Hi all.I am an alcoholic & have been sober for 3 months.Well recently,my BF broke up w/ me b/c he wants to see some 'changes'.One of the problems he has w/ our relationship is the fact he cannot drink while he is around me.He is very aware of my drinking problem and knows how long I have been sober.He had said to me that his problem is he feels like he cant drink when around me,and that bothers him.He says that he is a "26 yr old grown man who should be able to have a drink once in a while & not have to worry about upsetting me,I have the problem,not him"...I have came to terms that I cannot change things,for I am the one w/ the problem,not him.I know that in early recovery one feels jealous & upset over not being able to drink,but what should someone do when in a situation like this?..Should I be mad that he feels like this? or am I the one who is wrong? Im confused :confused:

Lots of relationships split up when one side is in recovery. You have to be good to yourself right now. If he is going to be a jerk and play the "I can't drink around you" game, then you may have to stop seeing him. He will weaken your resolve...it's tough enough fighting your own cravings and obsessions, you don't need his pressure too. There are a lot of strong, sane sober men in the world who will respect you.

Do you go to AA meetings? They saved my life and my sanity. And you will find lots of women just like you going through the same thing you are. It's great stuff.

I totally agree with the above post. Your most important person to deal with right now is YOU. You are not responsible for what your boyfriend does. You are suffering from a disease, and he should realize that and try to be a little more supportive. If you were suffering from cancer, would it be right of him to dump you until he saw some "changes"? I do believe that substance abuse hurts everyone involved and not just the user, but you are doing the work of recovery and he's acting this way just when you need him the most. I would suggest telling him how you feel about this in case he does not realize what he has been doing.

Thank you for responding,Im in desperate need for advice and appericiate everyones opinoins.I understand that one has to look out for themselves first,but im not at that point yet.Im still trying to figure out if in fact he is wrong for making an issue out of not being able to drink while around me.I am BEYOND confused as what I should do,should I tell him to take a walk? Why cant I see that he is wrong?,if thats the case.I dont know whether or not to continue it,if im even given that 2nd chance.
No,I dont go to AA,however I am in extensive therapy and two early recovery groups.Im on the way to a better life,but this situation is depressing me even more than I already am!

I would just suggest explaining to your boyfriend exactly what you are going through and that it truly is a disease that you are suffering from. Explain to him the work that you are doing to help yourself and that it has nothing to do with whether he can take a drink or not. I think just about anyone would be receptive and supportive to that. If he cannot be there for you at the time you need him most, it might be time to find somebody who can. You don't need your heart ripped out at a time when you are trying to put your life back together.

I did shrinks, re-hab, white-knuckling it, but the only thing that gave me comfort and a deep understanding of my disease was AA. The best part was meeting so many others that shared my problem and discovering I wasn't crazy or a total loser.

My wife was done with me and wanted a divorce. I was cold and withdrawn and angry all the time, and I just wanted to be left alone. A couple of yrs later and my life is deeper and richer than I ever could have imagined and I'm still married.

Try http://www.anonpress.org/phone/. This is the AA Intergroup with a list of phone # and websites around the country. I beg you to find a meeting near you. Therapy and recovery groups aren't enough...take a look at all the people in your group who are probably going through for the 2nd or 3rd time.
Therapy is about discovery, but AA is about recovery. Good luck

I am going to look into AA.Im finally getting my life together & I dont need anyone to bring me down.I have to do for myself now...Thank you for the advice

He sounds a little selfish. Whilst we are when we are using, when we are committed to recovery of our disease then, we are doing the best we can, and need support.People should support you or leave you alone of they can't. My partner gave up drinking and cigarettes to help me, and he's stuck to for 12 weeks now- toxin free. I am so lucky to have him and feel selfish that I haven't yet been as successful. The point is, if he loves you enough then it shouldn't be too much of an issue for him, what is more important your health and your relationship or him being able to drink. I could be wrong in my view of course, this is only my thoughts from my experience with my wonderful man.

I think its a little unfair of me if I were to expect him to give everything up just b/c I have a problem.He is a grown man and should be able to do what he wants,just as long as it isnt in front of me!..I am not sure if we will work this out,I am praying that we do but who knows?

Oh Boy, all I can say from my own past, 15 years ago, I wanted to be clean & sober, 2 years into my marriage & the thought of me getting better was a threat to my husband, (now divorced !!). He would go as far as disabeling my car so I whatever I was doing to better my life, (school, work, friends & kin), I was stuck. But I think whenever one beters themselfs, there is a jelousy issue. He says he is looking for changes?, I dont understand that, you already have, I'm not an expert, but maybe is is afraid of those changes. you are ready to look at yourself, (addticion aside, I think everyone should do that once in there life), he just does not understand. Maybe he liked you better when you had no control, now that you do, it may be a threat to him in some way. I may of missed it, but how long has the relationship been?. Good luck to you & peace to all, :)

I recently found out that the cause of our breakup was mainly due to him and the emotional issues he has never dealt w/..He said is he confused right now and needs to deal w/ things from his childhood that were ignored all these yrs...He needs to straighten things out first,so all I can do is give him his time!...Painful,but I finally realize that I cant push him anymore.

