I'm so sorry to do this but I didn't know where to turn... I feel like I am losing my mind. ..
Why exactly was I wanting to get better? I just seem to have lost sight of it all today. I feel like I am so incredibly fat now even though I have only been out of the hospital a week and a day.
I feel so awful and weak and I just can't stop crying.
I hate myself so much. I know that I should not have signed myself out now because I will end up dying of this before much longer.
What is the point of all this? Why bother to eat if it makes me feel this bad? Why live with this pain? I am hurting and I have no idea what it will take to ease this pain away...
I'm so sorry to all of you that I have let down.
H xoxoxo

even though u dont know me i know for a fact you havent let anyone down. I dont know ur situation but maybe you should go back to the hospital and continue treatment...u dont want to die and no one wants u to die ...

:( (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((AUR ORA))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I know this 'pain' of getting better is unbelievably difficult....but this pain is no worser than not eating and slowly damaging yourself. I lose sight often about why Im trying to lose weight...and othertimes..the purpose of it is as clear as day. Have u thought of re-checking yourself back into hospital. I know u feel as though u dont know why u are doing this any more, but u need support no matter what at this point in time....being around people is the best thing for u- people who are there to understand and help u through these crap times. I'm sorry I cant be of much comfort, but this pain will go away if u continue to stay strong- even though that's not the easiest thing!!!!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXX We r all here for u

Sweet Aurora,
You have not let anyone down. This is a bad day for you, one of the worst, but you can make it through it.

You are doing all this to get your "real" life back. The one that has eluded you for so long.

You CAN have joy
You CAN have laughter
You CAN have love

You just have to keep fighting, but you also have to surrender the idea that you know what is best for you. Unfortunately the pain you are in emotionally and physically is putting you in a place where you are not the best one to make decisions for yourself.

Please think about checking yourself back into the hospitol and allowing them to make your decisions regarding your health for you for a little while.

You are hurting so badly and you can not make it stop on your own, no matter how much you want to.

You are VALUABLE, BEAUTIFUL, WISE and WORTHY.

Take a deep breath my sweet friend and go back to the hospitol where they can help you help yourself.

We love you.

~Dance

Aurora-
You have NOT let anyone down. You are struggling, that happens when you try to get rid of a habit youve held onto for so long. Its not about weather or not your going to have hard times, its about what you do when they come. You know what you need to do. You need to call up the hospital, tell them you are comming ASAP and get there ASAP. Please do this Aurora. You need people with you who can help you get through this. We are all here for you as much as we can be but you need people there for you in the physical life too. Aurora, we care about you SOOOO much. nothing you could do could change that but please please don't give up. Keep up the fight against your ed. Its not worth what it does to you. You asked why you should want to get better- this is why: because it is the ed that is making you feel like crap. Its not "being better" that is making you feel this way, its the ed still there trying to take over your life. You and I both know that if you go back to your old ways you'll still feel terrible, youll still hate yourself for every calorie you eat, youll still hurt, but you may not live. You know Im not saying that to be mean, Im saying that because I care about you so much and I just want you to see that you DO need to get better- for all of us who care about you but more importantly, for you. I LOVE YOU GIRL! Please keep fighting.

Love,
louisa

Aurora - I don't know much about you - just what I've read over the last couple of months... But I'd say you've been under a tremendous amount of stress lately - the decision to sign yourself out, going home, visiting your parents and not having them want to talk about the very things you NEED to talk about, eating, gaining weight... I think what you're going through is probably a pretty natural reaction to all that. Now, what to do about it... I'd say if returning to the hospital is an option, go for it... You know it's a safe - if not comfortable - environment - by going back at least you'll be physically safe for a while, and you'll have the strain of DECIDING to eat and re-feed your body taken away - it'll be somebody else's decision, until you can make it for yourself more comfortably. Somehow, it seems ED units have revolving doors for many, but I think that's partly because we don't allow them to do their jobs as completely as they can - for personal reasons, or insurance ones (as here in the states). At any rate, it's not a failure on your part at all, but going back is a sign of strength as I see it - it takes a lot of guts to recognize that you require a bit more help, and to be willing to accept it. You certainly have a lot of people here who are pulling for you, and I doubt there's one among them who feels "let down."

Wishing you strength - D.

Hey H

Firstly sorry you're feeling so low :(. It makes me so mad to see you so unhappy and I don't even know what I'm mad at but I'll be sending you big hugs!

Secondly, what everyone has been saying about you signing yourself back into hospital is probably a good idea. I know its the last thing you want to do and all that but don't you want to live? Although it feels horrible there its because you're having the control taken away from you for a bit and I know that must be hard to let go of but you have to because you have to get better from this so you can go and live all your dreams. You can do this H.

I'll be thinking of you
Emily xoxox

THANKYOU VERY MUCH
I hope to get my head together later or sometime soon to write a reply to each of you.
I am still not doing too great. Basically I have flunked out on the whole beating my ed thing. I starved a full 24hours then gave in and ate a little then vomited it, took a whole box of lax and went for a run for two hours. Then couldn't get myself together enough to even walk home so I lay on the beach freezing cold for a while.
And why do I feel bad about this in regards to letting people down? Well for starters I had the nerve to get upset with some of my friends from the boards who doubted I could get better a while back. Well 1st prize guys because you could see what I could not - that I was born to fail.
On Monday I am meant to go back to work. Anyone wanna bet on the likelihood of me getting to that point by then?
I don't know why I have lost my will to get better. I just don't think life and me go together very well.
But who knows - I could have ANOTHER sudden turn around and be all optimistic before you know it.
Till the miracle happens I am still rooting for the rest of you. You are such amazing people. So kind, caring and ....just ace!
Keep trying, you deserve a life free from pain.
Love H xoxoxo

Sorry you are having such a rough time Aurora. Wish we could do more for you, but you have to do this for yourself and I know that all to well.

I still believe you will get better, it just has to be at your time and pace. Hug your puppy and think of the good things life has to offer.

Sun on your face
The laugh of a child
The lick of a puppy
The smell of the sea

Don't give up just yet!

~Dance

THANKYOU VERY MUCH
I hope to get my head together later or sometime soon to write a reply to each of you.
I am still not doing too great. Basically I have flunked out on the whole beating my ed thing. I starved a full 24hours then gave in and ate a little then vomited it, took a whole box of lax and went for a run for two hours. Then couldn't get myself together enough to even walk home so I lay on the beach freezing cold for a while.
And why do I feel bad about this in regards to letting people down? Well for starters I had the nerve to get upset with some of my friends from the boards who doubted I could get better a while back. Well 1st prize guys because you could see what I could not - that I was born to fail.
On Monday I am meant to go back to work. Anyone wanna bet on the likelihood of me getting to that point by then?
I don't know why I have lost my will to get better. I just don't think life and me go together very well.
But who knows - I could have ANOTHER sudden turn around and be all optimistic before you know it.
Till the miracle happens I am still rooting for the rest of you. You are such amazing people. So kind, caring and ....just ace!
Keep trying, you deserve a life free from pain.
Love H xoxoxo

My dearest Aur -

If I were a fairy godmother and had a magic wand, the thing that I would change, first and foremost, is that you would not be so unjustly hard on yourself. Sometimes I think that that's the root of soooooo much you go thru. You don't see yourself as others see you - wonderful, sweet, caring, gentle, kind, loving...oh, the list is endless. Knowing you for months as I have I see the person you are...but you have such a distorted vision of yourself!! So this is what I would change if I could. You have claimed you are a disappointment to others, when, in fact, it is others who have disappointed you. You say you let others down, when, in fact, it is others who have let YOU down ( & we know to whom I am referring) You blame yourself for soooooo many things that aren;t your fault, nor that you can help. Dearest girl, sometimes I think that you keep yourself thin so that you can carry the weight and burden that has been imposed on you.

