Hi everyone
I dont know if I really fit here (if I actually have an eating disorder) but I know that something isnt quite right. I'm 21, 5'7" and weight 125 pounds, which is at the lowest point of a healthy weight. The problem is I dont feel like I'm healthy, instead I just feel fat. I exercise constantly but nothing seemed to get rid of my fat and instead I felt I was just getting bigger. So I decided to stop eating. It was going well for awhile and I wasnt sick or anything. But then I just started to go back to eating alot again. Then I stepped on the scale again and realized I was back up to 125 again and that I look horrible. It was one week starving, one week binging, and now I'm on a no food kick again..... well not quite. I'm eating about 600-800 calories a day, but wish I could get by without eating any. I'm trying to eat even less and usually I will go most of the day without eating, but then at night I will have a large meal. I dont know what I really want by posting here. I'm not looking for help exactly cuz i want to not eat and I want to be skinny. I guess I was just trying to see who else out there is like this

Welcome Snow White,

You will find a lot of support here.

You are thin, but a part of you knows that, it is the ED part of your mind that tells you otherwise. The part that has you hating what you see in the mirror, hating yourself for not being able to totally control your impulses. That is what has brought you to this board. The confusion.

You may or may not know that your desire to be thin really is not the whole situation. There is some underlying issue that has you believing that you are only good enough, pretty enough and worthy enough when you weight less. This is not true.

I know you say you are not yet ready for help, but your ED and behaviors will only get worse. The things you are going to have to do to your body to maintain a unnaturally low weight are going to have you damaging yourself physically, mentally and emotionally.

Please at least consider getting some help. This is no way to live. I wasted MANY years in the horrible cycle.

Take care of yourself,
~Dance

Hey

As Dance has said you'll find tons of support here and if you do feel able to get help its probably a good thing to do so as soon as possible (though I'm being a but hypocritical here) because it does get worse and you are more likely to start believeing that there's nothing wrong with what you're doing and its perfectly normal to just eat 600-800 calories a day when its not. While the logical part of you is still telling you that this is wrong its a good idea to go and see someone.

But either way, if you don't feel ready for help, poeple will still be here to support you!

Love Emily xoxox

Hey Snow White

Good to have you on the boards, not least of all because I understand how you feel. I'm the same way. I used to have an eating disorder then kinda managed to recover and now I'm rapidly regressing. I know how it feels to look in the mirror and hate what you see, thinking you're fat when everyone around you is saying you're thin. And I know how you feel when you say you don't want to get help because you want to be thin, you're not ready for help yet. What I'd say to you is that at this stage it won't do you any good looking into getting a therapist. You won't want to be there and you won't want to follow their advice. What I will say is that what you really don't is to get any worse than you are now. Talk to us here, a parent, a friend, anyone who you feel close to and want to share this with. This means that even if you don't feel ready to get professional help it will stop you from getting worse and will hopefully mean that sooner rather than later you will feel ready to talk to a therapist about this.

Like Dance said, there will be underlying issues as to why you are feeling like this about food. Finding your trigger for an ED is important in getting over it. For example, I know that I am relapsing because my long-term boyfriend is starting university in a months' time and I'll only get to see him at weekends. It can be something as simple as this or something far more complicated. Finding this trigger is the first step towards recovery and I think it would be a good idea for you to find it even if you don't feel ready to 'recover' as yet.

Please keep talking to us here. Even if it feels like you're rambling/complaining/talking rubbish (as I often do :) ) it's good to get it out of your system and this place helps more than you'd think, even if you're not ready to get better.

I hope this helps a bit and makes some kind of sense! Look forward to hearing from you soon.

x J*L x