Hey all... Hopefully some of you can give me some support on how to deal with marital problems... due to dealing with all your back problems.....I am finding that it is causing alot of tension, stress, arguments etc... between my spouse and I.... I am having to deal with all this pain.... also having to deal with making a decision as to whether to have the ESI....what if it doesnt help...What if it helps temporarily and they send me back to work, and then the pain comes back?.... ya'll know what I am talking about.... but when I talk to my spouse about it's like they don't quite get it or something, like they don't get the stress I am under... the depression from dealing with all this....You know... I will say... what if this? or what if that? How do we deal if I loose my disability benefits?... How do we live on one income?... and all I get is..."we'll manage"...or " Don't you think this stresses me out too?" I guess I just need more then that... I don't know... Is that wrong of me? I just seems that anytime I need to talk... my spouse just dosn't seem to want to.. What do I do? I am about at my wits end with all this... :(

I can certainly relate. My marriage is only just recovering from an almost divorce, mainly brought on by my chronic pain and my husband's inablility to understand what I'm going through, and my inablility to feel secure in our marriage when I felt so very horrible and useless. We ended up seeing a marriage counselor, and it really helped. I learned things about my husband I never knew. His feeling inept because he couldn't help me. My depression and his fear I'd suicide. A lot of things were said, and it really helped us to finally communicate, because that is what was missing. We still have our moments, but we understand each other much better now.

If you can get your husband to agree to going to a real licensed Counsilor or psyciatrist. ( We saw a psyciatrist because of the drugs I take that were an issue for my husband. She, the doctor, was able to explain a lot about that to him, where a simple councilor isn't able to do that.) A lot of men think that it's unmanly to see a marriage councilor. Somehow they failed. Men never fail. (The fat heads. hehe.) But really, see if you can get him to go. It sure saved my marriage, and I hope it will help yours.

Good luck to you.

I totally agree with stormygale,the only way that you two will even be close to 'being on the same page" here,is if you can sit down with a neutral party and really discuss the problems.I went through the same thing with my husband throughout my three surgeries.The really ironic thing here is that my husband had to have a fusion done on his C-spine about seven years ago and I was the pillar of strength for him and was so understanding while he was suffering terribly from his herniated dics,so he was very well aware of the pain and problems involved but never really was there for me at all.I even reminded him many times of just how i was so 'there" for him while he went through his pain and surgery,to no avail.i think the biggest thing,at least with my husband is that the way he used to deal with the 'bad' things was to ignore it and it would go away.That included any problems in our marriage and my health situation.

Unfortunetly(and fortunetly?)it took a seperation between us(after 23 years of marriage)and a really good counselor to get us on the right track.I cannot believe the difference in my husband.He did a total turn around and now is so totally supportive and actually calls me from work everyday to see how i am doing and if i need anything p[icked up on his way home(like rxes,a big one).Like i said, I never ever thought that my husband could possibly change his ways after so many long years of being basically very selfish,but i guess anything is possible under the right circumstances.it took almost losing me and his kids for him to finally wake up and notice just how badly he had been behaving.he almost lost the best things that ever happened to him.i thank god everyday for counseling and totally credit that in making our relationship better than it had ever been.It can be done,but it takes some real soul searching and a strong commitment to working things out.i wish you luck and hope you can get your husband to see a counselor with you.Keep us posted,K?Marcia

I can relate to your problem, my exwife would not go to a marrage councilor with me after my first surgery, nor would she seek any help at all except from another man. It seems that when your not able to give sexual comfort the spouces seem to think you do not want them. Too bad my ex took the easy route and left me. I hope your spouce will show that love can over come and seek the help that is out there.

I have been lucky to now have a very loving person in my life that gives me the help and support that is needed in the times that we go through. For a while I lost hope in that kind of love being out there, I am glad I was wrong.

I'm sorry, (and glad) for you MagicalHawk. It's too bad your ex didn't have the guts to bring in a third party to help work it out, not go to bed with. That's just so wrong when the other person is disabled. I'm so glad you have love in your life again, though. That's wonderful to hear. Good for you, and good for your new love. :)

I'm really sorry to hear about this. Like it's not enough to be going through what so many of us do but then to have to worry about maritial relations and everything else is just unbearable. All I can say is that it sounds like a really good idea to go to a psyciatrist if your husband will agree to it. Hang in there and be strong, I know it seems like it's never going to stop but it will. It is very important to have open communication, you have to be able to talk to your husband and he has to be able to put himself in your shoes. It's hard for him but maybe he forgets that you are the one with the real problems. Take care and keep us updated.

I'm in the same boat. Only I feel so horrible for being such a burden. I've been unable to work from this. Can't even do housework. And no trips, not even car rides. Three years of this. I keep wanting to run away so my husband can get a life, but I have nowhere to go, with no job, no money, and can't walk much. I can see if there is hope the pain will go away eventually, but what if it doesn't?

