scotty12
08-20-2004, 01:39 PM
ive seen post where so many of you have opened your hearts and although this is a personal issue i would like to know what you think.my marriage has been very rocky lately due to my pain and im trying to explain to my wife what it is im going through.i have written this letter to email her but havent done so yet.i try and speak to her about it but the right words are hard to come by and sometimes clouded with both pain on my part and frustration and anger on her part.thus my reason for putting my feelings down on paper.
i have my reservations about sharing this but i do feel that only those of us who haved lived in pain really understand what we endure so please let me know if im doing the right thing.are my words tainted with resentment.i dont think so but i dont want to add fuel to the fire.i just want my wife to understand.well,here it is.....
[its friday morning,im at my desk at work,im in some very extreme pain and have been for the past couple of weeks now.the chest pain from the broken ribs is very bad but the back pain is unbearable. atleast i know the chest pain will eventually subside as my ribs heal.
i pray this increased back pain is because ive been unable to stretch.i wont be able to keep this up for long.the medication is offering minimal relief at best.ive been waking at 4am nightly from the back pain.although the pain wakes me it doesnt get too bad until i get up and start my day.
i havent been doing well at all in the mornings.it seems the meds i take when i wake really dont bring the pain levels down much at all.ive had to take my second dose of pain medication within 2 or 3 hrs just to be able to stay at work.i havent worked 4 full days in a row for probably a year and a half and judging by the amount of pain ive been in i realize why.
i realize i havent been much help to you lately and i understand your frustration and anger,which has been quite obvious when you speak to me.i do think that our sons behavior is partly due to me not being able to play with him lately and your lack of patience with the both of us.i sincerely wish i could spend more quality time with him.if i have the surgery i wont be able to play with him for quite some time.
i really am sorry but i dont know what else i can do as i just cant stay on my feet by the time i get home from work.hopefully next week,ill be working less and be able to help out with the kids.i know its been a long hard year and i realize the effect my pain is having on our family.if im unable to manage the pain in the coming weeks i think ill have little choice but to schedule the surgery.i really dont feel comfortable having the operation and worry what the future holds for me.thats not a good attitude to hop onto the operating table with and i think that maybe with the additional pain ive been having from the broken ribs im unable to cope with the back pain,im not sure why ive been having such a hard time.the pain has definitely been worse lately and im thinking i might have aggravated my back when i fell.the back pain has been managable in the past thus my reason for trying to ride this out and hope the pain decreases.
my decision to have the surgery will be based on both the level of pain i can endure and the negative impact it has on my life.that includes my relationship with both you and our children along with my ability to continue to work.i strongly believe that you have no idea how hard living with this pain is nor could you understand what its like to go days or weeks with such high level pain.i know i have choices but theyre my choices to make.im not going to be pressured into surgery because you have a hard time dealing with my level of functioning lately.(no offense intended by that statement)
it is just in the past weeks that ive been stricken with this increased pain.ive been here before and the pain did ease off in the past but currently its as bad as its ever been but im hangin in there and hope youll stand by me through this as i do believe it will pass and ill be able to enjoy some quality time with you and our children.please,think twice before you lose your temper at me.when the pain is very bad the last thing i want to do is argue.i may say things i dont mean when i cant focus on anything but the pain and i dont want to hurt you.i do love you.i do want to grow old with you.it just seems like im growing old alot faster than we'd both like.really,things will get better,i promise.just bear with me.]
i have my reservations about sharing this but i do feel that only those of us who haved lived in pain really understand what we endure so please let me know if im doing the right thing.are my words tainted with resentment.i dont think so but i dont want to add fuel to the fire.i just want my wife to understand.well,here it is.....
[its friday morning,im at my desk at work,im in some very extreme pain and have been for the past couple of weeks now.the chest pain from the broken ribs is very bad but the back pain is unbearable. atleast i know the chest pain will eventually subside as my ribs heal.
i pray this increased back pain is because ive been unable to stretch.i wont be able to keep this up for long.the medication is offering minimal relief at best.ive been waking at 4am nightly from the back pain.although the pain wakes me it doesnt get too bad until i get up and start my day.
i havent been doing well at all in the mornings.it seems the meds i take when i wake really dont bring the pain levels down much at all.ive had to take my second dose of pain medication within 2 or 3 hrs just to be able to stay at work.i havent worked 4 full days in a row for probably a year and a half and judging by the amount of pain ive been in i realize why.
i realize i havent been much help to you lately and i understand your frustration and anger,which has been quite obvious when you speak to me.i do think that our sons behavior is partly due to me not being able to play with him lately and your lack of patience with the both of us.i sincerely wish i could spend more quality time with him.if i have the surgery i wont be able to play with him for quite some time.
