Hi everyone....
I thought I would type an intro & history post, so u all can know better about me ....
Okay, well to start things off, I have had food/weight issues my whole life...I guess my first trigger was at age 11, when my mom told me I was "chubby", I had asked her if I was fat- and that was her reasponse, and she looked at me as though she was lying (like I was bigger than she was letting). Looking back at pictures, I was normal...not even chubby...but at the time, I didn't know any better, I trusted her opinion & heck, it had to be true, why else would my brother call me "fatso" (now I realize he did it because he knew it was the only thing that aggrivated me).
Then, at 14, high school came around...me & a friend became obsessed with working out & counting calories...we then started taking pictures of our stomachs with a disposable camera, so we could see if we were "fat"...because all the mirror showed us was fat...that didn't help, I still thought I was fat, and my friend felt the same of herself. She began purging & encouraged me to join her...I did it a few times, but I didn't like the way I felt when I did do it...so I resumed counting cals...and I also ran cross country 7-10th grades...but all I could see was fat...I was 5'1, 114 lbs, and most of it was muscle- but, I didn't see that, all I could see was a big tummy, huge thighs & calves, and big love handles :(
Then as the years progressed (ages 19-21) I guess I let myself go...I began drinking every day & becoming depressed...I guess u could say the depression was a result of the alcohol, and the alcohol was a result of unresolved issues....I had a very unhappy childhood.(my mom is bi-polar & and alcoholic, and my dad is never around much, he works all hours of the day to avoid my mother)...
As of January 2004, I have fallen into my old patterns...it always starts out as a "diet", and escalades from there....so, mid-january, I saw a picture of myself from new years- it was pretty scary, I saw a double chin...I was 5'1 and 160 pounds- but it hadn't hit me that I was fat, until that point... I was used to drinking a 2 liter of regualar cola a day & drinking beer several days a week, but as soon as I saw that picture- that all changed...I switched to diet pop, reserved drinking for once a week & watched my cals a little bit..In July I restricted to 500 cals. for 2 weeks, but then stopped because I completley binged on food & alcohol when I was at a wedding - and I doomed myself to be fat & unhappy forever.
I tryed to lose the weight the healthy way, going to the gym every morning for another 2weeks- but that only increased my weight & my unhappyness... I am back to restricting as of a week ago, and my weight has dropped to 132. I restrict anywhere from 300-700 a day now, and my tendencies are getting worse than before...Now, I weigh myself at least 4 times a day, even though, deep down, I know the scale won't change that quickly...I find myself wanting to restrict more and more as the days progress...when I look in the mirror, I see a 160 lb. person...I don't look or feel as though I lost any weight....just an overweight 22 yr. old...
I applaud all of u who have recoverd, and those in the process...but as for me - I don't want to...I'm not happy & I probley never will be...but I am slowly making progress, and each time a diget on the scale goes down, it motivates me even more to keep this up...a friend I haven't seen in 2 months saw me the other day and said "girl, u lost weight...I want to go on your diet". It was a compliment, but that made me realize that what I am doing is working...so I kept it under 400 cals. yesturday...now today I haven't eaten a thing, and I don't even know if I will...there's always something triggering me now...I know this is unhealthy...but I care not...it's working...


So, there u have it...my ED history & info about me...I know- boring!

I look forward to meeting all of u!!!! & thanks for listening :)

hi! have you ever seen a therapist? would you ever?

I see a psychiatrist for my adult ADD, maybe once every few months to see how the meds. are going...other than that, no...and I wouldn't either...it would only hinder my weight loss goals...I don't want people to be concerned about me...I just want to be thin...sounds so shallow, I know- but I'm not shallow at all...I just have this pre-concieved notion that thin=happiness...I know that I won't be happy when I reach my goal weight, because I'm not happy with the weight loss as of now...but I'm hopeing I will be happy when I get there. Once I drop all this excess weight, I'm going to try going to the gym again, and eat healthy (like 1,200 calories a day & workout 6 days a week)...then maybe, I can resume eating normally - hopefully the fear won't take over. My mindset is all messed up...this is just my "plan"...I hope it works...

:wave:
I definitly relate to you summerbreezer. I am the same way. Everyone is noticing the weight loss and complimenting me, but I see no difference and I'm not gonna stop doing what I'm doing. And I see it like you.. if I'm thinner I'll be happier. If its working, why should we stop? Its strange but the same thing happened to me, it all started when I was 19 years old, I had gained alof of weight and I was really depressed at that time. Then right before I turned 22, I started cutting calories. Now 23, I cut them down to under 600 a day. I'm working on it, and I don't think anyones gonna stop me. I have people at my job that ask me if I'm eating. I just look at them (cause they are way heavier anyway) and think that they are just jealous. Maybe its just me! I don't know, call it a mental illness but I don't see nothing wrong with trying to look and be thinner.

:)

wow, I'm glad I'm not alone in this...it makes me feel better. Yes, I can definatley relate...I have some "heavy" friends, and they all freak out when I am on a "diet", they just assume I am starving myself...which really isn't the case- after restricting for a while, small meals really fill me up now (even if it's a bowl of soup)...and then I just think- they are just jealouse because they could could never have this kind of dedication, and have never even tried to lose weight...It sounds so bad, but that's how I feel - it's possible that they are not jealouse, but even still, there is no reason for them to be "concerned"- or at least act like it....at my current stats, I am far from underweight, I'm actually overweight for my height...and it's not like I dropped 28 pounds all of a sudden, it's been a slow process since January....hmmm, I dunno, I just wish ppl would "mind their own weight". It may not be the healthiest choice, but it works for me & I am happy that something is finally being done about this weight issue...I think I will be happy once I am "thin"...ever since my weight gain I have stopped doing things I love to do - I used to go to the beach & tan & swim...but I haven't done that in 2 summers :( because I hate the way I look in a swim suit. I don't go shopping anymore cuz I hate haveing to buy things in larger sizes...I think "thin-ness" will bring back the confidence I used to have, and then I can enjoy the things I used to do :)
Thanks for the reply!:)

Hi - I am new here too.

Have you ever thought about meds? I have panic/anxiety disorder - when I got panic attacks, I felt like life wasn't worth living. Lexapro saved my life. About the eating disorder (Bulimia) I am on trileptal. It's worth investigating.

Happy thoughts to you....

No, I don't want any meds....the thing is, I don't want to be "cured"...I like losing weight...it keeps my depression at bay - I get really excited when I can fit into my "old" jeans....because my depression only became apparent when I gained all that weight- it was a result of it (also, alcohol is a depressant, which made things worse). I feel much better about myself now, and as of 2 weeks ago- I completly cut alcohol out - I'm only going to save it for special occassions (holidays)....my depression has almost completly dissolved now...it's just a matter of gaining back my self confidence. I don't want a med to give me a "false sense" of self confidence - if that makes any sense? I want to look back 6 months from now and be proud @ what I've accomplished...even if it is unhealthy....I feel better about myself now, than I did 7 months ago....sorry, I am rambling.......

my story is kind of like yours. i used to weigh 185 pounds, it could have been more but i stopped weighing after a while. i also saw a double chin in a picture with my friend and decided i needed to do something about it. i kind of sort of started my diet in march of this year. it was a real diet then and not an ed. well i guess i could say my eating disorder slowly developed over the summer and since then i've lost around 60 pounds. I weigh 124.5 now and i'm 5'5. i think the thinner i get the happier i will be. i want to weigh 105 but i know that's not enough for my height. i always think that once i weigh what i want, i could lie about how much i weigh so people will think i'm not anorexic. i still need to lose about 15 pounds though for sure. i always go from anorexia, to low carb diets. it's dumb because i'm a yo yo dieter. one extreme to another.. ahh.. well i will talk to ya'll later. i just want you to know that you're not the only one feeling like you're not thin enough.