I'm horribly depressed from this and get real cranky from the pain pills and pain. And yet, if he were disabled, I'd be happy to care for him because I love him so much. I suppose a councelor would help, but who can afford that after paying so much for back surgery and PT etc and no job??

I watch my brother with his disabled wife and he has given up so much of his life, and her brain is so fried from meds she can't even remember our name or what she did the day before. I don't want to be like her. And the family always talks about what a burden she is on my brother and I look at myself, and think, yeah, well I'm no different than her, a burden on my own husband. I wish I had money and could live alone and hire someone to care for me and let my husband go so he can get a real life. I feel so guilty for being disabled, and yet it wasn't anything I did. the guilt is horrible.

Aloha All,

This really hits home with me also, I have posted about this problem in other threads. Our nineteenth anniversary was 30 July 04, my injury occurred 25 July 03. My wife has not slept with me in the same bed since August of 03, just writing about this is difficult, I am supposed to be the man, my wife’s rock, now I am damaged goods, it has taken a toll on me and I am not sure I will ever get back what we had before my injury. Can you say "depression", I am in such a lonely place right now I can hardly stand it. If it wasn't for this community I may have considered the easy way out. This is from a "Mans" perspective, it doesn't sound like it does it? I am starting to shake now, just writing about it makes me sick to my stomach.

Chronic pain must be very difficult to understand from the other side, I don’t know. I better stop now or this could go on for pages.

i can relate to all the above. my husband and i have been together for 11yrs and have beutiful son . he knew of my condition when he narrued me but at the time it wasnt as severe as it has been the past 3 years. he sleeps in his own room so i can have pleanty of room without hurt he says. i also havent worked in 3 yrs. im on many meds that also make me grumpy and moody. and half the time im fatigued were moving isnt an option. ive tried to tell him to let me know how he feels so we can some how come together and work thru this, but he dosnt wont to listen, nor take my needs of my disabilities at hand that i cant do alot of thing anymore. he says he makes me do it all so i dont lay down and die.if i do die than its either gods will or mine not his no matter how much he pushes me to go. i like to be able to tell him how im feeling, and the results that i just recieved that are devistating but i cant and i wont, for he will let it go on deaf ears. im sorry just had to vent. holding everything in and not telling the one you love because of his ignorance has drove me batty.any hoo! i hope you guys and gals can make it work.
love to all

texaswildrose-
i agree with the person who posted the 1st reply. i although i haven't been married that long, i have been with my husband for 3 yrs and have been hurt for 2 1/2 yrs of that time. worse than that i was a cop and my nature is to fight and the more i fought my department as they tried to screw me over, the more pain i was in. i was angry and in pain all the time and my threshold of patience was pratically zero. we almost ended our relationship and if we had not gone to a counselor, we would not be together today. he explained to my husband also about the drugs, how why i had a short fuse (because i was expending all my energy on trying to cope with the pain every minute of the day and that is very tiring!) and i finally got my husband to admit that he didn't totally believe that i was in that much pain all of the time. he thought that i used it sometimes as an excuse to not do things that i didn't want to do. after almost ending us a couselor is the best. i didn't agree with everything he said, after all, he made me draw pictures and told me what i was trying to say with them -kookoo!!- but a third party who understands people with chronic pain are usually a real eye-opener to your spouse. my husband held all his questions and hatred of my quick temper that would explode inside of him and never said anything until he was sick of it and is was almost too late.

i will also tell you that my own father who i am close to as well as- my mother-only recently went to a docs appt. with me for the first time and this paticular neuro was horribly mean and cruel to me (and i am very hard to insult or hurt my feelings,after all i was a cop!), and it finally hit my dad, after 2 yrs. that i am really seriously hurt. the neuro had said that i had no hope and that the fusion sugery through the stomach (which is horrific) was the only thing i could do and my quality of life and mobility would suck. if it even worked and didn't make me in worse pain than before and i didn't die on the operating table or my bowels didn't fall asleep or my uterus didn't get injured and i wouldn't be able to have kids ever. my dad also felt like this whole time that i was also using my injury as an excuse and i wasn't hurt THAT BAD!!! that i should just suck it up and stop being a wuss. he would say this kiddingly, but i always new that he meant it. my dad doesn't say he wrong or apologize EVER and he couldn't stop apologizing to me for a week for not believing me!! my mom, however, still has her moments of believing me. i repeated tell them-even now- that when they harp on me or constantly bite at me for stupid irrelevent things 99% of the time, that it stresses me out and hurts my back worse. ask the doc to explain that to your hubby- listen closesly to why----------when you are stressed out, your body releases cortisol which inflames the area where you are injured 10 times worse. it is not in your mind, in fact when i went to the emergency room last summer it clearly stated that on my release papers so it is not just that doc!!

