hi,

i am writing today about a friendship that at the time he meant the world to me.. he was my everything. it has been 6 years since we have been friends, however it didn't really hit me until about 2 years ago, and since then i have been going through a grieving process. this best friend of mine is gay and i am straight and i was in love with him. it was a very unhealty relationship in the sence i was very much co-dependent and was ever afraid to say no to him for my fear of abandonment issues. well he loved to go clubbing and we did this for about 4 years straight.. and i drank and drank and half the time i didn't even want to go, but i did because i was afraid to say no to him.. to make a very long story short, i grew out of clubbing, i am older than he is by 3 years, and i just got burnt out on it. and our frienship just faded.. something i had always feared happening. later i had heard he got into some serious drugs and this devistated me... i have had all these dreams about him in the last 2 years where i am looking for him and trying ot find him and when i do he is usually looking really bad because of his addiction to drugs and i am trying to save him in these dreams, which paralells to how it was in real life, he had a drinking problem and i was trying to take away all his pain while ignoring the fact that i was getting a drinking problem. however i just couldn't do it anymore, i had to help myself. so.... i have been on vacation this last week and found a lof of old pics and letters from him and to him, and it just made me realize why the friendship didn't work or last for that matter.. but prior to that i had wrote this poem, which has always helped me to express myself.. here it is..

Gone In The Night

I look back and think of you
I'm stuck and I don't know what to do?
You are still in so many of my dreams,
Searching for you what does it mean?
I cry when I allow the pain
thinking of you, lost in the bitter rain
A Stranger to me you are now
once so close, a friendship faded.. how?
I want to save you once yet again,
I can't find you, I can't feel you, Do you know how much I loved you then?
Gone in the night, never to look back,
I fear you are cold. In your heart something lacks
It kills me inside to know you chose your path, I want to hug you and have u feel safe, make you laugh.
Will I ever heal this hurt, Can I ever let you truly go?
Praying for you, Missing you, how do I move forward? I don't know.
In Memory of Matthew
9-5-04


this is part of my grieving process. but as i said i feel that reading those letters and looking at all the pics was therputic in some sence... it still hurts but now i know all the reasons it didn't work as i was reminded and now i feel i will continue to go through this grieving process and be just fine..

thanks all for listening.... :wave:

I just want to quickly tell my story of losing my best friend, Cathi in Jan. 2002. She died an accidental death by smoke inhalation (fell into a deep sleep on her couch and left a lit cigarette which caught fire, etc.) The really horrible thing about this is I found out about her death on the 10 pm local newscast. Right before the news started, the anchorman said, "Fire in Dalrymple Apts. kills woman." I thought, "Ohmigod, that's where Cathi lives." I immediately tried to call her but the line was busy. Then the news starts and I heard them say her name, and I became almost paralyzed with shock and disbelief. Just a few years before her death, she had survived an awful house fire that killed her beloved dogs. Well, that's all--just wanted to "share" my pain with anyone who can relate. Thanks. wl :angel:

I lost my 35 yr old step sister to breast cancer in 97...she taught me so much in her few little days left on this earth. I think of her often, and I wear a pinky ring that reminds me of her laughter, tears and her own pain of knowing she was dying leaving 3 young children. Anyway when I really get to grieving and in my self pity mood...I look at the pinky ring and try to reflect on what her positive points were rather than miss her and allow grief to control me keeping myself depressed. Keep a tiny reminder with you of your friend that will make you smile or think of him in a more happier sense. It does seem to make you have some comfort within. I guess thats why I chose the ring... it never comes off. It's a simple silver band and is really not noticed by many except that i have it constantly on. If I am asked about it, I'll say its to remember my sister by who died of cancer, or those I've lost otherwise. Maybe doing something simular for yourself will help you. It did me. :angel:

wow, i am so sorry for both of your losses. i almost started crying. it is hard to loose someone you love or care about. my big fear is loosing my parents. it hasn't happened and they're not even sick thank god, but it is such a huge fear of mine. take care and if u ever need to talk i am here... :wave:

Dear Peggy: I have a photo of my friend that I have kept on my desk in a pretty frame for the past almost 3 yrs. since her death. In it she is smiling (photo taken a few weeks before she passed away.) This is the very same photo that sat a-top her casket. I don't see myself ever putting this photo away in a drawer. Remembering her is the very least I can do for my friend, Cathi. Cathi, I miss you and we will be 'hanging out' together again one of these days!!!!!!!!! (we were the 'Rowdy Girls!!!') THANKS. wl :angel:

I recently (3 weeks ago) lost my best friend of 12 years. She was murdered by her x-husband. They had been divorced for 2 years. He shot her three times at her job, cowardly, didn't even give her a chance.
Anyway I miss her more than words can say....it is like it isn't even real. I think about her, and her daughter constantly. Yes, they had a 9 year old daughter together. I think how could he bestow that burden on his child. He has no idea what he has done to her.
Oh by the way he shot himself twice, and he is still alive. He is in the hosptial, and from what they say he will make it. How lucky he is ( yeah right!)
It is so unfair, I just don't understand these things!
Why take someone so wonderful, and leave someone like him. He doesn't deserve to breath!
What I wouldn't give for one more minute with my beautiful friend!
I am 30 years old, and I have lost loved ones, my father, a young cousin, and my grandmother. I have NEVER been so broken-hearted - I don't see a recovery! We will share no more memories! I am having such a hard time with this.
Thanks for listening.....