Hi. This is my first post so please bare with me here. About a month ago I began dating this girl whom, for the first six months I knew her, wouldn't give me the time of day. Then by chance we ended up having a good conversation one day and she seemed to warm up a little. So we ended up dating and things were going great until that saturday morning. That's the day she told me she had genital herpes. The biggest problem about this isn't even the fact that she has it; it's the fact that she didn't tell me before we had sex. I've almost always flat out asked women about their sexual health before getting invloved but this time I felt she was responsible enough to be honest enough that if there were something she would have told me. I did make it clear how I felt about couples keeping these things hidden but I guess that wasn't enough to get through to her. Now I'm in a mess trying to sort things out. There are too many emotions about this running through me right now it's hard to get a grip on how I really feel. I don't believe she intentionally didn't tell me. I can understand how difficult this is for people. My doctor actually told me he thought that she probably really did care becuase of the fact she told me at all. She claims she got it through oral sex about 4 years ago but she still doesn't know if she has HSV-1 or 2. She's willing to go back and get the results. She says she's only had 2 outbreaks in those 4 years and both time she's taken the valtrex (sp) for them. She's now taking Valtrex daily for the both of us even though I feel that I already may be infected. In the last 4 four weeks since we had sex I can't say I see any signs of a visible infection though I felt minor discomfort in the whole lower stomach/gential area. I just can't tell if it's me stressing out so bad and directing it to that area or if it's really herpes. When I sleep the discomort seems to go away only to return when I start stressing about it. I just went in for a blood test mostly to see if there's any signs of HSV-2 infection.

So now my problem is this: Do I continue in this relationship? Honestly I don't know. I really care about her and I believe she cares for me. We fit good together and have may like things in common. My problem is that I seem to be having trouble getting over the fact that she kept this from me. I've already blown up at her for it. But I'm also trying to make her understand that it's the fact of not telling me that's the problem not that she has herpes.

She says she's never told anyone before, not even previous partners. That's another thing. I don't know if I could ever do that to someone but never being in that position I don't know.

So here I am, I guess I'm looking for advice, comments, anything to help make sense of this. I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone around me about this right now except for my doctor so I'm trying this route. Any response is appreciated.

confused,
jm

p.s. one last thing, until this I never knew how prevailent (sp) herpes really was. My doctor didn't even think of it as a big deal (her's didn't either) and seeing the statistics it's hard to believe that so many people have it. In a strange way though it's also more comforting to know you're not so alone...

I almost don't know what to say. The fact that she did not tell you ahead of time, makes for a distrust relationship. Nevertheless, I also understand how hard it is to tell someone you truely care about. She was probably too afraid of lossing you because of it. Nonetheless, that does not give her the right ot with hold that info from you.

Also, if you two were inthe moment, i'm sure that was not on her mind. If I would you I would get tested immediately. So that you can clear your mind if you have it or not.
Give it sometime. Take sometime out for yourself to truely understand your feelings. Because, you can not continue getting upset with her and yelling at her for not telling you. That would not help the relationship.

I have herpes but have not yet told the guy that i've been dating for almost 2 months. We are taking things slow and have not yet had sex. I will have to tell him soon before we actrually have sex. I care for him very much. I even feel as if I am falling for him, and this makes it even harder to find a time to tell him. I am afraid he will reject me, But not matter what, I refuse to put him in the same situtation as I am.

LAST: understand what she must be feeling. How hard it is for her to share something so personal as that. It is very difficult. Nevertheless, she should have told you and let you make the your OWN DICISION.

Keep us posted.

I'm female and have Herpes and if I wasn't in the serious relationship i'm in now I would never dream of sleeping with anyone without telling them what I have first, never. My partner who i'm with now gave it to me but he didn't know he had it... so I don't blame him one bit.
I think your girlfriend was way out of line not telling you what she had before she slept with you. You had a right to know and she should have told you. Just like she should have told her previous sexual partners. How can anyone trust a person who lies from the start?? I personally think she doesn't deserve you...not at all. Herpes is for life! Yes there are worse things to catch but it's still not nice to have especially if you don't get the "mild" case of it.
Your girlfriend needs to stop being so selfish just because she got it passed on to her. She knew what she had and yet she still went and put you and others at risk...how wrong.

