Sorry to moan, I just don't know where else to put it.

I have been restricting, fasting and then bingeing, changing between all of them from day to day and it makes my stomach hurt so much when I binge after restricting because I'm not used to eating that much. Some days I want to stop everything and be normal, some days I want to just stop eating altogether. Its confusing me a bit.

I went back to school yesterday and that was weird, we've all been split up and put in new forms (10 year 10s - my year- and 10 year 11s in each form) and I am still too scared to go in on my own because of the year 11s as stupid as it sounds. Yesterday was alright, we only had 2 lessons because the rest was all different services and form time etc but today I met a couple of new teachers and one was ok but the second, my english teacher, went straight in with how much coursework we have and we were starting it straight away and if how we dont listen for one lesson we're gunna muck up our GCSEs and then set us coursework for homework that he didn't even explain! I haven't been sleeping and so I feel totally drained and I have been on the verge of tears all night because I'm so worried about it. This year I really wanted to keep up to make up for last year but he made me feel like no matter how hard I try its not going to be good enough. Me and a friend are going to speak to him about it tomorrow but I am just getting so worked up about it. He kept going on about this is the start of our life etc. It was too much pressure for the second day back when I'm still finding it hard to settle in.

Everyone friend wise is going off in different groups from their forms and I don't realy get along with anyone in our form. I just feel like everyone else has control apart from me and that I'm gunna be left, failing at work and very lonely.

I feel way out of my depth and its triggering me more than I thought. Today I just binged after school because I felt so low about the day in general. I had a regular McDonalds McChicken sandwich and chips then 2 bags (one milk chocolate and one white chocolate) of thorntons chocolate buttons and 2/3 of a bag of mint chocolates. I went shopping after school and blew all my money my dad had given me for lunch on purpose so I wouldn't be tempted to top up my card and eat at school.

The thing is, I can't do anything about the coursework, I can't put it off but its too hard, I can't make my friends keep hanging out with me if they don't want to and I can't seem to make myself sleep or eat like a normal person either.

Sorry
Emily x

Emily,
You have a lot going on for a teenager, but you already know that. I don't mean to repeat things you have already heard, but you have to have some help. You do need to talk with someone who can help you through this rough patch of your life.

On another note, try not to let your english teacher overwhelm you. You take his class like all your others, one day at a time. The work load may be tough, but i have read many of your posts here and you are and intelligent young woman. I think he is just trying to set the tone of his class as one with high expectations, and you CAN reach them. So just focus on his class one day, one assignment at a time.

Now the friend thing, it is hard to be split from your friends, but I am going to guess that as things settle down with the routine of school, you will find time to see your old friends and even make new ones. It is okay to feel scared and alone right now, the start of a new school year always used to do that to me.

So try and not be so hard on yourself. Allow yourself to be scared/lonely for a while and the feelings will pass, but if you keep harping on yourself little one, you will make yourself feel worse.

You are going to be okay.

Hang in there.

~Dance

Emsie - you are amazing. I hate that you can't see you the way I see you!
You do need help of some sort, even just a step in that direction would be great. I know that might sound hypocritical, but I am at least waiting for a call back from my counsellor so I am not completely ignoring that things have gone wrong.

Now with regards to your english teacher - well I think you will have no worries. For someone of your intelligence GCSE English will be easy. No offence to anyone who struggled with it - but clearly Em you will be fine. I am sure you are just worried because he is trying to instil in you all a sense of importance with regards to the next 2 years of your education

You are also a lovely person inside. You will make new friends over the coming days and weeks. And your true friends will stick with you. Give everyone time to settle in and you will see. I know how it feels. I can remember how stress filled my life seemed at this point of my education - but hey if I made it through then you definitely can.

Hugs always from H xoxoxo

Hey Emily

You remind me of myself a couple of years ago. I was told at the end of year ten that I had to 'completely recover' over the summer holidays or they wouldn't let me back. I found it very difficult settling back in, particularly as I had to convince my teachers that I was better. Which of course I wasn't. There is a lot of pressure put on GCSE students these days and you need to remember that the teachers want to scare everyone into working hard so that the teachers can be credited with good grades! But I can certainly remember feeling worn down by the pressure from everyone to succeed and get A*s across the board. It isn't a nice feeling, especially when you have other things to worry about.

Over the next few years you will realise who your real friends are. The ones who stick by you are worth hanging on to - the ones who don't really aren't. I don't know if you have to change schools for sixth form if you are wanting to go to sixth form, but I did and the change of environment helped me so much. I made new friends and was able to start with a clean sheet rather than with a load of people who already had made (often wrong) assumptions about me.

You are clearly a bright individual - please don't worry unnecessarily about your exams. There are more important things in life, like your health. Make recovery, or battling against your ED your priority as exams can be retaken and new friends can be made but you never get another chance at living your life.

Take care

xxx J*L xxx

Emily, I know the kind of teacher you mean about saying how you'll faill if you dont take every lesson seriously. Beleive me when i say that they are just trying to get you to all knuckle down and this is you teachers (scary) way of doing it.

GCSE is the time when most people feel the preasure from parents and teachers. Once a few weeks of year 10 have gone by and you settle into a pattern, you should become less stressed and realise that its not as bad as you first thought. If you still find you're having trouble coping talk to a teacher you get on with and tell them you're not coping to well. They should be able to help you and put your mind at ease. You could also ask if you can be moved back into a form with your friends. If its causing you distress most school s will be happy to help.

Is there an adult you can talk to about your ed? You shouldn't have to go through this alone. You should really try to seek help. If not, there should be some numbers you can ring for an annonymous chat (something like the samaritans)

The bast advice i can give you about the coursework is not to put any subject off. Make a start on it as soon as you can so its still fresh in your head and do it in little bits. Whatever you do, don't be scared of it and leave it to the last minute or you'll get really stressed and it'll aggrevate your ed.

I hope this has helped and good luck :)

Heya I was gunna reply to everything this morning but didnt really have time!

I was guna reply to people individually but I'd probably end up repeating myself!

Firstly, about the getting help thing, I know I should but I feel like I can't :( I can't stand the thought of someone else having the control and telling me what and what not to do.

The friends part I think I've stopped freaking out about. I think what you said Dance is right, once everyone settles in we'll find time and today wasn't too bad, a big group of us went round together like we used to.

With the English, me and a friend went and spoke to him after the lesson today about it and he explained it all to us and it was only today I was told that it doesn't really matter if I muck this bit of coursework up because we do 5 and only the 2 best pieces are counted. Not that it means I won't try it just means I'm not panicking as much!

And J*L I'm not sure about 6th form, I'll probably stay at the same school because it gets quite good results and its free lol

and you all saying I'm intelligent is sweet lol though I'm not totally sure my friends would agree with you guys on that one! ;)

But yeah, I just wanted to say thank you and let you all know I'm doing better today after talking to my english teacher about the work. Well I'm off to do some homework lol!

Hope you are all doing ok
Emily xoxox