a change of thoughts will help any little soul select you. Good Luck
Angelsalive :angel:

As in Jasmine J's post, you need to stop blaming God and start trusting him. I have been trying to get pregnant now for 11 months and in a few short weeks it will be 1 year, but I trust God.

You see, in my story before I spoke of my daughter who had spinal meningitis. It took me a year and a half to get pregnant with her, then after God answered my prayer, in his time not mine, my baby became deathly ill. Did I blame God? NO, I gave even more trust to him and gave my baby into his hands, as also Jasmine J did with her daughter. The difference is God answered our prayers differently.

There is a reason God took that special baby, maybe he couldn't bare to see this child live with a day in pain, pain so severe that he could not put the baby through it. Or maybe he did this to test her faith, strengthen her, and prepare her for her wonderful son. To have a REAL knowledge that this child is a "gift" not a problem, as I have realized with my own daughter who has severe ADHD and I handle it with no medication, only focusing and consentration excercises. She is not a medical problem, or stupid, she is a gift that God gave to me because he knew I could handle it. Although I wonder sometimes myself :)

I had a miscarraige at 10 weeks with my second pregnancy, I went to the ER and the Dr's did an ultrasound, I saw the baby, saw the heart beating, and I was overjoyed, until I saw the look on the nurses face. I was told to go home and rest. I was told by the DR's to bring the baby back for "testing" if I miscarried. Well, I did and as I held my baby in my hands I stared at it, it had 2 dark circles where the eyes were supposed to be, 5 little stubs for fingers on each hand and 5 little stubs for toes on each foot already. It was small, about 3/4 the size of my palm. The only thing I could think about was, is it's heart still beating? I am sorry I got so graphic, but I know now that sharing my story not only helped me deal with the loss but almay also help others who have experienced the same thing.

Again, I did not blame God, I got on my knees and prayed. I was so hurt, all I could do was cry. I didn't understand why he would give me a baby only to take it awat, but I knew that all things he does are for a reason and therefore I trusted in him. Within 6 months I was pregnant with my second daughter, perfect pregnancy, perfect child. And again I am back to where I began, trying to get pregnant, but I know it will happen, not in my time but in his. :angel:

Paula, I have to say something...like others, I am touched by your post. I am very faithful to my religion and I want you to know God knows your heart. Instead of always asking God for that precious baby please Praise Him for the things you do have. You are fortunate enough to care for a child and you have a loving husband. You have a roof over your head and food to eat...be thankful for those things. When you Praise God for the good He's given you He WILL continue to give you more if your heart truely desires it. If you lose your faith in Him it's as if you never Prayed to begin with. I was told I would never carry a baby to full term...well I have my little Miracle. I've lost 4 others and I want more, but I just thank God for the Blessing he did give me. God doesn't bring any evil or hate onto man/woman! Please remain strong with your love towards Him. I will Pray for you and your husband and I hope you all take care!

Normorcrazy, actually, I have no children. (You said I was fortunate enough to care for a child). I've never been pregnant. Thank you for the sentiments, though. :)

I know...I'm saying you have the funds and the ability to care for one when you are given one. Some people can have children and are just unable to care for them. You will get your little baby and you will feel complete when you do. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Take care!

Remember the song Garth Brooks sang? "Unanswered prayers"? There is a verse in that song that says "Just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he doesn't care" Maybe it's just not your time yet and God knows that. Please don't think He hates you and be thankful for the gifts you DO have in your life. Stay positive and keep your chin up! :bouncing:

SPEISFAMILY,
Thank you ((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))).

