Hi everyone
I was wondering if anyone goes through this. I have these cycles of freaking out about my eating disorder. I go from one week completely freaking out that I'm not eating enough, I need to eat more, I'm not hungry, oh my god I can't handle it! To another week where the anxiety is low, I'm not really hungry but I don't really care, I eat some stuff, I know it's not enough but I just don't care.
It's like one week of panic and another week of avoidance. I don't understand. I'm most comfortable when I'm not hungry. But if I get on the scale and I'm under 128 I freak, cuz I know my therapist will kill me. But now I also know I'm probably either 128 or under and I don't care. Whereas, last week I was 126, freaked out and ate like crazy because I was terrified my therapist was going to throw me in a program.
It just doesn't make sense. My therapist says it's not that I can't do what I am supposed to in order to beat this, it's that I won't. And I have to agree with her. But I said to her last week, I want to "stop won'ting" :) She actually got it and told me to start telling my unconscious before I go to bed that I want it to give me a sign or a message and keep track of my dreams for a while. So I've started doing that. The dreams have been bizarre but interesting. Anyway, I'm digressing. My point I guess is that I want to stop but yet I don't. And I know I can but I'm not sure how to make it easier on myself to do it. And these cycles of denial and panic don't help.
Ok, well I'm rambling. That's it for now.

Fire

Yeah I totally go through cycles. Like today I'm freaking out because I have eaten about 1200 calories yesterday and the day before, I can't believe I ate that much! And today my sugar attacks are back which I only get when I'm below 118lbs so I must've lost some weight over the last couple of days when I haven't managed to get near any scales...and now it feels like I'm having a panic attack and i'm totally freaking out. But some days I just don't care, I will eat whatever and think stuff it, I don't care but then by the next day I'm wondering what the hell was i thinking? Don't be put off by these weird cycle things, i think everyone goes through good days and bad days and different thought cycles. Just try to stay rational where you can :)

x J*L x

firewater,
Like JL said, cycles are normal. The good thing about having days when you don't seem driven by your ED is that it shows that there is a part of you still fighting to keep it at bay.

Sometimes how we are feeling on a given day will allow us some freedom from the ED monster. As you know EDs are about so much more than food, so just as your emotions can cycle, so will your ED and how it plays out in your life.

Please take care of yourself.