I really hope you haven't got it. Good Luck.

Thanks for the reply. I ended the relationship tonight. I can't respect someone who would do this to me. If she had told me before at least I could have had a choice. I would have had so much respect for someone who could be honest with me. I feel like I've been violated. I also feel guilty like I'm not being understanding enough but I just can't get past this. It taints everything about the relationship because if she could be like this in regards to my health what else could she do? Thinking back now I remember asking her how'd she feel if the situation was reversed and all she said was "I'd have a big problem with it."
In fact, I also remember telling her how I felt about couples keeping things like std's from each other. She knew how I felt before anything had ever happened. I still can't believe this....I don't know how to feel.


jm

deleted message--looks like you made your decision :)

Actually, I'd like to hear as many comments as possible. I've read some more posts around here, especially about being rejected and how to tell people and I can understand just how difficult this is. I truly did not judge this girl for having GH, even after she told me my thoughts of her or my attraction to her never changed. I just don't understand how she could have slept me, more than once, and not said something. I felt like if I was to stay I wouldn't have been able to respect myself with her and to a certain degree I felt like she wouldn't have respected me either (sounds strange but it's there). Now after exiting the relationship (and not in the best of ways) I feel bad because I know how much it probably took for her to say anything at all. But that's still no excuse for putting me in that position, and the others that she has. This just totally sucks all the way around...

jm

If she wasn't having an ob when you had sex, you probably don't have it...try not to worry.

Also, if she has one ob every two years, she probably hardly ever thinks about it, and it doesn't impact her life much..so she can remain in denial most of the time. There was a time when I practically forgot I had h, back many years ago when I rarely got ob's.

I would try to judge her on other issues, not just on this one. Is she ever dishonest with you or other people about other incidents or subjects, no matter how small?...It's so hard for us, not knowing her as a total human being, but just from a few words of yours. Does she usually communicate well, or are there lots of misunderstandings and the feeling that something's not quite right most of the time? dD you get different stories from her and her friends? And is she someone you can see backing you and supporting you through the hardest times imaginable in life? Is she someone who's going to work to clear up misunderstandings when you are both furious at each other? These are the kinds of questions you need to ask yourself about any relationship that may end in marriage. It's not enough to feel that you have some things in common and have fun together.

Luck, and peace.

Sad to hear you ended your relationship...
I have this and have never told previous partners, was just sure I wasn't having an outbreak. (I got it by someone not telling me when they knew it wasn't safe, should have left it at one-night status!@!)
My love interest now.... well, when we unexpectedly hooked up one night, I was worried about it a little, but was also on my period so a pretty good excuse, and I knew I wasn't having an outbreak besides. Well, long story short, we didn't hook up after that weekend for 10 months for many other reasons. By this time I was having a REALLY difficult time trying to figure out how I was going to tell him. I didn't want it to be heat of moment kind of thing, but that's what ended up happening. I was afraid he would leave, wouldn't have kept getting to know me, etc. He didn't leave, but did avoid the area in which i normally get my outbreaks. I, unlike your x, get them more often than twice in 4 years, lucky girl. Because of our other issues, like him not wanting to get too serious due to his divorce stuff, me being too emotional, we work at the same company, and I'm sure the H, we have not got together on a regular basis. However, every couple months or so, we will hook up. He is very scared of catching this, yet he gets a coldsore on his cheek, and had never heard that is also a herpes virus! So I am at risk also!! As much as I don't want what I've got, I don't want it on my face either! At least nobody else knows but me! But these boards have really taught me to have a better outlook on the whole thing. It is very wide spread. And the stigma, is just that, a stigma. I for soooo long kicked myself over and over for having this. It wasnt' all my fault. I do wish i didn't have it, and my man would come around more often, somehow he thinks two months is the wait and see time, he's weird, don't ask me! I had him call a hotline to ask them any questions he had that I couldn't answer, and even ones I did, so he knew I knew what I was talking about. He is scared because he doesn't know if we are going to be together forever. I know we will, but he hasn't caught on yet. And he is quick to question my motives (x-wife trauma) thinkinig that i want him to get it so we can have "regular sex". not true at all.
He did have issue w/ the fact that we heavily messed around over a year ago and i didn't tell hiim. i let him yell at me, and he knows i knew i was ok, he had to do it a few times to get over that. But with him coming back to me, i think he has forgiven me for that. We have gotten so much closer friends in that time that i couldn't live with myself if i hadn't told him when i did. maybe a similar case for your girlfriend, after being with you and the relationship progressing nicely, she realized that she really cared and you should know, just in case. she seems to have the lucky mild case so there shouldn't be much risk to you, or impact on your sex lives.
Hope you can take some time and really think about your feelings, ask those questions backpacker talked about, and do what's in your heart.
thanks for reading all this garble!
Kris

I have re-considered and agreed to try and work things out. She has said she would (already has actually) started taking the daily vatrex and has agreed to go see a doctor/medical professional with me to help me understand things a little better. Thing is I think she may still have a rough time dealing with this herself so on one hand I don't want to push her but on the other hand how seriously she takes this from this point on is going to affect how secure I feel in this relationship. And that's the hard part. Sexually we are very good for each other, it's great. But I'm trying to be realistic about this because things can change and she's 24 and I'm 31. Will we end up together for the long haul? I've read somewhere on these boards that you should be sure about someone before getting serious about them when they have this. But until you become that involved with someone how can you really know? I've dated girls I thought really were going to be long term lasting relationships only to find out otherwise later on. There's now way I can be around this girl and not have deisre for her. Even knowing she has gh hasn't changed that; she drives me crazy! So I'm trying to take things a day at a time and be as responsible as I can to ensure that I am protecting myself and her. I just have to be sure we're on the same page (she says she wants to). I do think she communicates with me well and she does seem to be a very supportive person. And lastly, my test results came back negative so that is some relief.

jm

The things we do for love.

jlm1972 i dont know about you but if a woman willingly gave me herpes meaning that she knew she had it and didnt tell me i would press charges and take her to court.

How could I prove that she gave it to me? According to my doctor the only sure fire way to prove I have HSV2 is a culture. But the virus could have been there for years from what I've been told. The blood tests are not supposed to be very reliable (at least in the beginning). I haven't had an outbreak. And in the end it would be my word against hers. Believe me I did think about taking her to court. Even though I've reconsidered trying to work things out with her I still have this knawing feeling in my gut that this isn't going to work. She just seems too immature to handle this. Imagine a girl who hasn't really had to work most of her life, parents have given her almost everything (no offense to the wealthy but that's not my lifestyle). Don't get me wrong, I believe she's a good person and I don't think she intentionally meant to hurt me. I just don't know what to do besides take time off from her and really try to decide if this is the best thing for me. I still am not convinced she hasn't given it to me but time will tell. I don't trust the blood test results at this point. I just don't know how I'll handle this if she has.

Because she wasn't up front with me about her health I was able to start having good feelings for her. Once she dropped the bomb I just fell back. Now I'm torn because things were so good before this but the feeling of betrayal just won't go away.

jm

No wonder she has only had 2 out breaks. Sounds like she has very little stress with everything being given to her. I'd stay away from her herpes isn't something you want to risk getting especially since she is in the beginning stages. I have had herpes for 14 years but I haven’t had an out break in years due to dmso and h2o2 treatments 3 times a day for 3 days to the out break areas and at the lower part of the spine every week for 2 months. Then dose once every 2 weeks. I don’t know if I could stop doing that don’t want to risk an out break. But I usually only had outbreaks after consuming large amounts of alcohol after I had it for about 5 years anyway. But let me tell you the first few years I had it, I had ob’s almost monthly. Stay away from her that's my advice.

I'm a girl that recently had my first GH outbreak...I really have no way of knowing if I had it for years...I was briefly dating someone who has now tested positive for it. ... all I know was after 4 day after having sex with him...I had it...but again there is no way of telling who gave it to whom...

Even though I was brought up middle class...nothing was handed free to me..I earned everything, which makes me appreciate EVERYTHING and not take people or things for granted.....

Just word of advice from a business owner and a woman of 33 and single...go with your gut instinct. Health aspect aside..Would you really want a woman for a wife that doesn't know how to take care of herself and is somewhat spoiled...think about it.

=D
~fit

No. I wouldn't. I had to end it tonight. I can't do this back and forth anymore. I went to see her and I laid it out to her, hopefully in a way that will affect her positively in the long run. I told her the truth, I can't be with someone who would place my health at risk like that. She had enough time, I told her how I felt about being honest about std's before anything ever happened. I can't respect her for doing it and I couldn't respect myself if I stayed with her. I asked her to please not do this again, not to put anyone else in this situation.

jm

Well, hopefully she WILL learn from this.... and hopefully you did not contract it. Maybe she isn't mature enough yet. I think it's great you gave it another shot at least, and you really know for sure the reasons why you don't want to be with her.

On a positive note, for anyone considering a relationship with an H person, me and my whatever he is, have progressed in the sex department, he couldn't resist anymore. He even came prepared w/ a condom, but after losing his erection a couple times, he said he didn't want to wear it, was I sure I was ok, I said I didn't mind it coming off and yes I'm ok, and he will just wash up afterward. I was SO scared he was losing his erection from fear of me, but after that puppy came off, all was good again. It has been one week and he is fine so far! YEAH :)

What he is, is your love! Congrats.

jlm1972 you did the right thing. Now stick to it. The best sex in the world isn't worth catching H. If she would have been up front about it from the beginning it still isn't worth it. After she has had a few years to get her body adjusted to the virus. Like being able to sense and feel when an ob is coming, knowing the triggers, etc, then it's a bit safer. But she hasn't had it long enough, it's too big of a risk. I didn't bother having any relationship with a woman until my body was use to it, and I knew I was some what safe. It took me 5 years, others maybe not so long.

Thank you backpacker!!!
He IS my love :angel: Your little post brought a tear to my eye! I just wish he wouldn't be so scared of a relationship and spend more time with me.
2 weeks post-coital (sp?) now and he is still just fine!

Thanks everyone for the repsones over the last several weeks. I just wanted to put an update here. My ex got her results back from her original culture and it came neg for HSV2 and positive for genital HSV1 so at least that's cleared up. I still have no visible signs of infection though my nuts are still stressing out from this whole thing. I recently asked her how she would feel in our relationship (if we still had one) if I would have contracted it from her. Her reply: "I think I'd feel relieved and not so stigmatized anymore." Okay. Uhm. Yeah, that's an honest response. Well, I don't think I'd feel that way if I'd done this someone even after they expressed their concern over std's before there had ever been any intmacy. So she can go ****** off now. I asked her is she'd be interested in looking over some message boards maybe to expose her to others in the same boat as well as for more understanding and support. No, she wants nothing to do with this (at least that what she says). She's never talked to anyone about this except for the time we went to her doctor. She's already flirting with other guys at work (and I'm sure it's also to piss me off) and I'm almost positive she'll continue to sleep with guys and not tell them. I know you can't focus your whole life over herps but I'm beginning to think this girl is either nuts or in a massive state of denial. What hurts the most is I still care about her but I'm forcing myself to detach from her. Wow, the things we are capable of doing to each other....

Jm

Jm...
She is definately not ready to deal with this in a mature, caring way! Wow!
I'm glad you have escaped this unscathed physically. It's too bad she isn't ready to accept reality. It took me many many years to come to grips with this. You are awesome for trying to guide her in the right directions.

MissKriss, thanks for the kind words. I'm still not 100% I escaped her "gift" but I hope so. It really bothers me that I know she will do this again. I know it may not be my place but sometimes I feel like warning certain guys (and there is one person I know of that stands a strong chance of being affected) before she does it again. My god, how can this girl send me religious emails talking about god's plan for me and how faith gets you through troubled times when she does this *****? That's really wrong and ill...

jm

I don't advocate tattling on people, but in the case of disease and danger, maybe it is your responsibility to warn this guy. If he were walking into the path of a tornado, you'd tell him, right? Perhaps you need to have one more talk with her and stress why she must tell potential partners, that they have a right to know and make the decision for themselves, that she does not have the right to make important choices for them. And perhaps you should warn her that if she doesn't tell, you will have to consider warning him. Right now it's not about being fair to her, but to him. It's hard to sit back and watch it happen to someone else.

I'm not sure what I would do, but I would start by trying to stress to her the importance of telling partners, over and over.

You know, when I was in college way back, one of the professors was actually fired for giving herpes to several (OK, more than several) female students. So sometimes there are more ramifications than just infecting others.