I guess i should probobly warn you guys in advance...i'm in a really sour mood today but i just really needed to vent so you don't have to read this...i don't know why i'm posting but i'm just sooo frustrated and want to get it out....i hate today i hate myself more than ever before...i've always known how much of a loser i am but i try to hold it in, today i'm just full of soo much rage and anger towards myself :mad: ...i've been yelling at myself all morning..calling myself a stupid, fat *** b****....excuse the language but i just really dispise myself...i hate how fat i feel...i feel so disgusting in my own skin..like i shouldn't even be breathing cause of how worthless and pathetic i am i got very close to cutting myself (i haven't done that in over a year) i'm really trying not to so i'm focusing on working out instead...i just want the weight gone...i want to be better, why am i never good enough, why can't i just be a decent person like other people, why am i soo defective, it's like i'm not a whole person, i'm more like half a person and even that half person i don't like. On top of that my older sis. advised me that my dad should be coming home by my nephews b-day (he usually works out of town and so far he's been gone about 4 months or so) my nephews b-day is sept.19th which means my dad will prob. be home in another week or two...i'm not happy about this cause i feel like i really want to get this darn fat off me before he gets bk but today i feel fatter than ever...i hate this, i'm such a failure, my dad has always made it known how much of a worthless failure i am...well this time i wanted to succeed w/ the weight loss and do something right and maybe in his eyes he will finally see success yet its not working out well...i'm fatter than ever and more disgusting than ever...and when he comes home he'll see that same pathetic failure that he's always seen in me...i just want to scream..i'm soo frustrated w/ myself. I'm trying to stay away from the mirror today because i know how toxic it is but i just keep feeling this drive to punish myself and point out how much of a loser i am (you know look in the mirror and point out how disgusting i am and say to myself "see you're disgusting look at you, you're ugly fat and gross")...my mind keeps going back to those thoughts...i just want to get away and escape from myself
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aw fallen i'm so sorry you're feeling like this. i know what it is like to look in the mirror and hate how you look. it is the worst feeling and i think i should cover up my mirror for a while. It's like, I think I suddenly got larger since the last time a looked in the mirror. A whole 5 minutes ago. AHH! Why are we the ones "blessed" with eating disorders, it is the worst. Hope this helps a little,

Chelsea