Hi Penny! Since your professional was nursing, here are some funnies I hope with cheer you up and speed your healing process! :jester:

Cal Sun :cool:

A retired nurse in her 70's was a pateint in the ICU. She was alert but a bit disoriented after her surgery. In a nearby cubicle, a confused elderly male patient was having difficulty settling down. Whenever he was left alone he
would shout out, "Nurse, Nurse!" relentlessly. At one point, his neighbor, the retired nurse, shouted back from her bed, "I'm busy right now, but I'll be there in a minute." -Fran London, RN

HOW TO KNOW YOUR PATIENT IS A NURSE

*Takes her own pulse while you get the temperature
*Asks if she'll be NPO tonight
*Lists her pills generically
*Can thread an IV tubing through the armhole of a gown without making any knots
*Brings a "Living Will" with her on admission and understands it
*Makes her own bed--and the roommate's, too, if she can get to it
*Takes out her own IV and foley catheter
*Calls out suggestions to the code team when her roommate arrests
--Nancy Burden, RN

As I was eating breakfast one morning
I overhead two oncologists conversing
One was complaining bitterly, "You know, Bob, I just don't understand it. We used the same drugs, the same dosage, the same schedule, and the same entry criteria. Yet I got a 22 percent response rate and you got a 74 percent. That's unheard of for metastatic lung cancer. How do you do it?"
His colleague replied, "We're both using Etoposide, Platino, Oncovin, and Hydrousyurea. YOu call yours EPOH. I tell my patients I'm giving them HOPE. As dismal as the statistics are, I emphasis that we have a chance."
Dr Buchholz

Hope sees the invisible
feels the intangible
and achieves the impossible!

I was doing a sexual history on my patient at the time of her Pap test. I asked my 80 year old if she was sexually active, and she replied, "Well, not active, active--not every night!!!!"
Sandra Crandall, RN, FNP

I have what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful. Bob Hope

When someone has a personal phone call during a hectic time in our emergency room, we use the code, "Dr. Jones is on the phone!" This provides discretion when one is with a patient. One busy night, Christie's nine-year old son called for the second time that night. Christie was treating a man with a minor laceration right outside the nurse's station, so it was easy to attract her attention.
"Oh Christie, Dr Jones is calling, " I said. Christie asked the man to keep pressure on the wound, and headed for the phone.
The patient overheard when Christie narled, "What did I tell you mister? You get into that tub immediately!" and slammed down the phone. She never noticed her patient's wide eyes. But he did follow her every instruction! :D
Vince Maravek, RN

A LIST OF BOOKS ABOUT NEW AGE TOPICS

*There's No Mind, Never Mind--and Zen Some by Roshi Alzheimer
*I Never Metaphysics I Didn't Like, by Will Tulku Rogers
*A Knife Thrower's Guide to Acupuncture, by Guy Fat Fang
*Everybody Needs Samadhi Sometime, by Paramahansa Yogananda Parlez-Vous?
* The Egyptian Book of Dead Jokes by Pharoah Hohotep
*Dont Fall Off a Limb, by Surely Deranged

To encourage patients to take deep breaths after surgery, nurses, or respiratory therapists will teach the patient to use inspirometers. Several years ago, a popular model included a chamber with three plastic balls, which when the patient blew into the mouthpiece hard enough the balls would rise to the top of the chamber.
The young male respiratory therapist had been working with 85 year old Mrs. M. every hour, and she was growing weary. As he entered the room for the ninth time, the patient announced, "Looky here,, sonny. You can just blow your own balls!" Patty Wooten, RN

You know you're getting older when you stoop to tie your shoes and you ask yourself. "What else can I do while I'm down here?" George Burns

I had just finished applying a condom catheter to my slightly confused 70 yr old patient, when he scolded me: "Does your mother know what you do for a living?" Patty Wooten, RN

Ten minutes of genuine belly laughter had an anesthetic effect and would give me at least two hours of pain-free sleep. Norman Cousins

I was working in the ER during my 3rd year as a resident in cardiology. The ambulance had brought a man into the hospital in full cardiac arrest. While the rest of the team was busy with the Code, I went out to interview the wife about the possible causes.
She explained to me: "Well, we was making love, and he just started shakin' and shakin' and turnin' blue. I couldn't figure out if he was comin' or goin'. Finally, I figured out he was goin' so I called 911." M. Grais, MD

Warning: Humor may be hazardous to your illness

I was preparing to leave the hospital when one of the doctors gave me some last minute instructions. He tole me to wait two weeks before I had sex and six weeks before I drove a car. Or was it the other way around? I was still a little foggy and the entire discussion confused me, so I just promised him that I wouldn't have sex and drive at the same time and let it go at that. Lewis Grizzard

Sending lots of prayers and hugs. :angel: I know you'll get well! :)