I've been posting on Pamela12's posts about meds . There are two threads and I am trying to get the discussion down to one thread cuz I am getting mixed up and am afraid I'll miss something. Plus , they're getting L O N G :)

These discussions revolve around "life without meds" and "back ON meds" to make it short.

I am in the process of withdrawing from Celexa and am going to attempt to live my life without meds. I felt that it was the MED preventing me from getting better . Been on a variety of A.D.'s since the latter 80's and it just seems I'm making the drug companies richer whilst not really getting any better.
On the other two threads , there are those who MUST live on meds - they are called "lifers" . So , lets bounce back and forth between these two situations...
I am almost Celexa -free . It has taken me over a week to gradually wean myself off of 20mgs . I have had anxiety and headaches during this process but thats about it . Perhaps it is determination that I am GONNA be NORMAL , dangit , and that I WILL beat this illness I hate so much.

Of course , I may find down the road ,like some others have, that I will need to return to meds and become a "lifer" myself. I agree with GUSTAV that it is a self esteem problem . And that people who do not have depression tend to "look down" on those of us that do. The "get over it" type of attitude irritates the daylights out of me. I was even given a sweatshirt once that had "GET OVER IT" on it. Needless to say, that shirt was given away.

I guess it remains to be seen whether or not I can live my life without meds. I desperately want to have confidence . I want to be accepted etc.
And if no one posts to this, I will feel rejected. Isn't that pitiful? Not really but thought I'd throw that in. I DO think this way sometimes.

Bottom line for me right this minute. Since I have been Celexa free ( almost), for about oh, a week plus a couple of days, I feel like I have SOME confidence to deal with this illness. I have been out and about rather than sleeping all the time ( meds made me very very tired all the time) and I feel a little more in control of my mind. Does this make sense ?
Its like , I WILL deal with this depression on my own because I have tried meds for 15 years and I am getting nowhere with them. So , its just gotta be me, right? I am sorta fuzzy headed about the thoughts. sigh...

GUSTAV, Pamela12 , Concerned39 et al who have posted on Pamela's threads, can ya'll post here now so we won't bounce between Pamela's two threads? I just got real confused trying to read one and then the other. Thanks....I want to keep the discussion re: meds or no meds going and tried to get it started with this new thread. Thanks again :)
LAS - please please lets talk about this some more. I want to continue meds vs med free on this thread...

I felt that since I have had no relief in 15 years that it must be the meds preventing me from feeling better. With some of the meds, I would give in and sleep more ( Lexapro) as well as just allowing myself to be a "victim" of this illness without trying to help myself. I also gained some weight on Lexapro. If I let that continue, the weight gain would add to the depression.
So, I returned to the Celexa and didn't really feel much better.

Whether or not I'll succeed being med -free has yet to be determined. I do know that I am sick and tired of being on medication after so many years of it. With little results. I feel I need to shake myself and say hey, you CAN do this. That if I do succeed , it will give me more motivation /confidence to do more for myself. And that if I have to return to meds, well, at least I tried to help myself live without them.
I don't know, I don't consider myself weak having to depend on meds but I found myself sorta "giving in " and just living this way without feeling better.


ps ... I got one reply to the original post so now, I don't feel rejected ! yipeeee ;)

i can totally relate.. no we are not weak at all.., in fact i think anyone who deals with depression is very strong. it is extremely hard to get up and go to work and function sometimes, but i have to do what i have to do. i have been on meds for 6 yrs. i am slowly taking myself off of prozac, and for 3 nights i haven't taken my trazadone. (probably not the smartest thing, but i want to try for another night and see what happens) i wish you all the best, i like you want to live life medication free.. i will feel so much better and also like you, my depression stems from low self-esteem, yes it is definately genetic as well.
hang in there... i plan on doing the same... :angel: :wave:

:wave:
Donna,
Something in your post really caught my eye. The part about feeling like your medicine has been keeping you from getting better. To make a long story short, I had several serious crises pop up all at once. I have been off and on meds for depression since I was 18. My depressive cycles on medicine usually only last long enough for me to conjure up new strategies to handle what I am going through. No problem. But this time has been much different. I was prescribed lexapro, and ended up on that ( with Trazadone and Wellbutrin added in for good measure) for two years! The wellbutrin was added in last, and I noticed a difference once I started that. Enough to start figuring out that the lexapro wasn't so great. I started weaning off all the meds (another LONG, AWFUL story in itself). I am in the process of weaning off the last one (Wellbutrin). Looking back over things, and seeing how I am feeling (normally) again, it is more apparent to me than ever that the lexapro was doing some strange things to me. I'd like to hear more about your experience. I've been posting with Pamela too. (hope we are talking about the same one).