i really am sorry but i dont know what else i can do as i just cant stay on my feet by the time i get home from work.hopefully next week,ill be working less and be able to help out with the kids.i know its been a long hard year and i realize the effect my pain is having on our family.if im unable to manage the pain in the coming weeks i think ill have little choice but to schedule the surgery.i really dont feel comfortable having the operation and worry what the future holds for me.thats not a good attitude to hop onto the operating table with and i think that maybe with the additional pain ive been having from the broken ribs im unable to cope with the back pain,im not sure why ive been having such a hard time.the pain has definitely been worse lately and im thinking i might have aggravated my back when i fell.the back pain has been managable in the past thus my reason for trying to ride this out and hope the pain decreases.
my decision to have the surgery will be based on both the level of pain i can endure and the negative impact it has on my life.that includes my relationship with both you and our children along with my ability to continue to work.i strongly believe that you have no idea how hard living with this pain is nor could you understand what its like to go days or weeks with such high level pain.i know i have choices but theyre my choices to make.im not going to be pressured into surgery because you have a hard time dealing with my level of functioning lately.(no offense intended by that statement)
it is just in the past weeks that ive been stricken with this increased pain.ive been here before and the pain did ease off in the past but currently its as bad as its ever been but im hangin in there and hope youll stand by me through this as i do believe it will pass and ill be able to enjoy some quality time with you and our children.please,think twice before you lose your temper at me.when the pain is very bad the last thing i want to do is argue.i may say things i dont mean when i cant focus on anything but the pain and i dont want to hurt you.i do love you.i do want to grow old with you.it just seems like im growing old alot faster than we'd both like.really,things will get better,i promise.just bear with me.]
Sponsor
dckatz2001
08-20-2004, 02:21 PM
I don't have time to comment on everything right now but I wanted you to know that my wife and I are going through the exact same frustrations. Just last night we had somewhat of an argument about. I will expand on this when I have more time. Just know that you are not alone in this.
Kissa
08-20-2004, 03:42 PM
Sorry to hear you are having a tough go of it marriage wise. I am quite lucky, I have a great husband who is there for me and understands.
I can't offer much advice but I can say that if you love him deeply and he loves you just as much then it would be a good idea for the two of you to go to counseling together, be it pain management or marriage or both. I think it will give you both a better understand of how each one feels and your marriage can become stronger as a result of it.
It is so hard for those who dont suffer with PM to understand what it is like. in the same terms sometimes we as CP's don't honestly know how hard it can be at times on our loved ones. I could see how someone might get upset if they had to look after someone and take up where their spouse cant. It can be stressful for them working a full time job and then have to try to help out. I'm not saying that is your situation by any means. What I am saying is that one could percieve this. I am very sure it's not an easy job for them. Sometimes I don't know why my husband tolerates me. Well Yes I do know, it is because he loves me unconditionally in sickness and health.
I wish you lots of luck, don't give up and don't blame yourself either. Until you really communicate with him you'll never know how hard it is on his as well. Lets hope is a the type of guy who is willing to share their feelings.
- Barbie
I can't offer much advice but I can say that if you love him deeply and he loves you just as much then it would be a good idea for the two of you to go to counseling together, be it pain management or marriage or both. I think it will give you both a better understand of how each one feels and your marriage can become stronger as a result of it.
It is so hard for those who dont suffer with PM to understand what it is like. in the same terms sometimes we as CP's don't honestly know how hard it can be at times on our loved ones. I could see how someone might get upset if they had to look after someone and take up where their spouse cant. It can be stressful for them working a full time job and then have to try to help out. I'm not saying that is your situation by any means. What I am saying is that one could percieve this. I am very sure it's not an easy job for them. Sometimes I don't know why my husband tolerates me. Well Yes I do know, it is because he loves me unconditionally in sickness and health.
I wish you lots of luck, don't give up and don't blame yourself either. Until you really communicate with him you'll never know how hard it is on his as well. Lets hope is a the type of guy who is willing to share their feelings.
- Barbie
scotty12
08-20-2004, 04:10 PM
barbie,
i think you got a little mixed up im the "him".i have my own business and an understanding business partner who just happens to be on vacation right now.he deserves it.ive been taking quite a bit of time off the past year although i do pull my weight and make sure my work is done so as not to dump it on him.
i havent worked a few days in a row for a long long time and these past 2 weeks have really been causing alot of increased pain.i have no choice but to stay at work even though ive been in constant agony i cant leave.i happened to break a couple of ribs right before he left and and combined with the back pain ive been nothing but a lump by the time i get home.
weve been to counseling.she is very stubborn so it didnt really work well as far as that goes.im still seeing a psych, learning bio feedback and just trying to deal with the pain.the extra burdon has fallen on my wife to look after the kids during the week as im exhausting all ive got at work.she works 2 days a week and we have sitters those days.
you made a very good point that as cp's we dont know how hard it is for our other half but the vows are in sickness and in health.its not always downhill.
