I don't know if I am in the right place, but how does ADD/ADHD affect
a marriage? My spouse, a sober alcoholic knows that he has this problem
also, but won't seek help.
His brother just received counseling, and we could tell a difference.
I think our problems have not been just alcohol, but this as well.
He seems to have no interest in self-improvement of any kind.
Then I have feelings that he's not doing anything to improve our
relationship when it could be better. : ( :confused:

Hi... I absolutly think that ADHD affects relationships. I was diagnosed last year but have remained untreated. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. I am a complete scatter brain. My house is a disaster, my car is a disaster, anything I come in contact with turns a mess. My BF is a neat freak and it is very stressful for us to be so different. I cannot keep my head focused long enough to complete one household task and everything turns a mess. I started about a million cleaning projects today and not one of them is finished! I just made a bigger mess moving stuff around. Tomarrow will be the same. I need to start treating my symptoms cause to be honest I'm driving my self crazy! Not to mention BF. Causes a ton of stress for us!!! So yeah it is hard, he doesn't understand why I can't do things logical and why I can't for the life of me keep our house organized and I don't understand why he won't cut me some more slack. But if the situation was reversed he would probably drive me crazy too. But I love him and he loves me so I want to help myself before I drive both of us crazy. And I just rambled...sorry. To answer your question yes it will definetly affect any relationship. Best of luck.
Jess

heh jess sounds like me, everything i touch is a mess, and my husband can't stand the "way i clean" in which i decide to "organize everything" i accually take something out and move to something else till the entire house is way worse then when i began. then i don't finish any of it. however since on my med. i have gotten better, it still can be hard tho, i have to pay attention. maybe you could explain to your significant other that treating adhd/add can accually make you feel much better baout yourself, i am in school right now and it sure helped me out, i feel more able to concentrate and have less problems with overwhelming myslef by starting a million different projects at once, and getting nothing done, hope things work out for you:) take care:) -Liz

WallSal,

I'm a 30 yr old man and just recently was diagnosed ADD. My wife had called me several months ago at work and started the converstaion with "I figured out what's wrong with you." Every man loves to hear a woman say that... ;) She'd run across a web site that listed common symptoms of adult ADD. Anyway, after some time of reflection I finally started researching things myself. I never had behavior problems at school as a kid and had always just considered myself a highly unorganized person who just for whatever reason lacked the discipline I needed to get things done the right way. I saw myself as quirky and creative. When I learned about what ADD was and lost the sterotype of a nine-year-old bouncing off the walls of a classroom, I quickly saw myself on those web pages. I read all these traits that spelled out my life. I then went to the doctor to get his analysis and referral to a psychiatrist for further testing.

It was a mixture of feelings when I became aware of my ADD condition. At first there was this relief and then a blending of insecurity from a "great there's something wrong with me" thought when you realize you now have a label. Men are reluctant to go to the doctor anyway. We're also reluctant to talk about relational problems, especially when we are the root of them.

I have no idea what would work with him to convince him he needs to address his ADD. Some web sites highlight what it's like to live with an ADD spouse and how having ADD can affect your family. Maybe you could find some info and print it for him to read. Someone suggested the book "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid Or Crazy?!: A Self-help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder" and it might be a good shot if he would actually read it. Or, buy the audio version. I don't have the book yet, but it's ordered. He isn't going to do anything until he sees how his ADD can have a negative effect on his life and his family. I've read several different sources that say adults with ADD have a higher likelihood of getting divorced. He needs to be aware of that. He needs to realize that he may be taking for granted your willingness to stand by his side through whatever in life. Of course, treating his ADD won't be a cure-all and there are possibly other areas of your relationship that need help/attention. Heck, make an appointment for him and organize the day far in advance so it's convenient for him to go.

My husband and I are also having the same problems that you posted: he can't understand why I don't just straighten up and get it together. He knows I have ADD, but he won't accept it, I think. To him, it is a personal insult when he comes home from work and the house is a mess. That puts so much pressure on me (which makes it IMPOSSIBLE to do better) and it makes me feel guilty and resentful.

We are seeing a marriage councillor, but I am having a hard time seeing any improvement. The things he needs to work on are internal: negativity, attitude toward me, passive aggressive tendencies. Last time we met with our councillor, she pointed out that I also have to work on some things: cooking more often, keeping the house clean, and being on time (a biggie!) I told her that I can't make any promises about being on time, cause it's not like I don't already TRY. She told me that I was insane for trying the same things over and over with no results, then gave me the old "if you would just try harder" routine.

Am I wrong or was this kind of insensitive for a THERAPIST to be telling me this. I mean, I told her I was off my ADD medication and I wasn't doing well. She totally glossed over it, and treated me like I was just being lazy and obstinate. We're going back tomorrow for another visit. I'm going to reiterate the fact that I have ADD, but I'm worried that she will treat me like I'm using that as an excuse. How should I handle this?

Amy

WallSal, Yes, ADD certainly does affect relationships. I used to drive my husband bonkers with the way I was (actually, still am). I've lived for years wondering what was wrong with me and it wasn't until several years ago that I was diagnosed with ADD. It's hard for me to keep a neat house. I have piles of stuff sitting around (I also think my mom has ADD because she REALLY has a cluttered house!), I have lots of projects on the go at the same time and it takes me a long time to get around to finishing them, I forget things, misplace things...the list goes on and on. After I was diagnosed, though, my husband became much more accepting of my ways and realized that I wasn't doing these things on purpose like to annoy him or anything like that. I'm sure he still wishes that I would be different, but at least now he knows the problem. I have tried different types of medication like Ritalin and Adderall, but if you ask me, it doesn't make a difference anyway. I hope your husband tries to learn more about the ADD and at least try to get help. From what I read, a lot of people benefit from medication, but I've had no luck. For instance, I was hoping that it would help me concentrate more so that I could actually sit down and read a book and pay attention to what I was reading without having a million thoughts interrupt my reading. No such luck! I really haven't seen a bit of difference in anything since trying medication. I hope your husband has better luck than what I have. If you've read about ADD and think that he has it, he probably does.