LOVEMYWAY,
Medically, there is nothing wrong with coming off your Prozac and Trazadone at the same time (according to my doctor). But speaking from experience, be careful. My doctor weaned me off Trazadone and Lexapro at the same time. Getting off the lexapro has been fairly nasty, so it may not have anything to do with coming off the Trazadone. Also, the weaning process for Prozac is different. I guess I am just trying to say that if it gets too difficult, you may want to come off them one at a time. I ended up going back on just the lexapro (not the Trazadone) and weaning off from that after the Trazadone. :eek:

:wave: Hi Donna.I too was getting mixed up between keeping the two threads together and who had posted where.Good idea to bring it all together under one again.I totally feel for you as I too have lately been feeling that I want to try med free and see if I can do it myself as I am so sick of the tiredness and side effects.I know I will be battling depression for life but there are times when I too feel that I have just given in and let the label take over.We are strong for having battled this as long as we have and if we can use that same strength to go it alone then maybe it is something that should be given a chance.I did try that off and on a few times and ended up crashing badly.But that does not mean that you will find the same thing and all the power to you.It is a brave thing to see if you can battle it without meds but I do have one word of caution to you.If you find yourself rapidly going downhill please consult your doctor.Sometimes it happens that you become worse than you ever were after quitting meds.I am not saying this will happen and I pray it doesn't but please keep really good track of how your emotions go.I really do wish you well and hope that you succeed.Keep me posted and please let us know how you are doing.I totally support your effort and back you all the way, and I will be here to listen whenever you need someone to sound off to or report good things.Keep in touch Donna and all the best to you.Concerned39 :bouncing:

Donna.I have spent this afternoon in a fog and just not feeling right and kind of drugged and I am sure it is the effexor.I have taken it for 6 days and I am not going to take it anymore.I can't stand the side effects.But I am more now than ever giving it serious thought of quiting all medsand seeing exactly where I have gotten myself too.I need to find exactly where I am and where the meds are.Could you please keep posting to let me know how you are doing and were you are on the road of going med free? I may just be following in your shoes really quickly as I am fed up with the meds and side effects.Concerned39 PS. I guess I am having a bad day depression wise but I do know I can't take the side effects of this effexor.Sorry for sounding off and not waiting til I was in a better frame of mind.

Donna.I have spent this afternoon in a fog and just not feeling right and kind of drugged and I am sure it is the effexor.I have taken it for 6 days and I am not going to take it anymore.I can't stand the side effects.But I am more now than ever giving it serious thought of quiting all medsand seeing exactly where I have gotten myself too.I need to find exactly where I am and where the meds are.Could you please keep posting to let me know how you are doing and were you are on the road of going med free? I may just be following in your shoes really quickly as I am fed up with the meds and side effects.Concerned39 PS. I guess I am having a bad day depression wise but I do know I can't take the side effects of this effexor.Sorry for sounding off and not waiting til I was in a better frame of mind.

Oh me , oh my, by all means vent it out , Its why we're here :) We definitely need to connect about this illness so please post . ya know? Please just don't quit taking the effexor cold turkey though. I'm pretty sure you know that......Okay , now to the thoughts of my meds.....(sigh)

Lexapro made me feel weird. Unlike any other AD I had ever taken. I'd sit outside smoking away and staring into the back yard. No thoughts, no emotions , nada . Prozac was similar but Lex not only made me just sorta foggy , detached..... (It was sorta similar to meditation - but without focusing on anything.) but , after 3 or 4 cigs later , I'd come in the house ( dont' smoke inside thank goodness) and begin to eat.
I'd read the paper , eat for about an hour and then go to sleep. I did this the whole time I was on Lex ( 20mgs) which was about a month. It was like I could NOT get enough to eat. I was never satisfied . And then I would sleep for several hours . I called it idiot eating.
I was aware of the pattern I was getting into and when the scales showed a 10 pound weight gain in a month, I became concerned. I was REALLY getting detached and sleeping more and more. Went back to Celexa but have never really stopped the pattern. I DID lose the appetite though. Still ate and slept but not as much. Felt foggy , duh , yuck about everything.
Got sorta fed up and then , about 3 weeks ago , I started thinking that perhaps its the meds making me feel I couldn't do anything but sit , stare and smoke.
Now that I'm coming off of Celexa, I don't sit as long or smoke as many cigs at once. This pattern has been there for several years but with Lex, it got worse with the addition of the eating out of control
I think more about things now that I am coming off of Celexa . I don't just sit there as much. I admit I am mad at myself some and sorta kick my own rear end to get going. Its like, well , I can either accept this pattern OR make some type of effort to help myself. One note. I have definitely gotten rid of the increased appetite problem . Its back to where it was, say, in May and before Lexapro.
To be continued. I gotta go to work at 7..........more on work related issues and self esteem to follow.. Another pattern.. sigh..
I've kinda written this post to all of you kind souls who posted on this thread and just have generalized how its been lately. Will try to respond to each of you when I come back to the forum... try to have a nice monday... another day, another monday ,,, and on and on it goes.

:wave: Hope your Monday went well....as Mondays go.I talked to my psych doc today and we are discussing adding lithium again.I can't take the effexor and I sure don't want the problems from it.I was on lithium before so it is not new.But I am still wondering if I would be better off in quiting all and seeing just where I am.Is that what made you decide? And were you told you would be a lifer?I just want away from the meds for awhile and kind of wonder what all the meds have done to my body and mind.Do you think about those same things? How are you doing yourself and are you finding it easy to wean yourself off all meds? I really do wish you well and pray that it all works out to the best for you.I am waioting for the next installment on your post so I hope to hear from you soon.I look forward to reading your post and hope that I can be of some support whatever it may be.Keep posting. :)

Hi , concerned39 . Thanks for keeping in touch here...
I'm officially living without Celexa - or anything at all after being on the meds since the latter 80's. The main thing I am experiencing is increased anxiety and a headache occasionally . Other than that, I pretty much feel the same as when I was taking the meds. No real withdrawal effects.

For me, the meds seemed to cause me to stay in a state of inertia. I just "accepted " the fact I am depressed and that it would always be that way. I guess I could "explain" to others around me that I am depressed and that I was on medication.
But I was/am tired of going on , day after day like this . Sleeping , eating and staring ahead.... Like when WILL I feel better?? so then I decided it must be these meds keeping me from doing something about my situation.

I came on this board and I realize I am not alone in this mental struggle . That there are lots and lots of "me's" out here. I don't feel alone. I get annoyed with people who don't understand how serious depression really is . They cannot understand unless they have been there. I've lost friends over this as well as customers ( I am an artist) .
Here, I can relate to people like me and for some reason , I feel that perhaps I can fight the depression. I hope I don't need to be a lifer but I'll tell ya , I'll go back to meds if I can't function or if I become worse.
This week, I have said : "okay Donna, lets take action here". No afternoon naps, limited computer time, return phone calls....... its like I am determined to break the patterns that shape out my daily life. Do anything else but these patterns. Kimba, do you see a similar thought to yours here? Like perhaps I am developing a strategy myself? I need to develop some type of coping plan to deal with these ups and downs.
I still smoke unfortunately and I need to address that issue. This is a lifelong problem which I'm not sure how I'll deal with yet. I depend on these cigs to calm me whenever I am experiencing anxiety. sigh. More thoughts to follow... Kimba, I've had head zaps too. And tinnitis . Seems to be reduced this week .

Hey Donna,

Yep. I think the lexapro keeps you at this "robot" level where it is almost impossible NOT to follow a pattern from day to day. And then the pattern itself...doing the same thing day after day...certainly can't help the depres- sion. I think both of the realizations hit me at around the same time. I knew I had to get off this stuff. So I tried to avoid or limit some "anesthetic promoting" activities I seemed to be doing every day. The things you were talking about. Keeping busy instead of napping...wearing myself out so I would sleep better at night. Limiting my time on the computer was a biggie too. I had an email pal I used to email all the time until I found myself actually making excuses to be on the computer in order to wait for an answer. Not good for him or me. I tried some different coping strategies. A schedule, with places I have to go out of the house and be with other people, seems to help me a lot. Keeping busy. Hobbies (new things I haven't done while I have been depressed). Different things work for different people. But I think you are on the right track trying to break your pattern and set up different things. That in itself is a coping strategy. I know you didn't ask for advice on the next topic, so feel free to tell me to MYOB....but I don't think you should tackle the smoking just yet. Let your body handle one withdrawal at a time. I am glad yours hasn't been too bad thus far. I was only on this latest set of meds a couple of years, and the withdrawal has been pretty bad. I like reading your posts. I see myself in some of the things you write about the medicine. Hope you are doing well.

Thanks as always , Kimba for your thoughts.

Sometimes I wonder if its situational or chemical with me. In my many many years of being on just about every med out there ( no effexor - won't EVEN go there) I have never really felt better whilst being on the meds. And then these last couple of months made me want to try living without them.

I seem to be gaining energy since I've gone off the Celexa and have lost some of the weight I had gained during my month or so on Lexapro. Its becoming a determination thing with me rather than saying oh well, I'm depressed and I am on meds and I can just take a nap. Trouble is, I wake up from that nap.

I wonder if there is such a difference between situational and chemical...

Will continue to describe more - tis late and with my sleeping problems, I'll be up in a few hours anyway... sigh. Will also get into the smoking thing..
Kimba, describe some of your patterns .. I think we're somewhat alike here.. :)

I guess everyone experiences it differently. I know I am prone to depression. I know it runs in my family. I know I have battled it off and on for close to 18 years now. I would have to say that for me it is actually BOTH. What happens is that there are situations which seem to overrride my chemical balancing act. Major life crises, major life changes, several crises or changes at the same time...these situations will tend to "shift" my system--overwhelm it. If it has ever started occurring in other circumstances, I can usually spot it coming on, and I have learned some things to do to counteract it before it gets to the point where I need medication. Unfortunately, this last time there were just too many really bad things that happened all at once. Too much for the system to overcome. Usually I only need meds for a few months till I figure out new ways to handle things. New ways to look at them. And create new strategies for myself. Then right back off the meds. That was before I was prescribed lexapro. This has been a whole new ball game for me this time. It has also made me scared of ever going back on ANY depression med once I manage to get off this stuff. Even though this is the only med I ever had trouble with. So I guess like you, I am reexamining this whole depression thing and searching for other avenues. I'll try and send these things as they occur to me. I go through periods right now when things are fuzzy and it is difficult to make sense, or make myself understood by others.

Kimba, I hear what you're saying and its the same thing exactly with me. I'm just trying to learn to cope with situations without the meds. I pretty much spent the summer afternoons taking naps - probably due to the Lex I was on at the time.
Thing is , I wasn't awake to even try. I'd just say, well, I need to go on and lie down awhile and then, I would get up , sit around and then go back to bed. And it went on for WEEKS.
Then , I kept doing this when I went back to Celexa . I allowed myself to do the napping til I finally just had enough of it. One day, I came here to this board and started reading , got interested and now, I'd rather read here then do the napping. really! I'm glad I found something interesting that motivated me to stay awake.
Now, I tend to stay around here too much... and am sorta getting antsy cuz I need to do other things too. But I really get alot out of this board and it helps to write out thoughts. I intend to keep it up for my own "therapy"

It will be interesting to see what I do if /when a big event falls in my lap. I MUST learn to cope with a problem rather than ONLY popping the med . I will wonder if I am like you and if I will have to go back to meds to balance the chemicals if they get outta whack. I will fight it hard before I will go back to anti-depressants though - really ...

Make sure you see the new thread I started on situational vs chemical depression. There is some feedback on it . Right now, I don't have time to post to everyone who replied to the thread but I will over the weekend.