To those of you who wrote back when I wrote my step mom was dying of leukemia and I couldn't get to her because of this back (had surgery July 1st), I am hanging in there and thank you for your kind words. I lost that thread and finally found it again.

I couldn't get to her because I'm in still in too much pain to ride in the car and was sick with flu. Many of you can relate to that.

She passed quickly of the leukemia (at least she only knew she had it for 5 days), opting to forego the blood transfusions and just go. My brother spoke for me at her funeral. I did talk to my dad on the phone and have been every two days since and I know that helps him. He came to visit me this weekend - my brother drove him - and my brother is taking care of him (dad's elderly) we had a nice visit. I think that I just have been overburdened lately with pain and shock that she is gone, and now my dad's health is worse...I know, I can't do anything and have to accept it.

To top it all off, I have major post traumatic stress and it's flaring up. My back problme is due to being attacked at age 11 by a killer with a gun to my head (my mom was attacked too and shot). He kicked me hard repeatedly and told me he'd kick me so hard I'd never walk again, (well, he almost got his wish but the surgery this july got me walking) so any back pain brings on flashbacks. Nice addition, huh? anyone else here with back pain and post traumatic stress?

I've told my doctor this but people don't understand what a flashback is. I cry so hard at the doctors, because just talking about my back throws me into a flashback and my brain blanks. I write stuff down and hand it to him becasue I can't talk sometimes. He probably thinks I'm a nut case. Talking about difficulty communicating with the doctor!

If I go back to therapy he'll want me on prozac or some other med. I hate drugs because it was a drug dealer that attacked me. I do take pain meds when I absolutely need them though and there is a lot of talk about taking or not taking them, but those in great pain, what else can you do? I have total empathy for those in pain who need to take something.

So it's 4:00 in the morning and I'm up writing here due to nightmares and pain, saw the wondeful postings to my post, and had to write back.

Anyways, I guess I posted because I wanted to make a point. I saw t hat the hardest thing about this back pain is missing out on family. Not being there when they die. missing funerals. Not being there to comfort a father. Or drive him around and clean his house when he's laid up himself. I feel totally useless. and I worry about being a burden to my husband.

I've explained to my family about my back and they are understanding. Still, it's hard. I'm terrified of being in pain forever, as many of you are too. I had a nice visit with my dad and brother though you konw how it is...when you're in pain it's hard to focus and be in the moment. I did get a letter to my stepmom before she died. I waited too late to call. She was sleeping and then was out of it.

My dad I think didn't tell me how bad she was because he tries to protect me from bad things and then she went mostly unconscious. Plus, everyone is in shock still that she went into the hospital and then died so suddenly, no one knowing she even had leukemia. Many people missed getting to say goodbye to her. It was good for her though to go quick.

I wish my father had a computer. At 80, he refuses to use one. but the phone is enough and I'm on it!!

So, yeah, i got hit all of a sudden with a lot of stuff, (understatement!) and yes, if you need a pain pill, take one. I do have one thing going for me. I remember being with God when I was dead (it was wonderful) and know he is always with me, and that keeps me going. That makes letting go of loved ones easier. Knowing they are better off. I know too that this back pain is for a reason, and it has made me a better human, more compassionate, more loving, more forgiving. And that's what being on earth is all about, to develop our spirits. I learned that when I died. And it helps me to keep going in this pain. Many of you can relate to that.

I am so thankful I got to see my father this weekend. I'm thankful my stepmom is in heaven and out of pain. I'm thankful to be able to walk again. I just think of all the things I'm thankful for, like being alive. And take it one day at a time. Like all of us have to. It's all we have. And I 'm thankful for all of you. We all need to hang in there. And everybody's got problems upon problems, (I read the posts here and am amazed at the pain and disability people are living with - you are all very special spirits) but we need to look at the positive. How else are we going to get through this?

thanks again.

Blessings

Ladybird,

You have so much courage to share all of the struggles you've been through. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Please know that everyone here is a good listening ear whenever you feel like sharing.

God bless,
Elaine

Ladybird,

Bless you for all you've been through and were able to survive such a horrible nightmare. You must be a very strong person. I can tell you're doing the best you can to deal with the hand of cards you've been dealt in this life. I guess that's all any of us can do.

I've had an autoimmune disease for 3 years that has totally changed my life, and now for the last 6 months to have to deal with this excruciating back pain on top of it is sometimes too much to bear. My husband is still here, but I can see it's getting the best of him.

As much as I hate the illness, I would choose it any day over this pain. I guess that's the lesson I've learned....that as bad as we think things are, they could always be worse. I try to deal with it the best I can, but have to fight the depression every day. This sciatica has made me feel like more of an invalid that the illness ever did. I woudn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Anyway, I hope you can find peace someday and forget what happened, and I hope your back problems disappear forever! :angel:

Paula

Ladybird, you are a model of perserverance and I really admire you for making it through all of that and still having compassion for others. You are a great person.

Now, let me ask you....why not start caring about yourself as you do others? PTSD can be helped. I understand a drug dealer caused your original problems, but do you see that by refusing medications that would help you, you are continuuing to give him "power" over you? He was a street dealer, not a doctor...a viscious, uncaring,piece of dirt who hurt you badly in many ways. Don't allow him to continue to do so. If prozac or any other letitimate medication can help you take back control of yourself, give you better quality of life, then reach out and go for it, honey. You owe that much to yourself!

We all suffer in some way, to some degree, some much more than others. Stress causes our physical pain to soar (I have been going through that lately), and I have just begun taking something for my nerves...it is helping the physical pain as well!

I say all of this with no intent of critisism, only with caring and thoughts of trying to help you. You deserve more.

Prayers for your family and the very best of good wishes to you all.

Carol

Ladybird,
What an inspiration you are :) Your post brought me to tears. I have not read anything so honest and selfless in quite awhile.

God has given you alot to deal with, yet you remain empathetic, hopefull, and persistent. For someone like me, who is not very religous, you make me want to be.

Please don't let the fact that the monster that hurt you was a drug dealer stop you from taking medication that could help you. When I became perimenopuasual, I had to start taking antidepressants. I have a family, and it's not fair to them, or me, to suffer through my mood swings. I would encourage you to seek out anything that can help you. Prozac would cause no harm to anyone, and might help you a great deal.

I wish you all the best, and please keep us posted on your progress.

Take Care,
Julie

Lady,

God put you back here for a purpose, and I think that purpose is to teach the rest of us humility and courage and knowing that someday, we will be as strong as you are if we try. You are an amazing person. I would love to meet you some day and just thank you for your help and inspiration for just being you. I am not going to whine anymore to anyone about my pain. Not after what you've been through. You inspire me and more importantly, give me hope.

I'm so afraid that I'll be this way forever, but then I think of you and I know that it's ok even if I do, because I'm alive. I haven't been damaged by the trauma you've suffered. And I worry about you. I am so sorry you had to endure that. But you are now a teacher. A teacher of how to endure the unimaginable. Thank you and Thank God for bringing you back to teach us how to be humble and give us the hope to keep going.

I worry about your flashbacks. I wish you were able to see someone about them. I know you despise pills, but they would at least allow you to talk to the doctor when you're there. Maybe some Valium? Or Atavan? Just to keep you calm so you can get your information accross. A doctor can't effectively treat you if he can't communicate because your flashing back. Another thing (which you're doing,) is to write it all down, but you shoud head it by what happened to you and why you flashback. THe doctor needs to know.

I'm so very sorry about your stepmom, but she's in a better place. And hopefully felt no pain. Would your father do email? On one of these email stations? It sure would cut down on your phone bill, and those little Station things are really kind of neat. It's just like typing a letter.

I don't really know what else to say except thank you. Again. Thank you for being you and being back to endure me and the rest of us. /wink. We need you.

Stormy

Ladybird,
You are a stronger person than you realize, and I hope you know how much we all admire you for that! Please take care of yourself. What all the others have said is true- a doctor is completely different than that awful drug dealer, he is there to help you, not to harm you. I'm sure your heart knows that, but it is probably hard to get your head to accept it. Sometimes our hearts and our heads tell us two different things!
I am so sorry to hear about your stepmom! Now is the time you and your father can be there for each other, emotionally even if not face to face at the moment.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing, and you are in my prayers.

Jessie

Thank you all so much. I read your posts and cried. I agree with you on the medications. I am now taking pain pills as I need them, though each time it is difficult for me mentally because it's a drug. I"ll think of you saying "take the pain killer!"

I take my husband to the doctor with me to help out so I don't forget to tell the doctor something. It does make it hard to communicate. I see him Friday and will tell him what a flashback is and see what he says, because he DOES need to know this.

As for Prozac, I did take it before and it did help, but it worsened my night terrors. I don't know. I am pursuing my healing through spiritual means. I have so many brain problems with the post traumatic stress that I'm leery about taking anything more that will affect my brain. but you all know how these drugs make your memory go caput. I've done a whole lot of research on Post traumatic stress and I may have physical brain problems as a result of the ongoing terror.

I can say that if I had the choice to do it all over again, I would choose to, because I know i am a much better spirit having gone through all that. And that is something no one can take away.

I don't know I can say the same for this back pain though! I agree that the sciatic is the worst. I had endometriosis real bad and it was nothing in comparison to this crazy butt pain!

My heart goes out to all of you. Some are suffering things that the rest of us cannot even imagine. I read these posts and am amazed at what people are enduring!

What I am doing is documenting my journey in detail in a book to help others. It's also helping me tremendously.

I also agree that stress causes the back muscles to tighten and the pain to worsen ten-fold.

I'm so glad we have this board to talk to each other through! thank you so much for your concern and kind words. I will continue to try to help others by posting to threads. Thanks again.