9 months ago I checked into a clinic for alcohol abuse. At the time they took my Ativan and made me cold turkey it. A total nightmare. I can't even do it justice in words. Coming out of the hospital they had me on depakote, zyprexa, and lexapro. Well, I HATED being on these meds. They just made me feel like a zombie. Seeing a shrink only resulted in trials of different doses or meds. I saw my GP who is a good friend and knows me better than anyone has taken me off all the meds and started up Ativan again. The thought was to stabilize me and eventually take me off Ativan very slowly this time. Well, I went off the zyprexa and that was difficult for about a week. I am on day 16 of Lexapro withdrawal. I have had the bouts of flu-like symptoms and nausea, but they seemed to have passed. Now it is mostly lightheadedness. Well, the problem is that about 2 days ago I started having all these awful thoughts that I was never gonna get better. My worst fear is being deemed depressed and put back on the meds. I know I just gotta get though my anxiety. THat is what is tied into everything. Anyways, these thoughts and fears are now consuming me. Will I ever get better? Is this normal? Will I ever feel normal again? Now part of this is withdrawal and I know I may be making it worse with all these thoughts, but it is so hard not knowing. How long can SSRI withdrawals last? Is what I am feeling normal for these circumstances? If it is I just gotta fight through it until I do feel normal. Anyways, any thoughts and experiences would be much appreciated.

I don't know anything about the meds you are coming off of. I'm trying to get off of Effexor and my withdrawal is full of bad flu symptoms and very, very bad vertigo.

Hang in there... I'm sure someone on this board with similar experiences to yours will post good advice.

Until someone else responds, at least know that you are not alone.

I don't know what you're personally experiencing (with all the medications you've been on), but I can tell you that I had similar feelings when I was coming off of Zoloft... basically, your nervous system is experiencing withdrawal and it causes that "claustrophobic" and ongoing I'm-Never-Going-To-Get-Better fear.

The Depression Bulletin Board, as well as the Drug Interaction board, (and others all over the Internet) are full of people experiencing similar symptoms as you. You're not alone. There are a number of people who offer suggestions, such as walking/exercising, eating Omega 3 fatty acids, etc.

I will say that many people go back on anti-depressants because of all the withdrawal symptoms (anxiety, brain zaps, etc.), thinking they are not better, when in fact, it's the actual withdrawal that's the problem. Of course I don't know if this is the case for you, but it is for many other people.

Good luck, and I hope you get some relief soon.

--CarrieLynn

:wave:

I'm no doctor, but I'd be willing to bet it's withdrawal. I am in the middle of trying to come off lexapro and wellbutrin myself. Some people just try and muddle through the withdrawal symptoms. I tested myself in several ways, until I was sure it was a medication problem. I am sure now, so it is a little different for me. Anyway, my GP wasn't any help, so I came up with my own plan. What YOU need is a doctor who understands SSRI's, withdrawal, and what to do about it. For me, the answer was to get lexapro in a liquid form and taper more slowly. I am working on it. When I read your post my heart went out to you, because it echoed my feelings. I don't know how, but maybe this helps... :angel:

Hey Bruin, I'm new here too and I'll tell ya. I'm sick as hell because of my withdrawals from Effexor. It's been about a month and a half to two months and I'm still dizzy, nauseaus and my body hurts something aweful. Terrible headaches too. I don't think I can stay off though. I've always had terrible anxiety and although I don't like taking the meds, I don't like myself when I'm off of them. It's a catch 22 for me but I think it's probably way worse for someone who has suffered from substance abuse. You've got a double whammy there. I don't have much advice for you but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone!
flower crazy

:wave:
flower crazy,

if you don't mind me asking....what was the last dose you took of the effexor (when and IMPORTANT...how many milligrams)? :confused:

It was 75 mg and that was about 2 months ago. I was okay at first, felt good even. This past week has been such hell for me I had to start taking it again. I truly felt like I would die! The problem for me is I don't have insurance, am currently unemployed and my doctor quit practicing. So I am in quite a bind. My mom is taking the exact same thing so she gave me some to last me a month. But I'm going to have to see a doctor somehow because I can't live like this. I'd like to switch to something else. This drug is aweful! I have quit taking anti depressants before (zoloft & paxil) and NEVER had withdrawals like this. Every bone in my body hurts, I feel dizzy, feel like throwing up and have the worst headache behind my eyes I've ever had. How are you doing?
flower crazy

OUCH!!!! 75 mgs. to nothing? Some people can do that and be okay, but it is sounding like you may not be one of them. I was great at first too. Then I felt physically ill. Then I started having all these side effects. Then the emotional stuff kicked in. I really thought I was going to have to go back on because I just couldn't stand the way I felt. I experimented by taking 1 ten mg pill. After being totally off for 4 whole weeks, one little pill wouldn't help me, right? Especially if I was having a recurrence of the depression. Well guess what? I felt totally normal within the hour. That's how I know. Now this might not be you...
You really need to look deep down inside and examine how you are feeling and what you think it is. If you think that you just aren't ready to quit, then DON'T!!! You wouldn't quit taking your medicine if you were diabetic or had a heart condition, would you? Don't let anyone tell you this is any different. It has nothing to do with being "normal" or not. It's about listening to your body and mind and doing and giving what they are telling you to. If you thinki there is a chance that it could be withdrawal, get your effexor in a liquid form and do a SLOWWWWW taper. At the worst, you will just find out that you need to still be on it, and at the best, you may find out you can come off of it.
I hear what you say about the insurance. Mine doesn't cover ANYTHING related to this. It's been quite a drain. You need to find a new doctor, possibly one that would give you samples. Mine did when he found out my insurance wouldn't cover it. Also, there are counti health clinics where you can see a doctor, be treated for this, and be GIVEN medicine (if you qualify financially). Check it out and let me know how you do.
I am down to 2mgs. a night, but I am having a litttle trouble this week. I am going to give it a little longer and see what happens before I kick it back up to 3. So that makes me a little down too...thanks for asking!

Hi Flowercrazy -

As someone who's been there, done that, and is still doing it ... I'd also like to jump in here and add to Kimba's excellent advice

First things first. Breathe deeply. Let's try and tackle your problem one step at a time. Neither Kimba nor I are doctors, but I can assure you, we've both lived thru this nightmare ourselves, and both of us have had to become our own doctors - WITH GREAT SUCCESS, I might add. So you are in good hands.

:angel: We can help you! :angel:

Without a doubt, quitting from 75mg to zero is a surefire guarantee that you're going to experience some very nasty side-effects! I personally probably would've had to have been hospitalized if I'd done that. My drop from 75 to 35.5 nearly did me in! And I suffered terribly at 35.5mg for about 3mths before stabilizing. Since then, using the method Kimba and I (and all true experts who KNOW what they are talking about) are recommending, I'm now down to 11mg and compared with before, it's been very smooth sailing. So I truly understand what you're going thru.

Here's the plan of action I'd recommend for you ...

The most important thing you have to do now is try and have some quality of life whilst withdrawing. Both physically and emotionally. Obviously, your side-effects were too unbearable to have to suffer through. So, yes, I'd say you definitely need to go back on the Effexor and taper off far more slowly than before. BUT ...!!! ... I recommend you go back on at 37.5mg, NOT back up to 75mg - that's far too high. You've already been off for a couple of months and I'm sure you'll notice a huge improvement in your symptoms at 37.5mg. In fact, if it were me, I'd even try at LESS than 37.5 ... whatever is the lowest dose you can take that is bearable for you.

Working with what you have now (ie your Mom's meds) ... take the 75mg capsule, open it (be careful, it's full of tiny little beads) ... and try taking either 1/2 of it, or preferably even 1/4 of it. Don't chew or crush them, swallow whole. Maybe stick it in some yoghurt or whatever. Do this for a couple of days and see if it's brought you relief. If so, stay at this dose for a couple of weeks until you feel very stable. Then, try and taper down again by another small increment ... and so on. You'll find a huge relief in your physical AND emotional symptoms, your brain fog will start clearing, and you'll slowly start discovering the real you again.

Let's save your anxiety issues and the reasons for going on in the first place, for another post. One thing at a time.

IDEALLY, I do definitely recommend going the liquid Effexor route, but it doesn't look like it's an option for you right now, dollar-wise. It's not made by Wyeth, which means you have to order it specially from a compounding pharmacist = extra $$$.

I hear you regarding your insurance issues - I, too, am not covered and have to bear the burden of this on my own. I'm afraid I don't know the US system that well. But what about Medicare or is it Medicaid? Maybe someone more knowledgable about this can step in here with other ideas. Or try Kimba's suggestion about the County clinics. Also, is it not a fact that in the US if you go to the ER, they are OBLIGATED to see you whether you have insurance or not? Get some samples from them. Just make sure that that's your only plan for going there ... don't let them start giving you a battery of tests and feeding you other bull *bleep* that you don't need to listen to!!! You are going there for one thing and one thing only ... "to get your hands on some samples to prevent these terrible w/drawals".

Let me know your thoughts on the above. Hang in, keep breathing! :wave:

I am down to 2mgs. a night, but I am having a litttle trouble this week. I am going to give it a little longer and see what happens before I kick it back up to 3. So that makes me a little down too...thanks for asking!

Kimba, just a thought ... if you do need to go up a little, why go up a full 1mg? Why not 0.5mg or less? Experiment.

Also, as far as weaning off, have you considered experimenting by tapering by miniscule amounts every couple of days or so? I began my taper by going down about 3mg each week. Then I hit some problems and experimented by going down 1mg every 2-3 days, and this seems to work much better.

Just an idea you may want to consider. Chin up, keep going!

Hi guys! thanks for writing and telling me how you did with the tapering off. I did have to take a 75 mg yesterday and one today. I didn't know you could open the capsule and put it in something. Too bad it's not in tablet form to cut it. The thing is that in the past when I've stopped taking zoloft or Paxil I was okay. Nothing like this at all! I've never experienced this before. I was better today with just two pills but I'd like to go down like you said. I have irritable bowel syndrome and these pills make it way worse. When I stopped taking them, I no longer had any problems. So I'd like to maybe go on something else. I will have to apply for medicaid and see a doctor, probably the same one my mom sees. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this but if my body is this messed up than I'm not going to try and go this alone. I'm so glad I came on this site because I wouldn't have known I was going through withdrawals. I really appreciate the help everyone. Everyone in my family is on meds and has to be for the rest of their lives. We all suffer from huge anxiety and I've had problems with that severely in the past so as much as I hate the idea of going on another med, I may have no choice. Better to keep trying than to be an out of control loon. Recently my brother-in-law of 35 years was killed during back surgery by the doctor who cut a major artery. He was in a coma for two weeks before his last organ gave out. That was hard enough to deal with but if I wasn't on meds at the time I probably would have been hospitalized myself. We loved him so much and it was a horrible, slow death. Now my cousin was just told he has to have back surgery and he's absolutely petrified after what happened to my brother-in-law. So we've got something new on our minds. We've suffered a lot of personal tragedy in my family and I think that's part of why I've got so much anxiety and depression. We are still lucky, more than some. But that doesn't change what's happened to us or make it any less hurtful. Anyway, I will try tomorrow to break open the capsule and go down to 37.5 for a couple of days and see how that goes.
Thanks again
flower crazy

Flowercrazy, I'm very sorry to hear what you've gone thru. You're not made of stone and most human beings would be terribly depressed and anxiety ridden having to experience what you have.

I lost my Mom after a 1 1/2 year battle with cancer. I was her caregiver. There are no words to explain what it is like to watch your own mother simply perish before your own eyes, and know there is nothing you can do to stop it!!! Then, 2 mths later, my Dad landed up requiring emergency surgery. Again, I was the one at his bedside. Thankfully, he pulled through very well. Then, 2 months later my longterm relationship came undone! And that was when I went in search of the "happy" pill!!!

Remember, we're all human. We all have our ups and downs and our share of pain and of happiness. Some more than others, some less. Or so it may appear from the outside.

Hang in and keep on trooping. One step at a time. Get thru this w/drawal period first, get your health back. Then I'm sure you'll be working soon, and can possibly find someone to talk to, if you'd like to do that. Finding the right person can be a very cathartic experience. In the meantime, use this board. We're here!

Just a reminder if you read this in time ... if I were you, I'd definitely try and swallow 1/4 of the 75mg instead of 1/2 tomorrow. Two months off is a fair amount of time - experiment with 1/4 first. I could be wrong, but my bet is it'll still give you enormous relief. Believe me, if it doesn't work, you'll know about it, and you can always go up.

Again, chin up and hang in.

Thanks Sandalla, I took apart the capsule this morning (it was easier than I thought) and put in half. I'll try that for a couple of days just to make sure. My headache is enormous and my stomach is still bothering me but the aches are subsiding (thank God)! My best friend went through that same thing with her mom a couple of years back. I'm so sorry for your loss. I am the caregiver for both of my parents. And that makes it tough to work outside the home since there is always something happening. As my brother-in-law was passing, my dad was being treated for prostate cancer. He's alright now but it's not the first time we almost lost him and my mom too. Seems everyone in my family has had major health issues. I feel so bad for my parents, they have worked their asses off all of their lives and can't seem to enjoy their golden years. No money, not much health. And plenty of drama! There are some really great things about life you know? But it just seems like there is double the pain as there is the joy. I know I'm not alone and I'm glad I can talk to you guys now. I'll let you know at the end of the day how I did on 1/2 the dose.
flower crazy

Hi Kimba, how are you doing? How's the doses working out? I took everyone's advice and opened up the capsule and split the dose. I'm hoping it'll do just fine for now until I get used to it and can cut it down more. I never thought in a million years I would withdraw like that. I'm glad I came on this site because I felt like I was flipping out, you know?
flower crazy

:D
Sandalla,

Hey! OH MY GOD!!!! Duh! I AM using a measuring syringe (lol)!!!! I never thought of that! I am a little better today. I took a benadryl last night so I could fall asleep at an earlier time and really get some rest. I accomplished something that has been on my back working yesterday and today. And I went out in the sun today. Plus, I am really starting to push the water. I am noticing a difference today. I think I will wait till Sunday and see how I feel. If I am still a little "off" should I tough through it or go back up a little. Hard decision for me for some reason. However, you figuring out I can try adding just a little helps immensely....Thanks!
Enough about me...HOW ARE YOU?????

:)

Flower crazy,

Hey! Sorry...I was so excited about Sandalla's idea that I missed your post below it! Refer to the above post for the nitty gritty on my condition....
I am really glad that you are trying the tapering thing. If a half dose is making a noticeable improvement in how you feel, then that should bolster you up a little more that it is withdrawals and not YOU! Sandalla is right about the medicaid and stuff. Lots of state and counties provide government sponsored insurance too. look on line into yoyur area's resources. Even a community center in your area may be able to point you in the right direction.
I hear what you guys are saying about parents and families and one crisis after another. My sister has lost two sons (one at 3 months, one at two years). Her children that have survived have serious health problems. She suffered nervous breakdown after each death. My father-in-law has diabetes and underwent a kidney transplant. We have almost lost him 3 times since then due to strange complications. And my father...well, he had a tumor removed last year. He has stage 3 brain cancer.
You are right. There is still things for me and you and everyone to be happy about. It just takes some of us a little more effort to climb to the top of the heap and find it. Somebody told me something once that stuck with me....Life is tough....be tougher...
:cool:
kimba

Yes, life can sometimes be very tough and I believe no-one is left out. Sometimes it may appear that way from the outside, but everyone is dealing with their own personal demons. They say that Gd never dishes out more than we can handle. Whenever I'm going thru a particularly rough time, I always call on that phrase to give me extra strength.

I'm a very big believer in attitude too. And in "acting". I should be nominated for an Oscar, I've become so good at it. Whenever you're feeling down, "act" like you're happy. If you're feeling insecure, "act" like you're confident. If you're anxious, "act" like you're calm. With time, it becomes almost natural behaviour, so that the acting becomes a part of you. It's amazing how well it works.

And visualization too. I wish there were mega dollars spent on promoting this for all kinds of "mental illnesses". Try it. For instance, visualize yourself the way you want to be in say 2 months, or 1 year. Go to bed each night visualizing this for yourself. Visualize your anxiety or depression as an abnormal "mass" in your brain (or wherever you feel it is in your body). Picture what it looks like. Breathe in and visualize refreshing, healing air circulating around the mass, breaking it up, slowly, slowly. Breathe out, and let the air take with it some of the mass. And repeat this until the mass gets tinier and tinier and eventually disappears. Do this every night before falling asleep. Or when you're at a particularly low or stressful point in the day. Try it and let me know your thoughts. I use this method to get rid of migraines - it's the only thing that works for me. It's not easy to do at all. You'll find your mind wandering a million times, but keep bringing it back. With practice, you'll get better at it.

I'm also a huge believer in "thought stopping". There's a good website which details this technique www.have-a-heart.com. Every time you catch yourself obsessing or dwelling on something negative, force yourself to block the thoughts. Just yell quietly to yourself "Stop, stop, stop!", and move on to deliberately think of something less worriesome or negative - preferably something very positive!

It takes work. It's not as easy as popping a "happy" pill ... but then, look what happened to us when we went the "happy" pill route! :eek:

Hang in there, Flowercrazy, and yes, keep talking to us. Just open up and let it rip. There's nothing to beat a good old rant and rave every so often.

I'm going to try and give you another gentle nudge to try 1/4 (approx 20mg) of the 75mg instead of the 1/2 you're doing now. Sorry to be such a pest, but I'm just so sure that you don't even need as much as 37.5mg, after having been totally off the stuff for 2 months. You just need "some" of it in your system again, and I somehow feel that 20mg will do the trick. And then later, when you start tapering, you'll already be at a much lower dose too. Also, if you take 1/4 of it ... you'll make it last double the amount of time. You'll probably find you even have enough to get you thru the whole w/drawal process this time. So that'll be another weight off your shoulders!

Take care, Sweetie.

Kimba, you made me laugh out loud! You really need to get those drugs outta your system ... and quick ... before it totally destroys your brain! :D Yes, that's exactly what the measuring syringe and the liquid version is for! Duuuhhhh!

Anyway, as long as we've now sorted you out in that regard.

You haven't mentioned exactly what your present symptoms are and what feeling "off" means, so it's hard for me to say whether you should go up a notch or not. Only you can answer that for yourself, depending on how bearable your symptoms are. You say that today was a better day, so maybe wait until Sunday if you can and see how you're feeling then.

As far as tapering down in tinier doses every couple of days, I'm finding that in addition to it helping with the physical symptoms, that PSYCHOLOGICALLY it's working wonders. I'm down to 10mg today, I know on Sunday I'll be down to 9, etc, etc, and it's much more exciting this way, rather than sitting at one dose for a week or two.

Have a great w'end! Take care.

wow Kimba! You've really had a rough time of it. I'm so sorry for all that stuff with your family. It really contributes to the worrying and stress that makes us nuts. I did very well today on 1/2 a dose so I think I'm going to stay on half a dose just for a couple of days. Then I promise I will cut down again! My symptoms aren't too bad with the crying jags or panics anymore but my vertigo :dizzy: and nausea was still there. Not as bad but still there. I'm in New Hampshire and we had the worst heat today just when I turned on the A/C we had severe thunderstorms whip through here and knock out the power! :rolleyes: It was a miserable day. And I've got asthma so I was having a bit of trouble there for awhile. But the powers back on and so is my A/C. Supposed to get more storms tonight and tomorrow though so here's hoping my A/C can stay on. As you can tell by my user name I'm an avid gardener so that really keeps my mind busy. When I'm working with my flowers I'm completely engrossed.
Well, night gang!
flower crazy :wave:

9 months ago I checked into a clinic for alcohol abuse. At the time they took my Ativan and made me cold turkey it. A total nightmare. I can't even do it justice in words. Coming out of the hospital they had me on depakote, zyprexa, and lexapro. Well, I HATED being on these meds. They just made me feel like a zombie. Seeing a shrink only resulted in trials of different doses or meds. I saw my GP who is a good friend and knows me better than anyone has taken me off all the meds and started up Ativan again. The thought was to stabilize me and eventually take me off Ativan very slowly this time. Well, I went off the zyprexa and that was difficult for about a week. I am on day 16 of Lexapro withdrawal. I have had the bouts of flu-like symptoms and nausea, but they seemed to have passed. Now it is mostly lightheadedness. Well, the problem is that about 2 days ago I started having all these awful thoughts that I was never gonna get better. My worst fear is being deemed depressed and put back on the meds. I know I just gotta get though my anxiety. THat is what is tied into everything. Anyways, these thoughts and fears are now consuming me. Will I ever get better? Is this normal? Will I ever feel normal again? Now part of this is withdrawal and I know I may be making it worse with all these thoughts, but it is so hard not knowing. How long can SSRI withdrawals last? Is what I am feeling normal for these circumstances? If it is I just gotta fight through it until I do feel normal. Anyways, any thoughts and experiences would be much appreciated.

