Well here it is.... last week I was telling you that my bbs were sore and I felt a little different - things were off. Well, we had a good week - took my step son to the zoo and Six Flags. This weekend we went camping (dh had a softball tournament too) - had a good time. Until last night. We were on our way home (I didn't tell dh) I had cramping. I just thought that (rather HOPING!) maybe I was going to have some implantation bleeding that I had heard about. We got home and I had some spotting (told dh about that, and how I was hoping it was implantation spotting). This morning I woke up and I had gone to the bathroom - FULL BLOWN AF is here. I am SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW. I just don't understand it.
I think I am having a harder time due to the fact that dh's son is with us through this week and now I see him and it hurts worse -- It hurts SO much worse knowing that his ex gave him his son..... and what can I do for him??? I can't even get pg!!! And right now NO one knows why. I am so angry and upset I just don't understand why God is doing this to me. I would be a good mom and I don't get it!!!!!!!!!! My dog is looking at me right now and I just wondering if that is the only type of "child" I will ever get. Right now I feel as if it is.
Alright... my dh took his son to the store, and I need to call the doctor to see if I can still have the lap done on the 9th of Aug even thought that will be time of ovulation. I need to pull it together and see what I can get done. Thanks for hearing me out. I just don't get it.
.... How are you and dh doing? When is his surgery scheduled for?? Isn't it today?? Let me know what happens and how you are doing!!!
:angel:

Hi Jen- I am sooooooooooo sorry to hear that AF showed up- and early, to add insult to injury :mad: I know this whole thing is VERY frustrating, but you can't let it get the best of you. It does seem so unfair to have to go through all of these painful & invasive tests and heartaches month after month for something that happens naturally for most people! And to think of all the "accidents" and unwanted children out there, when here we are with empty arms. All of this can make you insane, so try and be positive and do what you can to help the situation (like scheduling your LAP). Of course there will be hopeless days (like Cycle Day 1) and mopey days (watching Lifetime for Women movies all day or Birth Stories on the Health Channel :dizzy: ) but after that, we have to pick ourselves up and make the best of things. Maybe your DH's ex gave him a son, but obviously you have given him a whole lot more- that is why he is married to YOU and not her! I'm sure he would tell you the same thing and I know he is not looking at it as something you can't give him. I know what you mean about looking at your dog and wondering if he will be your only "child"- I do the same thing with my cats!

Well, DH's surgery was today and everything went okay. He was soooooooo scared and nervous beforehand. Right now he is in a lot of pain, but hopefully it should subside in a couple of days. For now he has Motrin and Percaset (sp?) to help manage the pain. His mother came down to be with him (us) which was really nice. I don't make the greatest nurse :( I almost gave him 1600 mg of motrin instead of 800 mg - oops! :eek:

Lots of hugs to you! :wave:

Glad to hear that your DH's surgery went good. How are things on your end with tests and such?? Are you still taking your temp in the mornings? Any sign of AF for you???
DH and I talked last night - and both of us kind of wonder if I m/c. But I'm not so sure any more... AF has slowed down to her normal pace for me - it just started off SO bad and SO strong that we wondered.
Thank you Rachel for your kind and wonderful words. I really appreciate what you had to say. It was a VERY rough day yesturday! DH's son asked why I was so sad, so DH told him (off to the side) that we were hoping to give him a little brother or sister but it didn't happen this month. SS (step-son 8 yrs old) was sad, but gave me hugs and was more understanding when he understood why I was sad. DH does understand and is great with me. He hurts too - as we talked a ton last night. It mad eme feel better to hear that he hurts - even though he doesn't express it to me - as he wants to be the strong one, cuz he totally knows I am the emotional one!!! I thought I was the only one who thought that about my dog!!! I know that DH married me - but when I was down it just hurt so bad to look into SS eyes and see that he wasn't mine. He does call me mom - but its not the same thing. I want a little baby to hold MY fingers (and DH's too) - I want DH and I to have a baby that calls US his/her parents. I just hurt. Although, today I am doing better than I was yesturday. I feel more alright with the situation.
I do have my lap scheduled -- but I have to get in touch with the doc so that I can find out if we can still do it on the 9th of Aug. Here's why: When I was in, the doc & nurse were talking about ovulation possibly occuring around that time, but then they said that wouldn't be the issue..... WELL... now I think it might be bec AF showed up early. That would mean that 9Aug would be day 14. So, I need to get some answers.
THANK YOU SOOO SOOO MUCH for your wonderful and meaningful words of wisdom. I needed to hear what you had to say. Its funny cuz I thought I would get the words u said from my best friend, but she is so into her children that she doesn't offer me the wors that I need to hear. *Plus, you are going through this too so you understand what I'm feeling!! THANK YOU SO MUCH RACHEL! You are an :angel: You and DH deserve to have

STICKY BABY DUST AND LOTS OF IT. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hugs to you!!!