thanks for your thoughts.....scotty
i think you got a little mixed up im the "him".i have my own business and an understanding business partner who just happens to be on vacation right now.he deserves it.ive been taking quite a bit of time off the past year although i do pull my weight and make sure my work is done so as not to dump it on him.
i havent worked a few days in a row for a long long time and these past 2 weeks have really been causing alot of increased pain.i have no choice but to stay at work even though ive been in constant agony i cant leave.i happened to break a couple of ribs right before he left and and combined with the back pain ive been nothing but a lump by the time i get home.
weve been to counseling.she is very stubborn so it didnt really work well as far as that goes.im still seeing a psych, learning bio feedback and just trying to deal with the pain.the extra burdon has fallen on my wife to look after the kids during the week as im exhausting all ive got at work.she works 2 days a week and we have sitters those days.
you made a very good point that as cp's we dont know how hard it is for our other half but the vows are in sickness and in health.its not always downhill.
thanks for your thoughts.....scotty
scotty12
08-20-2004, 04:14 PM
dckatz,
please do...................................... scott
please do...................................... scott
dckatz2001
08-20-2004, 04:55 PM
The thing that really stinks about my situation is that I am the one who does 80% of the house work on top of working a full-time job (and I'm the one with the chronic pain issues). I cook 90% of the meals, I do 100% of the laundry, I do 75% of the cleaning and 70% of the shopping. My wife is the messiest person I have ever met. She works part-time and has nothing wrong with her that would prevent her from doing these things.
Obviously with chronic pain issues, doing all that house work is horrible on my back. I often wonder how much better off I'd be if I didn't have to do a majority of the house work. I honestly don't know how I'm able to do any of those things most of the time. There isn't a time (and I'm sure you all can relate) that I am not in pain. The problem is that if I don't do the housework, it won't get done and I just can't stand living in a messy, dirty house.
A lot of our arguments happen as a result of me getting angry at this situation. In addition, she gets angry because I can't do a lot of the activities that I used to do. Things like walking are very difficult for me. There are also sexual problems that have developed. That is probably the biggest issues with her. A lot of the sexual problems I have are a result of a thyroid condition I have. I'm sure taking pain meds long-term hasn't helped the situation either. I also suspect that part of the sexual problem comes from the anger I have toward her for being so lazy and for not understanding (or even trying to understand).
I think that marriage counseling would be a good move for Scotty and for me too.
Obviously with chronic pain issues, doing all that house work is horrible on my back. I often wonder how much better off I'd be if I didn't have to do a majority of the house work. I honestly don't know how I'm able to do any of those things most of the time. There isn't a time (and I'm sure you all can relate) that I am not in pain. The problem is that if I don't do the housework, it won't get done and I just can't stand living in a messy, dirty house.
A lot of our arguments happen as a result of me getting angry at this situation. In addition, she gets angry because I can't do a lot of the activities that I used to do. Things like walking are very difficult for me. There are also sexual problems that have developed. That is probably the biggest issues with her. A lot of the sexual problems I have are a result of a thyroid condition I have. I'm sure taking pain meds long-term hasn't helped the situation either. I also suspect that part of the sexual problem comes from the anger I have toward her for being so lazy and for not understanding (or even trying to understand).
I think that marriage counseling would be a good move for Scotty and for me too.
Kissa
08-20-2004, 05:11 PM
Oh I am very sorry I got that all mixed around! Sometimes I can misjudge there.
It sounds perhaps that your marriage is difficult to begin with? It is sad to see that someone isn't receptive to marriage conseling.
I would venture to say yes that if you did less housework it would alleviate pain. I can't do laundry on my own, there's just the three of us, me my husband and 18 yo son. I gather up the clothes and put them in the washer but I can't transfer them over to a dryer they are too heavy so my husband does that for me. He's very good about helping me on bad days as well.
I do know on days where I think I am feeling better that I can do more and sometimes do just that and then I end up in terrible pain by the end of the day.
I do feel bad for you and it is important that your sons daily needs are being met with no issue because you do take care of these things for him. Be proud of yourself :)
I don't think any of us are really qualified to give proffessional marriage advice but I think folks who might be in your situation might just stop doing those things for the spouse who is healthy and let them take care of themselves. Maybe that seems a bit mean but I don't think your spouse is being very nice to you given the health situation.
Whatever you do best of luck and take care of yourself!
It sounds perhaps that your marriage is difficult to begin with? It is sad to see that someone isn't receptive to marriage conseling.
I would venture to say yes that if you did less housework it would alleviate pain. I can't do laundry on my own, there's just the three of us, me my husband and 18 yo son. I gather up the clothes and put them in the washer but I can't transfer them over to a dryer they are too heavy so my husband does that for me. He's very good about helping me on bad days as well.
I do know on days where I think I am feeling better that I can do more and sometimes do just that and then I end up in terrible pain by the end of the day.
I do feel bad for you and it is important that your sons daily needs are being met with no issue because you do take care of these things for him. Be proud of yourself :)
I don't think any of us are really qualified to give proffessional marriage advice but I think folks who might be in your situation might just stop doing those things for the spouse who is healthy and let them take care of themselves. Maybe that seems a bit mean but I don't think your spouse is being very nice to you given the health situation.
Whatever you do best of luck and take care of yourself!
scotty12
08-20-2004, 07:48 PM
dckatz,
wow..sounds like your married to my wifes twin.im the clean one.i do all the cooking and my own laundry,work more hours..i too cant sit in a room thats a mess............nice to know im not alone....
wow..sounds like your married to my wifes twin.im the clean one.i do all the cooking and my own laundry,work more hours..i too cant sit in a room thats a mess............nice to know im not alone....
scotty12
08-20-2004, 07:54 PM
kissa thank you.
Flycatcher
08-20-2004, 10:37 PM
I actually found out about my current PM doc because my wife had herniated the lowest two discs in her neck and her neurosurgeon sent her to see him. When my orthopedic surgeon finally gave up trying to treat my permanent nerve damage with NAPROXEN he brought up referring me to a PM doc. I pulled out the PM's card and asked him to send me there.
It's hard enough when one partner has CP but when both are suffering disabling pains in can be a nightmare. We've had our share of struggles and arguments that are caused by both of us being in chronic pain. Unfortunately, unless there's a rich uncle that I don't know about then we can't afford a maid and have to continue doing the housework ourselves. Neither one of us are really up to cleaning so our home has become less "orderly" than either of us would prefer... that too can cause arguments. I'd be ashamed to tell you how long it's been since I've cleaned my tub. We also tend to get frustrated when we see the other doing something we know they shouldn't be doing - we'd each rather take on the heavy burdens ourselves then watch the other risk making the injury worse... isn't that a twist, we get upset because the other is doing TOO much?!
In short yes, I'd think many of us have some degree of marital troubles that can be traced back to CP. It sucks for both partners I'm sure but how do you change something that you have no control over? I wish both you guys the best of luck and sincerely hope your spouses will reach some level of understanding for your pain and perseverance.
Jack
It's hard enough when one partner has CP but when both are suffering disabling pains in can be a nightmare. We've had our share of struggles and arguments that are caused by both of us being in chronic pain. Unfortunately, unless there's a rich uncle that I don't know about then we can't afford a maid and have to continue doing the housework ourselves. Neither one of us are really up to cleaning so our home has become less "orderly" than either of us would prefer... that too can cause arguments. I'd be ashamed to tell you how long it's been since I've cleaned my tub. We also tend to get frustrated when we see the other doing something we know they shouldn't be doing - we'd each rather take on the heavy burdens ourselves then watch the other risk making the injury worse... isn't that a twist, we get upset because the other is doing TOO much?!
In short yes, I'd think many of us have some degree of marital troubles that can be traced back to CP. It sucks for both partners I'm sure but how do you change something that you have no control over? I wish both you guys the best of luck and sincerely hope your spouses will reach some level of understanding for your pain and perseverance.
Jack
scotty12
08-20-2004, 10:58 PM
you said it jack.
"It sucks for both partners I'm sure but how do you change something that you have no control over?"
"get upset because the other is doing TOO much".....thats love,as hard as it may be atleast you both understand what the other is going thru.by no means am i saying its good that both of you have cp issues.
thank you,scotty
"It sucks for both partners I'm sure but how do you change something that you have no control over?"
"get upset because the other is doing TOO much".....thats love,as hard as it may be atleast you both understand what the other is going thru.by no means am i saying its good that both of you have cp issues.
thank you,scotty
Fly_Girl01
08-21-2004, 12:20 AM
Scotty,
I definitely agree that CP can have a negative impact on relationships. As far as my husband goes, he has been absolutely wonderful, going to all of my doctor appointments with me (and there's been a lot of them!), picking up my prescriptions, running errands, cooking, etc. anyway, you get the point. I couldn't ask for a better guy. :) Now we are getting ready to leave for a 2 week vacation and Im starting to feel like I am going to be a burden, making sure I have the right amount of meds to get me through the week, taking all of my special pillows to be comfy in the hotel bed, and wanting to have fun without a day full of pain the next day from overdoing it.
Now as far as some of my friends are concerned, its a different story, They used to visit, call or at least email me everyday. They still keep in touch, but not as much, and never invite me to do anything anymore, because Im just not "fun" enough for them.
People who do not have CP day after day have no idea what we go through and I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy. The meds take the edge off, but its always there. So Im sure your wife cares very deeply about you, but maybe feels helpless as to how to help you? That was a very inspiring email/letter that you wrote, and just talk openly as much as you can and keep the lines of communication open. She loves you just the same as before your injury, always will, and that will never change. :) Remember those wedding vows, "For better or worse" and you WILL get through the worst, TOGETHER.
I hope you have a great pain-free weekend and lots of quality time with your wife.
Take care, :angel:
-Amy
I definitely agree that CP can have a negative impact on relationships. As far as my husband goes, he has been absolutely wonderful, going to all of my doctor appointments with me (and there's been a lot of them!), picking up my prescriptions, running errands, cooking, etc. anyway, you get the point. I couldn't ask for a better guy. :) Now we are getting ready to leave for a 2 week vacation and Im starting to feel like I am going to be a burden, making sure I have the right amount of meds to get me through the week, taking all of my special pillows to be comfy in the hotel bed, and wanting to have fun without a day full of pain the next day from overdoing it.
Now as far as some of my friends are concerned, its a different story, They used to visit, call or at least email me everyday. They still keep in touch, but not as much, and never invite me to do anything anymore, because Im just not "fun" enough for them.
People who do not have CP day after day have no idea what we go through and I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy. The meds take the edge off, but its always there. So Im sure your wife cares very deeply about you, but maybe feels helpless as to how to help you? That was a very inspiring email/letter that you wrote, and just talk openly as much as you can and keep the lines of communication open. She loves you just the same as before your injury, always will, and that will never change. :) Remember those wedding vows, "For better or worse" and you WILL get through the worst, TOGETHER.
I hope you have a great pain-free weekend and lots of quality time with your wife.
Take care, :angel:
-Amy
scotty12
08-21-2004, 01:46 AM
amy,
ive got one really good friend who still comes by to see me and many times i am in too much pain or just plain exhausted.he's empathetic towards my situation.hopes to get his drinkin buddy back.last time i tried drinking i skipped a med dose figuring id just have some martinis at dinner.there were 6 of us and i was treating.the moment we were seated,i remember looking around the restaurant for a more comfortable chair.i downed 2 strong martinis the first 20 minutes ordered my meal.the pain was getting wose by the minute.i excused myself and walked around.i returned to the tbl and after sitting 5 min, unable to talk,i placed my credit card on the tbl and quickly explained that i had to leave,now.
i could barely keep my composure until i laid down.
i didnt realize i coulnt skip a dose figuring id take them later that night.
i just finished packing for some R&R myself
....no,wait wait got two little ones so im not sure about the rest or relaxation.but im so glad we are going to be spending a few days together.
im sure i'll be able to hang out in a pool,i dont know abou trodding along in some sand though.i feel so much better while im in the water.theres a jacuzzi there too.ahhhhh,im gonna need that after playing wth my little guy and my 11 month old angel.
lets see
meds,....check
tens unit....check
lg ice pack..check
leg pillows..check
thanks amy.enjoy your vacation and i hope you feel well.
scotty
ive got one really good friend who still comes by to see me and many times i am in too much pain or just plain exhausted.he's empathetic towards my situation.hopes to get his drinkin buddy back.last time i tried drinking i skipped a med dose figuring id just have some martinis at dinner.there were 6 of us and i was treating.the moment we were seated,i remember looking around the restaurant for a more comfortable chair.i downed 2 strong martinis the first 20 minutes ordered my meal.the pain was getting wose by the minute.i excused myself and walked around.i returned to the tbl and after sitting 5 min, unable to talk,i placed my credit card on the tbl and quickly explained that i had to leave,now.
i could barely keep my composure until i laid down.
i didnt realize i coulnt skip a dose figuring id take them later that night.
i just finished packing for some R&R myself
....no,wait wait got two little ones so im not sure about the rest or relaxation.but im so glad we are going to be spending a few days together.
im sure i'll be able to hang out in a pool,i dont know abou trodding along in some sand though.i feel so much better while im in the water.theres a jacuzzi there too.ahhhhh,im gonna need that after playing wth my little guy and my 11 month old angel.
lets see
meds,....check
tens unit....check
lg ice pack..check
leg pillows..check
thanks amy.enjoy your vacation and i hope you feel well.