Selfish of him! If my ex-boyfriend would have committed to stop drinking, the last thing I would have done is drink around him! I would have been there to support him in each phase of his recovery. Maybe your boyfriend liked you better when you were addicted and not in complete control? Anyhow, if he cannot support your efforts, he is not worth having around. Please go to AA meetings, it will really help you. I went to one (I'm not even an alcoholic) just to listen and try to understand this disease and what people are going through. Good luck! Remember, there are more fish in the sea !

i am a recovered alcoholic. i fear for you greatly right now.you have no mental defence against the 1st drink. the reason you are not going to aa is because you are trying to do it your way. your way was what got you where you are to begin with. at 3 mo. sober you have no biz. in a relationship to begin with, under any circumstances,for any reason, w/anybody.this is a time to work on you. PERIOD. you have a disease that has you by the *** and wants to kill you. and it will.I'd stake my life that youv'e never been to a hard line detox, or talked to a drunk under the bridge.....this is life and death honey..............get a sponsor, get to meetings, start working the 12 steps,
...................NOW!!!!!!!!.......... .
YOU HAVE A THINKING PROBLEM........DON'T TRUST YOU OWN DECISIONS
that is what a support group is for(of the same sex).......you can take my suggestions now, or continue on your present course to the bottom........sorry,the truth hurts sometimes
may god go w/you

Iam going through a similar situatian, except i have not told my boyfriend he can't drink around me.Just because we are addicts doesn't mean we can't go out to clubs where there is lots of alcohol. You just say no thats all, yes you get jealous but just think they are the ones who are going to feel shity the next day. But you should still leave your boyfriend if he really loved you he would do anything for you. My boyfriend is not being very supportive either so i am not talking to him and maybe i'll end it i don't know what iam going to do yet.

i am a recovered alcoholic. i fear for you greatly right now.you have no mental defence against the 1st drink. the reason you are not going to aa is because you are trying to do it your way. your way was what got you where you are to begin with. at 3 mo. sober you have no biz. in a relationship to begin with, under any circumstances,for any reason, w/anybody.this is a time to work on you. PERIOD. you have a disease that has you by the *** and wants to kill you. and it will.I'd stake my life that youv'e never been to a hard line detox, or talked to a drunk under the bridge.....this is life and death honey..............get a sponsor, get to meetings, start working the 12 steps,
...................NOW!!!!!!!!.......... .
YOU HAVE A THINKING PROBLEM........DON'T TRUST YOU OWN DECISIONS
that is what a support group is for(of the same sex).......you can take my suggestions now, or continue on your present course to the bottom........sorry,the truth hurts sometimes
may god go w/you

Wow,you make alot of sense and I agree w/ you.I have never been to detox as my drinking never got that bad.I agree that im trying to do it my way.About 2 weeks ago I slipped and drank 3 beers w/ a friend of mine.I hesitated for about a 1/2 hour or so before I took that first sip.I knew what I was doing was wrong and that I shouldnt be drinking but I gave into that 'party girl' mode.I wanted to let loose and forget about everything just for a night.I am currently in therapy & going to groups twice a week.Working on getting my GED also,under alot of stress right now and I am scared of going back to that bad place.Im aware that I need to work on things.

Dgem.I think I agree w/ you on how my EX liked me better when I was drinking and not in control.Things between us are beyond confusing right now so I dont know what to think anymore!..Im trying to be positive about things,but it is difficult.

i wish you lots of luck in the future. only you will know if hes worth it. me and my soon to be husband start detox for oxy and morphine, tomorrow we were lucky. just remember never give up in what you believe in.

Thank you..Its sometimes hard to see the good in things when everything has been negative.Im slowly starting to realize that I deserve the good in life and that I am worth it but I still find it difficult to break old habits.Its pretty hard to change your old way of thinking.

Iam just commenting on what huk954 had to say- don't the AA books also say stay in the relationship if your in one?!!

Im not sure about that one.But if anyone does know whether or not its true I would like to know.Sounds interesting.

I was just about to post on that very same subject....relationships. It is my understanding that it is advised not to start any 'new' relationships! If however you are already in a relationship, they advise you stay in it for awhile. Reason being, if you are so new in your sobriety, you still don't have the spirituality or enough time yet to make clear 'major' decisions for your self.

I don't know what the other poster meant for sure, but it sounded to me as if they were implying that every marriage that has an alcoholic in it suddenly gets divorced, or, every existing relationship should automatically be terminated. I wish they would clarify for all of us to be sure what they intended.

Gianna

Well,it makes sense that when in early recovery one needs time to themselves to sort everything out and to a grow as a person.As for me,I am no longer in the relationship & am starting to work on myself.I am having an extremly difficult time trying to be by myself,as Ive always had someone around.Im trying to get used to being alone w/ myself & it is not easy!

Anti,

If it were me....Id tell the 26 year old grown man who needs to drink around me to go play on a busy freeway. Paaaallleeeese! :eek: Why are you wasting your time? Alanon and AA for you! Getting sober is so cool. :cool:

There is a tried and proven way to get sober and stay that way. Alcoholism and Addiction is a 3 part disease..... Body Mind & Spirit
You cant treat one part only, and expect to stay sober. You might go on a long spree of staying dry (dry drunk) or white knuckling it- its worse than anything, CRAVING alcohol and drugs and just "obstaining" without doing the deal. Scary! :eek: Give AA a chance. I wish someone would of told me this... being in AA doesnt mean you are JUST going to meetings. Its designs to help you in everyway possible, in every aspect of your life INCLUDING THE RELATIONSHIP you are in right now. If you had a sponsor you could call her up right now and she could tell you what to do w/ that "man" who can't NOT have a drink when he's around you. Or if you were doing your STEPS you would know what your character defects are and then know if the relationship you are in is "not good for you" or unhealthy. You will instinctivly know what you believe in. You will make friends in the fellowships who are genuine. (theres guys that will try and hit on you too so be careful) If you are early in sobriety there are some guys who prey on people like that. Ive not been preyed on yet, just warned, lol!

The BIG BOOK does not tell you whether or not to stay in a current relationship. Bill W the auther of the big book does not know your boyfriend or anyone elses for that matter and would have no way of knowing whether you should stay in your current relationship. Start working the steps and I guarantee you will know the right answer to the question. Its so cool! ;)

And the most important thing about being in AA is helping other addicts and alcoholics. If it's sweeping the floors where you are having a meeting- that is a part of helping others, If you are a sponsor, that is a part of helping others. Thats how the 3 part disease gets taken care of. Body, mind, and spirit. Pretty cool stuff.

I just went to my first doctor today who specializes in addiction! I had to get rid of my old one b/c she is the one who loaded me up w/ pills for 3 years for my back, (unlimited supply I might add :D ) She actually wanted to detox me from home ! Riiiiiiiggggghhhhhht. I would have been popin those pills so fast as soon as I felt my head was on fire and going to explode. At least when I went to treatment, the docs put me on Suboxone for 10 days only, and tapered me off. Not only that, I have a sponsor, I go to my rehab Alumni meetings, I have a womens group I go to, I have a home group I go to, I go to a candlelight meeting once a week and Im working the steps and I still wonder what it would be like to get messed up "just one more time".

Life is no easy, but its easier and a lot more fun when you are connected and working the program.

Lots of love to you Anti, and I wish you the best! Please write anytime. :)

Love,
Sara

Thank you for your kindness Sarandipity.Your advice motivates me to get up and go to meetings.I guess the reasons why im not going is b/c I am already in 2 groups a week plus one on one therapy & also I guess im trying to 'do it my way'.I start GED classes next week so ill be very busy.
Another reason is b/c I have an illness and am on treatment right now that is wiping me out.Im advised to not overwhelm myself right now,as I am very fragile.Ive been thinking it over and still havent reached a decision.Although I can say that im leaning more towards YES.Im positive that I will start going to AA in the near future.

Anti, Im sorry to hear about your illness, take care of yourself! I want you to know that working the steps and staying in touch w/ God and people in AA is the answer to sobriety. I hardly ever 2nd guess my decisions when I used to 2nd, 3rd, and 4th my decisions before I did my 4th and 5th step. If I can give you anything that will be a present from my heart, it would be to tell you that working the steps, in order, will give you the courage and freedom you will need to live a happy life. I really wish someone would have told me that way back when. (of course I wouldnt have listened to them because I was smarter than them, lol! :jester: )

I wish you the best in everything, If you need anything please do not hesitate to write!

LOTS OF LOVE,

Sara

Thank you..Ive been trying to stay positive but its hard.I wish I will be as happy and positive as you are now.You seem to be in a good place & thats great.

Anti,
I wasent always upbeat and happy. I remember reading posts on this board from people who were sober and upbeat and happy, I could not relate to them at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In fact, I couldnt even read their posts!

I want you to know you can do it. Actually you cant but God can. If you ask God to take over and you admit you are powerless, then it's step one. If you truly believe you are helpless over the choice to use alcohol or any drugs it is the first step in freedom and happiness.

I know it's so hard to understand. Im sorry. Is their anything I can do???

Love and caring,

Sara

I see.I still have a long way until I reach that point and am content w/ myself,I am getting there though!..Never would I have imagined it being this hard.

Im confident that I will get there eventually.

It is a hard reality but sometimes it is best to be alone untill you get more comfortable with your new life and decide what you really want once you have undergone changes. I understand him feeling that way and I understand you too. Your recovery is #1 and if it means that you have to brake up then so be it. One door closes and another always opens. I am sober three years and it took me a long time to before I could be around certain things and was not as freaked out by knowledge of someone having something. I think it had something to do with me feeling more comfortable with me and what I knew I wanted and was doing.