Ok, so here goes my story.
I am new to this group, so you all will just have to bear with me on this. I have struggled with anorexic on and off for a few years. I exercise at the gym, but that's not helping me lose weight at all. I try to eat fewer meals; that doesn't work; I try to eat a lot of mini meals, that doesn't work. Within the past month or so, I've been taking laxatives and trying to throw up, just to not feel so guilty about how much I'm eating (which really isn't a lot). The problem is, I strain to throw up and nothing comes out.My face gets red and tears come to my eyes, but nothing else; I can't even succeed at being a bulimic--how sad is that? Can't I just throw up like a normal person? I'm 5'0 and and have weighed less than 100lbs all my life; I think my biggest fear is to hit 100 and possibly go over that. I usually feel in control and I have enormous will power, but everything I'm trying is not working. What's wrong with wanting to lose 10-15 lbs and why can't I lose it?

Hey

Welcome to the boards.

Making yourself sick won't actually make you lose the weight (well not often anyway) and can kill you quicker than you would imagine, not to mention the various health problems and the permanent damage you could do to your esophagus (sp?).

The thing wrong with wanting to lose 10-15 pounds is that even if you were 100 pounds you are verging on being underweight. To think you need to lose more is a disordered way of thinking.

I don't know why you can't lose it, I can't answer that question. However, someone I know has this theory that we all have a size that we naturally are and ultimately, however hard we try we can't change that size. Maybe temporarily but not permanently. Maybe (following that theory) you are at the lower end of your 'natural' weight and you will struggle to lose more. But as I said, thats just a theory.

Sorry I haven't been much help
Emily xoxox

Thanks, Emily, for your input. I know my thinking is backwards; that's why I posted to get some clarity and maybe some help as to why I'm doing/thinking this. I really believe if I could lose at the max 15lbs, that I'll be fine and won't want to lose anymore; but maybe that's just the beginning? Maybe I'll want to keep losing more and more. I don't care how I have to lose the weight and keep it off-I just want it gone permanently. It disgusts me to be my age and see stretch marks and fat rolls, when other people my age and older who have had kids can seem to keep it off. It makes me sick. I'm just sick with myself. No matter what I do is ever going to be good enough.

Misti,
Welcome to the boards. I am sorry you are feeling so bad about yourself. That is a hard way to spend your days.

Please talk to a professional. I know you may not think it a big deal, but most people do not feel so bad about themselves. Being 85 lbs will not make you happy, because it sounds to me like there is a much deeper issue than your weight.

For those of us that do or have obsessed to the point of illness over image/food/weight really have deeper issues going on than what the scale says.

Please think about it. If you deal with these issues now you can learn to be happy with the wonderful body you already have.

On a side note, laxatives will mess up your system for life. I abused them during my years of hurting my body over image and weight only to be now recovered for almost 5 years and still dealing with the effects of the laxitives. It is NOT fun.

You deserve a life free from criticizing yourself. You are precious the way you are.

Please love yourself enough to get the help you deserve.

Thanks, Dance. The funny thing is this--I know what I'm supposed to be thingking (healthy). I am a Christian, and I also have 2 degrees, one in the Social Service firld, the other in Therapy; so I KNOW this stuff. I know my thinking is skewed. Believe me, I don't like taking laxatives, but when you don't know the "correct" way to be bulimic (i.e, throwing up right after a meal and nothing comes up, even waiting 15 mins to puke and still nothing---hello, it's supposed to work), there's not much else you can do to lose weight. THis cycle is not fun. Besides, I have IBS with constipation, so I'm already unhealthy. I can hear the lectures now, even though only a few of you care to ever respond. Crazy huh? So many ppl viewing these boards, only do a few of us care enough to want to respond with help.
Talking to a professional is out of the question. I am a professional, even though I'm not practicing in that field right now. To me, if I can't handle it myself or through praying through it, all is lost. I feel like a failure anyway; to myself, especially to God. I know my body is God's temple and I am destroying it. But how we see ourselves is what matters right? If someone's not happy with themselves, they take steps to change, right? Therefore, that's what I'm attempting to do, it's just not working. Why can't I just be a normal bulimic and live a good life? Everything else in my life is perfect. There is no deeper issue, even though I can see where you're coming from on that. 80lbs is my goal--if that's going to make me happy, why is that such a bad thing?

MG

Misti,
I too am a christian. God's plan for your life is not this. He did not intend for you to spend your time, energy and desires on the looks of your body.

"To me, if I can't handle it myself or through praying through it, all is lost." - I don't believe this statement. God calls us to seek wise counsel and help one another through hardships. My counselor was a christian counselor and I was led there by God. He does not want you to do this on your own power, and frakly you can't. I do not mean to sound harsh, but you won't get better on your own.

There are MANY great therapists who have been through therapy themselves, that is usually what makes them great. They have walked the ground their patients are on. Whether you see it now or not, this is an attack from the enemy to keep you from reaching your GOD given life.

"Why can't I just be a normal bulimic and live a good life? " - There is no such thing as being bulimic and having a good life. The two DO NOT go together. You also talk of knowing that your body is God's temple, if being Bulimic was normal than God would have made it so our food always came back up. Not just went the body is trying to rid itself of something evil.

"But how we see ourselves is what matters right?" - No, its not right, what matters is how God sees you and to him you are the apple of His eye. Do not believe the lies that the enemy is feeding you. You CAN NOT live a normal life with an ED. It will catch up with you and it will try and destroy you.

I know you say there is no deeper issue, but there is. No "normal" person wants to make themselves throw up to lose or maintain weight. And I can say this because that is how I used to live my life. I am not judging you, only trying to get you to see that it is not okay. It is not okay spiritually or physically to do this to yourself.

So how will being 80 or 85 pounds make you a complete happy person? How can it make you more complete or happy than knowing you have a Savior who loved YOU so much that He died on the cross for YOU?

Oh precious Misti, please take care of yourself. You are so loved just the way you are.

Sorry to go on so, but I don't want others to live one day longer in the ED lie than they have to. It is so horrible and life has so much to offer when you are freed from it.

~Praying for you, Dance

WOW Dance! That is such a true post.

Dance,

Thank you for the thoughts and prayers.
LR is right. Everything you've said is true. I know what you're saying is right, but I can't stop my thoughts, I can't put them on hold, I can't get rid of them, I can't even quiet them down long enough to see straight. The worst feeling in the world is not wanting to lose weight and can't, it's the feeling that you get so sick of your thought pattern, that you just want to escape for awhile. The sad thing? You can never take a vacation from yourself.

I know you'll disagree, but I'm really not that bad off. I'm not to the point where I think I need to talk to someone about it.Yes, it is becoming a problem, but it's not a major issue in which I feel the need or want to be talked out of it. Trust me, there is no deeper issue. I'm clean and have no other skeletons in the closet. If I actually was bulimic or anorexic, don't you think people would notice? Don't you know that I'm being watched all the time? Wouldn't I be getting help if this was an issue? This is just a little blip on my life's radar. I will overcome it, AFTER I lose my desired weight. I don't mean to argue, but it's really that simple.

I live a great life. I am very blessed to have so many wonderful people surrounding me. I won't tell anyone about this. No one will ever know that this has been a struggle for me. I'm just going to get up, dust myself off, and go. That's what everybody sees me as, that's what everyone expects. I'm not supposed to have an "off" day. Never should there be a reason or a moment that the smile should ever leave my face, or the sparkle in my eyes to dim.

Yes, I have been delivered, I have been set apart, but I am not normal by any means.

MG

Awwww MistiGrace, i don't know what to say cause i don't have the intelligent words that dance does but after reading your post i really wanted to send a hug your way...it must be soo difficult to live w/ that kind of pressure and feeling like you always have to please others...i'm not going to try to push you in any way i just want to say that i wish you the best...you deserve to be happy and to be yourself..you shouldn't have to feel like you need to put on a smile just to please others...anyway again...my heart goes out to you and i wish you the best ;)

Hey Misti,
I know how you feel, I really do.

You say - "I won't tell anyone about this. No one will ever know that this has been a struggle for me. I'm just going to get up, dust myself off, and go. That's what everybody sees me as, that's what everyone expects. I'm not supposed to have an "off" day. Never should there be a reason or a moment that the smile should ever leave my face, or the sparkle in my eyes to dim." - No wonder you would like a vacation from yourself. Living up to these expectations is HARD. You may try and tell me that it doesn't effect you, but don't be fooled, it does.

I have been through the same thing. Even after both my parents died those arround me who "loved" and "cared" for me expected me to be the way they always saw me, strong, responsible, all together, happy and helpful. So each day as I faced the people in my life this is who I was. But at home and by myself I was very different. I was hurting, scared and angry. So in order to not feel this way I began to abuse food. I lost weight and wanted to keep losing, it seemed to be a double positive for me because it seemed to give me control and being thin as a dancer is valued, but it wasn't a positive. It became the worst thing in my life, even worse than the deaths of my parents.

I know you think that being 80 lbs will make you happy, but God did not design your 5 foot frame to weigh so little. The things you will have to do to get to and maintain this weight will bring you shame, guilt, regret, anger, frustration and harm to you both physically and spiritually.

As much as you will believe you can control it, you can't and at some point it will over power you.

Maybe you are not ready to tell those around you and that is okay, but please stay here and continue to post and read some of the past posts. You may begin to see how many of us have been or are hurting and broken from believing the lies that the enemy tells us.

I pray God to renew your mind and give you victory in this area! :angel:

You are precious little Misti! Believe it for it is so!