All these drugs have devistating effects on the brain. It takes time for the brain to recover, so while it is, you will still have withdrawal symptoms, even after actual withdrawal is over (withdrawal is defined as time period it takes for the drug to completely leave the body). Post withdrawal symptoms can take months to go away; in the case of benzos like Ativan, it can take a few years, depending on the situation.

Bottom line is, the drugs have done a number on your brain, probably worse than the alcohol although I don't mean to trivialize alcoholism. Your brain needs to re-arrange, get it's chemical messengers back on track.

The time that takes is variable. Most likely, you will be ok after one year to 18 months after cessation of all drugs/chemicals.

Things like omega oils, chammomile tea, and good nutrition do ease things a bit. Exercise when you can. Drug/med free time will heal.

:eek:
Good morning my friends,

Flower Crazy: Hang in there...the dizziness and vertigo were the first symptoms to get better for me....

Sandalla: Glad I made you laugh! Although the depression came through to me via my mom, she did teach me something that has always helped. It's kind of like your attitude adjustment theory. She taught me that as long as I can find something in it to laugh about, I can overcome it. As long as I can still laugh once in awhile, I know I'll be okay. And you wouldn't BELIEVE the things I've laughed about in my lifetime in an attempt at self-preservation...I'm pretty sure I am what you would call "sacreligious" in a lot of situations!

Hmmm....I am thinking of how to answer your questions about my symptoms. Sometimes it is still difficult to put things together in a logical way for others to understand. Actually, once I got past the devestation of the GP's total blowing off of this thing, I have felt totally "normal" (whatever that means for me--lol!!!) from 5mgs on down. Last week I had my cycle and noticed a few things--but I am a really "hormonal" person, and the lexapro seems to have left my body super-sensitive to a lot of things. So I didn't worry too much--figured it was the hormones and would pass. This is my second week at two mgs., and I am beginning to wonder if it was going down to 2mgs last week and not my period, that is throwing things off. On Thursday, I was so incredibly tired and sore--like I was coming down with something. Like the Flu-like feeling I had the first two weeks I was totally of the lex. And the thing is that I don't sleep great right now. I was so exhausted I felt like I could pass out, but I just COULD NOT sleep! I took a benadryl that evening, and I felt a lot better the next day (Friday) after a deep night of sleep. I am still dragging a little here and there, but not that whole body is drained and sick thing. I could probably handle that, but I have noticed a couple of other things that are scaring me. In the past couple of days, I have noticed the crabbiness coming back. Last time that was just a precursor to the RAGE EPISODES that popped out of nowhere. I mean to tell you, I scared the hell out of myself back then, not to mention my husband and children! I'm worried I am headed the same way again. And it is the most stupid unimportant things that set me off....stupid ads in magazines, stupid commercials, people who do or say stupid things.....just a feeling of real IRRITATION!!!
And then there was yesterday. We went to my dad's annual company picnic (with his diagnosis, time spent with him has become increasingly important) with most of the family (I am one of six children). I had a good time, but I started out tired already in the morning. By the time we left late in the afternoon, I could just feel myself getting crabby at everyone in the car on the way home. It was like I was overstimulated and needed to be alone in silence. AND TIRED. When we got home, the kids went to do their thing and my husband and I lay down for a rest. He NEVER sleeps at night, but can lay down and fall asleep at any point during the day. He managed to fall asleep quite easily, and I was SO tired...but I couldn't. After awhile I gave up and got up. :bouncing: Then the RAGE MONSTER took over. I just got so irritated! I couldn't sleep and he was. I new he was getting up and going out. And I would still be here with the kids tired and unable to rest at all. I just can't seem to sit still and do any of the quiet activities I have been trying to calm down with. I feel bored with it all, like I have done it a thousand times before. ButI am too tired to do anything different. So I am filled with this hoplessness that tells me that my life will always be this one static unchanging thing, like an object that doesn't ever change. I know this is absolutely ridiculous, and I know that it is the changes my body is going through that is doing this. But last night...I JUST COULDN"T STOP IT!!!! So I had a little freak-out. My husband and I talked so he would understand that it really ISN'T him, and I sent him on his way ( nI think he needed the break). I made myself sit down and concentrate on something I have been working on and finish it. And by the time he came home the kids were in bed and I was feeling better. Except for an intense need to be held (reassurance he doesn't hate me because of all this crap?) I just told myself (and him before he left earlier) that I CAN DO THIS!!!! And I did. I got through it. Last time it seems like when it started like this, it never got better or went away for a little bit--just got exponentially worse by the day.
I feel pretty good today. Only mildly tired. And mildly irritated when the kids interrupt me while I am trying to get my thoughts together and post. (Only because as soon as I turn the computer off, they will ignore me for the rest of the day--lol!!!!). I do love my boys, so much. Anyway, I am thinking that I do not want to increase or decrease right now. I have about six more days on 2 mgs. I think I am just going to try and tough it out, especially if I am only having periodic trouble. I will just watch carefully to see if things get worse, and try to put mind over myself (last night was the first time I was able to somewhat CONTROL, or at least "outlast" these feelings). I can do this, right?
Sorry this was so long...had to get it out to you guys while I was able to make sense of it...I HOPE!!!! LOL!!!!! Post back soon...I am coming to depend on our little therapy group here...is that bad? I have a little problem with obsession/need right now too! :rolleyes: ;) (lol!)

Kimba, if you look over your post again, you'll see that the words you put in upper case were mainly all about the rage and irritation. And then the extreme exhaustion yet inability to sleep. Am I right? Am sure there's a vicious circle to this as well, which doesn't help.

Yes, I had this too. In fact, you name it, I had it, I'm afraid. Please watch out for the rage and irritation though. Mine developed into what I now know is referred to as "akathisia", and it was this symptom that scared me beyond belief. It is a form of inner rage, irritation and RESTLESSNESS that is indescribable. :eek: :eek: The inner torment was like nothing I had ever experienced, and on top of it your thinking becomes terribly clouded. Very hard to explain even. The thoughts that went through my head as options to rid myself of this torment included throwing every capsule I had down my throat, plus any other drugs I had in the place (Klonopin, Trazadone, etc) ... to throwing myself off the balcony. Fortunately, for me, in this frenzied state, I somehow resorted to alcohol and threw back a few glasses of liqueur. It knocked me out and I fell asleep.

The next day, I forgot what had happened ... until the same feeling started up again. To say I was then petrified is an understatement. I started drinking every single night for about 2 weeks afterwards, plus popping Klonopin ... simply terrified, and not knowing how to handle this! I called my Doc in an absolute state and just got silence at the end of the phone, and no suggestions or guidance!!! Obviously, now in retrospect I know I should have upped my dose again!

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind, having experienced this first hand, that this symptom is one major factor for these drugs having the ability to cause suicide and homicide. And it was for this reason, that I found my way to this board.

I experienced it coming off Zoloft too, though not quite to the same extreme. It was at this time, for no reason at all, I kicked my little dog (he was my late mother's and is the absolute most precious thing in my life). I also had road rage beyond belief! In fact, I was so confused, agitated and uncoordinated, I was unable to think what to do at stop signs, I was shooting through yellow lights, I had cars beeping at me, I was getting lost in places I travelled regularly - I really thought I was losing my mind. I stopped driving distances for a couple of weeks even.

Please be very aware and very, very careful of this. As I say, your thinking becomes very cloudy, and that's where it gets extremely dangerous.

Have you heard of or tried Bach's Rescue Remedy? I haven't tried it myself but people swear by it. Might be worth a try. What I do highly, highly recommend is exercise!!! I'd take my dog and force myself to go for a long walk/jog ... at least an hour. It really helps. Are you supplementing with a good Vit B complex and Omega 3's? Calcium/magnesium is also meant to help with sleep.

Bottom line ... my thinking is you've been tapering too quickly. The whole point of tapering is to minimize all this grief. This time around, I've escaped most of the psychological heartache. I'd say you'd be best off staying at your current dosage for as long as it takes for these symptoms to fully subside. (I would even suggest maybe going up a tad but I know how disappointing that would be for you. You be the judge, but don't be a hero, it ain't worth it. For you and for your family.)

Oh, and a big tip. I'm not sure if you're taking the med in the morning or evening. Morning works much better, as, if you're like me, you may find the symptoms start up a few hours before your regular dose? So this way, by being asleep, I avoid a lot of them.

Speaking of sleep ... :wave:

:wave: Okay, so the great thing about being on this post is I'm realizing I'm not the only one who is feeling like this and thank God for that. Not that I would wish this stuff on anyone but I feel so crappy I can't stand it. I guess I will have to go back up to my 75 mgs for awhile. And I've got to see a doctor somehow. I know how you feel Kimba. Actually about six years back, I was on that depopravera shot for birth control and within a couple of months of being on it I became enraged all of the time. It was nasty. I didn't know there were steroids in that shot and it did all kinds of damage to my system. I stopped taking it immediately when I found out but it was too late. The damage was done. That's why I went on these meds, because of that and I haven't been able to come off since. Now I'm breaking out in hives along with feeling sick as a dog. I can't function and I'm trying desperately to get another job! This really sucks. :blob_fire
flower crazy

Oh Lordy, Lordy, Flowercrazy. That's what gets me riled up ... that the reason you got on to these drugs in the first place was to help counteract the side-effects of another drug. And so on and so on ... goes the vicious cycle.

These boards are great, but I'm finding it quite frustrating not being able to really "TALK" to you in person, I must admit. Lots of questions for you to get a really good idea of how you're feeling, and to really try and explain things to you. But I'll have to do my best with what we have.

First things first. I don't like the sound of the hives. That signals an allergic reaction. Has it happened to you before on meds? When did it start? I REALLY wish you could get yourself to a good doctor.

Flowercrazy, for some reason, my gut is saying you really shouldn't go back up to 75mg again! Now even moreso because of the hives! Your case is very different from the others as you were actually OFF, TOTALLY FREE of Effexor for 2 whole months! Just logically (to me, anyway) I can't see it being the answer for you. As you know, it takes a bit of time for it to get back into the system again. I can't see how more is going to be better than less in your case.

You need to explain more what "crappy" means, and how badly you can't stand it. You've only just gone back on the drug and got some immediate relief (minor though it may be), but it's going to take longer to get back to feeling somewhere close to "good", I'm afraid. Weeks possibly. There's no magic answer, you just have to be patient. So by taking 75mg, don't think you'll suddenly start feeling "good"! It doesn't work that way, unfortunately. And now with the hives ...!

You need to look for other natural ways now to feel better until you stabilize. Everything we've already talked about. Long walks, gardening, eating right, etc. Your system's been through Hell. Be good to it. In a week or so you should start noticing a difference.

Your case is also complicated by the fact that you have so little Effexor at your disposal. What's going to happen when you run out? You're going to be in absolutely terrible shape. Please do what you can to organize yourself ahead of time. And do remember going to the ER if you absolutely have to. Just be in charge and don't let them bully you around. Who knows whether they're aware of w/drawal or not. Take the Healy guide for withdrawal with you.

You NEED to get yourself a doctor. It's not the time to be proud now, do whatever you have to do to help yourself.

Be strong, hang in. :angel:

Well, I know you're not going to want to hear this but I took a 75 mg this morning and by 2:00 this afternoon my headache, vertigo and nausea are just about gone. I can't deal with even tapering off this way. I've got enough meds to get me through a month or so. I'll have to figure out how to get to the doctor between now and then. The depo wasn't the only reason I went on the meds, I had been on meds years earlier and was taken off. I've suffered from depression my whole life and it's a heriditary thing.
I had to do what I had to do.
flower crazy

:wave:

Hey you two!

Flowercrazy...my heart goes out to you. This situation must just feed into the whole loss of control thing most depressive people feel. Are you sure that in a day or two you can't taper back down a little? It would help stretch the meds longer. I went up the first three or four days to- just to stabilize. But then I said no way...and started cutting the dose again...just slower. I wanted off this stuff too badly. It helped me improve in the very beginning, but I am convinced it has kept me from getting all the way well for much of the past two years. I've lost two years of my life, and maybe even my marriage...and it's not going to take anymore away from me. But you know your body better than anyone else. I was off for a whole month, and the effects were just too bad. SANDALLA....if that is what it is called, I had that akathasia so bad last time. The rage, the restlessness....I could actually feel my skin crawling. I would have done ANYTHING to make it stop. I too had to resort to alcohol when I felt myself about to go over the edge. I too have been treated on and off since I was 18...taken all kinds of a.d.'s....I have NEVER thought of suicide until I was on the lexapro. Sometimes during treatment...but especially when I was all the way off and in the throes of withdrawal. So FLOWERCRAZY...I know what you mean about just not being able to do it. Perhaps if I had toughed it out another week or two it would have gotten better. Or maybe I wouldn't have been able to make it at all...if you know what I mean. If this experience has taught me one thing, it is that you have to listen and watch yourself very closely....but also BELIEVE in yourself. Balance listening to your body and taking care of yourself with pushing yourself, just a little. BABY STEPS! I may have to go back up a little, but look how far I've come...by myself. I am going to do this, and you can too. Analyze how you are feeling, then settle on a plan. It helps to have a clear idea of what you are going to do about this. Sandalla is right...beg, steal or borrow...do whatever you have to to get the "tools" (medicine) you need to take this bull by the horns.
Sandalla, actually I haven't felt a return of the akathasia till the past week. So would it be too fast a taper, or just the low amount I am on now? And I have only felt it come on 2 or 3 times. I'm not sure this is going to make sense given that I "blew up" the other night, but it is NOWHERE NEAR what it was last time. Kinda of like a shadow of it...you know what I mean? I went to my dad's picnic on Saturday and got a good dose of sun and fresh air. Yesterday, I really made myself be still and rest and do nothing(excruciating for me! LOL!!!). Today I went swimming and got some more sun and some exercise. I really haven't felt it yesterday and today. Actually, I feel pretty good today, and it had been a productive day. So now I don't know again. :confused: My first instinct is to still wait since I am feeling better. I am wondering if I tweak my "plan" a little if it would help. I am thinking that I need to get to a health store and pick up the b12 and omega and start that at this point. Certainly wouldn't hurt. Also...I am thinking about your idea on the timing. I have been taking it at night right before bedtime. And the 2 or 3 episodes I have had HAVE occured in the evening. All of them. So I am thinking I am going to wait till tomorrow morning for my next dose. I am supposed to go to 1 mg on Saturday. I will just have to watch myself very carefully between now and then and see if that is even appropriate. If I do cut it, then I will have to watch carefully and see what happens then. If I notice the rage....I will have to up immediately without this back and forth wondering...you are right about that. It was the most excruciating, terrifying thing for me last time. I just don't think I can feel that way again for any extended period of time....
See Flowercrazy? A plan...I am feeling more sure about myself already.
You guys are so great.... :angel:

I am having just a horrible day. My mom who also suffers from depression is being a real jerk to me. I love her but she is a very self-centered person. And when she was having withdrawls and she was going through the hard time, well, we were supposed to understand that! But when it's my turn, it's a whole different story. She's always putting me down and making me feel like I'm doing it on purpose or like I can control it! I live downstairs from my parents and help to take care of them and I swear sometimes it is a real thankless job. I am never allowed my moments, you know? I think for myself that bouncing up and down on the dosage of meds is just not healthy. It's probably going to cause more problems for me especially since I'm trying to go back to work. I'm gonna have to go back on the 75mgs and see a doctor to get off. I hate myself so much right now and I just don't understand why my brother-in-law died when he had a great life, and I'm stuck in this hell.
flower crazy

Flowercrazy, stop being so hard on yourself. You're allowed bad days here, there and everywhere. It's OK. Today's an awful day ... tomorrow will be better, hopefully.

What are you thinking in terms of finding a doctor for yourself? Do you have any close friends or relatives who are more understanding than your parents and can offer you the support you so desperately need now? Is there someone who can accompany you to the county clinics or help you with your Medicaid application? This is a very hard thing to go alone, I know, particularly when you're so down in the dumps on top of struggling with the physical and emotional issues of w/drawal. I wish I knew more about the system to think of other approaches. Are there perhaps Women's centers that can provide some free counselling and support, or offer guidance?

How are the hives today? Any improvement?

So you went up to 75mg and you are finding it's helping. If that's what you have to do, then so be it! Don't be hard on yourself, only you know exactly what's bearable and what's not. I agree that going up and down can't be very healthy. Your Number 1 priority has to be to attain some quality of life, otherwise you're going to be useless to everyone, including yourself. If this is what stabilizes you, then that's all that counts. You'll be able to start interviewing and hold down a job and then everything else will fall into place. As I mentioned to you, I sat at 37.5mg for 3 whole months before I was able to think of going down again. Some people have it easier than others and you do have to trust yourself and listen to your own body. It's not a race or a matter of willpower. There's a lot of trial and error involved.

Please relax and be good to yourself. Why not forget about even thinking of w/drawing now, and focus on getting yourself a doctor and a way to get some meds for when you run out. What's your thinking on this? Do you have any plan in mind? :angel:

Whoa, Kimba, hang on! Don't miss your dose tonight, you'll be a basket case, Girl! :nono: Take it tonight AND again in the morning, and then go from there. I hope you find this helps you too. Really, it's made a HUGE difference for me. Every morning, when I wake up, I feel the brain shivers and the numbness in my arm, and the tinnitus is bad. (Thank goodness no electric zaps this time so far). I take my liquid poison and within an hour I'm fine for the day. Now and again when I have a late night, by 1:30am I'm starting to feel it coming on, but who cares, I'm going to sleep anyway. :p And those vivid dreams/nightmares aren't nearly as bad this time around too. Anyone having those? Had a horrible one last night, but thank goodness, can't remember it now.

As far as whether you should go up a notch, I simply cannot advise you of this. I tell you the same thing you say to Flowercrazy ... only you know the answer to that. Only you know what is bearable or not. I do have to point out to you though, that you've been considering this for probably a week already now!!! :D That's already a week that's gone by and you're still debating. You had a couple of good days in a row now, why not take it day by day by day. You're going to have good days and bad days.

When I was at my worst at 37.5mg, I kept a daily journal of how I was feeling. Initially, there were nothing but bad days, but slowly, slowly there'd be a good day here and there, then a couple in a row, and so on. It was very difficult. Many times, I'd think I was stabilizing and then I'd have a few very bad days which would totally throw me off again, and make me very despondent. I never upped my dosage, not because I was being a martyr, but because I simply had no idea that this was an option. I was clueless and received nothing but blank looks and denial from my Doc.

Why not first try the morning thing for a couple of days and see if that brings relief.

Again, as far as tapering down, I don't know why you have in your mind that it needs to be done in 1mg increments. Going from 2mg down to 1mg is a 50% drop. That's not proper weaning. Your brain's gonna feel it. Experiment. You really need to trick your brain. Use your measuring syringe ;) and go down 1/10mg every couple of days. And don't have a fixed date of Sunday in your head. Play it by ear and only do it when you feel totally stable at 2mg. If I personally were in your shoes, with that awful agitation, tapering now would be unthinkable for me.

Remember, even though I'm going down in 1mg increments, the lowest dose of Effexor is 37.5mg. So I've been going down in extreme baby steps. And I can't tell you what a difference it makes to the overall symptoms. I'm now at 9mg and depending how it goes, I may also start tapering down more slowly soon. Am playing it by ear. My worst nightmare is to get off this gd awful stuff, have my celebration party, and then find myself in poor Flowercrazy's situation!!! Would rather do it right the first time. :)

I don't know what the lowest dose of Lexapro is ... 10mg? ... so it would figure that you need to taper in even smaller increments.

Oh Lordy, what fun!!! Good luck, keep us updated.

