life for rent
10-26-2004, 10:45 PM
Last September (2003) a relative of mine (not close, but was always a part of my life) aged 19 committed suicide...Never has someones death shocked me so deeply and to this day it upsets me, partly because of the circumstances and partly because of....well...I don't know really.
Then in February this year, my great-aunty died aged 83 after being ill for a long time...I remember going to see her body in the chapel of rest, and I remember it being the hardest thing Ive ever had to do.
Then just six weeks ago my grandfather died from lung cancer (which spread...) and I think Im still a bit in shock as he died only about 3 weeks after being diagnosed, and a day after being moved into a hospice.
I feel totally numb still, and what makes it harder is I've just moved out of home to come to Uni this year, and I dont know whether its the shock of moving and the newness of being here, but...I havent even been that upset...although occasionally I will remember the way my grandfather looked when he was dying, and I will get a strange tightness in my chest, but I'll push it away and not think about it...
It's been a tough year and I dont know if Ive coped that well but...*shrugs* I dont know what the point of this post is really, I just wanted to share and see if anyone else could relate/give me any advice on dealing with everything, or anything.
Then in February this year, my great-aunty died aged 83 after being ill for a long time...I remember going to see her body in the chapel of rest, and I remember it being the hardest thing Ive ever had to do.
Then just six weeks ago my grandfather died from lung cancer (which spread...) and I think Im still a bit in shock as he died only about 3 weeks after being diagnosed, and a day after being moved into a hospice.
I feel totally numb still, and what makes it harder is I've just moved out of home to come to Uni this year, and I dont know whether its the shock of moving and the newness of being here, but...I havent even been that upset...although occasionally I will remember the way my grandfather looked when he was dying, and I will get a strange tightness in my chest, but I'll push it away and not think about it...
It's been a tough year and I dont know if Ive coped that well but...*shrugs* I dont know what the point of this post is really, I just wanted to share and see if anyone else could relate/give me any advice on dealing with everything, or anything.
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genster
10-29-2004, 11:51 AM
Wow, LFR, you have had a rough time of it. (love the name, by the way) The only advice I can offer is to let yourself grieve in whatever way is natural to you. It may take a year for you to come out of the shock of these losses, it may take less time. Unless you feel your reaction is abnormal for you, or if it is something you feel is obstructing your ability to be fully involved in all of the other aspects of your life, then let it be. Don't be afraid to grieve in the way that is right for you. I have seen a lot of different reactions to death due to my work, and each person reacts differently. Plus, you have had a triple loss, especially with having to deal with the aftermath of suicide. A relative of mine who is a minister says suicide cheats the people who care - I guess out of a natural grief pattern. There are stages to grieving - shock, denial, anger, bargaining, etc., - and we each go through them in our own way, sometimes more than once, before we (hopefully) reach acceptance. Perhaps you might benefit from doing some reading on the subject of grief and loss? it helped me when I suffered loss in my family. good luck, and my sympathies are with you
life for rent
11-20-2004, 09:12 PM
Thank you for replying :) I haven't been having such a good time of it lately, which is why I've come back to these boards I guess. I have been doing a lot of reading about grief, and found a lot of helpful articles and poems and things which have helped me deal with a lot of my feelings. Lately I have been getting upset over my grandad's death again, particularly because it's getting close to Christmas, and he has always spent it with us. It breaks my heart to think he won't be here this year, and at the moment I am, I guess, feeling a bit fragile about it all. I've come to realise though that the pain comes and goes...sometimes in very, very strong waves...when all I can do is curl up and cry all the pain away until I'm suddenly okay again. I feel a bit...ashamed, almost, to talk about it with anyone though, as I do feel as though I should be over it by now...which I know is wrong, but still...it's hard to shake I suppose.
Thanks again for your reply and support. :)
Thanks again for your reply and support. :)
sweetangelbaby
11-21-2004, 10:38 AM
hey i know how u feel. my dad died when i was only a baby. my grandpa died one year and a year and a month later my granma died. one guy that has been like my bro died a few years after that then another guy just like him died of luekmia. then my mom died earlier this year. then a aunt(by marriage) died. then my own child died(miscarriage) then just the other day a guy that i looked to like my dad died at 41 and we don't know the cause of it. but let me tell you that i am praying for you and will always be here if you would like to talk to
life for rent
11-21-2004, 09:23 PM
hey i know how u feel. my dad died when i was only a baby. my grandpa died one year and a year and a month later my granma died. one guy that has been like my bro died a few years after that then another guy just like him died of luekmia. then my mom died earlier this year. then a aunt(by marriage) died. then my own child died(miscarriage) then just the other day a guy that i looked to like my dad died at 41 and we don't know the cause of it. but let me tell you that i am praying for you and will always be here if you would like to talk to
oh my goodness, i am so sorry :( that must be awful, and i really don't know what to say but just keep talking about your feelings...these boards are a great place to do that :) and thank you...:) i will be praying for you also. God bless you.
oh my goodness, i am so sorry :( that must be awful, and i really don't know what to say but just keep talking about your feelings...these boards are a great place to do that :) and thank you...:) i will be praying for you also. God bless you.
sweetangelbaby
11-24-2004, 10:12 AM
oh my goodness, i am so sorry :( that must be awful, and i really don't know what to say but just keep talking about your feelings...these boards are a great place to do that :) and thank you...:) i will be praying for you also. God bless you.
yeah it is a really rough time. :yawn: but u know God will take care of all of it. :angel: just remember that i am here for u and that if u need to talk i am here.
yeah it is a really rough time. :yawn: but u know God will take care of all of it. :angel: just remember that i am here for u and that if u need to talk i am here.
tkgoodspirit
01-17-2005, 12:43 AM
Hi LFR. I can certainly sympathize with you and understand. Let me share my story and then tell you how all this has made me feel.
In 1980 my son was born, a wonderful experience, however, one month after his death my Grandma at the age of only 58 died. She was the best, I loved her more than anything. As a strange and rebellious teenager, she seemed to accept me just as I was without question. It was hard, because I had been there with her the day the doc told her she only had six months to live.
Time passed and I grew up and then I had a few friends who passed. The hardest for me was in 2000 (I think) when my friend who was only 34 died of many complications from a car accident she had been in years before. She left behind many friends, and an adopted daughter. I still remember the day of her funeral (she had a pink casket!), we were standing around after the service at the grave sight, and all of a sudden a young colt started running across the yard of the stable that was next to the cemetary. I just knew that was my friends spirit letting us know she was around. I still go to her grave and sit.
Later in 2000 my uncle (mom's side) developed brain cancer and died in February 2001 at the age of 49. My family has always been small. I am an only child, and my family has basically been mostly from my mom's side since my dad and mom divorced when I was very young (2 years) and I never grew up knowing my dad's side of the family. It was always me, my mom, my aunt, my uncle and my grandma. I had a step dad when I was 4 until my mom divorced him when I was 13. HE died in 1985. I forgot to slip him in chronological order, sorry. He has been my greatest loss. I couldn't have been more loved by anyone ever, and I still feel his love to this day and I'm now 46.
After my uncle it was my mom's turn. In April of 2003 she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer that had basically spread throughtout her body, mostly her brain. I live in southern Alabama and she was in Iowa where I grew up, and I spent from May til September making 5 trips back and forth to Iowa to be with her. It seemed like everytime I got the call that told me she didn't have long, I would get there and she would get better. I stayed for a whole month one trip. The karma at this time was that I had just quit my job in February 2003 because I have Fibromyalgia, severe back injuries, as well as other medical conditions that prevent me from working. So, if I hadn't just quit my job, I would never had been able to spend as much time with her as I did. My relationship with my mother was not a good one, especially when I was younger. I always felt like I was in her way. We had a better relationship the last few years thank goodness. So it was hard on me to care for someone who never really seemed to care for me, but it's amazing what you can do for someone you love. I can remember while my step dad was in the VA, I spent 2 weeks at the hospital where he was, I stayed in the hospital guest house. I bathed him, washed his face, his feet, whatever I could, I spent 12 hours a day in ICU with him. We lived in Germany at the time (my 1st husb. was Army) so I had to make the trip across the pond to be with him. Then when I returned, only after being back a month I had to return for his funeral.
Anyway, back to mom. During the summer of 2003 while my mom was dying (she never suffered much thankfully and had pretty good concept of her surroundings) she was in an extended care facility. We had decided to bring her home when she got bad, but near the end she felt safer being in the facility. I'll never forget bringing some of her clothes to her one night so she could pick out what she wanted to wear at her wake. She had everything planned. The service the casket picked out everything. I was very lucky not to have to worry about any of that. The only thing she asked me to do was drive out to the monestary and get her an urn, which I had to carry home on the plane to Alabama! During all this, my aunt found out that she had non-hodgkins lymphoma. So here my mom was dying and her sister found out she has cancer at the same time. Talk about a whammie. Now, my relationship with my aunt is a lot like it was with my Grandma. I've always been closer to my aunt than anyone else in the family. Sooooo....after my mom passed in September 2003, my aunt couldn't attend the service since she was going thru chemo. My aunt is in remission I am so happy to say, so there is one member of my family that hasn't passed. Me and her, that's all that's left, not counting our kids.
I told you that my mom would seem to get better every time I came up. Well the last trip I made I told her that I was leaving and I couldn't come back. It was hard for both of us to say goodbye, and I rarely saw my mother cry while growing up, but her last words to me were "I never told you enough how much I loved you." Four days after I left, she passed.
