I don't have suicidal thoughts or anything, but somedays I just wonder how in the world I am going to get through my life.
I am not a jealous person, but I often think how life could be if I didn't have this clinical and situational depression....Everyday is a struggle, somedays are pretty good and I actually almost feel normal (like I did before my last baby). But some days I am so depressed...my docs just don't know how to help me anymore and I really haven't liked the counseling thing.
I had a complete physical this past week...I'm doing ok right now, but my doctor still has me on 400mgs of Wellbutrin and 3mgs of xanax a day...at one time I was hoping I would be able to get off the meds, but now it looks like I'll be on them for life...we tried the weaning off thing this past winter and that was NOT good!!! Talk about feeling crazy....I felt like I was in a whole different world..my home didn't even feel like my own, I felt like a stranger and I felt so desperate and I felt like just running away from it all.
My children keep me going...ages 17,13,9,and 6...my youngest has an awful disease and that in itself keeps me very busy....but I feel my husband is so unsupportive...I try to talk to him about the way I feel, but he just doesn't want to hear or talk about.
Life seems so hard and it seems right now for me that it's so long, how can we deal with this day after day...I feel like there is a time bomb ticking away inside of me and I'm afraid of the day that it goes off....my worse fear is someday being hospitalized due to this illness....How do the rest of you do it? Is it a daily struggle for most of you? Like I said some days are better than others, but to constantly depend on prescription drugs scares me, especially when my docs say they can't up the dosages anymore. :confused:

You should keep doing what your doing, what got you to the dance. Outline what in your life will increase the good days over the bad. I do think depression is a medical illness like any other that for some needs life-long treatment. Theres alot of factors that are contributing to the way you feel. Unsupportive husband, unhealthy child, etc. Medication is only a crutch. You still have to walk. I dont know your situation completely but, my only advice is to sit down with yourself andeven with a counselor, and evaluate your life and things you can do naturally, spiritually, and any other way outside of medication to improve how you feel. Let medication be your assistant to the way you overcome this, not the manager. Theres is a timebomb. I know it cos I have it as well. Itll always tick. But it never has to go off.

Thanks for your reply...Manapart....I like that name, it kind of feels like me, I feel like I am a woman apart from the rest of the world...It feels like everyone else around me is "living" their lives while I am just struggling each day to get by....the only thing that has gotten me this far in life is my children...I have seen 3 different therapists in the past and none of them helped me...they really didn't have any answers for me, they just tried to teach me ways of slowing down and relaxing when I feel overwhelmed...it doesn't work...I constantly feel short of breath for no reason, the only thing that helps is the xanax....I realize the drugs aren't going to cure my depression, but I just don't know what else to do...the stress sometimes is so overwhelming...there are days that I get into my van and I just want to keep driving and never turn back, but then like I said I love my children way too much to ever do that to them....I am just so sick of feeling this way, I want to be happy again or at least have peace in my life...I feel like I am looking for that peace and I just can't find it..it's out of reach for me...it helps to talk about it, but there aren't many people I can confide in...everyone seems too busy to take the time to really listen to me, including my own husband...and the other person I really confide in is a married man so it's not always too convenient to talk to him...(He's just a very good and caring friend.) I just wish there was something else that could be done for depression...I am just so tired of this dark cloud hanging over me. :(

Sweetums,

Do you really think you need that much Xanax? FWIW I take .25 a max of 4x daily. I try and keep it down to 2x if I can. Xanax can sometimes have a paradoxical effect, making you more anxious rather than less. It can even be somewhat neutral in effect, especially if you've been on it for a long while. I'm currently on 9 different meds, so I know how it goes...and yeah, there's a lot of days where it seems there's no hope. -Rod-

I'm not sure how much xanax I need, but when I see my doctor and he see's what a rough time I'm having he always prescribes the xanax...I've been on it for about 7 months now...and it does seem like I am having more and more problems with shortness of breath, I just can't seem to fill up my lungs...it's very frustrating...I use to think the xanax helped with this, but it doesn't seem to be doing the trick anymore...I'm not sure what else to do. :confused:

I would never actually advocate this of course, but I have a bit of a medical background (I was a cardiology tech in my pre-cancer life as well as a commercial Orchid grower) but there are times when I get really stressed (tomorrow after court will be one of those times) and sometimes I'll double dose. I've been on these meds for a very long time, I know how they affect ME, etc...so the danger for ME is non-existant...and the double-dose generally helps. It's just not something one wants to make a habit of, obviously. But when it's really crunch time, if it helps to cope, I'll do it. Otherwise, like I said, I prefer not to take even as much as I'm supposed to. -Rod-