Jen, I am glad you are feeling a little better today :) . It sounds like DH expressing his feelings really helped you cope with the arrival of AF. CD 1 is always such a horrible day, since know matter what, you always hold out in the back of your mind that this will be THE month! And it only makes it harder when you time everything perfectly and have PG-like symptoms. I can only imagine how it feels to have a SS because I am not in that situation. But I do know how it feels when EVERYONE around you is getting pregnant! 3 of my closest friends just had babies, my SIL is due in Dec, and my sister will be trying in the fall. She is seven years younger, so that is going to be a real hard pill to swallow if she gets PG before me. I am expecting AF on Thursday, if this is going to be a 29 day cycle, I don't think I have had any shorter than that. I have had a little pre-cramping which is unusual, but not getting my hopes up. It seems like every time I think I figure out my exact PMS symptoms, they change! Clomid might be having an effect too, I guess I will just skip it this month since I had to cancel my PC appointment. My next step is to schedule a post coital once AF starts so I can make it on an appropriate day. Beyond that point hasn't been discussed with the Dr. Well it's time to give DH his meds. Hang in there!! :bouncing:

Jen,

I am new (well, back) to the board. I just wanted to tell you that I totally know how you are feeling. I have an 8 year old step daughter, and the two years that I was ttc, it was so upsetting. I would pull into my garage, and take deep breaths after work when I knew she was in the house before I could pull myself together to go in. And, it didn't help that the ex calls every other day with issues about SD, and I always wished that if I had a child of my own, I would feel as important in DH eyes than the ex thought she was in my husbands. Obviously, that's not the reason I wanted a baby, but I used to imagine how things would be better if we had our own child. And, SD doesn't call me mom, and it would just kill me when she would get upset at night (like almost every night she is with us) and say, "I want my mommy." I'm not expressing well at all what I am trying to say, other than, I know how you feel, having a SD or SS makes it worse I think. Please try to stay positive. I don't know your whole situation or how long you have been ttc, but you sound like a very loving person who will make a great mom someday, hopefully soon! Good luck with your lap. I have PCOS and am going for child #2 starting this month. My OB just took all my blood work again, and I am starting on glucophage on Monday (don't feel like starting this weekend b/c its hard to drink beer and we are going camping). We are going to try on our own with only the glucophage until January b/c of my insurance, but I go to the RE on September 20th to see if I will need any surgery prior to January (fibroid tumors also).

Take care & good luck. I hope today is a better day for you.

- Jody

Jody ~ Thanks for the words of encouragement. I really appreciate them. My SS does not live with us - he visits us. This visit he has been here for a week and a half (will be two wks before he goes home) - but this trip has been hard with finding out I'm not pg, and dealing with his temper tantrums (his mom lets him get away with murder! She does so much FOR him rather than making him do things himself--- its easier on her!). Its been a long couple of days. The first week was good -- but this week is hitting me harder with already spoken of reasons. SS will call me mom to other people, but not to me - like when he is speaking of us to visitors he will say "I'm with my mom & dad." That makes me feel good - but its just not the same.

This time around with AF I was more upset b/c DH thinks it may have been a m/c. I kind of think so -- but not as much as he thinks. DH is a Corpsman in the Navy - so he knows medicine pretty good - did labor & delivery for a few years. I'm leaning more toward the AF due to the fact that its already gone. But with my bbs hurting the way they were and with how strong AF came on -- I am wondering.. but not putting much thought into it now.

It is hard having SS here - I love him to pieces, but I just want one of dh's and my own. We have wanted one for so so long.... I just wish and wish some more. I guess my birthday wish back on 17July didn't come true. Oh well - I'll have to keep wishing & dreaming. I am optomistic today.... well - right now I am! hahah.

Jody - I wish you the best... keep me posted on what's happening with you! I feel that these boards have helped me so much. Rachel has done a GREAT job of helping support me - as I do for her. Its wonderful to have friendships like these to help when we're in time of crisis -- and need someone who's gone through it to support!!

Rachel -- I didn't realize you were on clomid. How long have you been on it? My doc won't speak of drugs until I go through all the tests -- which I understand... but I also want to kick this into gear!!! I should be talking about drugs here soon -- depending on the lap and post-coital (which should happen some time after the lap). THANKS again for the words of support. You hang in there too.....

Ladies - our time WILL come... I am sure of it! Hang in there... and

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* BABY "STICKY" DUST ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* at you both!!!

Hugs -- :angel: