Hi everyone

I really apologise for being so absent lately. I have been reading all of your posts, but I just haven't been able to pull together replies, or tell you anything about me.

I have been very very up and down. I can't even remember when I last posted, but I saw my psychologist again last tuesday. It was fine, but I must have said something bad, because she said at the end that what I had said had made her think that I was more depressed and potentially suicidal than she had realised before etc etc. And that she was going to call me today to check I was ok etc, but I missed her call. Seeing her again on friday.

Hmmm, what else. Had a particularly bad time last week and the week before. Just feeling really terrible and not wanting to live. Last week my mum was back at work, so I spent the days restricting or purging, and just ate a meal in the evening. Thursday night I was lying in bed trying to sleep and all I could think about was ending everything. Friday I didn't eat anything apart from an ice cream and some choc or something in the day which I purged. Purged about 7 times in a few hours. So it wasn't going too well, but then I had an email from my senior tutor at college saying I could go back there for another year. I had asked her about that, because I really feel like I need the security of somewhere I know with people I trust etc at the moment, but she said the course I wanted was looking pretty full, but then they managed to get me onto it, so I went in today. I am doing Sociology A level in a year, and also re-doing my Lit AS, to hopefully get it up to A/B. It was good to be back there today; even though most of my friends have left it still feels safe and nice. The sociology teacher I have for A2 is really lovely, and everyone who has had her that I know says she is a fantastic teacher, so that's good. And I am really happy about English because I have been put in Anns class for the 3rd year running and she is so fab! So college stuff is going well. I also have a day off as it stands right now, which is nice, although the Music HoD is trying to persuade me to take Music AS, but considering I don't play an instrument, and really don't read that well, particularly in bass clef, I think it is way beyond me. He made me go to his class today on triads :confused: I followed ok, but I think it is just going to get too complicated. I will have to placate him with singing in the choir I think. It was so embarassing though, I turned up to this class because he seemed so enthusiastic, but was late because I had my driving theory test in town at 1, and he was teaching with his wife (also a music teacher), and I went in, and Adam announced to the class (of about 30) 'This is Emily' and Dinah said 'Oh Emily, are you joining us? Emily sings like an angel!' Which was a) incredibly embarassing, and b) a total lie, as I do not sing like an angel in the least - I know that my strength in singing is presenting the songs via acting, not a choirboy type voice!

Passed my theory by the way, despite the nasty stupid made up hazard perception, so have booked my proper test for towards the end of November, that was the earliest I could get it unfortunately. Had ballet tonight, the first one back. I am the only person left in that class as the others have gone off to college/uni. The problem was that at the end of last term, one of my dance teachers, who was really lovely, left, and I ended up telling her about my ED. So she then felt obliged to tell the principal, who I had today, so she then talked to me about it for ages. She was very sweet about it, and really supportive and positive, but I think I have just got past the positive stage now. It was nice of her, but I am not sure I wanted to talk about it really.

Anyway, I have now made up for my lack of posts in recent weeks, so will be off now! I should be on tomorrow, because I have tuesdays off college.

Take care everyone, and please let me know how you are all doing. H, you are rather quiet, you ok?

Loads of love
Milly xxxxxxxx

Hi Milly
I was reading your post and thought it was cool that you were able to look at the positive by the end. I mean, your feelings of depression, sadness, hopelessness, etc are not to go unnoticed or not validated. I just thought it was great you were able to get those out and then look at the good things going on for you in life. It sounds like school is a good focus for you. School was a great focus for me when I was in college. I too felt safe when I was there and was not quite so overwhelmed and depressed. At least not on the outside (I notice that now).
So are you into music or are your teachers just making you feel that way? I am into music. I used to play the piano and sing. I was in the choir too. I'm not Pavaratti or anything but it was fun and really a good release for me.
Well, I don't know you but I'm glad you are back. Sorry you're feeling so crappy though. I can relate to that feeling. Of course it's different for everyone but at least it's easier when we can find others to sort of relate to. Talk to you soon.
Lauren

Hey Milly,
I dont know where to start...wait..i do...:) I'm so SO unbelievably proud of you for doing the right thing in getting yourself involved again and surrounding yourself with friends etc....it was a very smart move!!!! I didn't realise how depressed you were, im so sorry I havent known about this before. Your psychologist sounds very accurate, but i suppose that's her job. Do you know what has made your depression even worse??
I took Sociology......and i complained and complained about the work load and how I didnt like it...but it the end I think it was rather interesting! I just don't like working:D But Im glad things are going well for you in college though.
Does your family know about how you're feeling at the moment etc?

By the way....the Hazard Perception Test is the most ****** up thing I have EVER had to take! My theory ran out after having lived over here in Brussels for 2 years so I had to retake it and never knew things had changed...i had NO IDEA what the hell I was clicking for...was confusing and badly organized- lol..dont get me started on that!:D I told the man that the instructions werent clear and he nearly bit my head off- grumpy old man!

ANYWAYS, im moving off the point (i dunno what my point was to be honest)....im just generally wanting to let u know that Im thinking of you and I desperately wish I could do something in person for you, but all I can do is respond and give u as much support as I can......we're all here for youxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx no matter what mood or how you're feelingXXXXXX

Caroline

Thank you both so much for your replies, they were very sweet.

I don't think we have spoken before Lauren, it was really nice of you to reply. I have had singing lessons for years now, so I am into music, but I am not really too up on the technical side - I don't read particularly well etc. I do love music, I want to perform professionally, ideally musical theatre, but I don't really think I could cope with the AS music, I know it is very hard. I think I would particularly struggle with the composition element due to not playing an instrument. Never mind. So where are you from? Tell me about you :)

Caroline, thank you so much for your post. I don't deserve you to be proud of me, really. I don't really know why I have been feeling so bad. I just have. I hope I like sociology, because it is going to be a lot of lessons a week of something I don't like otherwise! Hazard perception is crap, it is just luck whether you pass it or not I think! How have you been doing lately?

Lots of love
Milly xxxxx

Um, to be honest...im hangin there..trying to enjoy the time i have left with my best mate;...just trying to be happy and live for the moment sort of thing...im just a bit tired aswell, so that doesnt help depression....and tomorrow is like a sh** day because it's like the anniversary of my friend's death who died last year. I mean, part of me is very very very happy...the other part is just depressed..but I love life and my friends and family so I guess that's what matters:);


Sorry this is a short and crappy reply....think Im going for a little snooze:)xxxxxx

This wont be very long or interesting I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and hope you start to feel a bit better soon. You have done something to be proud of, you've got yourself up and doing stuff again which will hopefully help a bit.

Sorry its not long, I'll write a longer reply when I'm not so tired! lol

MILLIE!

Honey I am so glad you found the strength to come and share with us again. I have been worrying a lot for you. And it seems I was quite right to be worried. Even your therapist saw that! But I am glad that she is starting to see how you are really suffering inside because I think you put on your brave face even to her. At least if she knows then she can try to help you more.

Can you do me a favour Mills? Can you sit and think whether you really mean it when you say you don't want to live? Or do you actually mean you are finding the feelings just too unbearable? There is a difference between not wanting to live like this and not wanting to live at all. (yes I know I have said this to others but I think its relevant) You see I too suffer this feeling often. Almost everyday for a long time now. But whilst in inpatient I realised that what I am longing for is not actually death, but to be free of the pain I feel inside? If you are feeling this unstable please remember that there are numbers you can call when you are feeling that bad. Don't let this beat you!

I am pleased that you are going back to college. Sociology should be quite interesting - and at least you have Ann there for you! I did my Psychology A level fastrack (in a year) and it is a more intense way to learn a subject - but keeps you motivated.

Mills, you don't have to do Music AS. Its your life. Tell him you want to use your day off to do stuff outside of college and broaden your horizons or something? Don't be pressured into it unless you want it. And maybe your interpretation of your singing is not the same as someone hearing you. My choir teacher at school always wanted me to do duets and solo work, but I still think to this day that I can't sing very well at all!

CONGRATS on the theory test!!! And Good Luck in advance for your practical. Hey the practical is the best bit - its the bit you actually spend your time learning lol!

And me? Yeah I am 'quiet' cos I dunno what to say. So I will keep smiling at the world and hope it starts smiling back sometime soon, lol!

Love and hugs from H xoxoxo

Hey Milly,
About me...well I'm originally from Rhode Island but I live in Connecticut now. When I was living in RI I was with my parents and going to high school and all that stuff. That's when I did a majority of my musical stuff. I played the piano for like 6-7yrs and I used to compete in the All State Music Festivals from 7th grade up until 12th. It was a blast. And I was in chorus and a special chorus called "the clef singers" and we went to different states in the US and performed. I was also in the drama club. I wished we had done some musical theater I would have loved to do that! So you aren't so good at the technical? That's ok, god there are lots of people that go really far even if reading music isn't there forte (no pun intended :) ). I hear ya about composition. I'm not to good at that part of it myself. But I bet if you practiced you could get a better handle on reading and the technical end of things. Unless that's now what you want. I think it's so great that you want to perform professionally. My parents wouldn't support that because "you won't make enough money". So I never pursued it. I did choir in college and things like that but never went too far.
Thanks for asking about me though. I think it's great to know a little about each other aside from the ED part. Because we have to remember there is WAY MORE to us than just the ED monster!
Take care
Lauren

Hey everyone

Thank you all for your replies. I am feeling a little better this week than I did last week.

H, you really don't need to worry about me. I am ok, just a bit low. I don't honestly know which feelings I feel. I just don't like being here feeling like this. I think I will like sociology, although at the moment our module is Health and today we were doing Mental Health which was a bit weird, I felt a bit uneasy. After the lesson I decided I needed to say something to the teacher, incase I get upset or something one lesson, so I spoke to her and just said I thought I should warn her I have an ED and depression so might be a bit sensitive about some things. She was really sweet about it, and asked if the lesson had been ok and to tell her if anything upset me etc. She is very nice though, and a very good teacher by all accounts. She doesn't mind when we go off on one talking about random things etc, in fact, it is often her that starts it! Doing some LSA work tomorrow, covering for a girl who is away.

Lauren, thanks for your post, it is nice to get to know a bit more about people. So how are you getting on with your ED? Are you getting help? I hope that everything is ok.

Caroline, sorry to hear things are a bit hard for you at the moment. I am sure you will get through this though. How are things with your ED?

Thanks for your support Emily, it means a lot :) But I still want you to get help :p

Take care everyone
Loads of love
Milly xxxxx

I had an idea, but I will try to talk to you when we are next online together.
Now hows that for a strange post! Lol!
H xoxo

Hi everyone

I really apologise for being so absent lately. I have been reading all of your posts, but I just haven't been able to pull together replies, or tell you anything about me.

I have been very very up and down. I can't even remember when I last posted, but I saw my psychologist again last tuesday. It was fine, but I must have said something bad, because she said at the end that what I had said had made her think that I was more depressed and potentially suicidal than she had realised before etc etc. And that she was going to call me today to check I was ok etc, but I missed her call. Seeing her again on friday.

Hmmm, what else. Had a particularly bad time last week and the week before. Just feeling really terrible and not wanting to live. Last week my mum was back at work, so I spent the days restricting or purging, and just ate a meal in the evening. Thursday night I was lying in bed trying to sleep and all I could think about was ending everything. Friday I didn't eat anything apart from an ice cream and some choc or something in the day which I purged. Purged about 7 times in a few hours. So it wasn't going too well, but then I had an email from my senior tutor at college saying I could go back there for another year. I had asked her about that, because I really feel like I need the security of somewhere I know with people I trust etc at the moment, but she said the course I wanted was looking pretty full, but then they managed to get me onto it, so I went in today. I am doing Sociology A level in a year, and also re-doing my Lit AS, to hopefully get it up to A/B. It was good to be back there today; even though most of my friends have left it still feels safe and nice. The sociology teacher I have for A2 is really lovely, and everyone who has had her that I know says she is a fantastic teacher, so that's good. And I am really happy about English because I have been put in Anns class for the 3rd year running and she is so fab! So college stuff is going well. I also have a day off as it stands right now, which is nice, although the Music HoD is trying to persuade me to take Music AS, but considering I don't play an instrument, and really don't read that well, particularly in bass clef, I think it is way beyond me. He made me go to his class today on triads :confused: I followed ok, but I think it is just going to get too complicated. I will have to placate him with singing in the choir I think. It was so embarassing though, I turned up to this class because he seemed so enthusiastic, but was late because I had my driving theory test in town at 1, and he was teaching with his wife (also a music teacher), and I went in, and Adam announced to the class (of about 30) 'This is Emily' and Dinah said 'Oh Emily, are you joining us? Emily sings like an angel!' Which was a) incredibly embarassing, and b) a total lie, as I do not sing like an angel in the least - I know that my strength in singing is presenting the songs via acting, not a choirboy type voice!

