I hate food, I hate eating, especially in front of people, I hate trying to make myself throw up. I hate that I'm exercising more but putting on more pounds nonetheless. Whatever I do, I cannot lose the weight. For a few days, I go on extreme binges. With my job, I'm literally running everywhere, sweating constantly; I think in my sick mind that maybe that will get some weight off. It doesn't. I hate thinking the way I do about all this. I sleep when I don't work so I don't have to think about food, let alone make time to eat what i obviously can't purge.
I'm nauseous all the time, i can't think straight, and I literally feel run down most of the time. Talking to someone won't help the situation, but I also don't know how long I can keep hiding this. A couple of people around me are starting to notice. I want them to, but yet I don't. Does that make sense? I want to get better, but then I don't. I have everything under wraps spiritually, mentally, and physically. Except this. Why can't I control this?

Hey Misti,

Why can't I control this?

Well, the answer to that is because you are not supposed to be able to do so. God wants all of you, not just part of you.

I have everything under wraps spiritually, mentally, and physically. Except this.

Unfortunately this statement is not truth. What is going on with you right now has you spiritually, mentally, and physically out of control.

I understand the wanting help, but not wanting it. The wanting people to notice, but the fear you will have to get better if they do notice.

All if this is built around confusion and God is the author of order, not confusion.

If you get a chance, do a Google search for Christian Eating Disorder. You can add the word recovery as well, there are some great sights that can give you insight as to why you feel like you are constantly out of control.

God loves you Misti, this is not the life He wants you to lead, He wants to free you from this mess. You are the apple of his eye.

Go to Him and tell Him the WHOLE truth, He can take it!

In Christ's Love ~ Dance