anyway, good luck. please find a couselor-i hope he cares enough to go-my husband is a cop also (i keep forgetting that i am medically retired!) and believe or not, i was the one who kept telling him that we could talk it out ourselves and we were fine. i was the macho one! that was my fault for not agreeing to go from the start. but i had no idea how bad he was feeling inside about us. being macho or weak has nothing to with it. having chronic pain wears on us and its kind of like you have cancer or some other painful non-curable disease. he doesn't have it so he doesn't understand what is does to you every day!!!!!!!!! . take care and let me know how it turns out!

lynns-just my personal experience-i was on pills-percocet 10/325-th highest- taking 6-8 a day and not making a dent in my pain. they made me even worse in cranky dept. than i already was just from the pain. my doc put me on the duragesic patch and it took just a little while to get use to, but they do the job most of the time, and i am not nearly as mean as when i took pills. it is worth looking into, but let the doc know that the company is aware that although they say to put on one patch every three days that they don't las into the 3rd day. every two days is what they last or else yo will start to detox and that in addition to the real pain you have sucks. they give the docs a chart to match the dosage to the level that you are at with the other stuff. it worked for me, and i missed the pills for awhile since i had taken them for 2yrs. just habit i guess and since i had some left over it was hard not to take them to make me be in NO pain, but if you try the patch try hard to resist that urge to make all the pain go away. you wil get you body use to more, and more , and more and i know this because i personally did it, that then you are really inpain but use to it all. i was on that path -NOT because i liked drugs, or pills (i am a retired straight-laced cop!) or being high (i hated that when that happened every once in a while),but because i would be out of pain for once. i learned to try to cope on the days that i am in worse pain, but i have been on them-and just them for 6 or 8 months.
this is just a suggestion!

I forgot to mention in my first post that I havent' slept with my husband since last April. And we're not talking sex here. I sleep downstairs because my leg has such a problem getting upstairs and down. He never sleeps with me although he knows he's welcome. He says "The bed is too small," as it's only a queen, where upstairs it's a king. "He doesn't want to bother me with his tossing and turning, it might hurt me more." SO, six years of no marital relations, and not even sleeping together (except for when we took a trip in the motorhome across the country so Hubby could see all the wonderful things in this land we live in before he get's too old. He's 71.) That takes an incredible toll on a marriage. The lack on intimacy is what was causing us to fight so much.

The coucilor is the one who brought that up. We should at least sleep with each other and see each other naked and it will increase our closeness, and it did. Not that we had sex. I'd probably die if he tried that. heh. But we are so much better off now then we were. I just can't stress it enough. YOU CAN'T DO THIS BY YOURSELF. You have to have that third party to do it. And most councilors will pro-rate on your income. You should at least call around and just ask. If your hubby won't go, it would still do you a TON of help to have someone who is non-judgemental to talk to. I can't tell you how much it has helped me, those single sessions when my hubby wasn't there. I could really lay it all out and get it off my chest.

And Haw'nCarl, don't you dare do something foolish. Don't you know that we are all here for you? We are you lifeline and you had better hold onto it buddy. I'm just a girl, but I'll kick your behind if you do something stupid!! Don't scare me like that. (Even though I know exactly what you mean.) You're ours, my friend. We're here night and day for someone to talk to and vent. We love you and don't want to see you get yourself in a fix because you don't feel like you have anyone. You have us.

And kaat, I know exactly what you mean when you say your family doesn't believe you. My mom doesn't believe me. She thinks this is just some game I'm playing so I can be lazy and do nothing. Do you know how much I'd enjoy vaccuming my own house? Luckily we can afford a girl to come in for an hour every week and she dusts and vaccums for me. She cleans up the kitchen area and is even going to clean my porch, because we just plunked a hottub on it. Boy does that hot tub help. Floating at zero G's is just so helpful on my back...

Anyway, I have to go get my hair done. THis is going to hurt like mad, as I have to drive myself 8 miles to get my hair done and colored. It's my birthday. :P And I am going to treat myself even if it kills me. Wish me luck! If I get pulled over, it's a DUI for sure.

I made it :p

Sorry to hear of your problems. I am experiencing the same things in my marriage due to my husbands back problems. They keep getting worse, and we have tried all but surgery. A few years ago we tried an epidural block, my hasband was allergic to the steroid and went into a steroid induced psychosis. Needless to say, we ended up with legal problems, etc., and I had to have him commited. After about 3 months the steroid was out of his system and he was back to himself. We made it thru all of that, but things keep getting worse. I live day to day waiting to see what kind of mood I will have at night, depending on his mood. We barely communicate anymore, and he doesnt' understand how he is treating me. I'm not ready to give up on us, but he won't, or can't change things. He has his mindset that he will be disabled in a few years, and won't come out of his depression. I'm at a loss of what to do. Maybe counseling will help.