:confused:
Hi, I need some "quick" advice.....!!
My fiance' and I met on-line.....we got engaged July 11th..of this year. I love him alot.....but, I live in California, and he lives in Maryland. He has come out to visit me twice so far...and I would like to visit him...but. for varias financial reasons, one, not having a fulltime job, has stopped me from visiting him. He has decided until I can do that ,he will visit me....so that isn't much of a problem, however,,,, lately, he has been VERY upset(to the point of crying, on the phone) that he "JUST HAS TO BE WITH ME) and this is a man that is 52 years of age(I am a 41 year old female). I KNOW that we "really connected" and he views me as "his other half" like the "lifemate" that he has been searching for all of his lifetime.(He has been married /divorced three times.....and has four kids.....two all grown, and two young ones...that live with their mom, but, he does see them, and pay child support) .
He really "knows" that with me, it is "highly special" as we have found that we have so much in common, and we have quickly bonded.(in a few months time) Like I said, more of a "magical connection" if I can be honest as possible here! But, this is the big problem.......he wants me to move within a few months....and we talked and talked about it....his attitude is "just toss out my stuff...you can always "rebuy" this stuff later on"..which I do NOT want to do.....he tells me about the times when he was in the Air Force and he HAD to move all of his belongings, and toss it out.....when he really didn't have any choice to do so.....a lot of things that he didn't want to get rid of...so now he thinks that I can do that too!
I am being resilient......I do NOT want to do this.....I know that there is a lot of stuff that I CAN without a doubt toss out....but.... then there is stuff that I have "collected" that I can't get this stuff anywhere else....and I will be *&^%# if I MUST get rid of it....I do not wish to......I want to know...if I am being ridiculous....or if he is truly NOT an understanding person...or that something is VERY WRONG, or if some people are like this, and others are not.
I would much prefer to "stand my ground" with this issue....but, he does this "crying act" with me......and he tells me "we do not seem to be getting any closer to "being closer" or being together.....for life.

I hope that this is making some sense...please tell me what you all think..this is frustrating me alot!!! I do not know what to do.HEELLPPP!!! ANYBODY?!!??? :rolleyes: :confused: :bouncing:
Nightowl2

Here's my thoughts....You need to keep your stuff, at least the stuff you have collected. They are a part of you and he needs to understand that. Men are so good at the guilt thing, don't fall for it. What if for some horrible, unthinkable reason, this 4th time for him doesn't work out, either? Then you will truly have nothing. If he wants to be with you that bad, then he will make arrangements to get you AND your things with him. That's alot to ask of a person, to throw out everything. More than reasonable, I think. I hope this helps.

Good Luck
Nicole

Well I am happy for you that you have found that "magical connection". However I must say, your a grown woman, and he has to know, you have collected these things throughout the course of your lifetime. When he was in the air force, I imagine he didnt have a lifetime of valuable items to him, with him. I personally think you have to stand your ground, You certainly are in a dilemma, but you cant throw away things you cherish, irreplaceable things. Good luck to you.

B

This is one of those questions where you have to go with your own heart. Some people would say absolutely not, don't let him bully you into getting rid of your stuff, others would say who cares, it's just stuff, not nearly as important as the man you love. All I can say is this is how I look at it: I'm a rather sentimental person. I could do without things like my bookcase, my bed, my dresser, etc. However, I have things like photo albums, figurine collections, my record albums and cds, musical instruments, that I could and would never get rid of. These things are part of me, and anyone who loved me truly would never ask me to get rid of these things. He's expecting you to deal with this situation the same way he did way back when. He's not being sensitive to the fact that you are not him, and you do not feel and deal the same way he does. Which may explain why he's been divorced three times. My father is the same way. Expects the whole world to march to his drum.If someone really loves you, they don't do that to you, I don't think. If it were me, I'd tell him I see no good reason to part with my valuables and there must be a way to compromise, there must be a way to deal with this without my getting rid of all my valuables. IF he turns on the tears again, just remember that country song by Amy Dalley, Men Don't Change, where she says "be suspicious if he cries." I guess I must be a rare and weird woman, in that a man crying has the opposite effect on me. It turns me off, and even annoys me and makes me even more dead set toward getting my way, because I know that more often than not, when a man cries, it's most likely a manipulation tactic rather than real emotion.

I understand what he means because I'm an Army child and I had to move out lots of times.
You asked if you are not an understanding person and I think it's totally the opposite, he's the one who is not understanding. I'm only 23 and I know that many people don't understand me because they haven't been through what I've been through, so I understand when people can't get rid of things I don't think are important...
You are going to move out of your state to his... that's something huge you're gonna do for him... the least he can do is to find a way to move you and your stuff... I think he's acting REALLY selfish... he should grow up!
But... that's just my opinion...
Sol

Maybe I'm the only one, but I see red flags flying all over the place.
He's rushing you, crying out of desperation, moving you from your home, and has been married & divorced THREE times??

