Today was fathers day and i spent it with my family. I put on my happy "everything is fine" facade even though i know they saw through it. I think everyone was just trying to ignore how gotesquely thin i am becoming.
Anyways, we went for a walk down along with beach and me and my sister ran ahead. it was fun because we were racing each other and laughing and kiccking in the water, and i just forgot about everything for a while. I forgot how much i hate myself and hate eating and food and calories. It made me think about why the HELL am i doing this to myself. The sky is blue and the water is crystal clear and i am 90 pounds, starving myself to a slow death just cos i dont know how to ******* deal.
I wanrt to stop what i'm doing. I want to live a normal life. But maybe it's just too hard....
:confused:

Hey!xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I sometimes have a strong urge to lose weight and i sometimes do think 'hang on, why the hell am I doing this really??!! This is really unnecessary'.......it's not an easy thing to recover from these EDs...i know....but it isn't impossible. Have u had any counselling etc? It seems as though there's a lot of things that u need help with regards to 'dealing' with certain things that seems to be fueling your ED. Don't give up hope......u can get out of this, but ypu have to get a lot of support behind u to help u along...u cant do this by yourself- it will involve being very honest and open to ur family etc. YOU CAN DO IT girl!!!!!!!!!!:)x

AvA,
How fun it must have been playing with your sister. I am so sorry you are going through this, but you can get past it.

The thing is that you do need to get some help. I know you said your parents think it is a phase and that can cause you to not take it seriously yourself, but it looks like you are at the point now where you know that it is.

I think I told you this in another post, but it is important. You can not get through this on your own. It won't just go away. You need to talk with a professional who can help your develop the tools necessary to, as you put it "deal" with your life. do not worry honey, you are not alone, that is why most of us fell into the ED trap, we did not have the proper tools or resources to know how to deal with our lives. I know I certainly did not, but you can learn them and get through this.

Please go to your parents and ask them to help you find a therapist to talk with. If that is to hard to ask your parents, maybe you have another adult in your life you feel comfortable speaking to about talking with someone. You don't have to tell them the details of what is going on, just that you would like to talk with someone.

It is super scary when you begin this journey, but 3 years of living like this is 3 years too many. Please do not let it turn into 5 then 15 or worse yet, let it claim your life before you really have a chance to enjoy your life!

Seek help one small step at a time! You started my coming here, now keep moving forward. You can do it.

Please take care of yourself.

~Dance

Hiya AvA,

You know it may have been a very small amount of time today that you felt free of all those bad thoughts, but with recovery I truly believe that you can get more of that time. More frequently too. The time when you just feel happy and free. And can just simply 'be'.

I know you have no reason to take my words and act upon them, but I do understand some of how you are feeling. I know very well how it feels to be starving, to see the flesh melting away because you just don't know how to concentrate on what you are really feeling.

Its not easy to get help either. You simultaneously want to get better and want to continue with the disorder. But let me ask you to do one thing for me please. Let me ask you to seriously just consider whether you truly want to die from this....or if you simply just need to be free of all the pain. I ask this because for a while there I actually confused the two myself and thought that I was wishing for death. It is a lonely place to be. Trapped in your own hurt and pain. But there is another way to be free of the pain...recovery.

Please just take a few minutes to think on this. I am here if you want to talk further. And I hope I have not offended you at all. I just wish I could help you to get through this. I do believe you can.

Hugs from H
:wave: