Hi everbody
I just don't understand. I hate being like this. I know we all pretty much do. I just wish I could stop. Just one day wake up and be able to eat normally without freaking out or seeing how long I can go without eating. The mind works in really weird ways. Last weekend I ate a pint of ice cream in two days along with regular food during the day. And I didn't freak out too bad. But now I haven't been eating much at all. I've got strep throat and I've eaten barely anything since like Friday. Today I had a can of chicken soup, 2 slices of american cheese, a couple tsps of FF cottage cheese with pineapple and a protein drink. So that's not that much, but then I caved and ate an entire pint of Hagen Daz chocolate chip ice cream! And now I'm freaking. I mean I'm even under the "safe weight". I just don't understand. I know it's not about the food. But why does it fluxuate like this so much? I mean I know that deep down in the back of my head I want to still be losing weight, even though I shouldn't. Why is that? It's just going to hurt me. And I KNOW this! But I keep on doing it! It's like a long, hard, scary game. I stepped on the scale this morning, I weigh myself every Monday and Thursday. And I was disappointed that I was 128lbs even though that's below my "safe weight" of 130. I wanted to know why I wasn't losing weight when I've been so sick and not eating! Oh god this is SO frustrating!
On another note. I was at the store yesterday and they had calendars for the 2005 year at a discount price. I was looking through them cause I need one for my new office at work. I saw a calendar of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen (who I remember when they were babies on Full House!) and it kind of made me mad. I mean, it's like promoting anorexia. Let's just show a year's worth of pictures of poor Mary Kate while she's dealing with this horrible disease! I just looked at it and thought it was sickening. I mean they make a huge deal out of it on TV that she was getting treatment. Which was a good and a bad thing for those of us with ED's I think. I mean it brought the reality of them back into the lime light but it also made Mary Kate and her family have to deal with so much negative publicity and all their secrets being spread all over the news. I guess that's part of being famous but still.
Well, I guess I'm just babbling now. I feel like crap mentally and physically so that's probably not helping either. Oh well, that's all for now. Thanks for listening.
Lauren (aka Fire)- I might as well use my real name, I'm gonna just be real from now on...

Fire,
It would be great if you could just wake up one day and be rid of the obsession with food and weight, but unfortunately it does not work like that. (Bummer, I know)

Now as far as "why does it have to be like this", it doesn't. You can heal from this illness, it just takes time, hard work and help.

I will not lie, it is not easy, but it is worth it.

Please take care of yourself precious one!

~Dance

Hey Lauren/Fire

I don't know what state you're at with your ED, but I know how you feel. I fluctuate from day to day with my feelings over food, at the moment I'm on 400 or less cals a day but then sometimes (normally when I'm happy and relaxed) I go crazy and eat a meal in the evening. And then feel really awful about it. Do you have a therapist or anything? You know that EDs aren't just about food so maybe the next step for you would be to see a therapist and talk through any issues you think may be triggering your ED. I feel bad offering advice when I can't take it myself, but I guess all of us are at different stages and if you feel ready to talk to someone about your anorexia I think that's the best thing to do.

You also need to try to be rational about your diet and how much you're eating. Even when you binge it's not as much as you should be eating! I know in your head it seems like far too much food, but your body needs so much more than that. You will be missing out on so many essential vitamins and other nutrients that your body needs to keep going.

Sorry if this isn't much help.

x J*L x

Hi ladies
Dance thanks for the support. You are always so poetic with your posts. I have to say I find it calming. A lot of what you said is stuff my therapist has said. Can I ask where you are at with your recovery? It sounds like you're pretty "advanced" with it for lack of a better word.
JuicyLucy I am seeing a therapist. I've had one for a few years. She's really awesome and one of her specialties is ED's which is good. I really like her a lot and she is one of my motivators for not going to low. I know it's supposed to be me I'm doing this for. But I can at least say there is somebody. The thing is, you're right, I don't even eat enough when I "binge". In fact, I never thought of it as binging but I guess it kind of is. I don't know. I've never been the most rational person when it comes to myself. When it comes to others I'm VERY rational. I mean I'm a therapist myself for god sakes! I know we've gone over the whole feeling like a hypocrite and stuff like that so I'm not going into that. But sometimes I just wish I could take the advice I give. I do in some respects but thankfully I'm not dealing with anyone that has an ED at this point. But there will come a day and I have to be ready.
Well, anyway...today's a new day so let's see if we can't start somewhere else with eating. That and I see my therapist today. :)

Thanks!
Lauren

Hiya Lauren,

If there is one thing I have realised since I joined the boards, it is that we are ALL a bit hypocritical really. We all can give sound advice but often have a problem taking our own advice. Thats a human thing though. People do it all the time. So don't worry yourself over that, ok?

I am sorry that this is all getting on top of you lately. I wish I could make you feel better, but it's you who holds the key to your happiness. That key lies in getting, and continuing with, enough professional help. You can emerge the other side of your ed as a happier, healthier Lauren. It takes time and a lot of effort from you, but I believe that you can beat this demon. I truly believe that when someone has lived with something as destructive as an ed, then they gain such an amazing empathy for others. I am not saying it is good to have an ed, just that the people who have been touched by one seem to become the most caring people you could ever be blessed with meeting.

Lauren you are one of those amazing people and you deserve to live a life free from all this suffering. We are all here to help you as much as we can.

Hugs from H xoxo