Hi Sandalla, Wow. What a day! I don't really know who else I can talk to, that's why I got on this site. My mom is the kind of person who is all about her. My sisters are good listeners but are both going through their own trauma right now with the death of my brother-in-law and the other one is going to be kicking her jerky husband out soon. We don't have a women's center here, that's too bad now that you mention it. We do have a mental health center but it's not free. You still have to pay something. No money at all. I am stuck in a pit that I let my depression dig me into and now I have to claw my way out. After I took my first 75 mg today, my hives pretty much disappeared, so did my nausea, shakes and headache. It's a pity but yes, I am going to have to stay on it so I can straighten out my life somehow. I don't have anyone to go with me to file for medicaid. I don't have anyone to help me do anything basically. That's what really stinks about all of this is I feel like everyone is abandoning me. I even make sure not to overburden people with my problems, I certainly don't whine so I am getting very bitter about it. You know, everyone needs you until it's your turn and then try and find them! At least I know now what happens when trying to go off the meds too quickly. I won't make that mistake again. I've got to figure something out to get some help and fast. Something has got to give.
flower crazy

Flowercrazy,
Oh God, honey...I wish I could do more to help you. I too am the family savior. And I, too, geta lot of excuses when it is finally (and almost never) "my turn." I am just wracking my brain for finding ways for you to get the meds you need to stabilize, and then work from there. I don't know what to tell you except that you have GOT to do whatever it takes to get these meds, even if it means dragging yourself in to fill out the forms by yourself. I pretty much fell all apart first. Then I got good and angry. It helped. I look at help from other people as an extra these days. I still know how to ask for help, and sometimes i even get it. But when I don't, I have finally learned that i CAN do some things by myself. It is something I never thought I could do, really. And it has taken me 36 years to learn that I could do it. Now---now I am learning HOW to do it. (lol!) I believe in you, honey. You CAN do this! In fact, in many ways you are being much stronger than I am. Here I am terrified to go up a notch, and you KNOW what you need to do and are doing it! Don't discount your strength. Others see it even when you don't.
And hey...WE CARE!!!!
kimba

Sandalla,
Hey babe! Wish I had checked your post last night! Yep, I skipped last night's dose and took it when I woke up this morning. But I feel just fine! In fact, last night for the first time in awhile, I had no trouble falling asleep! It was WONDERFUL! I did wake up a few times here and there, so I am a little tired, but just fine!
So...you are on to my indecision, huh? (lol) Well, my cover's blown now! ;) Actually, that last post WAS my form of a decision(lol!). I really haven't had a problem in a few days, plus I just switched to the A.M.. So I am definitely not going back up. As for going down, if I feel fine by this weekend, I will take it down again and see what happens. If I notice the same thing as last week happening, then I will know it is too fast of a taper now that I am at the tail end. And I will just change the increments. i am actually feeling pretty positive about everything at this point. GEEZ... THAT'S a scary thought!!! :p

Hey Kimba, you don't know how much your words of encouragement mean to me. Truly, because the way I have been feeling this last week is so awful and at least I have you guys to talk to. It's the best move I could've made, going on this site. I went to a non-profit gov. run agency we have here in NH today. It's NH rehabilitation and I talked with someone about helping to get me to a doctor and maybe get my meds switched. I'll find out by the end of this week, hopefully. You're right, I've got to do something and I know that. My neighbor is a schizophrenic and she's on meds and really the nicest person. She comes out to talk to me sometimes when I'm out working on my flowers. Well, we talked a bit today about how people who aren't going through this try to understand, but they really can't. And she said she's gone through the med withdrawals herself. So just talking with her even helped. It really is one day, even one hour at a time. I'm glad I'm going through this during the summer, I get even more depressed in the winter without the sun. It's nice to talk to someone who understands the family thing too. I like to call us the "gatekeepers".
flower crazy

Oops, doubled up. Too late at night.

I went to a non-profit gov. run agency we have here in NH today. It's NH rehabilitation and I talked with someone about helping to get me to a doctor and maybe get my meds switched. I'll find out by the end of this week, hopefully. You're right, I've got to do something and I know that.
:bouncing: :cool: :bouncing: :cool: :bouncing:
Atta, Gal, now you're talking. I am sooooo glad you've taken this first step. I just knew you'd pick yourself up and do what ya gotta do. Really! Well done. One step at a time and you'll sort yourself out. What's your feeling that they'll be able to help you? Did they sound positive? And if it doesn't come through, that's fine too, we'll just think of another plan for you. Anything else in mind as a backup???

Forget about all those who don't understand ... yes, yes, I know, easier said than done because at times like this we're sooooo craving being understood ... save your venting and ranting for us here! Just let it all hang out. And if it helps to blow off some steam with your neighbour, that's great too. Venting is very cathartic. That's why I think it'd be great for you to find a professional that you connect with, who you could talk to and get some counselling from. And who isn't trying to just shut you up by getting you to pop another pill.

I had a great relationship with my doc who was my therapist too ... until I woke up to the evils of these drugs, which only happened with the Effexor w/drawal. Really, how can you not wake up? :rolleyes: Unfortunately, we both decided it was best to part company. I was very angry with her, and had this inexplicable, burning need that I just had to make her see the light too, she didn't know how to handle my anger, and it had become hardly therapeutic for me anymore. Also, Effexor made me very aggressive and almost free of any inhibitions - hard to explain - like having no impulse control. So I really was laying into her big time, whereas otherwise I feel I would've done it in a much gentler way. She claimed that for the past 4-5 mths she hadn't been able to get thru to me. I kept trying to tell her to realize she'd been talking to drugs, but she didn't seem to buy it. Unbelievable. I could've sat with her and gone thru her notes one by one and it should've been as clear as day that my personality was changing in front of her eyes! Isn't this what professionals are meant to be trained to recognize? Grrrrrrr .... (guess I'm going off topic again. See, it feels WONDERFUL to have a good old rant! Thanks for listening! )


Anyhow, it was the first time I'd been to therapy and just the talking and the support and the guidance that a professional can bring was incredibly liberating and calming for me. Too bad I didn't just stick with that instead of deciding to mess around with happy pills. But then, my thinking was I'd pop them for a couple of months to take the edge off things and that would be that. I guess in retrospect I thought they were as benign as popping Tyelnols for relief. And here I am 1 1/2 yrs later. Sicker ... but wiser!!! Sometimes think I'd rather be healthier and still dumb! :D

Maybe don't think of switching meds right now, eh? If the 75mg starts working well, why not just enjoy feeling stable for a while, get focused on finding a job where you'll be happy and getting in 'em $$$. You know every drug is going to come with its own set of problems. Why start worrying whether the new stuff's gonna work, what kind of side effects you'll have, etc, etc. 75mg of Effexor is still a low dose and if it's working, just leave it alone for now. You've been through such a rough time, just do whatever you can to distract yourself for now and look forward to having the health to get into more positive things.

Just be good to yourself! :wave:

Thanks Sandalla, we'll see about sticking with the Effexor. The only problem with it is that it does have the zombie effect on me. I don't have any motivation to do anything at all. That's been part of the problem with me finding a job. Well, one step at a time like you said. We'll see first if the state is going to even help me. Yes, this agency is great and the person I met with is outstanding. Been through it himself so he knows exactly what I'm talking about, which is nice. Yes, these drugs all have side effects. That's so weird how for you the Effexor made you more aggressive and for me it makes me want to say "so what" to everything. Which in some cases is good but not in all. I'm feeling better today, it's now been three days of back on the 75 mgs and yes, I'm sure I will need to rant at some point so you guys get ready! I'm meeting with the agency again on Friday so I will keep you posted but until then I will check the post tonight to talk with my new found friends.
flowercrazy

Your motivation problem could also just be cos you're in such a funk right now. Don't get me wrong, I was also a total "don't give a u-no-wot" zombie on this stuff, along with the aggression. Hard to explain, I was aggressive but very impassionate with it. Would blow up for no reason and not even feel guilty. I remember being at a mall and as I was exiting, some guy was entering thru the same door. I actually blocked his way and gave him a look that would kill and felt like I could easily have punched him out. Just for not stepping aside to let me go first. It sounds funny now, but it did worry me intellectually at the time that I seemed to have this new angry and aggressive side to me!!!

But look, going to the state agency was a very big step and something you were very uncomfortable with. You can do what you have to do, and you will do it, Sweetie. Baby steps every day.

Really, if the 75mg is working okay, why not just leave everything alone for now and take control on the job front. Get out there again, meet new people, get out of the house a little ;) and you'll feel so much better already. Then at a later stage you can either try your withdrawal again ... and next time around you should do fine as you'll know exactly how to do it ... or you can think about trying yet another med (IF you really have to!!!).

My advice to you is to rather start looking for more natural ways to try and break out of the depression. CBT, for instance, is meant to be very good and gives you longterm useful skills that won't add experimental chemicals to the brain. But I won't go rambling off in this regard - you know my feelings about these drugs and you don't need to hear me again now. I know you feel it's hereditary, and I'm sure being around depressed people all your life has to rub off on you ... but if you can start looking for out of the box ways to beat it, that would be amazing.

How are you feeling on the 75mg?

I'm going to hold off for another day or so on my own taper ... didn't have a great day today. Running a fever and feeling exhausted, but it normally only lasts a couple of days and then I pick up again. Take care!

:wave: Hi Sandalla, I'm definitely going to see what the doctor says. I find out tomorrow if I CAN go see a doc. The thing is that the low motivation isn't the only problem. I've gained like 30 pounds, I also have colitis and irritable bowel syndrome and the Effexor really aggrevates it! I mean it, I have stomach aches and problems going to the bathroom and I was fine with that when I was off. I know it's that because when I was taking Zoloft years ago it made me have the worst diahrea I've ever had in my life. I went through all kinds of stupid tests including a colonoscopy and the minute I went off of Zoloft, I was fine. So again, I've got my reasons. But I will wait to see what the doc says. It was only six months ago that my brother-in-law died because of a doctor cutting an artery during surgery and now my cousin has to go in Monday to have a similar procedure and we're all scared as hell. Especially him. We made sure the doc was reputable and he would be the one making the incision and so on. But he has to go to the same hospital because if he doesn't have it done right away, he's going to be paralyzed. Same as my brother-in-law. Boy, sometimes life is just one big cruel joke, you know? I mean really! What are the chances we have to go through this again. Jeez, can't we have a breather? We're still grieving over Dick! I still have a lot of anger over losing him and the WAY we lost him. :mad: He was like a brother to me since I was born and he didn't deserve to go the way that he did. Anyway, I'll let you know what happens tomorrow with the agency.
Thanks for listening!!!
flowercrazy

Hi Flowercrazy, any news on the drug assistance front? Haven't heard from you, keeping fingers crossed they approved you.

I can understand how uptight you must be about your cousin going in for surgery. I'm so sorry you have to all go through this anxiety again so soon. Keep breathing. Your brother-in-law's tragic outcome is the exception, not the rule. Be positive, optimistic and realistic. He'll be just fine.

You've been through a lot and are dealing with a lot of raw emotions. I so wish you could find a non-drug pushing therapist to speak to. Just to let it all hang out.

I really don't blame you wanting to get off the Effexor, I know the side-effects can just be too much! Zoloft was the worst for me regarding the runs too. I was going about 6 times a day at one point. I weighed less than I've ever weighed in my adult life. And now, I weigh more than I've weighed for about 20 years!!! Yeoweee, what fun this ride has been! Thank you, SSRI's, you really are such safe, happy little drugs! :rolleyes:

what are brain zaps??????

Hi Sandalla, I just wrote you a long reply and my stupid computer froze up on me and I lost it! Jeez! Anyway, I'll start over. I have an appointment on Thursday of this week with a shrink but it's just a consult. Then he refers me to another shrink who can write scripts but I hope he has samples to give out, otherwise I'm out of luck. The agency gave me the money to see the doc but I'll have to try and apply for medicaid and SS. The agency can probably help me with the medicaid forms and as for social security they told me to go straight to a lawyer instead of trying to apply myself. Because I could collect from over 15 months ago the lawyer could get it faster. I'll have to do some checking on this. I feel horrible this weekend, I am constipated like crazy and it makes my bowels have painful spasms. It's the Effexor doing this, because while I was off of it, that was the only thing that didn't hurt anymore. That's interesting you had that problem with Zoloft too. I used to be at work and be pooping all day long. It was horrible. My family was over for coffee this morning and everyone always goes into this "fighting for attention" mode. I will unload on the shrink this week believe me! But I'm really glad I've got you and Kimba to relate to the family stuff. It helps A LOT! How about you? How are you feeling today? Got any withdrawals this morning? Let me know, I care about you guys too! Even though it's only been a short time we've been writing, it's helping me tremendously and I feel "invested" in your welfare as well.
flowercrazy

Brain zaps are when you feel totally out of control and then all of a sudden, you feel back in control and don't know what the heck is going on. It's hard to explain but it's basically your brain sending signals in an erratic manner.
flowercrazy

is there a way to control brain zaps?....how long does it take to completely go away?

Hi Flowercrazy. Thanks for the sweet words. Yes, we're all just typing to computer screens but we know there are real people with very real problems at the other end, and you can't help caring and being concerned. I can't imagine having had to go thru this without this board.

And that's a real compliment to everyone who works these boards. Thank you, thank you! It must give them a lot of satisfaction to know they're providing such a critical need.

So glad to hear you've had some luck with at least getting into seeing the shrinks. Yes, beg, plead, cry, wail, stomp, scream ... do whatever you can to get some samples. The docs can get them in abundance from Wyeth, and Wyeth l-o-v-e-s handing them out to docs! Have you even tried calling Wyeth directly and trying to get some samples from them? Probably a ridiculous question. As if ... But who knows ... You could try a couple of different tactics. Call first and ask to speak to the nurse, and try the "sympathy" tactic first, ie don't yell at her, tell her you understand that she just works there and apologize if it sounds like you're taking it out on her, but you're in a terrible state, etc, etc, etc. Just maybe you'll hit upon someone with some conscience. If not, then you can yell and scream at her!!! LOL! Get it off your chest! :blob_fire

Will you have to pay for the lawyer? Can the agency help you with that too? Anyhow, sounds like they're being very understanding and supportive, which is wonderful.

I'm doing fine except for the morning shivers. I'm way down to 6mg today, so am thinking of ways to change my strategy - there's no way I'm going to be able to get through these shivers all day, so at some point I can see myself maybe having to start tapering by fractions of a miligram. Can you believe it? This stuff is sooooo potent. Who'd believe you can go thru w/drawal at 6mg!!!

Okay, take care and keep trekking. You're doing great.

what are brain zaps??????
Actually, brain "zaps" has become the common lingo for the electric type shocks that you feel in the brain and other parts of your body. I got them in my head and down my right arm into my fingers. They're not painful, just disturbing (particularly if you don't know about them beforehand).

If this is what you're experiencing, many people swear by Benadryl. I never tried it myself though.

What Flowercrazy has described, I'd just call brain "**bleeps**". LOL! This drug really does **bleep** with the brain. You feel totally weird sensations in the brain that can be very hard to explain, until you experience it.

I'm getting the brain "shivers" which is exactly that. It feels as if the brain is vibrating or shivering in your head. Almost like it's just suspended, and you can feel it moving! Eeeek! :eek: :eek: :eek:

There's no answer for how long they take to go away. Everyone will have their own experience. The only thing we know for absolute sure, is that if you taper off very, very, slowly, you reduce your chances of going through Hell.

Hi Sandalla, YOU'RE DOING GREAT TOO! Wow! 6mg. Good for you, I applaud you. Yesterday was shear hell on the other end of the scale. I didn't have any withdrawals because I went back on the 75mg but my colitis really kicked in and I was in agony all day and night. So today, I opened up the capsule and took half. I figure I've been back on now for a week and doing good so I would for today see how it went. I can't stand all these problems. I don't think Wyeth would give samples without a doctor asking. I don't think they do that. But maybe I'm wrong. My cousin is in surgery right now and we're feeling pretty good about it. We really made sure this doc knows what he's doing and that he's the only one who will be touching him. Plus I prayed to my brother-in-law and asked him to be there for the whole thing to keep an eye on it! I know he will. Yeah, I would have to pay for the lawyer for SS but because it can take a couple of years to get the back money owed to me on my own it would be incredibly faster to do it this way and he takes a third. It sucks but seriously, it will take forever and a lot of bureaucratic grief to get what's already mine. Isn't that something? I have to pay to get the money I already worked for. That's the system.
flowercrazy

:rolleyes:
Hey you two! I don't post for a couple of days and look what happens! (lol!) Oh MY GOD!!!! I am so proud of you flowercrazy! Such a big and difficult step! I just knew you could do it. Sandalla. what would we do without you, honey? Just remember we want to hear about what you are doing too....
Big weekend....busy. Went down to 1mg. (okay, somwhere between 1 and 2). :jester: On the up side of things, I invited my husband's friends over Saturday night. It helped to be doing something different, and it is difficult to do the "hiding" thing when people are right in your lap! Sunday I packed everyone up and started a family gathereing at my in-law's pool. The sun, company, and getting out of the house were good for me...as was my obvious effort at "familyness" . The down side was that I fought with my husband and now I feel sad and tired and just out of energy and ideas for how to fix my marriage or what to do about what has been going on with us for the last two years (coincidentally, also the amount of time I spent on lexapro :bouncing: ). I feel alone, and i spent the morning crying today. But then, I also exercised today and actually took a shower and dressed myself up. Go figure. I am hoping that when school starts next week, the structure will help out my mood and motivation some. No physical effects yet since that small (and gratefully brief) spell of athanasia. Just tired today. :yawn: We will see how bad it gets in a few weeks when I am all the way off. At least I am more prepared this go-round. I feel for our new chat mate here....I am hoping the brain zaps, tremors and "flu" don't come back this time. Cross your fingers...if it goes well, we tackle the Wellbutrin in October! SSRI's be d.....ed!!!!
Hope to hear from you two tonight. If I can be really honest...I could use the boost. You are right...I am SO craving someone who understands how desparately awful and lonely this can be. Sorry guys...I will buck up tomorrow. Remember...if I made a few jokes here--then i am still hanging in there and confident I can overcome. :) Missed you guys!

:wave: Kimba! Missed you this weekend. I'm here on line if you need to talk. My cousin went into surgery for his back today and boy did we worry! His surgery started at 1:30 pm and he didn't get out until 8:30 pm. By 7 we were doing a little freaking out. Lots of flash backs about that awful day that my brother-in-law went into surgery. When I see the counselor this week I am going to really go on about that because I'm still sooooo angry! :blob_fire I'm so sorry your marriage is suffering, I hope you can work things out. I know that depression can mess everything up! Believe me, I haven't had a healthy sexual relationship with my boyfriend of three year in quite awhile. That's partly because of these pills. I have no idea who the real me is anymore. I also used to be extremely spiritual and for the last couple of years I've really lost interest in everything. Well, you hang in there Kimba sweetie. You're doing great!!! :D We're here if you need us!!!
flowercrazy

Can Someone Tell Me How To Control Brain Zaps???

Hey Flowercrazy and Kimba! How are you both doing? Flowercrazy, how's your cousin getting along? Kimba, hope your emotions have settled down since your last post.

Yes, without a doubt that is one of the worst things about having to go through this. You can feel just so alone sometimes, because unless you've been through it yourself, no-one can truly understand the severity of it, and how much it affects one, both physically and mentally. In the beginning I used to get so down, as I felt so unsupported. As if people didn't believe me. And why should they? There are many people who get on these drugs and off of them without any problems, for sure! And also, if it's not considered a well-known or documented phenomena, it doesn't help.

Once I learned to stop trying to convince people and just let it go, things turned around for me. I have a few friends who are wonderfully supportive, and there are others who have no inkling or understanding. And that's fine, that's the way life works. If you start beating yourself up, it makes things worse.

That's why I always say ... just come here ... spew it all out. It's very cathartic.

I went down to 5mg yesterday. So far so good. The only thing I can complain about are the brain shivers and tinnitus in the mornings. I get the same good old low grade fevers which I've been living with for 7 mths already, so big deal! I get my day here and there of slight nausea and fatigue ... but man, is this a breeze compared with the first time.

Let's hear how you're all doing now.

Can Someone Tell Me How To Control Brain Zaps???
Summer, I'm confused. Do you know for sure you have the brain "zaps"? You'll have to described in detail what you're going through and then maybe we can try and figure it out.

Let us know.

:wave: Hi Sandalla, great to hear from you. I was just thinking about writing in so I'm glad you did. My cousin is doing great, thank you for asking. The day of surgery was tough, he was in there a long time. But this doctor did a great job and is soooo nice. He's restored our faith in surgeons. My poor sister has mixed feelings about it. Although she is extremely happy that my cousin had such a great doctor and is doing well, she only wishes that Dick (her husband) would have had the same chance. It's tough, I can't blame her. We all feel the same way. I went to see that therapist yesterday for the first time. He was such a nice man and very understanding. Unfortunately, he cannot do meds so he has to refer me to a medic that works with that counseling agency and they have to call and make a seperate appointment for that. That was yesterday and I haven't heard spit from them yet. I'll give it until Tuesday since Monday is a holiday and then I'll give them a call. I don't even know how soon I'll be able to get in. I have another appointment with this therapist on Monday, the 13th. Just talking to him really helped. Glad to hear you're doing good today. It's been absolutely gorgeous whether here in New England so that helps me a lot. Kimba hasn't written in a few days, hope she's doing alright. :D
flowercrazy

Hey Gal ... sooooooo glad to hear you sounding more perky! Excellent that your cousin's doing so well (albeit with mixed feelings)! And I'm sooooo happy you were able to connect with this therapist. Makes the world of difference to be able to offload, doesn't it? Worth a million "happy pills" without the side-effects!

How's the withdrawal going?

Please keep us updated and hang in. You're doing grrreat! :bouncing:

:wave: Hi Sandalla, how are you this morning? Been taking my meds at night now instead of the morning and it seems to be helping a little bit. Yesterday I was okay but Friday night and Saturday I was hurting a lot with my IBS. I spent a lot of the weekend with one of my best friends. I'm doing his landscaping for him because he just bought a mobile home last year and the flowers and plants were over grown with weeds. Wheww! What a job, I was sooo pooped yesterday. :yawn: But it's looking great. We went out and bought all kinds of new perennials and it looks awsome. It felt good to be doing something and keeping my mind off of stuff. My boyfriend and I haven't been getting along lately. We've been together three years and I'm not sure if we really are just friends now or what. I'm bored out of my mind with him, he's very rigid in his ways. Well, got to run for now. Haven't seen any post from Kimba, I wonder how she's doing! :angel:
flowercrazy

Hey, sounds like fun all that gardening. I don't have a garden myself, but I think I could really get into it. Nurturing plants and watching them grow is wonderful.

Take your time with the b/f. Could it be the whole stress thing with withdrawal adding to your frustration? Is he supportive at all? But at least you're sounding in a better frame of mind. Keep it up.

Yes, Kimba hasn't posted for a while. Hopefully this means she's too busy having fun!

I had a couple of very bad days but can feel myself climbing out of it now. Thank goodness! Ooooh, the fun of withdrawal. Wooopeeee! :rolleyes:

:) Hi Sandalla, sorry you had a rough couple of days. Hope you're doing better today. I am not. The side effects from the effexor are waking me up every morning at 4 am with extreme pains from my IBS and colitis. This whole process is frustrating me so much I spent about a half hour in tears this morning. The health center where I went for therapy is soooo slow. My earliest appointment for med check and evaluation is the 30th of this month, and I had to keep calling them to see if I could get in at all! :mad: Very aggrevating. I am so sick of waking up in the middle of the night hurting like that. It feels like I my whole torso is in a vice that is squeezing me to death. It's all gas pain trapped in my back because my bowels are in terrible spasms. I can't get a job until I feel good enough to work and I can't get insurance without a job. This whole process feels like it will take forever. I don't know why I should even bother filing for social security. By the time they deny me the first time (and they deny just about everyone), it'll be months later and I'll have to get a lawyer and so on and so on. I can't get on medicaid because you have to be on SS at least two years to qualify. Can you believe it? Who the hell set up this system anyway?!!! :blob_fire On a better note, you really should try gardening. I never used to be into it at all and three years ago I started renovating my folks house and now I have a beautiful flower garden. I just finished my best friends house and will do more to it in the spring. It came out wonderful and I love doing it. I'm really good at it and want to do that for a living. Design landscapes and even some botany. Well, hope you're well today. Let me know. :D
flowercrazy

:D :D :D
:dizzy:
HELLO!!!!!!

Hi guys! Yes i am still alive! I know, you two are ready to kill me, right? Sorry :dizzy: it's been a really busy time. The boys are off and running at school now. Speech therapy starts next week. The house is in order, my husband's office is in order, and the kids are doing their thing! I actually packed up and left for a three day weekend (without husband or boys). i went to a girlfriends' house. She has been a friend since junior high, and knows what is going on with me right now. She has not been through it herself, but is really supportive of me. it was nice to let someone else mother me for a change, you know? i am very lucky.
So...I am totally off the lexapro now! :bouncing: Let the games begin!!! Some stomache cramping the first couple of days, some nauseau, a little crabbiness in the late evening ( no akathasia yet, thank god), a little tired. In between 2 different school schedules, speech therapy, running the household, and running the office, I can still manage to take a nap if I really need to. Just trying to listen to my body like you say, Sandalla. I was feeling pretty good and I think I pushed it and did a little much, so I am tired now. just have to pace myself on the good days, I guess. As for the stomach stuff, as long as i snack a little and eat regularly, it is not very noticeable. No brain zaps yet, although I noticed some muscle tremors over the weekend. Last night my legs felt crazy, so it was hard sleeping. But hey, if it stays like this, or even a little worse, it will be a cake compared to last time! :bouncing:
So what do you guys think the chances are of it being a little easier this time? I feel like I am waiting for the sky to fall on my head right now. But I am pretty upbeat, and ready to just dig my heels in this time. If things are okay in October, I will tackle the Wellbutrin. It hasn't given me as much trouble as the lexapro ( I think) but I just want my body back.....
I have more positive things to share with both of you in my next post (gotta run) about how I am cutting off some known trouble spots. Overall, I am doing pretty good! Flowercrazy, I'd like to talk to you more about your medical family crisis experience. I know EXACTLY where you are coming from, having been there myself. Sandalla, tell us more about your weaning/withdrawal...we want to help you as much as you have helped us! God, I missed you guys!
kimba

Hey Kimba,
Glad to hear you are doing well and hanging in there! I wish I could of made it without getting back on meds but...Anyhow, it was good hearing from you, take care and good luck!

:wave: Kimba, girlfriend! Sooo glad to hear from you. When we don't, we get worried. Glad you are keeping busy. Boy, I don't know what to tell you about how it's going to be for you this time around. It's so hard to tell right now. Only you will be able to know. But I commend you for trying. The last couple of days have been tough for me. Not feeling well at all. I'm trying to go down to 37.5 again. This time, I haven't gone cold turkey and I've still got it in my system so I hope it will be okay. I've been taking it at night instead of the morning so hopefully it will help. My appointment with the health center doc about my meds aren't until the 30th which sucks but I've made it this long I suppose to can make it til then. :rolleyes: I'm going to see my job counselor tomorrow so I'll keep you guys posted on how that is going. He's just as frustrated with the process of medical care as I am.
Glad to hear from ya!! Missed ya and can't wait to hear more.
flowercrazy

Hi Pamela, haven't heard from you in awhile. How are you doing? Keep us posted on your progress. Don't feel bad about going back on meds. I had to also and it sucks because I have side effects but it's better than feeling like I'm going to die all the time.
flowercrazy

I know, I hear ya! Right now I am struggling with the main side effect of being sooo tired and un-motivated! I HATE THAT!! I am usually very energetic and like to get thing's done but I am quickly remembering WHY I wanted to try getting off these meds in the first place...oh well, if its not one thing its the other, ya know??? But, since I upped my dose again recently I am feeling better psychologically but dragging big time...

By the way, I hope you guys don't mind my joining in with you...I don't know WHAT happened to my old group...they haven't posted in a long time! Hope they are doing okay...

:wave: Pamela, you can write anytime. Some days no one posts and some days it's a big old pity party on here. Either way, you are more than welcome. That's what we're here for. I haven't even been on here very long and feel very welcome and cared for. I try to check in as often as possible and always respond. This site has helped me a great deal. Feel free to talk about anything you want and I promise to write you back. :)
flowercrazy

:o
Hi Pamela and Flowercrazy,
Well, the weekend was pretty bad. Mostly in the evenings. But I am also expecting my period any day now. Guess I will have to wait till after that to tell if it is PMS or withdrawals. (or both! :bouncing: ) Like to write more, but I am really dragging tail right now, and I still have some office work I have to try and finish. I'll post more later. Just didn't want you guys to worry. Where's Sandalla?
kimba

Thanks! I appreciate that. It really helps to have people you can rely on and relate to!!

Hi Kimba girl! Haven't heard anything from Sandalla for days. Hope she's alright. I'm also due to start my period. Actually a couple of days late and I'm miserable. All that stomach trouble I have because of the pills makes my period quirky every month. So who knows, maybe tomorrow. Write more when you can!
flowercrazy

Yo! Here I am, Guys. Sorry, actually got stuck on the other Do's and Dont's thread "welcoming" :rolleyes: some poor newbies. Maybe you two will want to go and offer some positive support there too.

Anyhow, Flowercrazy, I'm sensing a big difference in your attitude ... even with all that awful stomach pain you're having! Am I right? I sure hope you're starting to feel a little calmer knowing that you're on the right track and that you'll slowly but surely start seeing a lot more good days than bad. OK, so you have to wait until the 30th. That's OK as long as you have enough meds to keep you going until then. And file for the SS ... just do whatever you have to. Actually, I noticed there's another board here "Health Insurance". I haven't looked at it, but maybe you should visit there too, and see if anyone has any tips to offer. Keep up the gardening and whatever else gives you some relaxation. Extra stress is a killer added to this whole withdrawal drama.

Kimba, you're also sounding very positive and perky. This is great! I know the feeling of waiting for the sky to fall in. I've had to sit at the teeny-weeny dose of 2.5mg for a bit as I can really feel it emotionally now. Man oh man! Today I feel wonderful, but yesterday, I could've spent the whole day crying and feeling very agitated inside. Have decided that the best thing for me is to tackle the last little step super slowly. Have decided to go down by 0.5mg every 4 days or so. So what's another extra few weeks when it's been over 7mths already?!! :eek:

Pamela, I've read a couple of your other posts and see how badly you really want to be med-free. Has it occurred to you at all that maybe your mood funks are combined with withdrawal and the havoc this stuff plays on you emotionally? Just wondering? What do you think? Could that be a possibility at all? Have you actually been med-free long enough to know the difference? Just speaking from experience from what I've been going through the last couple of weeks, I'd consider myself some days in the depth of deep depression again ... and then it passes and I have a few normal days and then a couple of bad days ... and so on! I just know that going back on this stuff is not an option at all for me, so I have to keep moving forward.

Hi Sandalla,
In response to your post...I WISH I could be med-free, and from some of your posts I know you are a strong advocate of that...which is GREAT! But...I guess you could say that I am a big chicken and weak because I just can't seem to face all those emotions again, or at least not now. My quality of life is soooo much better while on meds then it was off of them. I feel much more at peace on them. I feel bad that I am one of those types who rely on my meds to get by. I don't know what else I can say about it.

Oh Pam, don't feel bad. I'm in the same boat. I can't go without meds either and I don't know that I will really be able to. Sandalla and Kimba are two of the exceptions who have suffered through a lot to get to where they are now. I'm not willing to go through that since I've been sick with other illnesses all of my life and don't want to put myself through any more pain than I already can stand. I think my illnesses contribute a lot to my depression and anxiety and I know that. But when I wasn't on meds, I really was out of control with mood swings and terrible anger issues. It's a catch 22 and everyone is different and has to decide for themselves what the answer is. So stop being so hard on yourself and if you feel you need to stay on them then do so. I myself can't even cut the dose in half without feeling dizzy and sick as a dog. So I prefer to let the doc tell me what I should do. We can be on these drugs and still have our down days. I'm having a couple right now. I've got my period and not feeling so hot. So it's normal and at least I know I can still feel some emotions. Just continue to listen to your body and what's best for you!
flowercrazy

Hi Sandalla,
In response to your post...I WISH I could be med-free, and from some of your posts I know you are a strong advocate of that...which is GREAT! But...I guess you could say that I am a big chicken and weak because I just can't seem to face all those emotions again, or at least not now. My quality of life is soooo much better while on meds then it was off of them. I feel much more at peace on them. I feel bad that I am one of those types who rely on my meds to get by. I don't know what else I can say about it.
No, no, no, no! I'm not saying you're chicken or weak at all! Would I suffer through a migraine just to be a martyr, when I can take a Tylenol and be done with it?! Not at all. That's not at all where I'm coming from. If your quality of life is so much better on them, well, there's not a lot to say. As long as you're aware and educated ... IF ... any bad side-effects crop up. And luckily for you, you seem to be one of the lucky one's who does benefit from these drugs without a zillion extra problems.