Please don't get discouraged. I am also 32 and have been TTC 2 years and finally faced a fertility specialist, hence I am on this site. It's hard to look at others who have children who are not necessairly looking after them the way you think the child should be, but it isn't our place to judge them either. People do the best they can with the circumstances they are given.
God doesn't hate anyone. We can't bargin with god and make deals with him. Believe me I have tried. Put your faith in yourself. Mindset can be everything. Start doing things for yourself. Treat yourself as your number one priority so when you are blessed with a child you will be able to give the child the very best thing in the world, a set of happy, healthy parents.
As far as your depression, consider international adoption. There are programs which will help with finances and they do not discriminate against parents who have disabilities or past medical histories.
Log on here for support, we are all in the same boat. I am so encouraged by this board and when I found it, I was at a pretty low point and thinking maybe it wasn't meant to be.
Take care of yourself.
Marie

Thank you. I'll keep that in mind about the international adoptions if it comes to that. :)

This is my first post here. I came across this thread and can't believe someone has the same feelings as I do. I am soon to be 36 years old. I have one son who is 6 and is autistic with sensory dysfunction. My first argument with God was about my son and I lost all faith. It's been two years and counting baby dancing and no pregnancy yet. I just found out I have a double-horned uterus and pregnancy may be impossible.

My son was a wonderful surprise. My husband and I weren't trying...it just happened. Now we are trying and we are not having any luck. Please know you and I and everyone else here with these feelings are not alone. I am so happy to have found this board. Everyone here seems very supportive. I too worry about getting older...I guess it's all in God's hands now...*sigh* :confused:

Oh honey! God doesn't hate you!. I know exactly how you feel. Before my hysterectomy (at 26, now 38) I would cry every month when my period started. I wanted a child so badly my arms would ache just thinking of holding one. When I was diagnosed I fought for four years to try and get "healthy" but it just wasn't meant to be. After the pathology report came back the doc told me I had probably been pg several times but I just could not sustain the pregnancy.

My point is, everything happens for a reason. It was very painful but after awhile I lifted my head and saw all the beautiful children that were and are in my life. I love being "cool aunt Mary" the one that gets them all the neat noisy stuff mom and dad won't. (My siblings aren't thrilled but what the heck)
You can have an amazing and meaningful life and still impact the lives of the children around you.

God doesn't hate you, I hope and pray that you will someday hold your child in your arms. If for some reason you don't, it just means he has other plans for you. You are a beautiful child of God and he is beside you every step of the way through this difficult journey.

God Bless :angel:

God loves you and blesses you with strength to bear the burdon you carry (though you may not know it). Remember god will judge those who have the ablity to have kids, yet abuse or abort these babies. There is a great responsibility that comes with having children. I was one of those people who became very upset upon discovering I was pregnant since it happened so quickly and unplanned. I was even praying I would miscarry since I was so caught up in my own selfishness. When my boyfriend (now husband) told his family they said something that struck me. My husband has a sister and a sister in law both infertile. His mother was crying and said to his sister "life is unfair isn't it. Here Nick gets a girl pregnant in no time yet you and marren can't have children and desperatley want them." After we were married and I came face to face with women who couldn't have children and the pain it caused them I had a different outlook. I looked at the pregnancy as a blessing instead of a burdon. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and god cannot always intervein. My 2 sister-in-laws are both very religeous and they said rather than blaming god they turn to him and he helps them cope and they are ok with circumstances. Actually with the miracles of firtilty drugs and Invitro I think it is god's way of offsetting abortion. Did you know there are 1.2 million abortions in the United states each year? Sad isn't it.

:wave: Hi Ladies,

Please don't feel like God hates you, he really doesn't! When something goes wrong in our lives it's so much easier to blame it on him, but he's going to carry you through this, you just have to believe.

My husband and I have to go through IVF to try to concieve a child and it's a painful thing to have to endure. I'm scared out of my wits and there are even times when I start thinking, "do I want to do this?" The answer is always yes. Sure, I have to go through some pain, but my hope and prayer is that at the end we'll have a baby. We are all good people i'm sure and when obstacles come in our way we tend to feel cheated. However, standing strong and being prayerful and faithful to God will help you in such a big way in the end! He will multiply your blessings. We all have burdens to bare, but it's how we handle those burdens that makes a difference.

