I'm not sure what to say on here. I can't quite yet believe I've even signed up here, but I can't think of anywhere else to put down my thoughts. I don't know if I consider myself bulimic, but I do know that most of the things I actually eat end up being purged. I know this is bad for me - my throat feels it, my body feels it, and there's just a voice inside of me tells me I should stop. But I don't. Even at 3 in the morning I dont. It's sad how this has become such a big part of my life. Even going out to restaurants with my friends becomes a daunting task at times. There have been times when I've almost been able to stop. The first time I knew I had to stop was when my heart started hurting as I breathed. And again, I know this is bad for me, but I can't seem to stop. It really just depresses me because I can't see myself breaking out of this "habit." Does anybody understand? I "know" I'm not fat, but just because my weight is healthy doesn't mean I can't pick at all the flaws I see on me.
...I'm just not sure what I can do to get better anymore...

Hi and welcome to the boards! Signing up here is a good thing, there are loads of people here who can support you and help you to understand what you're going through. To be honest I don't know loads about bulimia and obviously I can't diagnose but from what you've written it certainly sounds as though you may well be. Talk to us here about what you're going through and we will do our best to help. It's also worth telling a friend/parent/teacher whoever you feel you can trust and who will be supportive because with eating disorders, it makes a huge difference having someone around you who knows what's going on and who can try to help.

You sound as though you want to be better, but are struggling to find a way to get there. Professional advice can really really help with this. If you find a therapist who you get on with then talking to them and having goals to work to will make a great difference to your recovery. It will also help you to find the underlying issue that is triggering your eating disorder (if that is what you have, like I said I can't diagnose!) and finding out your trigger can help you to fix things.

Good luck and hope to hear from you soon :)

x J*L x

Kittykat,
Welcome to the boards. You will find much support here. I am sorry you are struggleing so much with food and purging. It is not fun. I know that all to well.

I would like to encourage you and tell you that you can not get past this on your own, none of us can. An ED becomes much bigger than what we can handle. It is hard to take steps toward recovery, as change is scary and our behaviors with the eating/purging are at least predictable.

The purging right now gives you some sort of pay-off. I don't know if it is soothing anxieties, stuffing down feelings or more or less about control. That is something you and a therapist will need to work on together.

All this is scary, admitting to yourself that maybe this is more serious than you thought is very scary, but try to look at and think about getting better one step at a time. The first step was coming to this board looking for support. The next step could be telling someone close to you you need help and then together with them looking for that help. Just remember baby steps.

You already realize what you are doing to your body is not good, please do not let this cycle turn into some thing that steals years from your life (unfortunately I did)

You are worth getting better, you are precious.

We are here for you.

~Dance