I just read in your words how badly you wish you didn't need them, and know that in your own time, when you're ready, you'll be able to get off of them! Listen to your body, and do what's good for you. :)

Hopefully, one day, maybe I will give it another try...I feel like a wimp because maybe I didn't stick it out long enough to know for sure. Oh well.

Hopefully, one day, maybe I will give it another try...I feel like a wimp because maybe I didn't stick it out long enough to know for sure. Oh well.

Don't beat yourself up. It's hard enough to face depression, and take medication, and deal with side effects, without judging yourself on top of it.

You're not a wimp! Be good to yourself!

:wave:
Hi Girls!

Okay....kimba has some opinions of her own. Pammy. :nono: Never, never judge yourself about depression and medication. You are not a wimp. I have actually never met a person that was diagnosed with depression that WAS a wimp. The wimps are the people out there who are sick, and stupidly won't ask for help. On the contrary, if you read the thousands of posts that come through this depression board, we are the bravest, strongest group of people! If you are truly suffering from depression, yet you continue to get up EVERY day and struggle once again to make yourself better, you are by no means a wimp! We, all of us here, are doing whatever it takes, each and every day, to get well. We are strong.
Sandalla would never tell you to come off of your medication if being ON the medication is what works for you. If it actually DOES improve your quality of life. Unfortunately, Sandalla and I have had a much different experience on our medication. I do not have a problem admitting that I suffer from depression. And thatI will probably have to take medication during some periods of my life. I DO have a problem with the medication I was prescribed, the doctor who prescribed it and doesn't know enough about it, and the drug company who isn't interested in publicizing the problems with this med, but to make more money off it instead. I have been treated for depression on and off since I was 18. It always occurs when I have two or three major life changes or crises at the same time. (and yes, this has happened 2 or 3 times)! I always have the same symptoms, and behave and react in the same way. I take the meds, and am off again in 6 months at the longest, no problem. Not this time.
The lexapro initially made me feel well enough to start dealing with my life again. The day to day stuff, and also the "biggies." You know, the ones that you figure out you are going to have to figure out some coping strategies, some different ways of approaching things in your life? I was doing it, but not getting better all the way. Its like I had good improvement, then got stuck on a plateau. I ended up on this stuff for TWO YEARS!!! Two years during which I said and did things that are so contrary to who I am. I was so ready so many times to quit. And you know what I mean by quit. It wasn't all the drug. I will say that. I was in a really bad situation to begin with. Then the medication added to it. It actually kept me at a low level of depression (but better than when I started). Talk about confusing! Then I even started getting WORSE after a year or so on the med. He already had upped me as far as I could go, because every time i came in I told him it was helping, but not making me altogether well, as in the past. I found out later this is breakthrough...my body's built up tolerance to the drug. And instead of insisting on switching to something else, I let him talk me into ADDING MORE DRUGS!!!! Lexapro, Trazadone, Wellbutrin XR. I was a walking drug advertisement! On the wellbutrin, I noticed a difference. Very soon on too. It was more like the experience I have had on my depression before. The side effects of the drugs were getting to be too much for me (not to mention the cost!). I felt well enough to come off. I had started to feel like the lexapro was actually MAKING me depressed. Hard to explain unless you have felt it. It wasn't MY depression (internal). It was something making me depressed (external). That is the best way I know how to describe it. So I asked the doctor to take me off. Then the REAL fun began. All of this withdrawal stuff. I made it through two years of taking this stuff and having it mess me up, only to have a problem NOT taking it. If I wanted to quit life here and there ON the drug.....I never came so close as to actually doing it, as I did during withdrawals. Long story short, I have a diary of all that happened during the two years. And I did all kinds of experiments with the med. And if you look at all that I have written, and how experimenting on and off the drug (since my doctor refused to help) was, it is a textbook example of withdrawal. You can clearly see it is the lexapro that is the problem.
The medication initially helped us Pam. But then it started to really mess us up. Only you would never suspect it's your medicine. It's a PRESCRIPTION after all! Then we became walking pharmaceutical cocktails. Then we practically are killing ourselves and abusing our bodies to get off this stuff. OUR quality of life was RUINED by our prescribed medications. Sandalla is not telling you to take or not take medicine. She is not telling anyone they are weak for taking medication. She (and I ) have been injured;hurt. Betrayed by something that was supposed to help. She just wants you to make sure that YOUR medication is doing what it is supposed to be doing for you, and not harming you. She is asking you to just be really careful and learn to tune into your body. Listen to what your body is telling you. I didn't. And I am paying for it now. But if your body is telling you that the medication is helping you, making your life better, than by all means take it. Sandalla and Flowercrazy and I wouldn't have it any other way! Just BE CAREFUL! Watch your side effects. If it starts to not work for you anymore, don't assume that increasing the dosage or adding in different medicines on top of the original one, is the answer. That's all.
I am pretty sure this is what both of my "drug angels" (Sandalla and Flowercrazy) :angel: want you to know and understand. And also that we (all 3 of us) are here to support you on whatever decision you make. That's what these healthboards are for: support and information. You got the support first. Now you have some information. I only wish I had had someone to tell me BEFORE it happened to ME!
God bless you honey...we are here!

P.S. Second week totally off the lexapro and holding steady through the waves, gals! (YEAH!!!!) :wave:

:wave: Wow! How could anyone beat that letter Kimba! You go girl!!! Pam, Kimba is right about us and our good intentions with you. And she's also right about the effects of the drug. I too have had problems after being on a certain drug after a year or two. This is how it is with most medicines. Your body will eventually build up an immunity to everything and it will start to work against you. Again, it's such a catch 22. It really is. I think Kimba explained it to you the best any of us could so I won't bother to do it all over again. :D But I will say this, depression should be dealt with the same 12 step program as AA or drug addiction. Especially the "one day at a time" motto. I have learned the hard way to live by that motto because I can't handle anything else. Unfortunately we have all had disasters in our lives that make the depression even worse. And this website is definitely showing us that we are strong and brave. I wish I knew what it was like to wake up and love my life and really appreciate it. But I can't and I don't. I hate that about myself because there are so many people much, much worse off than me. But my life is my priority, not theirs. So I figure that gives me the right to feel different. Not pity myself by any means! :nono: I wish I could do more to help other people even more than myself. That makes me happy. So if we are helping you at all, I'm truly thankful for that.
flowercrazy

I also want to add for Kimba and Sandalla that I went to file for Social Security today and it was not as bad as I had thought. I got a really nice lady that did the interview with me and I went really prepared with all of my medical records and paperwork so she was happy about that. It took two hours though, but it's done and now comes the waiting. It can take between 3 to 6 months to get an answer. :eek: That blows. But I have a lot of money coming to me for being disabled for over a year. I see my therapist again tomorrow and I will let you guys know how that went. Hope you all are doing good today, you too sickofeffexor!!! I'm always thinking about you guys and how you give me the encouragement and support I need to keep going with this stuff! :wave:
flowercrazy

:wave:
Hi Girls!

Never, never judge yourself about depression and medication. You are not a wimp. I have actually never met a person that was diagnosed with depression that WAS a wimp. The wimps are the people out there who are sick, and stupidly won't ask for help. On the contrary, if you read the thousands of posts that come through this depression board, we are the bravest, strongest group of people! If you are truly suffering from depression, yet you continue to get up EVERY day and struggle once again to make yourself better, you are by no means a wimp! We, all of us here, are doing whatever it takes, each and every day, to get well. We are strong.

That was a great post! It is so true. It take much more strength and courage to get up every day and face life when you are staring depression in the face.

All you girls on this board are great!!!

Hi All, just checkin' in!

Kimba, your post made me smile ... the way you came to my defense like that was very sweet ... thank you for your loyalty! ;)

Flowercrazy, you've come such a long way since your first post! Hopefully your SS will come thru sooner rather than later, and having this therapist to speak with once in a while is great. What's happening with you physically? You don't talk about that side much now ... which I'm HOPING means that there's not much to talk about! :angel:

I'm at 1.5 teeny weeny itsy bitsy miligrams. Am still going verrrrry slowly now that I'm right at the tail end ... it's sooooo tempting to just stop now, but it's been such a long haul, I'm using every ounce of willpower to not mess up right at the finish line!

:wave: Hello everyone! How's my troop doing today? I'm having a really down week. Lots of family issues getting me angry and I'm feeling like a punching bag. Also, I have a killer headache today that didn't help anything. My side effects are still ever present, just not dealing with that part of it today (thank God). Went to therapy today which was good considering my folks were pounding on my self esteem. :( Just all around down and crying. Feeling like crap. That's pretty much it in a nutshell. Just checking in and seeing how everyone else is fairing today.
flowercrazy

:wave: Hello everyone!

Man, you guys are great for my self-esteem! (which HAS taken a beating the past couple of years). Pam...how are the meds going? Which one? What dose? Having any side effects? Noticed improvement yet? Sorry for all the questions...I am having a manic moment! LOL!!! :bouncing:
Flowercrazy....way to go on the SS!! Feels good to have tackled it and gotten it done, doesn't it? I hate the way that things seem so overwhelming that I just feel like I can't start. Even when I am beginning to get through the withdrawal, I still find myself procrastinating on some things. Just can't motivate myself to try sometimes. I'm sorry you are in a down swing. Been there too. I felt pretty good the week before last. Positive and everything. This past week, though...there were some moments (evenings mostly) I really wanted to go back on rather than tough it through the withdrawal process. We will both be up and down many times....isn't it nice to be able to come here and vent to people who really UNDERSTAND?
Well, ladies...I have gotten through two whole weeks off the lexapro. Some headaches, but the akathasia and head zaps and bad nausea I had last time have not happened this time. Keep your fingers crossed. Most of what I am noticing is that in the evening, I get really crabby, and have a lot of anxiety. But it is different from the akathasia and panic attacks I had last time. I am positive of that. I am wondering if it is the wellbutrin. I have read on a couple of other threads that some people have noticed the crabbiness and anxiaty attacks on the wellbutrin. It seems worst in the late evening, so I am wondering if it has to do with the timing of my dose (I take it with breakfast, fairly early in the da