If we can't have a children of our own, there are many of them out here that we can adopt to make our own and love. So there are many options available to all of us.

God bless you all and I wish you many, many, many blessings on your journies to having healthy happy children. :angel:

PaulaRoet
I understand. I really try to be a good person. I try to do the "right" thing everyday. I teach. I use to pray every day. I look at my life and wonder why. God must not like me or think I would not be a good mom. I can't help but wonder what I did to upset "him".

Have you tried different tests, such as hystopingogram, tyroid tests, blood work, or vaginal ultrasounds? Try to stay positive.

OK, I am going to get biblical on ya all so here I go.

People often wonder, why does God allow bad things to happen. Why are some women infertile, why do people get cancer, why did God allow the World Trade Centers to fall. I have the answer. It all began with Adam and Eve. See they were perfect. They never had to worry about their weight, getting old and wrinkly, getting sick, having babies, or even dying. That's right, they had it made. Only one rule, don't eat the fruit. Because God told them not to, it would be a sin if they disobeyed. Well, they sinned and ate the fruit anyway, isn't just like children to do the opposite of what their father says to do, go figure. Anyway, now we are all screwed because of their sin. God told them that they would surely die if they ate that fruit, and he was right. Now, not only Adam and Eve, but everyone has to deal with the drawbacks of sin. It causes sickness, bareness, weight gain, wrinkles, and pain. Now there was another death as well, a spiritual death. You see when people are not living in God's will and doing what he asks them to do (try not to sin, go to church, read his word, and pray) then there is a seperation from God. Just like dark is the absence of light and cold is the absence of heat, evil is the absence of God. So that explains the murders, world disasters and so forth. Are you all following along? I know it's long but I feel it needs to be explained here on this thread.

Now you might think that we are all doomed, but NO. In fact God has offered us everything that Adam and Eve once had. We can have the best body, no aging, no pain, no hurt, no sorrow, and no death. That's right, I'm talking about Heaven. God has offered a way to redeam ourselves through the shedding of his beloved son, Jesus Christ, on the cross. If we will simply admit that we have tried living this life on our own and miserably failed then he will forgive us and take all the pain and burdens off of our shoulders and carry them for us. He will forget every sin we have ever committed and give us a new start. If we ask him to come into our hearts and take away the sorrow that was there he will replace it for joy. If you dedicate your life to doing his will (try not to sin, go to church, read his word, and pray) then you will be offered this perfect life in Heaven that I spoke of earlier. Now I said try not to sin, because, come on, no one is perfect. In fact the bible says, No one is sinless, no not one. That is except Jesus. But we must make an effort to try.

Ok, onto the offer we have right here on earth. Jesus is the master physician. He is a healer, can I get an Amen. I am the one with the daughter who was healed of spinal meningitis after the Dr's told me to make funeral arrangements. If you have the faith of a mustard seed (the size of a grain of salt) then you can be healed. That's not much. God does answer prayers, do not think that he does not hear your prayers. But sometimes the answer may be No, for reasons we won't understand until we get to Heaven. He has a plan for your life and to you it looks like a bunch of tangled thread, but if you look at the picture from his side of the canvas you can see a beautiful and complete stitchwork. Trust in his plan and God bless everyone of you.

Christina,
27/f
TTC for 1 year, still praying. :angel:

Christina.... I understand what you've siad here, but it still does not make it any easier to comprehend. By that I mean, I know God has a plan - but I'm frustrated by the fact that I see I have done nothing wrong to deserve 2 years of ttc with no luck. It hurts. I don't want you to feel that I'm cutting on what you said - I'm not. All I am saying is that hearing what you said doesn't make it any easier - at least for me it doesn't. I certainly hope God has a plan and that his plan involves me and my wonderful dh having a family of children. I am a school teacher and love the kids I work with, but I just want the opportunity to see my own child grow and learn lifes lessons. I don't think those of us ttc are asking for too much. Maybe I'm wrong..... :confused:
Thanks -- and good luck to you. smiles & hugs :angel: