Hi everyone,
I hope that you all are doing well and finding help on this great board. I have certainly found it helpful in the past.

I simply can't seem to get my life fully together and on the right track. I have had depression since my early teenage years, but meds take care of that for the most part. Like many other kids with depression/ADD, I happen to be very smart and intelligent, but so far in my life, I have done rather poorly academically. Thankfully (and sometimes unbelievably, I feel), I still go to a fantastic university, although my grades first year were abysmal (a 2.1 GPA, which is ABSOLUTELY unacceptable). I abused pot off and on first year, and due to a disorganized mind, I was about 50% compliant w/ my meds (which in hindsight I now realize led to constant withdrawal symptoms - not good). This summer, although I told myself I wouldn't be smoking any pot, I got back into abusing it. I started drinking nightly, and for about two weeks straight I binge drank, which I know, compared to some alcoholics perhaps, is nothing, but for me it was incredibly destructive, not to mention an unfortunate combination w/ the meds. A few days ago, in a state of utter mental confusion caused by weeks of substance abuse, I took 10 mgs of Ativan (sort of a tranquilizer, similar to Valium). I passed out in my parents' room at 800 PM, and my parents had trouble waking me later, and when they finally did, they said I was slurring my speech etc. The next day, my mind felt completely jumbled and confused, and while driving with my older brother, I ran my car over a curb and completely destroyed two of my tires. I have NEVER gotten into any sort of accident. Thank God, neither me nor my brother were injured, but I was honest with my parents and told them everything, and they are incredibly disappointed in me. They have been uncannily supportive of me all my life, both financially and elsewhere, and they are very, very disappointed. God has BLESSED me with a PLETHORA of good qualities, and I know that I have been incredibly selfish and ungrateful all my life. At this point, in spite of all that I have been given, I feel that I have gone almost nowhere in my life, at least in terms of development, maturity and achievement. The same problems plague me now as did when I was 15. My parents are getting older, and I CAN'T BEAR to see them so unhappy. They deserve SO much better.

My question to all of you is - how can one completely turn their life around? Where can I find the power, energy and motivation to do that? I am so confused and intimidated by this all. MANY times I have tried to control pot use and what not, and stay on top of all my responsibilties, and NEVER have I had lasting success. So as you can imagine, I'm rather scared to jump into something like this. And I know that if I don't make the BIG changes NOW, my life could get seriously f***ed up. And after all that has been given to me by nature and my loving family, I simply don't wan't that to happen.

Have you any words of advice? My life has to do a 180, and stay that way. And I am just totally clueless, nervous and intimidated by how to go about doing that. Thank you all.

Dear GoGauchos,

You've accepted that you have a serious substance abuse habit.
You've admitted that your substance abuse is sabotaging your depression and ADD treatment.
You understand that your habit has immediately endangered you and others (your brother)
You feel remorse that you've hurt your family
You've come to believe that you've got to quit the drugs and alcohol before you can begin build a life.
You don't think you can get clean and stay clean without help.
You're asking for help.

I'm not an addictionologist or an addict, but I have accompanied friends to numerous Alcoholics Anonymous Meetings...and it looks to me like you've already have the insight , remorse, humility and honesty that are essential to sobriety.

You admittedly have plenty more work to do. Call AA or Narcotics Anonymous, NOW. Ask for a schedule of meetings in your area, and go to as many meetings as you need to stay sober TODAY. Keep going back and you'll begin to make some friends who can offer support and advice on staying sober.


I think you've got to sober up first. As you do, you know you can look forward to your meds working more effectively. But as your meds again become effective, you and your doc might need to adjust them. Is it possible your substance abuse has been partly a way of self-medicating or coping with medication side effects? One way or another, you need to admit your addictions to your doctor now.

One more thing: In your post I see a lot of references to letting your parents down. It's clear that you want to live up to your parents' values of high achievement and good character. That's very admirable.

But I think one key to sustaining your recovery is identifying some goals that are all your own. Ask yourself this question: What matters more to me than booze and pot? When you find some answers that are truly yours... answers a little more specific than "a sober , good guy witha respectable GPA" your motivation to stay sober will increase tenfold. Psychotherapy and counseling, including career counseling, could help you identfy your personal values and goals. Writing down your thoughts in a journal can be a head start on getting to know yourself better.



Good luck to you. Stay in touch.

--Kj--