Clearly this visit home did more harm than good, and is responsible for triggering your current state. I think you said it best in your other thread, that you were "p----- that you couldn't tear down this one remaining barrier between you and your parents". But I think it goes much beyond that, Aur...to a wealth of hurt that your parents don't see you, don't recognize that their little girls is suffering so...that they REFUSE to see what is clearly before them...and how very diminishing, horrific and hurtful this is for you. Home should be a place where one can take refuge, where everything is right with the world, where one is loved, cared for, and there can be openness and honesty, too. Instead, it seems they have let you down, and I can't even imagine how hutful this must be for you. Is it, then, any wonder that you are so devastated?? And then, of course, that this has so affected your ed??? Every bit of this is soooooooo understandable, Aur. But NONE of it is your fault, and until I take my dying breath I will keep pounding this into you!!

You were NOT born to fail, Aur. There isn't a person who has ever walked this earth that hasn't failed many times at things. It's part of life!! But BORN to fail??? NEVER!!! In fact, what I have seen in you is someone very determined to succeed!!! So you have had another setback - so what!!! I have had countless setbacks, myself, as have most people on these Boards!! All we can do is pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and try, try again!! But again, you are MUCH too hard on yourself. And it's not about any of us being right and you being wrong...no one here is keeping score!!! You should know by now that all any of us do is state how we feel because we care so much. It's not about us telling you that you are wrong...it's about us caring enough to say anything at all!!!! It's never meant to be confrontational, argumentative, or in any way trying to make you feel bad. It is only because we all know eds so well...we know how vicious they can be. And we know how VERY ill you have been, and we were afraid for you. But let us down in any way???? NEVER!!!!!!!!

I don't think anyone here, including myself, of course, has told you anything you don't already know...including the fact that it's a necessity that you re-enter the program. I know you want to live, but it's the ed that makes you feel that you don't. So, you must keep trying to conquer the ed! You have dreams of the future, a husband you you love and who loves you - you have sooooooo much to live for!!!!!! So, please, Aur, please do what you know you must!!!!!! And know that we are always here for you, and will be, every step of the way!!!!!!!

SOOOOOOOOOO many hugs for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Char :wave:

Oh H, you poor thing

Sorry for not replying to this thread before, I have kept meaning to, but I haven't had too much inclination to post on the boards lately, really not feeling too good. But you really can do this. You are most certainly not a loser, I love you to pieces and I need you here! Could you please please go IP again? You really were in there such a short time when you think about it in relation to how long you have been suffering for. If you would feel uncomfortable going back to the same place, I am sure there must be several other places around you that you could try. Please think about it, and take care of yourself.

I love you so much
xxxxxxxx

Aury:

Well, for starters, no one ever doubted that you could get better. In fact, the opposite is very much true. We were always rooting for you Aur, whether you know it or not, and we were always on your side—ALWAYS. We care so much about you, you have no idea. And no one ever saw it that you were “born to fail,” either. Not even now, because it's a false statement. And THAT is the truth.

I’m sorry you’re having such a bad day today, and I’m also sorry to hear that you feel the way you do about yourself. But I am delighted at one thing, and that is, you came here because “you didn’t know where to turn.” But as you know, there IS also one other place you can turn to, and that would be inpatient. You say that you “know you shouldn’t have signed yourself out.” Perhaps you should reinstate, then? I can only hope you will do JUST that. I think this would be for the best, Aury, and I hope you agree with me on this. PLEASE reconsider, and do what you must—to live, to thrive, and just SO much more!!!

Hey Aurora

In the few months I've been on these boards I have seen the most amazing support for you. So many people want you to get better, you have not let anyone down at all and all we want is for you to be happy and healthy. When anorexia has us in it's clutches, we think we know what's best for ourselves but sometimes it's better to let others give us their opinion and help us out. Maybe inpatient would be the best thing for you now, but whatever you decide to do you have to remember all the love and support that is here for you. You deserve the absolute best and to be free from this ED.

Take care of yourself honey

xxx J*L xxx

H if you seriously think that we didn't believe that you can recover then why would we be telling you to get help? If we honestly thought you couldn't recover we wouldn't bother. We do it because everyone here knows that you need support to recover, that you're going to slip up and when you do you need to know theres somewhere to turn.

I don't really know what to say apart from I believe in you as do so many of us and I can understand why you are reluctant to go inpatient but are there any alternatives?

I hope you are feeling more positive soon :)
Emily

Hiya guys :wave:
Well as promised I am replying to each of you now. (Please don't let the computer crash as I have lots to say to you all!)

Ohiobabe - thanks for your reply. Sometimes it gets so hard and its hard to figure out if you want to be alive, yet part of you does. Its confusing and painful. Thats what eds do to a person. How are you getting on with trying not to purge? I know you probably don't want to do this, but I would recommend trying to confide your secret to your boyfriend. Afterall if you love each other enough to want to get married then he will only want to help you.

Caroline - Actually you are all a comfort. I would love to say I am going to take your advice and go back to inpatient...but I just can't do that now.
:confused: Hows things with you? Are you missing your friend still? I hope you can try and be good to yourself in his absence. I know how sad you are, but he is still your friend even with a physical distance between you.

Dance - You always say such lovely stuff. But I am ashamed to admit that I cannot bring myself to go back now. I feel like I have no choice but to stick to my oriinal plan of going back to work next week. I know it is foolish, but I can't admit to them that I was just a stupid cow like they thought. (the docs) I don't really know how I am going to manage to keep going, but I must try something to keep me out of there.

Louisa - You are right honey. It is my ed that makes me feel so bad. But it also makes me feel like I need it. But I have left a message for my counsellor so hopefully she will call me tomorrow. How are things going since you told your parents? Are you doing well in your own fight against your ed? I sooo hope so sweetie!

Luktyl - I am scared to be one of those people who find that the ed unit has a revolving door. I don't want them to think I am stupid or weak. I just want to be happy. Maybe I am just a contradiction in terms. You are recoverng from anorexia arent you? Do you honestly feel like you are getting anywhere with it? I know some who say they are almost 100% back to their pre-anorexic habits, and others who...don't. Just curious? And hoping for yours and my sakes that you answer the first one!

Emily - You are so important to me honey. You have been there for me without fail, even though I do not deserve that. The thing with needing to get well to pursue my dreams...its all just turned to nightmares. I am afraid to dream anymore because I can't face my own disappoint if it doesn't go 100% to plan. I am a perfectionist to the core. PS - I will answer your thread in a min.

Char - you are right. I do not see myself as that. I can't. I find it confusing that people even bother to reply to my posts. I have done nothing to deserve it. You, however, are like a fairy godmother to many of us. You are always there waiting to give support and encouragement. We love you.
You raise an interesting point though, about why I keep myself like this. I honestly feel like I need to take everyone elses hurts away from them and take them into myself. I wish I could do that with you all on here. I hate knowing you are suffering so much. I would rather die a thousand deaths and know that in doing so I could rid the people of the world from pain and suffering. See I always did aim high, lol!
I hope you are enjoying the new house. When is your hypnotherapy meant to be put into action?

Millie - I can't go back to IP Millie. I am sorry. But I HAVE to go back to work. I need to get into a 'normal' routine with work because so much is going on right now with my family. I need to take back my role as a support to others. I can't do that from IP. My family is grieving just now and my dad is really sick and I am gonna need to be strong for the rest of them. So you see why I have to try and forget about the anorexia and move on with stuff again.
I am so sorry that things are bad still. I would love to be able to help. When you are ready to open up again I will here for you. Love you sweetie.

Quenchy - Honey if you have read any of the above then you may have understood why things cannot go back to how they were. I am so heartened to think that people like yourself actually do give a damn what I do, and I thank you for that.
How are things going for you? Are you back at school now? Is it helping? I hope you are ok. I do worry for you.

Juicy Lucy - Thanks! I am constantly amazed by the support I get from everyone here. And don't think I haven't noticed how wonderful you all are. But I still wonder why people would bother with me. I am a nobody, nothing special.
How are things with you lately? I know you have been in recovery for a while, but have been finding things a bit difficult lately. I just hope you have people to help you with these feelings.

Hugs to all from H xoxoxoxo

Aurora, honey,

I do not know you nor your history, but just in the last couple of days, I have been reading your messages to those who have been struggling, and I have been awed by your kindness, understanding, and support -- to newbies and veterans alike.

I don't have an ED, but I am in this forum because my dearest friend in the world's 17-year-old daughter does.

I have, however, experienced overwhelming feelings of self-loathing for "allowing" myself to gain about 15 pounds in just the last few years, while I was developing hypothyroidism. When the weight didn't begin to come off after starting to take thyroid meds, I renewed my "lazy, fat pig" thinking, not realizing that I was developing a neuromuscular disorder that severely limits my physical activity (as in just being able to walk from one end of the supermarket to the other without having to stop several times to get my strength back).

And now, I'm still beating myself up for not having lost any weight, when it turns out that I am also suffering from borderline high levels of cortisol, for which I am undergoing endocrine testing.

Oh, and I should add that I am taking 375 mg Effexor a day (and no, there isn't supposed to be a decimal point between the 7 and the 5).

What I'm trying to say is that I have medically legitimate reasons for gaining the weight, but I still blame myself for, as I already wrote, "allowing" it to happen, due to a lack of self-control, self-discipline, etc., etc. I truly know intellectually how ridiculous it sounds, but I can't help it. I hate being this fat; I'm heavier now than I was when I was nine months pregnant with my son.

Dear Aurora, I know how difficult it is for you to believe all of the wonderful things that so many people in this forum have written about you. You wrote: "I am a nobody, nothing special", and I began to cry for you, because from what little I do know about you, you are a big, huge SOMEBODY, and a very SPECIAL one at that!!! But you need to know and believe that all on your own.

I wish I knew how to help you make that journey to accepting yourself as the wonderful, unique person that you are.

I think that the best thing that I, this total stranger about whom everybody is wondering, "Who is she, and why is she in here?" (lol), can do for you is to pray for you and for the strength you need to make that journey. You already have the tools to get back on track; you just need to unlock the tool box!

I am hoping that returning to work will actually help you in that regard. It sounds to me as if you derive a certain amount of self-esteem from doing the work that you do, and that can only be a very good thing!!

Hugs,
Pat (who does know ::sigh::, deep down, that she has many special qualities, even if she is too hard on herself about her weight...)

Aury:

You heap too much work on yourself. You need not be everyone’s support system, you know? You should not be carrying the burden for everyone else’s troubles, even though it IS nice for you to do so. But in doing so, it only ends up hurting YOU. And you don’t deserve to be hurt as such. And going back is not a way of admitting that you are a “stupid cow.” And I understand that you want to get back to work and all, but just know that work CAN wait. You need to focus on the ED now, Aur, and beat it to its ENTIRETY before you can guarantee yourself a normal life. And well, I suppose that’s all I have to say. I just SO wish you would go back inpatient. You OWE it to yourself, you really do. And you can't afford to risk, even the POSSIBILITY, of this happening again...

As for me? I start school on the 13th. I didn’t binge Monday through Wednesday, (too busy and tired) and then today, I binged like there was NO end. See? Nothing revolutionary. If anything, it’s retrogression. Sigh.

Aur,

you are clearly someone very special, not a nobody at all but someone who all of these people care about so deeply. I don't know you but I find myself thinking through the day, hoping you are okay and remembering that everyone here wants you to get through this. Do not give up on yourself because we haven't and we won't. We believe in you, otherwise we would not be here.

Look after yourself Aur,

xxx J*L xxx

Hi all-

Aur..well you know what Im going to say... basically what everyone else has really summed up really really nicely! We dont think that you cant recover. You are not hopeless. You will beat this. But as much as I understand why you "cant" go back right now, you must...there is no question in my mind that waiting till its a "good" time in your opinion will prove to be very detrimental to your health. This is not a dig at you in any way, so please dont take offence, but you cant let things wait out and go back eventually. What will this prove? That you could last another week living off of nothing and exercising 24 hrs a day? In 50 years, when you are sitting on a porch with your Hub and your puppy (who wont really be a puppy I suppose...) what will be more important- that you spent an extra week working, or an extra week getting better, thus ensuring your long(er) life? Hmm..well...lets see....mmm....I would say that the working is irrelevant and the getting better is atucally REALLY REALLY REALLY important in the big scheme of life! Try to see things rationally...we all know that you are a workaholic, and that in some cases it may be good to be there, but not right now. You need to get healthy, and you need to do.it.now! PLease please please pleaseeee try to understand this....Take care of yoruself...
XO GG

Dearest Aur -

If only I could make you see that you are unnecessarily hard on yourself!! You cannot possibly give so much without taking some back in return. We just all want to help YOU right now, as I believe yours is the most desperate situation currently.

You said that you don't want to be one of those people who find the ed unit has a revolving door. But, Aur...it wouldn't be a revolving door if you stayed long enough to get better, to learn to eat properly, and to continue to eat properly, so that you would never NEED to return. And what they think of you there doesn't matter!! Their place is not to judge, but to help.

But, OK, if you're set about returning to work, then I hope you will continue with therapy, and also, find some other source of help in which you can be monitored for eating, nutrition, etc. Maybe you could inquire at IP to see if there is something else available that would be suitable to your work schedule.

You are always so kind and caring to everyone here, but why don't you see that you are every bit as worthy, if not more so, of our caring and concern for you? You deserve every second we spend trying to help you, just as you do for us!! Just keep trying, Aur...don't give up...keep fighting the fight. DO NOT allow the ed to win!!

HUGS!!!!!!!!!
Char :wave:

Hiya guys :wave:

Thankyou so much to you all for this continuing support! You have been like angels to me, because as you may have gathered this week has been pretty tough for me both ed wise and also lots of crap has happened with my family. This has literally catapulted me back to my familiar role as the 'strong supportive one.' In many ways I relish this role because I just long to be needed. It validates my existence.

PatNJ - Firstly, we welcome ALL to this board, so stop worrying that people will wonder why you are here. Ok? ;) And secondly, I owe you a big thankyou! Seriously! You have shared your own private experiences and this helps people (like me) feel less alone. I find it hard to know how to thank people when they compliment me for I do not feel worthy of the praise I seem to receive on here. Having said that though I would like to thank you for believing in me. It means more than words could possibly express that people who I have never even met have such faith in my ability to get through this.

Pat I really hope you can learn to accept your own special qualities as the most important aspect of who you are. It is difficult to do this when you are caught up in self loathing, but you must continue to try and see the great person that others perceive you as. I wish you lots of happiness and I pray your friends daughter gets through this difficult time too.

Quenchy - Well honey, I prefer to look at the positive and congratulate you on your binge free days. So have a hug from me ((((quench))))) I live in eternal hope that one day you will allow yourself the help you deserve and until then you always have us. We never stop believing in you ;)
Good Luck for your first day back at school :D

Juicy Lucy - I too think of you all even when I am away from the computer. I find myself silently wishing strength to you all. And hoping that you will all find the key to your own happiness very soon. Thankyou for being there for many of us lately. You have been great!

GG - Please try to understand. I know that health is important but so is keeping a roof over my head. I need the pay and I think I need the small amount of self esteem I get when I get to help people at work. I know it sounds like a cop out - and I will admit flat out that I do wonder if I am doing this all to fool myself that I can't go back to hospital. But be it due to pride or neccessity I am currently unable to ask for help from the ed unit again.

I hope school is going well. Please don't overdo things with school and your job. Your education is important - particularly if you mean to persue a career like you are currently considering.

Char - well I talked to my counsellor and she has agreed to see me in a few days time. But she is an NHS counsellor and I will only be allowed a session with her once a week maximum. So thats what I will be trying I guess. Maybe its not enough, but I don't know how to arrange anything else that will fit in with my work schedule.