I'd not only say "No" I'd be history altogether...

Seems like he wants to control the relationship.Take a step back and see what the rush is.You"ve only met twice and "bonded" for only a few months.
Good luck with this.

Ruth-
No you are not the only one. I was seeing red flags too. The way I see it, if you don't want to get rid of your stuff then don't. If you toss your stuff out for him then I can't imagine the resentment you'll start to have towards him for forcing you to do something you simply do not want to do. I think there is alot more going on here than him asking you to throw your stuff out so you can be with him. I would pace this and I wouldn't do anything unless you are 100% sure with your decision. I just think something does not add up.

Whew - thanks eg,
Makes me want to do a little investigation on where the 3 ex-wives are and what their side of the story is.
If he's rushing you to leave everything it's very possible he is trying to burn your bridges behind you - so that you are far from home & friends before you really get to know what he is like or what the whole story is.

Just slam on the ol' brakes and tell this man "I need to know you longer before making such changes & by the way, could I meet the mothers of my future stepchildren first - even by phone? See what he says to that...

My "quick" thoughts. You've met 2 times and are engaged. Just take some time and REALLY think about that. Oh, did I say "take some time"? :)

Maybe I'm the only one, but I see red flags flying all over the place.
He's rushing you, crying out of desperation, moving you from your home, and has been married & divorced THREE times??

I'd not only say "No" I'd be history altogether...

No, you're not alone in this one... the thing is that you were the only one brave enough to say it out loud ;)

Sol

Everyone is right here....I will say that his emotions is what is making you feel like this. He is being very unfair about this. You both are two different people with connects in other ways. He may beable t toss stuff out but you are clearly not that type.

Follow your heart on what is mos important. If you move over there you will be starting a new life. You have to make sure that there is somthing for YOU over there besides him. If you both dont work out you may not be finacially allset to move back....You have to lan for YOU and not just him.

Why can't he move where you are?

No way should you give up your things to move in with this man. If you are bound and determined to do so then rent a storage unit to keep your things in where you currently live. You can pay the monthly fee by mail or debit card. When and if you decide your relationship is really going to work out then you can retrieve your things.

I am in a somewhat similar situation, but we are not yet to the point of being affianced or moving. I am a long-time member of a computer-related website. Sometime after my husband died in 2001 I started keeping an online journal there: http://www.dslreports.com/forum/remark,4028927~mode=flat. Many site members read my journal, but one in particular was reading it, although he was unknown to me. Suddenly, in the last week of December 2003, I got an instant message from him. He said that he had been reading my journal since day one and that he felt he could trust me and that I was an understanding and caring person. He went on to explain that he had just lost his wife a few days ago to a long term illness and wondered if I would mind corresponding with him. We talked and talked via instant message for months and things just progressed from there.

Now, almost eight months later, we are very close. He has been to visit me once, I have visited him once, next month he is coming here for my 50th :eek: birthday and again for Thanksgiving. The subject of my son and I moving there has been broached just last weekend, but we decided to discuss it further in 6 weeks face-to-face. If anyone were to be moving it would be me because he makes probably 5 times the salary I do and works for a multi-national corporation whereas I work for a small children's book publisher and could even do my job from out of state.

Anyway, he would never ask me to leave behind my things if I were to go be with him. He knows lots of stuff comes with me. A son, age 11, 5 cats, a dog, and tons of crap collected over my almost 50 years of living. If he were to ask that of me then I would have problems with that.

Good luck to you!

thanks for your input....I did talk to him again.....and regarding the strong feelings (which are love, and which I have NEVER felt with any other man in my life..I would not be willing to give HIM up, just to let some of you out there know ....I am deeply in-love with him....I know that I love him because I haven't felt this way about anyone else in my whole life...and so, I asked him on the net, if HE would consider marrying me!!! He said yes!(do you know that with all of the ex marriages he was in...he was NOT planning to fall in love again, nor even try to meet another woman for a "serious type" of relationship!!!) He actually considered becoming a "priest" because his marriages (which he had tried sooo hard on) just didn't work..and he felt lousy and frightened after having gone thru them. He has really fallen hard for me..and I have to say, that he is truly a most wonderful and terrific man.....the best that I have had so far..and I have gone thru "my own group" of men the past 22 years!!! (Not a ton of them, but, all of them, I sure would NOT marry if I had had the chance!!!)
I am quite sure that HE is "THE ONE"!!!!

Well, regarding the "stuff" we talk about it..even though it bothers him that I am where I am, and he is where he is at....alot!!!

Well, I am working on the financial situation.....it is a huge pain in the you know what at this time...but, I am doing WHAT I can to speed up "the process"...but, it ain't gonna happen anytime real soon, ya know? I can ONLY do what I can.....:-( thanks for the help!!! I appreciate it alot!


NIghtowl2 :D :cool: :wave: :bouncing:

Dear Nightowl2,
I see read flags here too. My second husband and I met and had a whirlwind relationship for three months and then got married. We lived close to each other and saw each other every day. I too fell madly in love with him and he with me. Problem was that 3 months wasn't enough time for true colors to show. Those first 3 months were wonderful, we had this amazing connection, and we both thought this was it! but after the honeymood, his and my true personalitys and the baggage we brought along with us became apparent. We both had on our best behavior and showed our best emotions during our courtship and after we married, our guards came down and relaxed and all those high emotions came to an end when real life problems had to be dealth with on a daily basis. It was a hard lesson for me to learn that it takes time....to nurture a relationship...to come to know a person....their family...their friends...who they were before we met and to come to know and see all of who the person is in the here and now.

Maybe this is true love for you and him but if this is true love between the two of you, it will remain and grow while you take the time to get to know each other on a mundane level. Love doesn't disappear because you can not see each other on a regular basis. I suggest getting the money somehow (maybe he could help out with the finances) and make a trip to his home town not with the intention of moving, but to get to know him better. Take a few weeks to visit him and get to know his family, friends, children and him on his own turf before taking such a drastic step of moving yourself permantly to another state and leaving your life behind. The cost of visiting him for a few weeks may be far less expensive in the long run than moving your whole life only to find out it wasn't what you expected and need to start life over again.

Best wishes on your journey,
SaraLee

My fiance" has since apologized because of his "behavior"...he is extremely worried about getting or not getting a job that he was /is waiting to hear about...in another state.He is pretty frantic about it...and he sort of pushed a lot of his worries onto me...and has since told me that he was really, really sorry for turning into a "beast"(not the actual word he used) but you can get the jist!!
So, maybe things will work out....but. I am still hoping to get to know him a little slower...my mother has met him...although, I do not know what she actually thought, as she had to leave on a trip, so I will find out next week when she returns..(I hope that she liked him though!!)
thanks!
Nightowl2 :wave: :cool: :rolleyes: :angel:

well i've just read this post and the first thing that enters my mind is that you hardly know this guy face to face! you don't visit him and he's only come out to see you twice. Are you sure that's a good basis for an engagement? You're having doubts now and you don't even hardly know each other right? I think you should seriously think everything through before making huge mistakes at your time of life.

I don't know what you found magical about him online but he doesnt sound very magical to me from what i read. Make sure you haven't been suckered in by his online alter ego while you fail to see the real man behind it.

good luck

No, you're not alone in this one... the thing is that you were the only one brave enough to say it out loud ;)

Sol

well...*ahem*...I mentioned it too! :p

It takes two to have a divorce - and THREE divorces definitely leaves room enough for errors on both sides.
Aren't you at all curious to find out the ex-wives side of the story before you marry this man?

This whole scenario honestly frightens me considering the rushing and the crying and the stress and the apologies for behavior that is over the phone, not even in person...

I understand from one of your replies that you are not open to any negative responses about being with him.
Please read the papers though, women who rush into relationships (yes, feeling like you do that this guy is "the one") an end up in very tight spots.

I'll not bother you again with my gut instincts... Although I wish that you would remember that you can come to HealthBoards at anytime under any circumstances and we will be here to help as best we can.

Ruth

I was in a relationship years ago with a man who insisted we get rid of my stuff it was a trap that way If I ever wanted to eave him I wouldnt have anything. It was a mental game he played with me. Im not saying thats whats going on here cause I dont know I hope not. Just be careful My husband I met online too hes a great guy but after being marred a few years I now find out lies he told me b4 we got married. Lies that were major too. I always thought youd be more truthful on the net meeting someone Its not the case normally.Good luck.

Maybe I'm the only one, but I see red flags flying all over the place.
He's rushing you, crying out of desperation, moving you from your home, and has been married & divorced THREE times??

I'd not only say "No" I'd be history altogether...
Ruth, a milisecond before I read your post I was thinking, "is is just me or does everyone else see all the red flags I am seeing". Thankfully, I am not alone. You nailed a few of them and there are so many more that I cannot really imagine this 41 year old-enough-to-know-better women is serioulsy considering jumping into that frying pan.......at least i hope she isn't.

Well, I am working on the financial situation


Don't go if you are not finacially secure. I know your feelings are strong for eachother but you have to remember that the grass has to be green over there also. You need to make sure that you will have a job and be finacially set if you both have any set backs.