scotty
wonkaville
08-23-2004, 01:54 AM
Scotty,
I can totally relate to your problem. I was 23 and engaged to be married when I came down with a very rare kidney disease that is very painful. At first my fiancee was supportive, but the longer this played out, the more hospital visits I had, the more things that I couldn't do....the more resentful he became. I would be laying in a hospital bed, and he would come in from after working, and he would say to me "I really don't want to be here." That hurt so bad. Like I wanted to be laying in a hospital bed?! Things only went downhill from there. He started verbally and emotionally abusing me....and all because I was in constant pain. He kept saying that he wanted the "old" me back. I did too, but I couldn't give that to him. He would say things like "So what if you are in pain, just deal with it." These comments would make me cry. To make a long story short, we didn't make it to the wedding day. I called off the wedding 3 months before it was supposed to happen. And the funny part was he didn't understand why! I couldn't live for the rest of my life with a partner who was not going to support me, emotionally and physically. He told me about 6 months after we broke up that he didn't know how to deal with me being in pain. And the fact that he couldn't "fix me" really bothered him. He said that all he wanted was how we used to be before I got sick, and I said that no matter what I would never be that person again. He said that he wasn't mad at me, but at my illness (if that makes sense). But unfortunately, he took it out on me instead. He said he just couldn't cope with a chronically ill person who was always in pain. I understand that, but we could have handled it a lot better than we did. He is now married to someone else, and I am still single. There are a lot of pain management clinics that offer psychological counseling, not just for you, but also for couples and also families on how to deal with chronic pain. Maybe that would be of some help to you. It's too late for me and my ex-fiancee, but don't give up hope Scotty. I know how hard it is to live with chronic pain, and be on massive doses of pain meds, and try to work at the same time. It is a very hard thing to do, and I commend you for doing well so far. Just try to take one day at a time. But you are definitely not alone. Take care of yourself.
I can totally relate to your problem. I was 23 and engaged to be married when I came down with a very rare kidney disease that is very painful. At first my fiancee was supportive, but the longer this played out, the more hospital visits I had, the more things that I couldn't do....the more resentful he became. I would be laying in a hospital bed, and he would come in from after working, and he would say to me "I really don't want to be here." That hurt so bad. Like I wanted to be laying in a hospital bed?! Things only went downhill from there. He started verbally and emotionally abusing me....and all because I was in constant pain. He kept saying that he wanted the "old" me back. I did too, but I couldn't give that to him. He would say things like "So what if you are in pain, just deal with it." These comments would make me cry. To make a long story short, we didn't make it to the wedding day. I called off the wedding 3 months before it was supposed to happen. And the funny part was he didn't understand why! I couldn't live for the rest of my life with a partner who was not going to support me, emotionally and physically. He told me about 6 months after we broke up that he didn't know how to deal with me being in pain. And the fact that he couldn't "fix me" really bothered him. He said that all he wanted was how we used to be before I got sick, and I said that no matter what I would never be that person again. He said that he wasn't mad at me, but at my illness (if that makes sense). But unfortunately, he took it out on me instead. He said he just couldn't cope with a chronically ill person who was always in pain. I understand that, but we could have handled it a lot better than we did. He is now married to someone else, and I am still single. There are a lot of pain management clinics that offer psychological counseling, not just for you, but also for couples and also families on how to deal with chronic pain. Maybe that would be of some help to you. It's too late for me and my ex-fiancee, but don't give up hope Scotty. I know how hard it is to live with chronic pain, and be on massive doses of pain meds, and try to work at the same time. It is a very hard thing to do, and I commend you for doing well so far. Just try to take one day at a time. But you are definitely not alone. Take care of yourself.
Advice seeker
08-23-2004, 09:55 AM
I'm from the other side - LOL! It's my husband that has the chronic pain and I'm the one that searches the board for support for him and myself. I want to see things from both sides. We have been married for 22 years, but we are both in our early 40's. My husband has been suffering for chronic pain for several years. He endured working up until 6 months ago. He is now trying to go the disability route and I'm sure you know how tough that can be. So, I just wanted to say that it can be very stressful on the significant other. We are now without his salary, I work full-time, I have to take my children to all of their activities (he doesn't drive due to pain and meds), I have to miss work to take him to numerous appointments, I do most of the house work, I do all of the yard work, all of the shopping, all of the finances, about half of the cooking, and probably more than 2/3 of the worrying. I love my husband with all of my heart and I will stand by him for eternity. I just get really tired and stressed. I just wish that he wasn't suffering the way that he is.
Just one comment: The relationship that you have with your spouse should the most special, intimate and loving of all relationships. Why not sit down in a calm moment and talk instead of sending an impersonal email?
Just one comment: The relationship that you have with your spouse should the most special, intimate and loving of all relationships. Why not sit down in a calm moment and talk instead of sending an impersonal email?
sgibson
08-23-2004, 11:20 AM
Scotty,
I didn't read any of the replies to your post because I didn't want them to affect my response to you. I will go back and read them after I post.
I so understand where you are at right now. I have had my fusion and am in more pain than I have ever been in. It has almost ruined my marriage. I have become anorexic due to the chronic pain. My doctor understands this but my family doesn't. They just keep telling me to eat something. I had a heart to heart with my husband yesterday. I told him I was slowly dieing and they were letting it happen. I told him he was not giving me the support I needed at this time. I told him I didn't need him to force feed me or anything else. I told him I just needed him to CARE about me. I told him I felt that he resented me for my illness and he keeps making comments about not having to be here. He said he would kill himself before he left me. I told him that he didn't act that way. I told him that he always seemed to be angry with me and I couldn't deal with that attitude anymore. I spilled my guts to him and I don't know whether its going to help or not but I sure hope so. The thing is, I'm not where you are. I am at the point where I want him to walk out. This has been going on too long. I'm not "in love" with him. I love him but I can't deal with this anymore. I just pray that you can work this out with your wife before you become frustrated to the point I have. I wish I had talked to him before I became so disillusioned with our life together. I hope you and your wife can work things out. I don't know what is going to happen to me and my husband. I did tell him that the next time he made a remark about not having to be here, he better be on his way out the door and don't expect to come back. I have that luxury because my father and I own my home. My father currently pays my mortgage so I don't have to worry about somewhere to live at this point. My husband knows this so I hope he understands that I am deadly serious. I have never told him that before so I think he knows I am serious. I'm not the same woman he married because this pain has changed me. My experiences have changed me. I may seem weak and frail, but everything I have gone through has strengthened me. I know I can endure almost anything now. Nothing emotional can compete with the physical pain I feel. I have been in such pain for so long that I am ready to remove any emotional pain from my life. I cannot deal with both. I hope you resolve your problems before you get to the point I am at. I wish you and your wife all the luck in the world and that you can work this through. It takes a strong person to live with a CP'er and not everyone is able or willing. I just hope your wife is both. Take care.
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
I didn't read any of the replies to your post because I didn't want them to affect my response to you. I will go back and read them after I post.
I so understand where you are at right now. I have had my fusion and am in more pain than I have ever been in. It has almost ruined my marriage. I have become anorexic due to the chronic pain. My doctor understands this but my family doesn't. They just keep telling me to eat something. I had a heart to heart with my husband yesterday. I told him I was slowly dieing and they were letting it happen. I told him he was not giving me the support I needed at this time. I told him I didn't need him to force feed me or anything else. I told him I just needed him to CARE about me. I told him I felt that he resented me for my illness and he keeps making comments about not having to be here. He said he would kill himself before he left me. I told him that he didn't act that way. I told him that he always seemed to be angry with me and I couldn't deal with that attitude anymore. I spilled my guts to him and I don't know whether its going to help or not but I sure hope so. The thing is, I'm not where you are. I am at the point where I want him to walk out. This has been going on too long. I'm not "in love" with him. I love him but I can't deal with this anymore. I just pray that you can work this out with your wife before you become frustrated to the point I have. I wish I had talked to him before I became so disillusioned with our life together. I hope you and your wife can work things out. I don't know what is going to happen to me and my husband. I did tell him that the next time he made a remark about not having to be here, he better be on his way out the door and don't expect to come back. I have that luxury because my father and I own my home. My father currently pays my mortgage so I don't have to worry about somewhere to live at this point. My husband knows this so I hope he understands that I am deadly serious. I have never told him that before so I think he knows I am serious. I'm not the same woman he married because this pain has changed me. My experiences have changed me. I may seem weak and frail, but everything I have gone through has strengthened me. I know I can endure almost anything now. Nothing emotional can compete with the physical pain I feel. I have been in such pain for so long that I am ready to remove any emotional pain from my life. I cannot deal with both. I hope you resolve your problems before you get to the point I am at. I wish you and your wife all the luck in the world and that you can work this through. It takes a strong person to live with a CP'er and not everyone is able or willing. I just hope your wife is both. Take care.
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
sgibson
08-23-2004, 11:31 AM
I went back and read the responses. It seems we all have some degree of problems. There are a lucky few who have spouses who meant the vow of "in sickness and in health". I just hope that most of us can save our marriages. I have been married almost 15 years and I really don't want to give it up but I just don't know how to get over the resentment I feel right now. I wish all of you the best.
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
trouble32
08-24-2004, 02:41 AM
I am a 38 yr old female.Ive had blood clots that done permanent damage to legs and left lung.I have 6 different damages to spine and discs,low back,from injury at work.My husband beat me in my head until i lost vision for 1 day.BECAUSE i fell asleep with cofee in my hand Due to lack of sleep from severe pain.He doesnt like imperfections.And is angered that i am not working,But he now is living with his mom,I couldnt take it anymore! You marry for better or worse sickness and health..And its out the window when you get sick.Ive always treated him as i wanted to be treated.To grow old and trust his descisions.But listen to this! When i set up clots,because i couldnt walk for 1 day.He let me lay 5 days.I begged to be takne to hospital.He accused me of over medicating.And would laugh and go to work.The last 2 days i stayed unconcious<unable to swallow a pill>My 15 yr old called from school and i went unconcious She called for help and came home to me.GODS BLESSING TO ME!Doctors said few hours id been dead,And he has never appologized or showed remorse.im damaged in legs and lung because he neglected me.I wont grow old with him.I lost all trust and faith in him that day.Hope i didnt get off topic.But its the whole deal,someone you love and trust to grow old with,to love and take care of you...
scotty12
08-25-2004, 10:40 AM
im back from a few days vacation.i think working too much last week did me in.the 3 hr car trip on sat was unbearable.just trying to keep my composure in the car was a job.i havent experienced pain like this in 6 months.i though last week was rough.
thats what is so difficult about living with this pain.for a few months i was doing well and then incapacitating pain.it was good atleast i had family with me so my wife wasnt alone in tending to the kids..they got to see first hand how bad it really is.everyone was swimming and i tried to spend time with everyone but wound up in bed with an ice pack for most of the 3 days i was there,with an hour of relief thrown in at times,enough to socialize without holding my breath and grimacing.
i got a heart to heart from some members of my family.they tell me they can plainly see how much pain im in but on the other hand think i should get into shape and get off meds.also,they dont think i should have the surgery.
i want to thank those who shared their feelings and own experiences.its atleast comforting (i dont think thats the right word) to know im not alone in my struggles both with the pain and the impact it has on my relationships.
Sherry,
im glad your at a point where your moving on with life.i completely understand what you said about the physical pain overshadowing any emotional pain.i agree,there is little room to deal with both and i am void of emotions at times when the pain is so severe.
scotty
thats what is so difficult about living with this pain.for a few months i was doing well and then incapacitating pain.it was good atleast i had family with me so my wife wasnt alone in tending to the kids..they got to see first hand how bad it really is.everyone was swimming and i tried to spend time with everyone but wound up in bed with an ice pack for most of the 3 days i was there,with an hour of relief thrown in at times,enough to socialize without holding my breath and grimacing.
i got a heart to heart from some members of my family.they tell me they can plainly see how much pain im in but on the other hand think i should get into shape and get off meds.also,they dont think i should have the surgery.
i want to thank those who shared their feelings and own experiences.its atleast comforting (i dont think thats the right word) to know im not alone in my struggles both with the pain and the impact it has on my relationships.
Sherry,
im glad your at a point where your moving on with life.i completely understand what you said about the physical pain overshadowing any emotional pain.i agree,there is little room to deal with both and i am void of emotions at times when the pain is so severe.
scotty
kayefaye
08-25-2004, 05:15 PM
Hello,
I just want to say I hope things are going ok. I am one of the "lucky ones" that has an understanding spouse. We have been married almost 22 years, and he is my best friend. I am the one that has little patience with myself...I sometimes can't stand my own self, so I don't know how anyone else can stand to live with me...( I hope I am making sense...) My husband not only is understanding regarding me, but my Mom, who has lung cancer, has lived with us for the last 2 years since my Dad died...so, he really "looks after" us both...emotionally especially. I do work part-time, and like some of ya'll, it is all I can do to even get out of the bed...Anyways, just wanted to say I'm praying for ALL of us as we and our families try and deal with this CP...I, too don't have many friends anymore, but mainly I think that is because I just sometimes don't want to have to talk about my CP and how it is pretty much the same as the day before, etc...so, I don't answer the phone...I know my depression is not helping this, either...I hope that the patch I am trying (finally am able to leave it on the 3 days at a time, still covering up half of it, tho...) and my anti-depressant will make it easier to "get some of my life back"...I have also started back to my Therapy sessions, and my husband goes to those now and then with me. I think it really helps us both. I wish for those of you that are having troubles, that your spouse would consider therapy with you, too. It is not just for the troubles, but can really help put EVERYthing in perspective...
Take Care all,
KF
I just want to say I hope things are going ok. I am one of the "lucky ones" that has an understanding spouse. We have been married almost 22 years, and he is my best friend. I am the one that has little patience with myself...I sometimes can't stand my own self, so I don't know how anyone else can stand to live with me...( I hope I am making sense...) My husband not only is understanding regarding me, but my Mom, who has lung cancer, has lived with us for the last 2 years since my Dad died...so, he really "looks after" us both...emotionally especially. I do work part-time, and like some of ya'll, it is all I can do to even get out of the bed...Anyways, just wanted to say I'm praying for ALL of us as we and our families try and deal with this CP...I, too don't have many friends anymore, but mainly I think that is because I just sometimes don't want to have to talk about my CP and how it is pretty much the same as the day before, etc...so, I don't answer the phone...I know my depression is not helping this, either...I hope that the patch I am trying (finally am able to leave it on the 3 days at a time, still covering up half of it, tho...) and my anti-depressant will make it easier to "get some of my life back"...I have also started back to my Therapy sessions, and my husband goes to those now and then with me. I think it really helps us both. I wish for those of you that are having troubles, that your spouse would consider therapy with you, too. It is not just for the troubles, but can really help put EVERYthing in perspective...
Take Care all,
KF