Passed my theory by the way, despite the nasty stupid made up hazard perception, so have booked my proper test for towards the end of November, that was the earliest I could get it unfortunately. Had ballet tonight, the first one back. I am the only person left in that class as the others have gone off to college/uni. The problem was that at the end of last term, one of my dance teachers, who was really lovely, left, and I ended up telling her about my ED. So she then felt obliged to tell the principal, who I had today, so she then talked to me about it for ages. She was very sweet about it, and really supportive and positive, but I think I have just got past the positive stage now. It was nice of her, but I am not sure I wanted to talk about it really.

Anyway, I have now made up for my lack of posts in recent weeks, so will be off now! I should be on tomorrow, because I have tuesdays off college.

Take care everyone, and please let me know how you are all doing. H, you are rather quiet, you ok?

Loads of love
Milly xxxxxxxx


Hiya Mills!!

Awww, I'm soooooo sorry I missed your thread. I'm often rather neglectful of perusing the new threads because...well...I have been so busy these past few months.

I am happy to see, however, that you are a somewhat better since you first posted here. I've not meant to neglect you and didn't know that things have been so horrible for you, as you haven't said much on Aur's thread. Now tell me again, Mills, because I'm embarrassingly forgetful, but are you currently on anti-depressants? I ask because I have read that some actually cause people to be WORSE when taking them! Many months ago I was on Wellbutrin, and all I did was cry while taking them. I was MORE miserable and depressed than ever!! Consequently, I was given something else, and, oh MY, what a difference!! So, if you are taking something currently, it could be the meds causing this roller coaster of feelings, so I think it's something to discuss with your therapist. There are soooo many brands out there. I do recall you said you prefer to take nothing at all, and I have felt the same exact way. But when we are so down, taking something to end this misery may be the only way to go. I'm worried about you, Mills!!!

Take care!!!
Hugs!!!!!!!!!!
Char :wave:

Hiya Mills,
Did the other Em let ya know what happened ;)
No need to apologise btw for not posting often. Just post as and when you can.
We still love you!
H xoxo

Hmmm, that was a very strange post H! Are you deliberately leaving me in suspense here, or are you using the time until we are next online together to actually think of an idea?! :p How are you doing? Could you please get some more help, even if it isn't IP? Just something a bit more regular?

Thank you for your post Char - you don't need to apologise, we all have busy patches when we can't get online as much as we would like. I am on ADs, yes. I don't know why I would have suddenly felt much worse if it was anything to do with them though, I have been on this dose for ages.

College is going well. Did some LSA work today, I am covering for a friend of mine who is off, but will say more about that later. Just had to note take for a girl in English Lit, so that was fine. All of my classes were ok as well. Got appointment with Linda tomorrow 9 till 10, and am meant to be at college for half 10 so I will be a bit late for that class, and then I am in for the rest of the day, got another period of LSA to do and my own classes, and choir at lunch - so busy day. The friend that I mentioned earlier, Naomi, is another yr14 (there are a quite a few people doing a 3rd year) and I only got to know her last term but she's really nice and she is in one of my sociology classes. Anyway, she had to go into Addenbrookes hospital yesterday for an ED. I feel really bad, because I didn't know about it, although I had suspicians. She is very small, but I had kind of presumed she was that type of person, although I was slightly concerned. Anyway, I gave her a call tonight and we had a chat, and I am going to see her tomorrow after college. I sent her a text earlier in the day, saying I hoped she was ok, and if she ever wanted to talk I was here, and that I have an ED myself so I might be able to understand, and she said it was really good to have someone to talk to who knew where she was coming from, so that's nice. I am just a bit concerned that I might be a bit triggered by all the really thin girls in there. Obviously I will go, because she is a friend so I want to see her, and I have told her I would, but I am just a bit worried about it all and how I will cope.

Anyway, hope everyone is ok
Loads of love
Milly xxxxx