My body is so sore. It can't get used to throwing up, so it takes another form. Either way, I want what I put in, out.
I felt so so guilty last night. We went to Chili's where i pigged out on fajitas. I was nauseous before during and after, but I just kept eating. Luckily, I ate some too-rich-for my-body fish dish earlier, and out came some of what was in. Why can't I just be a normal bulimic and binge and purge? What's it going to take for me to do this properly? I feel like such a failure-I can't even suceed at being sick, only sick in the head. Argghhhh!!!!

MistiGrace-
Hi sweetie. I am sorry that you are feeling the way you do. I know how you feel in that you do everything to get yourself to do the "normal" ED sequence of binging and purging, but things don't fall into place. In a way, I think that is how the actual ED takes control of us. We are sucked in and cannot find a way out. It takes control of us mentally and does what it pleases physically. My body is sore this morning because of all the exercise I've done...not feeding it with food after hours of exercise and repeating the process over and over. In my mind I think it'll get rid of the food I DO put in...but in all actuality I know my body is saying, "Stop, Sarah...rest!"

I know that we have mastered the process mentally in our heads...it's a given trait of an ED...however, we both know that it's something that needs to be fixed. I don't think it's good that we still try to succeed physically even if our bodies are telling us no. I guess I don't have any answers for your question of "what is it going to take me to do this properly" ..but maybe the question is for both of us is, "what is it going to take to get us out of the mental cycle that snoballs into defeat?"

Out of all of this, I hope that you are feeling better today...remember, each day is a new day...

still praying for you,
Novblis