Take it easy Char - all that cleaning and unpacking is strenuous work!

Hugs to all from H xoxo

PS I know this is selfish of me to keep going on about my probs, but if any of you are religious can you please pray for my dad to get better...he is really not doing good. I don't know if I could cope if I lost him too. Thankyou very much.

Aurora - You are absolutely amazing for replying to each person individually - you have SO many people pulling for you! In answer to your questions, seeking help will not make anyone think you are stupid or weak - quite the contrary, as I see it. It takes a TREMENDOUS amount of inner strength and perseverance to overcome an eating disorder. It also takes a leap of faith. You have to trust your team not to let you drown. I also know that it is possible to be happy - or at least to NOT be clinically depressed (which I was for a very long time). My own story... Yes - I am recovering from anorexia, in the grip of which I was for about eighteen years (I'm presently 40 - kind of ancient, I think). I was hospitalized three times, yet I don't think it was any of those hospitalizations that ultimately saved me. They simply functioned to keep me going so that I could do the REAL work. As a matter of fact, I have recently reached the realization that I am incredibly lucky to be alive. My physical low was 75 lbs at 5'4'' - not as little as some, but definitly enough to kill you. I also have used tons and tons of ipecac - which tends to weaken the heart. To this day I cringe when I see or hear the word. It's deadly. So, I know that God for some reason gave me a second chance. I am not back to 100% - nor do I ever think I will be. For me, I don't think "full" recovery is a possibility. Thoughts about food and weight still govern much of my time - but I am no longer motivated to let them take over and TOTALLY control me. I have down days - but they are fairly far between now. I have a family, which I appreciate so because I know my two little boys are miracles. They keep me motivated, and are my pint sized heroes. You CAN get there as well - Aurora - or to an even better place. You are obviously a strong, loving person. Turn some of the strength and love on yourself!!! No one deserves it more.

Aurora
I just wanted to reply because I too have seen a great deal of support from so many people for you during this horrible battle. It is really amazing the support we can get from people we don't even see or talk with often. I don't know your whole story, and I'm of course not going to make you rehash it all. But I want you to know that I am thinking of you and believe in your ability to overcome, your courage and incredible strength. As well as your strong will to try and live a somewhat "normal" life while trying to beat it. I don't know you well enough to be telling you that you should go inpatient or anything like that. I just want you to know that I'm here thinking about you, supporting you and praying for you as you seem to do for so many.

Fire

Dear Aurora,

I was so moved by your taking the time to respond to me in such a personal way. Thank you for caring about me, as well as my friend and her dd. :)

It has often struck me that the most special people in the world (like YOU!) are the ones who feel the least worthy of being labeled so. Maybe that's part of what makes people like you, dear Aurora, as special as you are. :angel:

As I've written before, I know that even though our words mean the world to you, you aren't ready to believe them yourself. But you will someday... it won't happen in a day or a week or in a month, or in several months, but at some point in the future, you will suddenly take stock of yourself, shocked at how you could have gotten to that point without realizing it, and say to yourself, "H, you done good!!!"

On a more somber note, please be assured of my prayers for your dad. I hope that he can look forward to a full recovery.

And good luck to you as you return to work tomorrow!! I hope that it will help get you back on track; maybe it will be good for you to be distracted from your family concerns and your own personal struggles. I've got you in my prayers, too, dear one!

Hugs,
Pat

Hiya guys :wave:

Thankyou so much to you all for this continuing support! You have been like angels to me, because as you may have gathered this week has been pretty tough for me both ed wise and also lots of crap has happened with my family. This has literally catapulted me back to my familiar role as the 'strong supportive one.' In many ways I relish this role because I just long to be needed. It validates my existence.

PatNJ - Firstly, we welcome ALL to this board, so stop worrying that people will wonder why you are here. Ok? ;) And secondly, I owe you a big thankyou! Seriously! You have shared your own private experiences and this helps people (like me) feel less alone. I find it hard to know how to thank people when they compliment me for I do not feel worthy of the praise I seem to receive on here. Having said that though I would like to thank you for believing in me. It means more than words could possibly express that people who I have never even met have such faith in my ability to get through this.

Pat I really hope you can learn to accept your own special qualities as the most important aspect of who you are. It is difficult to do this when you are caught up in self loathing, but you must continue to try and see the great person that others perceive you as. I wish you lots of happiness and I pray your friends daughter gets through this difficult time too.

Quenchy - Well honey, I prefer to look at the positive and congratulate you on your binge free days. So have a hug from me ((((quench))))) I live in eternal hope that one day you will allow yourself the help you deserve and until then you always have us. We never stop believing in you ;)
Good Luck for your first day back at school :D

Juicy Lucy - I too think of you all even when I am away from the computer. I find myself silently wishing strength to you all. And hoping that you will all find the key to your own happiness very soon. Thankyou for being there for many of us lately. You have been great!

GG - Please try to understand. I know that health is important but so is keeping a roof over my head. I need the pay and I think I need the small amount of self esteem I get when I get to help people at work. I know it sounds like a cop out - and I will admit flat out that I do wonder if I am doing this all to fool myself that I can't go back to hospital. But be it due to pride or neccessity I am currently unable to ask for help from the ed unit again.

I hope school is going well. Please don't overdo things with school and your job. Your education is important - particularly if you mean to persue a career like you are currently considering.

Char - well I talked to my counsellor and she has agreed to see me in a few days time. But she is an NHS counsellor and I will only be allowed a session with her once a week maximum. So thats what I will be trying I guess. Maybe its not enough, but I don't know how to arrange anything else that will fit in with my work schedule.

Take it easy Char - all that cleaning and unpacking is strenuous work!

Hugs to all from H xoxo

PS I know this is selfish of me to keep going on about my probs, but if any of you are religious can you please pray for my dad to get better...he is really not doing good. I don't know if I could cope if I lost him too. Thankyou very much.


Hiya Aur!!

Soooo glad you'll have therapy once a week! I hope, too, that perhaps the program can help find a way to provide you with some outside support for nutrition, a bit of monitoring, etc. I think you will need this, Aur. Don't forget - you are used to 24/7 monitoring and guidance. To quit everything "cold turkey", I fear, will be unduly difficult for you. Especially now, when you have so many pressures with bereavement, an ill father, and your return to work full time. This is a treacherous load for anyone to carry, much less, someone who *may not* be eating as she should, and who is still a bit frail. Please find a way, Aur!! And I will keep your dad, AND YOU, in my prayers, as always. +++++++ dad +++++++ ++++++++ Aur +++++++ Those are prayers for you both!!

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Char :wave:

Quenchy - Well honey, I prefer to look at the positive and congratulate you on your binge free days. So have a hug from me ((((quench))))) I live in eternal hope that one day you will allow yourself the help you deserve and until then you always have us. We never stop believing in you ;)
Good Luck for your first day back at school :D Aw, thanks. But you must not congratulate me. I am now only back to my old habits, and even WORSE than before. I am overeating constantly AND bingeing in between, and I don't really wish to try and fight it. I just can't anymore. Too tired, too angry, too frustrated. :(

So, how are you doing eating-wise these past few days? Any better? You haven't mentioned it much. And I really hope that your father gets well soon. Keep us updated, okay?

Hey

I'm very very tired at the moment so this probably won't be long or say most of the things I want to say.

I just wanted to let you know I am still reading and thinking of you. you are doing so so well, just focus on the thoughts of why you want to recover. Although I'm not religious, I'll be thinking of your dad and sending both of you my best wishes.

Quench, a few days of slip ups are not enough to rule out all of the wondeful days of achievement, you CAN and WILL keep fighting this and beat it.

Keep fighting Aur. You mustn't give up. Look at all the support you have - if only we were trained doctors/dieticians as well! I hope that you want to get better because that is the most important thing. We will all help you as much as we can. Just let us know how you are doing and we will do whatever we can to help. You are too special to lose Aur, I hope that you can see that in yourself.

Love and hugs

xxxJ*L xxx

Hiya :wave:

Once again, I find an amazing wealth of comfort from your words. You are all such lovely, caring people. Whether you believe you are beautiful or not, you must believe me when I say you all have beautiful souls!

Luktyl - 18 years of anorexia, the pain of it for that long. Do you realise how amazing you are to be a recovering anorexic after that long? I am so proud for you. That is most certainly an achievement! I have been struggling for 9 and a half years or so now. Started as an EDNOS, but then became anorexia. It feels like a lifetime to me, so I cannot comprehend how it felt for you :(
And you have two little sons as well. That is surely a miracle from God! They must bring you such happiness! Don't give up on yourself though - things can get even better than where you are now. Even if you don't believe you can recover 100%, I will be wishing you to feel even happier than ever before!

Lauren - that was a beautiful post you wrote to me. But you must never forget how special YOU are too. I am sure that lots of people here would say such equally lovely things about you too. Never give up fighting it sweetie, you deserve to get well.

Pat - How could I NOT care about someone who is so caring as you are? How are you doing just now? And your friend and her daughter? Is she getting professional help? I hope she can get through this suffering very soon.
Thank you so much for saying a prayer for my dad and I. I love my dad so much but his heart is just not doing so good and I am scared of losing him. I want him to live longer - I want to make him proud that he has me for a daughter...selfish aren't I :( I just want him to live forever I guess...

Char - Well I see my therapist tomorrow and I am praying her scales weigh differently to mine here so she doesn't realise I lost a few pounds...I am trying. Honestly, I do want to get better. Promise. Its just harder than I anticipated. Its so tempting to just slip back to my normal habits of restricting... But I guess thats why I am seeing her - to get better. Right?
Thanks for keeping my dad in your prayers too. I know I am being selfish,...but I love him so much. I want him to live to see his retirement and stuff. I want him to have the chance to grow old and bald (lol baldER than at present) and spend time with my mum. *sigh* I WANT a lot don't I?
Hows your house shaping up? And your eating? Come on Char, you can tell us how you feel you know. You don't have to bottle it up inside.

Quench - You may feel like giving up on yourself. But we will NEVER give up on YOU! You deserve happiness. I wish so badly that I could give you some happiness. Please isn't there anyone you can talk to at school, a counsellor or something. You needn't tell them about the food yet, just tell them you feel bad. Sad and frustrated and upset with yourself and you don't want to live like this, that you WANT to be happy.
PPPLLLEEEAAASSSSEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With a cherry on top, lol!

Emsie - thanks for the best wishes. I hope you are not overdoing things Em, are you not sleeping well? Or is it just adjusting back to a school routine that is tiring you? Anyway, hope you are a little happier now that you have had a few more days to adjust to your new teachers and classmates. And I really hope you are eating enough too. I do worry for you.

J*L - If you were all trained doctors then we would ll be able to help even more. But as it stands you are all an amazing comfort to those you write to. Thankyou for taking time to send me your thoughts. It means a lot that people have been so kind to me.

Hope everyone is doing ok, surviving, trying to do the right thing and all that.
Sending many hugs in your directions (be it north, south , east or west) and I hope they find their way to you all.

Love H xoxo

Hi H

"Once again, I find an amazing wealth of comfort from your words. You are all such lovely, caring people. Whether you believe you are beautiful or not, you must believe me when I say you all have beautiful souls! "
That means when I say back at you, you have to believe it too! :D

"Emsie - thanks for the best wishes. I hope you are not overdoing things Em, are you not sleeping well? Or is it just adjusting back to a school routine that is tiring you? Anyway, hope you are a little happier now that you have had a few more days to adjust to your new teachers and classmates. And I really hope you are eating enough too. I do worry for you."
I'm eating fine, settling into school slowly lol just not sleeping very well so no cause for worry here!! I'm too lazy to overdo things lol :p

How are you doing though? How is the eating going and everything? Are you feeling any better? How is your dad doing? (sorry about all the questions!)

Emily xoxox

Aurora-
I do not know much about you either... but what I have read. I agree with Luktyl,. If the hospital is an "option" for you, well. I suggest taking it! I wish I would have let Any of the MANY speciality places I have been work..........But at the time you can ONLY do, What you can DO!! RIGHT?! You are not letting ANYONE down..(except you...) Don't think for a MINUTE you are letting ANYONE down!! I did the same thing! I have been in the grips of this MONSTER for 20 years...I am 35. And for as LONG as I can remember...Well, you know. You can DO IT! I have prayed for you, and I know something GOOD is coming your way! I wish you all the strength I never had, and the all the strength you never believed you COULD have. YOU CAN!!
You can do this!
Gena

P.S. LUKTYL- I'd love to speak to you sometime! We have a lot in common!

Emsie - I have a feeling you are falling into your 'I'm fine' mode again honey. You can talk you know, we want to be here for you whenever you need to talk.

You ask how my dad is - well he has to have an op soon to try and sort out his cardiac arhythmia...but his blood pressure has rocketed so high that they can't risk it. I am so scared that he will die if they don't sort it out soon, his bp is so high now and unstable that his consultant was surprised he was still ...ya know...still around...

I have a session today with my therapist. She is meant to weigh me. I told them I would be fine with that when I signed out of IP. But I'm not. I lost a few pounds and they won't be happy. Maybe she will forget to weigh me.
I do want to get better. But it comes like second nature to me. Before I realised it I was back to my habits, but I AM eating once a day now. So I am working on coming back up to my plan. I don't want to lose all this.
I just couldn't seem to stop myself. Pretty pathetic, huh?

Geenah - thankyou so much for your support. Can I ask if you are in recovery now from your ed? You sound like you believe everyone but you can get through this, like you aren't strong enough...but you CAN get through this too. You said Luktyl is very like you, well she is in recovery now. I might be wrong with that assumption, and I hope I am! But whatever the case I wish you luck, and much happiness. You are worth more than an ed.

Hope you are all ok.

Love H xoxo

Hiya :wave:

Once again, I find an amazing wealth of comfort from your words. You are all such lovely, caring people. Whether you believe you are beautiful or not, you must believe me when I say you all have beautiful souls!

Luktyl - 18 years of anorexia, the pain of it for that long. Do you realise how amazing you are to be a recovering anorexic after that long? I am so proud for you. That is most certainly an achievement! I have been struggling for 9 and a half years or so now. Started as an EDNOS, but then became anorexia. It feels like a lifetime to me, so I cannot comprehend how it felt for you :(
And you have two little sons as well. That is surely a miracle from God! They must bring you such happiness! Don't give up on yourself though - things can get even better than where you are now. Even if you don't believe you can recover 100%, I will be wishing you to feel even happier than ever before!

Lauren - that was a beautiful post you wrote to me. But you must never forget how special YOU are too. I am sure that lots of people here would say such equally lovely things about you too. Never give up fighting it sweetie, you deserve to get well.

Pat - How could I NOT care about someone who is so caring as you are? How are you doing just now? And your friend and her daughter? Is she getting professional help? I hope she can get through this suffering very soon.
Thank you so much for saying a prayer for my dad and I. I love my dad so much but his heart is just not doing so good and I am scared of losing him. I want him to live longer - I want to make him proud that he has me for a daughter...selfish aren't I :( I just want him to live forever I guess...

Char - Well I see my therapist tomorrow and I am praying her scales weigh differently to mine here so she doesn't realise I lost a few pounds...I am trying. Honestly, I do want to get better. Promise. Its just harder than I anticipated. Its so tempting to just slip back to my normal habits of restricting... But I guess thats why I am seeing her - to get better. Right?
Thanks for keeping my dad in your prayers too. I know I am being selfish,...but I love him so much. I want him to live to see his retirement and stuff. I want him to have the chance to grow old and bald (lol baldER than at present) and spend time with my mum. *sigh* I WANT a lot don't I?
Hows your house shaping up? And your eating? Come on Char, you can tell us how you feel you know. You don't have to bottle it up inside.

Quench - You may feel like giving up on yourself. But we will NEVER give up on YOU! You deserve happiness. I wish so badly that I could give you some happiness. Please isn't there anyone you can talk to at school, a counsellor or something. You needn't tell them about the food yet, just tell them you feel bad. Sad and frustrated and upset with yourself and you don't want to live like this, that you WANT to be happy.
PPPLLLEEEAAASSSSEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With a cherry on top, lol!

Emsie - thanks for the best wishes. I hope you are not overdoing things Em, are you not sleeping well? Or is it just adjusting back to a school routine that is tiring you? Anyway, hope you are a little happier now that you have had a few more days to adjust to your new teachers and classmates. And I really hope you are eating enough too. I do worry for you.

J*L - If you were all trained doctors then we would ll be able to help even more. But as it stands you are all an amazing comfort to those you write to. Thankyou for taking time to send me your thoughts. It means a lot that people have been so kind to me.

Hope everyone is doing ok, surviving, trying to do the right thing and all that.
Sending many hugs in your directions (be it north, south , east or west) and I hope they find their way to you all.

Love H xoxo


Hiya Aur!!

But isn't that usually the way life is? To do the right thing is hard - doing the wrong this is easy. But you must keep trying...and you must try harder, Aur. Because losing a few lbs, when you have no 'surplus' to spare, is most definitely not the right thing! If you are determined to do this on your own, then you must keep up with the program's guidelines for food/caloric intake to, if nothing else, at least maintain your weight. If you continue to lose, there will be no choice but to go back to IP...and I know you know that, and I also know you don't want that. So, you must eat, Aur...3 meals a day, not one! Oh...and I guess you know that they will detect your weight loss...and I seriously doubt they'll forget to weigh you!! And in case this was something else you thought of...no, it won't work telling them that their scale must not be functioning properly. LOL

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, but I continue to have him (and you!) in my prayers. There are meds to control his bp surely?? And to correct the arrhythmia, as well? SOmetimes it takes a bit to get everything under control, but with God's help and the meds, I pray it will all be managed. Please try to not to worry, Aur....and PLEASE eat more so it can help give you the strength to get thru this difficult time, OK??

HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Char :wave:

lol I know I'm prone to 'I'm fine' phases but I really am alright at the moment, so you don't need to worry about me lol! Honest!

As Charly said, you don't HAVE the extra pounds to lose! Anyway, I thought therapists weren't meant to judge people...

"I do want to get better. But it comes like second nature to me. Before I realised it I was back to my habits, but I AM eating once a day now. So I am working on coming back up to my plan. I don't want to lose all this. I just couldn't seem to stop myself. Pretty pathetic, huh?"
No its not pathetic, you've lived with the starving for years and adapted to it so a part of you is telling you its normal even though the logical part of you must be telling you its nowhere near normal. Keep fighting, I believe you can do it.

Sorry about your dad, as Charly said, is there nothing they can do with meds?

Charly, I don't know if I've just missed it (which wouldn't suprise me, what with my observational skills :rolleyes: ) but hows the new house?

Emily xoxox

Hi H
Couldn't you please please go back IP? It sounds like you need the structure of it at the moment to get you to keep eating. And you have come this far, I don't want to see you relapse. Spending however long it takes for you to recover is really worth it, because it means you will have the rest of your life to work and do whatever else you want to. Please get more help, I don't think 1 session a week is enough at the moment.
Take care
Loads of love
Milly xxxxxxxxx

Hiya Ems!

Naww, haven't been talking about the house stuff...too caught up in my concerns for Aur and everyone here, including you, too, sweetie! But you're sweet to ask...but first, are you REALLY fine?? 'Cause I know I do the "I'm fine" stuff, too, and I'm not always 100% truthful. I'm not saying you're not...but I also know sometimes it's easier to say we're OK, than to spill a bunch of stuff, you know? For example, are you still purging?? For if you are, well...that's not exactly "fine", right?? We're always here for you, you know!!

So, we're moved, finally! It was a PAIN, and I hope to never move again!! :D We're mostly unpacked, much has been accomplished, but still much to do, unfortunately!

And how are you doing, Milly? You say you haven't been doing too well, but you've not really explained?? I hope you're better! And how are things with receiving therapy?

Hugs to all
Char :wave:

Hey Char

So how are you? You managed to omit any information whatsoever from that reply! I have posted more about whats going on with me on a thread I started a few days ago, that kind of explains most things. So tell me what is going on with you.

Take care
Milly xxx

Lol, I really am fine :D I haven't purged in aaaages! So its all good!

"We're mostly unpacked, much has been accomplished, but still much to do, unfortunately! "
Lol! I hate that feeling where you've done tons but then you look at everything and theres still loads to do! It just makes me feel really tired!

But yeah, as Milly said, how are you doing?

Love emily xoxox

Hi guys, hows things with y'all? :bouncing:

Hope all is good and you are all happy - well you can't blame me for daydreaming can you?

Char - some of this may not be new to you but bear with me ;) God I am a cheeky monkey today! Lol!

Ok so my dad has had his blood pressure meds QUADRUPULED and its still not making a difference, thats why they think something else is going on. And he keeps having lots of pain in his left arm and shoulder...and we know thats not a good sign. And he is out of breath all the time and, just so weak looking. And he has always been very strong. Now he seems somewhat...diminished.

And btw, you have no need to be concerned - so talk freely about your house and your eating situation. I will be just fine ;)

Emsie - Yes your trademark phrase worries me, in case you are hiding behind it, if you get me?

And actually I think my therapist judges me all the time. In fact I walked in and the first thing she said was, 'So you're back to losing again then? How much weight have you lost?' And although I strenuously denied it, and lied, unfortunately even the extra water I had drank didn't fool her scales.

On the plus side, I had a really intense session with her which I think was good. And I ate a little more today. So hey, I'm almost cured, lol!

Millie - Sorry honey but I have to work. I am not gonna lose my job or my house because I can't get out of my habits. And actually having been back at work a couple of days, I feel glad to be there. I missed it, and my staff claim to have missed me...so yeah I am glad that I made the decision I did.

Hugs to all from H xoxo

Which Em lol and I honestly am fine I'm not lying. I was always told counsellors/therapists dont judge people, but I'm probably jsut wrong lol. That was kinda harsh what she said because its obvious to me that you are trying so hard.

xoxox

lalalalalal ;)

Hey Aur, nice post :) It sounds like you're keeping your spirits high and thinking positively which is great! I can understand you not wanting to give up your house and your job but remember without your health you can't have either of these things and your health absolutely has to come first.

Therapists are strange beings. I remember my first consultation with a psychotherapist and after hearing my story she told me I wasn't and never had been anorexic. I did ask her if she knew what an eating disorder actually was...I guess in a way it was good that she said what she did, you said you ate more on that day? So I guess maybe it was a good thing?

I read a post of yours from another thread...something about how we are all hypocritical in a way. I am certainly feeling very hypocritical at the moment which is why I'm posting less. I have been purging recently which I haven't done for ages, only three times maybe in the last week but it feels like a big step backwards...and I'm so ashamed of it. I eat about 150cals for breakfast then don't eat the rest of the day unless I get a sugar attack in which case I have a 45cal hot chocolate. But sometimes it all goes wrong in the evening and I eat and then have to be sick, I feel so disgusted with myself for losing control and eating...

Sorry to go on about myself, just feeling a bit down! How is everyone? Hope you are all coping and getting on okay. And Aur, you know we want the best for you, please maintain and not lose any more weight hun :)

Thanks for listening to my ramble everyone!

xxx J*L xxx

Quench, a few days of slip ups are not enough to rule out all of the wondeful days of achievement, you CAN and WILL keep fighting this and beat it.

Emily:
Thanks for the encouragement. Unfortunately, though, I have MUCH more than a “few” slip-ups. Once in a while? Fine, okay. But my day of achievement ratio is like 100:1. So, how can I help but feel that I have accomplished absolutely nothing and am a failing horribly?? I’m just so bummed out.

You say you are eating just fine, and are fine. Please elaborate on that. Surely you know this isn’t adequate? What the HECK does “fine” mean? ;) In the mean time, I’m glad to hear you’re slipping easily into school, though! I hope your teachers aren’t heaping loads of work on you like mine are!

Quench - You may feel like giving up on yourself. But we will NEVER give up on YOU! You deserve happiness. I wish so badly that I could give you some happiness. Please isn't there anyone you can talk to at school, a counsellor or something. You needn't tell them about the food yet, just tell them you feel bad. Sad and frustrated and upset with yourself and you don't want to live like this, that you WANT to be happy.
PPPLLLEEEAAASSSSEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With a cherry on top, lol!
Aury:
How about a JAR of cherries? LOL. But even WITH that, I just………... can’t. And no, there’s really no one I feel comfortable speaking with, in the physical life, anyway. I’m just so hated around here.

So, how are YOU? You didn’t answer my question, Missy! I want to hear more about your eating. How are you doing eating-wise? And Aury, surely you know you can’t AFFORD to lose any more pounds?? It worries me to hear this. Please behave. ;) And how’s your dad?? Is he doing any better?

“lalalalala?” What’s that about, hmm? Is there something you’d like to share with us? ;)

As for me? Well, I started school this week, and all throughout my teachers were heaping work on us. I’m stressing myself like crazy, and I can’t stand the work. I’m already behind in some classes, believe it or not. I’m such a MESS!! I’m bingeing like crazy, and on Tuesday, I errrrrrrrrr….. successfully purged for the first time, which is, uh……... REALLY BAD!!!! I’m sensing a nervous breakdown....!!! :(

As for me? Well, I started school this week, and all throughout my teachers were heaping work on us. I’m stressing myself like crazy, and I can’t stand the work. I’m already behind in some classes, believe it or not. I’m such a MESS!! I’m bingeing like crazy, and on Tuesday, I errrrrrrrrr….. successfully purged for the first time, which is, uh……... REALLY BAD!!!! I’m sensing a nervous breakdown....!!! :([/QUOTE]


Why...Hello, there Senorita Quencherita!!

Long time, no hear!!! LOL Awwwwww, but I'm soooooooo sorry that school is already a bummer and you are struggling. Say...did you ever get those GLASSES you know you need????????? It would make EVERYTHING so much easier for you, you know!!!!!!!!!!

And I'm EXTREMELY sorry to hear that you have purged. I am MORE than worried about you, missy!!! You know that purging is bad...have you not read the gazillions of posts from people about this and how they wish they would never have started??? Please, sweetie....no more of that, OK??? The physical damage you will do to yourself just isn't worth it....AT ALL. :nono:

I care, you know.

HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Char :wave:

hehehehe H, how are you intending to explain the lalalala post! I dont think people are guna stop asking questions ;)

Quench - the point is that you are still having days where you aren't slipping up, no matter how few and far between they are, it takes a huge effort to get an achievement like that.

As for what does fine mean, its defined by (or one of the definitions anyway) :

"in good health"

There we are, hope that cleared it up for you :p !

Oh and my teachers are piling hwk on me too. I kept up for a couple of days lol but nothings late yet so its not too bad.

Please please please dont get into purging Quench :( I'm pretty sure you know all the health risks involved so Im not guna sit and go through them but if you feel tempted again think about all of them. Especially that one where you could die

Charly how are you doing?

And H, please talk about how you're doing, we worry!

Right, I will probably not be on for a while so all of you take care!
xoxoxox

Hi guys,
How is life treating you all?

Juicy Lucy - how are you coping now? It sounds like things are really tough right now. I think sometimes therapists are strange people - to me the action of you only eating 150 cals a day sounds anorexic. But it doesn't really matter what the label is - its the person suffering that counts. I hope that soon you will find some relief from all this suffering. And I am always here if you want to vent.

I know I shouldn't lose more, but its just so hard. But I will keep picking myself up, dusting myself off and trying again. I do WANT to get better, so I MUST learn to eat properly. Or die.

Quenchy honey - always a relief to hear from you! I am so upset though that you have purged. PLEASE PLEASE do not start doing this regularly. Honey it could kill you! Please phone a freephone helpline, or go to your GP. Do not let this take you over. Purging bulimia is even more serious than when you were displaying habits of an exercise bulimic.

And my idea of 'fine' was that I was eating once a day. But today is a new day. Today I am going to take out my plan and try and stick to it again. It is not the enemy, I am not the enemy, I can live through this.

As to your homework, just take a piece at a time to concentrate on - if you look at it all in one heap it will just seem unmanageable. Chip away a bit at a time. Organise it in date order for completion or something and just do a bit at a time. Chin up sweetie - you are a survivor, one of the strongest people I know. You can handle this, just remember to breathe ok? Lol!

(OH and I believe I wrote something that Char wanted to discuss with you, maybe you had better ask her what its about, ok ;) )

Emsie - whats to explain about lalalala, clearly I was...singing!

Hope you are all ok,
Love and hugs from H xoxo

Hi everyone

H, I am glad you seem to be quite positive today, but I really really think you need to go back IP somewhere. It doesn't matter where, I can see why it might be awkward going to the same place - so start again somewhere else. Anything. Just please get more help. It is too difficult to recovery by yourself without help when you have been doing this for so many years. Please.
xxxxxxx

Aurora, you WILL beat this, keep strong, My thoughts are with you.

Leanne x

Millie - honey you need not worry yourself about me. True, I have slipped lately...quite badly. But I am determined to live for my husbands sake. I figure that I probably will always feel this bad, but maybe if I just draw this mask even closer to myself then I can even hide from myself sometimes. I won't lose more, I will try and gain a little. I don't know if at this point in time I am ready to gain the huge amount that the doctors want me to, but I will persevere. Maybe if I can get used to not starving, I will care less. Or start to lose the urge like GG has. (Who incidentally deserves much congrats on doing so well!)

You need to concentrate on you Millie, you try to take the problems of us all and fix them. You are taking on too much, take some YOU time and consider how you will beat your bulimia. You CAN get better hon, you are so special and SO worth it!

Leanne - thankyou for your support. It means a lot to me.

Hope the rest of you are all ok. Enjoy your weekends, and I hope you are happy!

Hugs from H xoxoxo

Hey y'all

Aur, I'm glad that you're determined to live. Please do it for your own sake as well as for your husband's. Learning to love yourself and realising that other people really care about you will help you through this. You are so wonderful and worth a hell of a lot more than you think you are and I hope that someday soon you will be able to see this. Work at your own pace. As long as you want to recover and as long as you stick with it, do it on your own terms. Don't let anyone bully you into gaining 4lbs a week if you think you can only manage 2lbs. Just keep getting better at your own pace - remember, baby steps will get you a long way!!

We all believe in you so much, you can get better, I know you have the determination within you to do it :) .

As for me - things are hard and I'm really confused about what I want. Most of me wants - needs - to lose weight. All of me is so scared of losing my boyfriend over this; he wants me to get better, he can't understand that I love him so much but that I love ana as well and I'm too scared to give her up. I also want to model and to get into that industry I have to be thin...but I also have to be confident in my looks. ARGH!! It's so confusing!!! I don't want to have to choose because I want to have everything.

Things will resolve themselves one way or another.

Love to you all

xxx J*L xxx

Hi, Aurora,

Here I am again, "The Strange One"! (lol) I was so touched by your last post to me; you needn't respond to my posts, you know. I write from the heart and don't "keep track" of "who owes whom" and all of that.

I'm very worried about your dad. His continuing decline is disturbing indeed. I hope and pray that the doctors can figure out a way to stabilize his b.p. enough that he can have the additional surgery.

You wrote something about not wanting to lose your dad, because you want to make him proud that you are his daughter. I know you'll deny it (lol), but I'll write it anyway: He is already proud of you!!! You don't have to prove anything to anybody except yourself.

You don't even have to prove anything to your therapist, who was way out of line with her snide remark to you, if you don't mind my saying so. Putting you on the defensive as soon as you walked in the door seems like a mighty counterproductive tactic. I'm glad that you were able to be the better person (despite your little "fibbing" lol) and allowed yourself to have a good session with her.

As has been said already, please don't use your husband or your dad or your second-grade teacher or your pet parakeet (lololol) as your motivation to get better. Isn't a happy, healthy Aurora motivation enough?

I wish that you had the time to read a few dozen of the messages that you have written to your fellow ed'ers. Please try to read even ten, if you can. Your words are always so supportive, encouraging, and loving. How I pray that you could be so toward yourself! If you do look back over some of those posts, could you try to substitute your name for any of theirs and believe that what you have written is truly meant for you?

Actually, I have noticed that all of you wonderful ladies are so kind and caring toward each other... but not to yourselves. I know that my wishing it cannot make it so, but I do so wish that you could all channel that collective loving energy into one big, warm blanket and wrap it around each other and yourselves, too....

I hope that you continue to find satisfaction in being back at work and that the good feelings :) it engenders in you will support you in your journey to wellness.

Take care of yourself, precious Aurora.

Hugs,
Pat

Hiya,

How are all you lovely people doing? Hope you are all ok.

Juicy Lucy - Thanks for your advice. I know I should eat and live for ME, but I don't feel I can. But I am willing to try for others. Maybe with time these things may change...who can predict?

You are right - I definitely cannot cope with that kind of gaining. It has to be gradual if I am going to do this. Easier said than done though. After 9 and a half years of virtually killing myself to be thin its difficult to try and accept that I am meant to gain at all!

JL ...you know that you have been trying recovery for a while but lately have begun to slip a little...can you not try to write a list of the reasons you decided to get better last time? Maybe if you can put this list somewhere easily accessible (by your bed/ as a bookmark/etc) you can go to it and draw some determination from it.

Please don't bury your head in the sand and say 'things will get better'. That will only happen when you are ready to sort this stuff out. Please consider going to get some help. This is your life in danger - do what you must to save it from the misery of your ed.

PatNJ - I didn't reply out of a NEED to respond, I replied because I like you!

As to my dad - we had some good news today so hopefully he will be getting his procedure soon. I so hope it helps him. I hate knowing how fragile he is right now. Oh - and you are right, I don't believe he is already proud of me. I have seemingly progressed well and quickly in my profession, but there is always room for me to improve. Thanks though - you are so nice to me.

The thing is I am fine at giving advice to people - but its like it doesn't apply in my world. My therapist asks me why this is, and quite simply its because I don't feel like a good enough person to be alive. I am spending my life trying to atone for my sin of having been born at all...or thats how it feels.

Anyway, to update I have had a GOOD day today! I have eaten fairly well. I am just so happy that my dad may get his chance to get better now. And I had a really good day at work. So all in all I am fine. Like I say - must be almost cured now, lol!

Hugs to all,
H xoxo

Thanks Aur

Everything's confused at the moment. I don't understand my own feelings anymore...last time i went through this i was unhappy, i hated myself, now i have a loving boyfriend and i want to live so i don't understand why all of a sudden i look in the mirror and hate the body i see. i am not ready to get professional help, i would be a failure if i sought it and i would reject it like last time...i'm not ill enough to be anorexic, i'm not skinny enough, they would laugh at me if i turned up for therapy. it's all i can think about at the moment but i hope that one day i will see that there is more to life than being super skinny.

i'm so pleased about your dad, that must be a great relief to hear such good news :) i'm also really happy you had a good day - see, they DO exist!! maybe work on having a few more good days each week. think positively, remember that there are things to live for, that people want you in their lives...you can beat this. try to beat a little bit of it each day, whether it's saying 'no' to it for once and eating something small, thinking something positive about yourself...baby steps, baby steps. It's the only way to do it.

Take care honey

xxx J*L xxx

JL,
No-one will think you are a failure if you get support from a therapist sometimes we all need support and it is good getting help from someone who in non-judgemental and doesn't know you personally so can give unbias advice.

I am glad to hear your dad is improving Aurora
You sound more positive, like you are fighting and winning against the Ed Keep going you will feel great and stronger as each day passes, for every day you do well reward yourself mentally, give yourself a well deserved pat on the back.

Leanne

p.s I think you have started the longest thread ever it just keeps on going:)!!!!

Hey guys, looks like I have more than a bit of catching up to do!!!

h, I'm glad you've been getting good news about your dad! And how could you think he's not proud of you?! H, you everyone will always be able to go that bit further. If there was a point where you had done everything you could do and couldn't go any further, life would get a bit boring don't you think? Just because you haven't done everything yet doesn't mean you aren't doing your best. Look at waht you have to battle and your determination to do that AND work AND be at home AND help other people etc etc. If you ask me, I think thats something any father would be proud of.

I hope you are doing better. The threads I've read so far give the impression you've been struggling a bit. Am I right? The thing is, you're doing so fantastically well. Look at what you've achieved so far in recovery. Look how far you've come. Ok, maybe there are times you still wish you weren't eating for days on end, sometimes there's times where you relapse but it seems to me, when people are in recovery and they get to those times, they forget that they knew those times were guna be there. Before you recovered, you knew that sometimes you would want to go backwards and you knew that it would be tough and there would be relapses. But you also knew you were going to get better. Because you have to. Ultimatly (sp?) you have a choice: you can live or you can die. You chose to live H, never forget that. You are going the right way and day by day you are getting closer to being recovered. Through any relapses you may have, that means there is one less relapse to go, every negative thought you have means you are closer to the positive ones.

"Everything's confused at the moment. I don't understand my own feelings anymore...last time i went through this i was unhappy, i hated myself, now i have a loving boyfriend and i want to live so i don't understand why all of a sudden i look in the mirror and hate the body i see. i am not ready to get professional help, i would be a failure if i sought it and i would reject it like last time...i'm not ill enough to be anorexic, i'm not skinny enough, they would laugh at me if i turned up for therapy. it's all i can think about at the moment but i hope that one day i will see that there is more to life than being super skinny."

Firstly JL, you know theres more to life than being super skinny already, otherwise you wouldnt want to get better. Anorexics aren't all super skinny you know, everyone starts somewhere and so there's no way anyones guna laugh at you if you get help. Plus, you can't judge yourself on whether you are 'skinny enough' because you have a distorted image of yourself. Whats skinny enough anyway? So skinny you are permanently at risk of dieing and losing everything you have? While you have a disorder you will never be 'skinny enough'. Even when every bone is showing, you will still see yourself as 'too fat'. It will kill you if you dont get help.Sorry if that sounded a bit harsh, I just worry.

I hope everyone else is doing ok, I'm going on a little bit!

Emily xoxox

Hey guys!

Please forgive how long it is taking me to answer lately but I am finding it difficult fitting everything into the day, let alone try and adequately reply on the boards. No rest for the wicked eh? Guess I can see those lil devil horns poking through, lol!

So how are you all doing? Hope things are ok with you all. Just cos I have not been around as much doesn't mean I don't still care and think of you. Ok?

Emsie honey - I am so glad that you are back from staying at your mums. I like to know how you are doing!

I honestly don't believe I have done anything in my life to make my parents proud of me. But thank you very much for the vote of confidence - you really are a sweetie!

Yeah - I haven't been finding it easy. Its hard trying to fight an ed when it is so engrained in everything I do. But I will keep on trying, I have no real other choice. I unfortunately have been distracting myself from the ed by turning to other harmful habits. But I am hoping that one day I will be able to just 'be' and not feel it neccessary for me to deliberately harm myself any more. It makes me feel so stupid and weak.

Anyway, I hope you guys are all ok.

Hugs from H xoxox

You will have done millions of things that make your parents proud H, even if you dont realise it.

How are things going?
x x x