i promised myself i wuldnt make myself throw up..i did tho :-( i ate mcdonalds and i didnt want it in my body so i threw it up. i have to stop this...i dont want to tell anyone, i refuse to tell anyone. tomorrow, im NOT going to do it. im not giving myself the option of doing it. to tell u the truth..i dont know if i can do this myself....i feel so disgusting and screwed up that im doing this.... i have enough problems in life..im bipolar...ive had problems in the past and this adds on...how *****ed up can i get???!!!!!!

Hi, sweetie,

I am new to this forum, having an interest in the topic because my dearest friend's 17-year-old daughter suffers from an eating disorder. I expect that as more people read your post, they will come forward with better advice than I can give you.

But in the meantime, here are a few thoughts...

*You can't get better by yourself. You need to accept that you have an illness and seek treatment for it. Whichever doctor is overseeing your bipolar disorder can direct you to the appropriate resources.

*At this pre-treatment stage, you don't have much, if any, control over what you do or think. This illness really isn't about food, or vomiting, or starving yourself ~ it's about how you feel about yourself in general, not about your weight or your inability to stop yourself from throwing up. It could also be about how you feel about your family, friends, school, job, your future, about events in the past... really, just about anything. The bulimia has become a way for you to cope with whatever is hurting you inside, or eroding your self-esteem (and you probably don't even know the source of your pain yet, and that's okay; therapy will be of tremendous benefit in helping you get to the root of the "real" problem).

As "disgusted" as you feel about throwing up last night, please try to remember that right now, you can't help yourself. Again, that is why it is so important to seek proper treatment. In time, you will be able to help yourself, but for now, please try not to beat yourself up over your inability to stop yourself from giving in to your impulses. What's done is done; all that matters right now is what you do from this point on. You deserve to be as healthy as you can be, inside and out. You are worth it, sweetie! I can't emphasize that enough.

I don't know how old you are, but statistically, I would guess that you are still in your teens. Have you talked to your parents about your problem? Having watched my friend deal with her daughter's struggle to get well, and as a mom myself, I can reassure you that there isn't anything that you can tell them that will make them love you any less or think any less of you. It might take them a little time to "get used to" the idea that you have this illness, but they will quickly come around. In the beginning, my friend's husband was in denial about their daughter's problem, but he soon understood the seriousness of her illness and has become a strong advocate for her, as is, of course, her mom.

If your parents are out of the picture, for whatever reason, then, as I wrote earlier, definitely talk to the doctor who is treating you for your bipolar disorder. If you are in college, then certainly go to your campus health center and ask them for information about any mental health resources that might be available at school or off-campus, if necessary.

*Admitting that you have an illness and recognizing that you can't address it on your own is half the battle. Remember, too, that having an eating disorder doesn't make you a "bad" person, or a "weak" person, and certainly not a "disgusting" person!

I wish you all the best on your road to recovery. Good luck, sweetie. :)

Hugs,
Pat

i can tell you from experince (not with throwing up, but with overeating) that telling yourself that "im not going to do it tomarrow" will not help. im not gunna be able to give you advice, because i tell myself the same thing, and end up eating so much the next day, promising myself the same thing. but u have to find some other way to make sure you keep your promise. im not sure what, but if you figure something out, please let me know!

I just wanted you to know that was the nicest thing you could've ever said to that girl. I wish I had someone to be that way with me. and I wish I had a computer 14 years ago so I could've hopefully stopped this terrible disease.

Stac75,

Thank you for your kind words. I feel as if I don't have any right to be posting on this board at all, because, as I wrote in my first message, I'm in this forum just because I'm trying to find out anything I can to help my friend and her daughter.

As for you, honey, I am so very sorry that you have not had the support system that you have so desperately needed for 14 years. Feeling all alone is painful enough for anyone, but for someone with an illness such as yours, it must be so much more hurtful.

Unfortunately, there isn't anything that anyone can say or do (including you) to change what happened during that time but there is a lot that can be done to change the course of your future!!!

"Yeah, right," you're thinking, and I understand, but - guess what? - without realizing it, you have already taken a new "first step" toward recovery!! You want help; you know you need it, and in posting here, you have reached out for it!! Good for you -- you're a survivor!! It doesn't matter how many times you have taken that "first step" before (dozens, hundreds?), because this particular first step can be the one that will ultimately bring you to your goal!

You do have access to a computer now and all of the excellent resources online that you can utilize to reeducate yourself about your disease. Through your online research, you should be able to find local resources in your own community for referrals to support groups, therapists, and/or facilities specializing in eating disorders... if money is a problem, then don't hesitate to reach out to your community's or county's mental health facilities.

As I said to ohiobabe, you can't do this on your own! I suffer from several autoimmune diseases, and am currently undergoing testing to determine if I have any others. I have spent the last 13 years or so of my life trying to find out what was wrong with me, only to be told that I was a "hypochondriac", that there was nothing wrong with me that "a little exercise" wouldn't cure; but I knew my body and knew that something really was wrong, so I hung in there, traipsing from one specialist to another, until finally, last summer, I was diagnosed with the first of three autoimmune disorders, so far :-( . This "quest" of mine has all but cost me my marriage of 25 years -- even my own husband bought into the hypochondria label. My being so sick has taken its toll on my two children, too. Sweetie, I know all about frustration and disappointment and, especially, guilt (even though I couldn't help being sick, I felt -- and on some level, still feel - that if I had only "tried" harder, then perhaps I could have overcome whatever was wrong with me and not destroyed three innocent lives in addition to my own).

But deep down, I know it really wasn't my fault, and your battle with your own disease isn't your fault, either.

I know how lame and corny it sounds, but please take that second step again (no matter how many times you've taken it before). For you to have survived 14 years with this disease says to me that you have a lot more courage and determination than you are giving yourself credit for!! Use those strengths of yours and get the help that you deserve. You can't imagine how many times I felt myself beginning to fall into a pit of despair as I was ridiculed over and over again for running from doctor to doctor in my search for answers as to why I felt so sick, but I hung in there (out of sheer stubbornness at times (lol), and not necessarily out of a sense of determination!!) and about a dozen years later, I finally started to get some answers.

Please give yourself one more chance to get well and live the happy, fulfilled life that you were meant to live. I will be thinking of you, honey, and wishing only the best for you.

Hugs,
Pat

tumbler807,

I'm sorry that you are dealing with your own painful struggle.

I hope you know that "promises" aren't going to work until you've been given solid, factual information about your illness, an awareness of what your "triggers" are, and a set of coping skills to fall back on in times of stress.

If you are trying to overcome your illness on your own, your chances of succeeding are far less than if you were in a supportive, therapeutic environment.

Please reach out for help, and if you have already done so, then reach out for more (or different) help!! Hang in there until you find a program or group that works for you. Everyone's situation is unique, and what works for one person (or a million!) might not work for you. But, fortunately, many other options are available, and I am sure that you will find something that "clicks" for you!!

Good luck to you, hon!

With warm wishes,
Pat