Hey guys

I'd really appreciate any advice on this, as some of you know I don't have a therapist and I don't know who to ask about this...

My ED is controlling my entire life at the moment. It's all I can think about all day, especially at work (where I am now). There are only 7 of us in the office and sometimes we go out for lunch which is so difficult because I just can't eat in front of these people. Usually everyone else has 3 courses and I just have a small main course, like a chicken salad or soup. But then I have to go and throw up because I feel so, so guilty for eating. People have started to notice that something is wrong, I try to make excuses like my sister phoned me and that's why I took so long but I'm sure they know I'm lying. It's affecting my work - I'm always freezing cold, I can't concentrate on anything, I forget to do things and my memory is really bad and all I can think about all day is how to avoid food, how I can lose weight because my body is so hideous...the thing is should I tell my line manager about this? Because I'm so worried of losing my job because of this and I don't know what to do. Has this happened to anyone else? Help!!

Thanks for listening, also Sumi, are you out there? Hope you are okay!

xxx J*L xxx

My advice is to just "try" and keep that meal down...I am guessing (since I am new to the board) that you are bulimic, but do u have anorexic tendencies as well?
A soup or salad is not going to make you gain weight...but I understand you fear...I don't know if u purge everything, or if u purge only some of your meals? But "try" to keep that meal down, because it will really help with your concentration & energy- while at work....then maybe, when you go home, take a fiber supplement (the powder kind, that u mix in with a liquid- water, pop, o.j.) The fiber will make you feel full, and help with appetite control - but that all depends on your ED, bulimics tend to hate the feeling of being full. Sorry I can't offer any good advice, I don't purge (only did maybe a few times in high school). So I can't help completely in that area.
Hope things get better :)

Hey JL,
When I began recovery I spoke with my Manager at work, because I did not want him to assume my work was slipping slightly because I was no longer focused or dedicated. The thing is, I did not speak with him until after I had a plan in place to begin to recover from this nightmare. Speaking with you manager can be a good idea, but when he/she asks you how you are handling this, what are you going to be able to tell him/her.

He/She will be concerned for you and if they do not believe you are getting the help you need, they may want to help you in that area, are you prepared for that? Are you prepared to try and recover, or do you want your manager to know so your behavior as it is can continue. That is a big question to ask yourself.

Oh, JL, please get some help, you can do it. One small step at a time leads you down the same path of recovery that leaps and bounds does! Small steps or large ones if you are consistent, you will end up on the other side of this.

Please take care of yourself.

~Dance

Hi and thanks for the reply :)

I had anorexia (with purging for a couple of years) for six years, I have been in recovery for 2 years but am having a major relapse at the moment. I eat about 400 cals a day, cereal for breakfast and some fruit and a low cal hot chocolate for lunch. I don't eat in the evening but sometimes I do and then feel really ashamed and guilty, then I will purge. I don't binge so I guess I'm not bulimic, maybe anorexic with purging. I hate food and I hate my body. I am also taking a fibre supplement as I am a coeliac (wheat intolerance) so I have Fibogel but, like you said, it makes me feel full which I hate and it also doesn't help! I feel bloated and constipated all the time which they say are symptoms of anorexia.

Anyway...I'm hardly doing any work at the moment because I'm either on this board or thinking about my weight and what to do about it, calculating my BMI, anything except work because I just really can't concentrate. I just don't know whether to say anything to my boss about it. I need this job.

Thanks for your advice :)

x J*L x

Thanks Dance you are a star as always :angel:

That question is the most important...I only want them to know so that I can carry on doing what I'm doing and they will help me to concentrate on my work, maybe help me break down my workload into smaller tasks so I don't have to think about one thing for longer than about ten minutes. I don't want to get better. I want to lose weight. But then a small part of me does want to get better. But not enough of me.

Your support means the world to me. You help me to see that one day I will be ready to recover and that I can do it, even if that day isn't today.

Thanks hun

x J*L x

JL,
I will continue to support you till your day comes. And it will come! One day you will be free of this! Hang in there one day at a time.

~Dance

Well I had a big talk with my boyfriend on Friday night, he wants to help me so much and he doesn't understand 'why I just can't eat'. It's difficult to explain it to him. He also can't see that I'm doing so much damage to myself, long and short term, things that might jeopardise our chance to have kids, and yet I can't stop it. He knows that I love him more than anything, but I don't know if I can give ana up for him. I love her and I need her. I tried so hard over the weekend, I ate three meals on both days, probably about 900 calories each day which is loads for me, but now it's monday and I'm back at work and I can't bring myself to eat...I want to for his sake but for me, I just want to keep on starving, just to get back to a weight where I feel like I'm worth something. I know he'll love me whatever but for the rest of the world...I need to be thin. I can't do it any other way.

xxx J*L xxx

We are so alike! I know EXACTLY What you mean, but the problem for me is that I will eat just as my coworkers do - the three courses and come back to the office to throw up. I have made it too convenient to do it anywhere and that is my problem. You have to make it inconvenient. You have to save a major project that has a deadline - so that when you get back to work, YOU have to get that project out. That's what I try to do. But I find that I still take the time to b/p and get the project out - but I can tell that my blood pressure is rushing since after purging your body goes through so much. I find that focusing is so hard after purging. I am dizzy and feel just lousy because I've lost the battle again.

I am somewhat glad you posted this, because you let me know that I am not alone in this. I'm so sorry you are going through it - and I know exactly how you feel. I wish for you to have strength. That's what it takes to get out of this cycle - major strength and self control. Good luck. You will be in my thoughts.

Thanks for your reply kittylover, you sound like such a wonderful person, I am sorry that you have to go through bulimia. You deserve so much more than that.

I am not a bulimic as such, I never binge but sometimes after eating a small/medium amount I will purge as I feel so disgusted with myself. I am scared of what this may do to my body, I suffer the consequences of my anorexia every day, I don't want to start getting into purging again as I am scared of what could happen to my body.

I would love it if I could make purging inconvenient. I wanted to purge so badly last night but my sister was in the room, wanting me to straighten her hair :) so I stayed with her until she left and then my mum came home straight away and sat with me so I had no time to purge. But at work I can't make it inconvenient. It is my priority above my work, to lose weight, to be beautiful, to be worth more than everyone else because I am thinner than they are.

Do you have difficulty concentrating at work? My anorexia is all I can think of. Most of the time I feel a bit lightheaded and dizzy, like I am not all there, and then sometimes I get sugar attacks where I shake like crazy and sometimes black out. I don't know what will make me want to eat, want to get better. If I can't do it for my boyfriend I don't think I can do it for anyone or anything, that's why I'm trying so hard, for his sake.

Thank you so much for your words and thoughts, I'm here to support you if you need it. You are not alone in this - share your thoughts, we are here to help!

Take care

xxx J*L xxx

Hi again,

I know what it's like, wanting to purge so badly but someone is in your room and you can't. Just waiting for them to leave the room, or leave the house, so you can sneak away. After I purge it's really hard to concentrate - and I do get so dizzy and black out sometimes. That's exactly how I feel. But I try to get up and drink some water. My heart starts beating really fast too. I know it's so bad for my body, but I'm so torn.

I understand the work situation, i'm on disability from work right now but when i was at work i ran into problems. For lunch i only have an apple at most but even that i can't eat infront of people cause i feel too guilty so i always go out and sit in my car to eat it. That's easier also because then people at work don't see me at lunch so they don't know that i'm not eating much but the problems arise whenever they have pizza days or their little appreciation days where they hand out snacks or something and at halloween and christmas and stuff...i always make up excuses and laugh it off to try to get them to go away but they tend to pretty much beg me to take some and will keep on it...so i usually have to end up saying i don't like the food and that will make them stop except that it sounds sorta wierd to say i don't like pizza or chocolate..i mean how many people don't like pizza and chocolate? :rolleyes: so eventually they started to catch on and that makes me more uncomfortable. My supervisor one day told me that if i lost any more weight i'd disappear....i was thinking 'oh good cause that's what i want' but i didn't want her to know that so it was kinda embarrasing. Oh and one of my co-workers is crazy IN LOVE w/ baking for our group...shes always bringing in cakes and chocolate and snacks and stuff so that makes it soooo much harder on me having to say no all the time and making excuses...except now they've pretty much backed off and usually don't even ask me anymore cause they know i'll just say no. :p

Hi everyone :wave:

Yea, its hard at work. I feel like everyone is paying attention to my every move. And then that makes me irritated. People would talk so much about why I was on such a picky diet that they called me a food snob. So I actually came up with this lie ;) and I told everyone that it was none of their business but that I had a stomach ulcer so I couldn't eat certain foods.. like pizza. I would say the tomatoe sauce in the pizza causes my stomach acid to build. Hey.. it worked for me. They got off my back now. Sometimes I think the job makes you fat cause they're always ordering food, food and more food. :rolleyes: Extra food so that everyone gets enough, and that theres plenty leftover, which makes everyone overeat and they all do nothing but sit around and get fatter. Well that won't be me!! I hate food. These people act like they can't live without it either. That drives me to stay away from it even more. Let them get fat!!

Hi all

Kittylover - I understand how you feel. I am trying my best not to purge at the moment and in order to do that I'm not eating at work. The 'urge to purge' is too strong :) So I'm having breakfast and I'll treat myself to a low cal hot chocolate during the afternoon coz the heating's broken and it's freezing!! You know I'm here if you need to chat, I will do my best to help you through this and support you.

Fallen - Eating in front of other people...how do they do it? Sit there and stuff their faces with people watching? I can't do it. The thought of it makes me sick, and now I'm having to organise the Christmas team event and everyone's going on about going out for a meal somewhere...why would I want to spend £60 on a meal I don't want and will just throw up anyway if they make me eat it? How will I get through 2 hours of sitting round a table covered with food, with people watching me? I won't be able to do it :( People in my team bring in food too, but luckily I'm wheat free which is a great excuse and cuts out pretty much everything they bring in. But yes I get the comments as well, how skinny I am, I don't know why they say it, it isn't true but I wish it was...I hope you are okay at the moment, are you hoping to go back to work soon? I hope you're still fighting :)

MissTres - I can understand your hatred of food. I hate the fact that I can't have a 'normal' attitude to it...but then I'm so glad that I'm the way I am because it means that I won't pig out the way they do, I have more self-control and determination than they do. I wish I never had to eat. Right now I'm battling over my breakfast...I know that I stop eating breakfast when things get really bad and although I'm still eating it at the moment (my one meal of the day unless I'm unlucky enough to have to eat something in the evening) there's a big part of me that just doesn't want it. How are things with you at the moment? Okay I hope.

I'm back at work now, thinking of how to make it through the day, thinking of how it's a four day week because I'm going to London Fashion Weekend on Friday (hurrah!) wondering why my memory is so bad that I can't remember what I did yesterday, at the weekend, or last week, wondering why I can't just choose my weight every morning when I wake up. I would love to be able to do that.

xxx J*L xxx

Hello :wave:

Well, I came to work today and we have some visitors.. so u know what that means.. FOOD. :mad: They have 5 dozens of donuts in our break room where everyone is stuffing there face and of course I'm the only one at my desk. Theres only about 30 ppl in this office. 5 dozens is 60 donuts!! See, they want everyone to get 2 I guess. Oh and they are already placing an order for lunch!! :eek: Sick. I'm so glad I dont eat. But whats bothering me today is that yesterday I had half a fiber bar for breakfast, a coffee for lunch, and then I had a small bowl of cereal for dinner. And I feel really guilty for it especially cause it bloated me. :( So today I'm really down and I feel disgusting cause I feel really bloated and huge. So far today I only had half a fiber bar. I can't see myself eating for the rest of the day!! Hope noone is having the kind of day I am!

It sounds like today is pretty bad for you. Please eat something small, maybe when you get home if you don't want to eat at work, just something to keep you going. You won't end up like the rest of the people in your office but you will feel like you can keep your body going. I've had a bowl of cereal and a wheat free biscuit today and yup, won't be having any more! But this is enough to get me through the day, I think you should have something else because half a fibre bar is not enough!

Why is it that I am bloated all the time? Do you get this as well? I am constantly bloated whether I eat lots or nothing. I don't get it but i wish it would go away :(

It sounds as though you are not even thinking of recovery at the moment...what's your story? How long have you been like this? Can you imagine life without it? I'd love to try to help you if I can or just be there to support you through your bad days.

Take care

x J*L x

Hey!! Im so sorry I havent replied to your post...have been so busy packing that i havent had time to f***;) XXXI really hope you're alright sweetie, I know you seem to be having a tough time with food on your mind all of the time...i really know the feeling! And, I have mates with big appetites, so if I have something really small..it's so noticeable!!x

Mis Tres - I know EXACTLY What you mean! It makes me sooooooo mad when these people have a gigantic food fest. It's like they celebrate EVERYTHING with food. They bother me about eating too. I wish I had your willpower to blow them off. Unfortunately, I eat the food, then bring it back up. It's like they don't even need a holiday to celebrate. Donuts, pastries, chips, brownies, AHHH - when will it end? This is starting to get ridiculous. Some of these women just eat like there is no tomorrow. Then, they think I am a snob if I don't join in the "feeding" because that is what it is. Drives me insane!

You don't have to eat to be social. I have a good personality and I'm nice, just because I don't want to consume high calorie/high fat foods with them, doesn't make me mean? Does it?

Well, it started about a year and a half ago, I started dieting and cutting calories. Well I noticed that the more calories I cut, the more I lost weight. So I took down to 600 calories a day, now its getting way less tho. This past Saturday I only ate 200 calories. Over the summer I was purging but that had to stop cause my family noticed. So now I just stick to my plan of not eatting, or eatting really, really little amounts of food. I really hate food. I was going to the doctor for my anemia and he started to notice how much I've lost weight and he put me on Effexor for depression and sent me to a psychologist. He also noticed my anemia got really bad. So I completely stopped going to him, afraid he'd pick up on what I was doing. I didn't take any of the medicine either. I went to the psychologist for depression but I wouldn't tell him what I was doing. Stop going to him too. I was overweight, but now I'm at a regular weight and I prolly won't stop till I'm underweight. I really couldn't see my life without this, because in my eyes I see it as being thin means being happy. I haven't seeked any help for this. And I won't cause I feel like its working for me. I had a coffee for lunch today. Anything more than that I'd feel too guilty for. If I have anything for dinner, it might be a cup of spinach and I'll prolly go home and exercise for 2 hours. Especially cause the ppl I work with right now are all smashing some fried chicken, that disgusts me so much, I for sure won't be eating tonight.

KittyLover29-

Thats not mean at all!! This is your life, not theirs!! If you wanna starve yourself, thats your business. They call me a food snob, but oh well. :) I can't risk gaining weight for them. I told you, its the job that makes ppl gain weight. Some days I say to myself.. I should try to get a job in a gym, or some place active. The ppl here at my job are a joke to look at. :eek: And they always try the new diet thats in.. but they try it for a week, then its back to foods. The whole company went on the Atkins when that came out, and they were always ordering meats and chicken wings from somewhere. And then a week later, they were all off the diet and back to eating crazy fattening foods!! They're really pathetic I tell ya. I'm very stubborn thats where all the will power and determination comes from. But try, not to give in to them. it doesn't make u a mean person at all. Or tell them that the food is too high in fat for u, that u r watching your weight. ;)

Hello all, I'm new to this so bare with me please! :) How do I start a new thread ? I am 26 years old, I've had an eating disorder for probably a year now. I was already very petite to begin with, I'm only 5'0" and small boned anyway. I was up to 100 lbs and hated it! I'm now down to 80. It really does control my life, all I think about it how can I avoid having a big meal at night with my husband, and try to avoid eating lunch with coworkers. They all say, "Oh you can eat whatever you want" But if I did, I would be overweight! does this make any sense??

MissTres-

EXACTLY! I am so stubborn too. I just laughed about what you said about your office. I know exactly! HA! The atkins diet is such a joke. I mean you eat all of this HIGH CALORIE AND TOTAL FAT meat - red meat, steak, YUCK! And expect to lose weight? They eat butter and cheese on EVERYTHING. What a joke! I've seen that diet work on some men, and when you start bringing carbs back into your meals, you get way bigger than you were.

I can't stand that. They all say "oh we are dieting" and then break it the next week. Whatever! You're right - we don't have to follow them and eat ourselves to death. Just because they are, doesn't mean I will. Most of them have already given up on their appearance anyway.

There are 2 people in my office who have about 6 cappuccinos each a day. They have semi skimmed milk in an attempt to be healthy but they have well over a pint of milk each a day. And then they bring in biscuits and cakes and sweets from holiday and 'ooh, let's go out for lunch today'...makes me sick. I'm glad I'm not here tomorrow (at lfw) because it's someone's birthday so of course everyone's going out for a meal and they'll all just eat all day. So at least I won't be here for that!

I'm finding snack-a-jacks a lifesaver at the moment, 140cals per bag and 1.2g fat. And they keep you going for hours!!

Things have been better the last day or so, I have had a bit more to eat and I've tried eating a bit of wheat as well. And I actually feel better for it! So maybe all is not lost :)

The Atkins diet sucks. All you need to do is look at the guy who invented it...that's enough to put anyone off!

xxx J*L xxx