So, as you know, the "firsts" are always the hardest. First Christmas without them, first birthday, first anniversary of their death. I often ask myself and who ever is in charge out there, why? I still get angry. I want my mother, and my dad. My mom was 65 when she died, my stepdad was 62. Why everyone so young? (oh and my aunt just turned 56) I get sad. I still want to pick up the phone and call my mom when something exciting happens or I hear a new bit of news about any of my conditions. I forget she's not there anymore. I feel her sometimes. I feel my step dad a lot. I made collages out of pictures I had of my dad after he died, and I did the same with my mom. My dad's collage has a big black and white picture of him when he was little in the middle then other pics surrounding that. My mom's has a black and white pic of her holding me as a baby and then other pics around. I have them hung side by side in my bedroom.
Other information I want to share. My grandma on my stepdad's side died when I was 16. She was your typical grandma. Large, big boobs, always had an apron on, and a great cook. She was great. Then after my stepdad died in November of 1985 my grandpa (stepdad's dad) died in Janurary of 1986.
I believe in karma, and here's something interesting. I always new that my stepdad loved my mom, forever. It nearly killed him when she left. And I new that she really loved him, but he drank a lot (WW2 vet). There was 18 years difference between them in age, it had been almost exactly 18 years since my dad passed that my mom passed, I was born on December 18th, and close enough, my grandson was born October 19th 2003, a month after mom died.
So, I really don't know what I'm trying to get across, but I know how difficult it is for you LFR, probably more so for you since you are much younger than I am. It does getter easier, never better (I believe) and when they say time heals, it doesn't really, it just makes it easier to deal with your loss as time goes by, but it never really heals.
Remember them fondly and always know that your loved ones who have passed are just a "reach" away.
Try to read Jamie VanPraaghs books about death. They are very comforting. I read "HEALING GRIEF Reclaiming Life After Any Loss" This is good, it even deals with the loss of a pet. It deals with all kinds of loss and relationships. There is another one by him, "TALKING TO HEAVEN". My aunt read that one after her brother died and reallyh liked it. I haven't read it yet. But I can tell you that I totally related to the first one I mentioned. It made me laugh, it made my heart sing, and it made me cry.
I hope this helps even a wee bit. Don't keep your feelings back. Even if you are by yourself, talk out loud. No emotion is a bad one. And if you feel overwhelmed it's okay to talk to a proffessional. I did, still do.
Here's wishing you a good spirit.
tk
In 1980 my son was born, a wonderful experience, however, one month after his death my Grandma at the age of only 58 died. She was the best, I loved her more than anything. As a strange and rebellious teenager, she seemed to accept me just as I was without question. It was hard, because I had been there with her the day the doc told her she only had six months to live.
Time passed and I grew up and then I had a few friends who passed. The hardest for me was in 2000 (I think) when my friend who was only 34 died of many complications from a car accident she had been in years before. She left behind many friends, and an adopted daughter. I still remember the day of her funeral (she had a pink casket!), we were standing around after the service at the grave sight, and all of a sudden a young colt started running across the yard of the stable that was next to the cemetary. I just knew that was my friends spirit letting us know she was around. I still go to her grave and sit.
Later in 2000 my uncle (mom's side) developed brain cancer and died in February 2001 at the age of 49. My family has always been small. I am an only child, and my family has basically been mostly from my mom's side since my dad and mom divorced when I was very young (2 years) and I never grew up knowing my dad's side of the family. It was always me, my mom, my aunt, my uncle and my grandma. I had a step dad when I was 4 until my mom divorced him when I was 13. HE died in 1985. I forgot to slip him in chronological order, sorry. He has been my greatest loss. I couldn't have been more loved by anyone ever, and I still feel his love to this day and I'm now 46.
After my uncle it was my mom's turn. In April of 2003 she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer that had basically spread throughtout her body, mostly her brain. I live in southern Alabama and she was in Iowa where I grew up, and I spent from May til September making 5 trips back and forth to Iowa to be with her. It seemed like everytime I got the call that told me she didn't have long, I would get there and she would get better. I stayed for a whole month one trip. The karma at this time was that I had just quit my job in February 2003 because I have Fibromyalgia, severe back injuries, as well as other medical conditions that prevent me from working. So, if I hadn't just quit my job, I would never had been able to spend as much time with her as I did. My relationship with my mother was not a good one, especially when I was younger. I always felt like I was in her way. We had a better relationship the last few years thank goodness. So it was hard on me to care for someone who never really seemed to care for me, but it's amazing what you can do for someone you love. I can remember while my step dad was in the VA, I spent 2 weeks at the hospital where he was, I stayed in the hospital guest house. I bathed him, washed his face, his feet, whatever I could, I spent 12 hours a day in ICU with him. We lived in Germany at the time (my 1st husb. was Army) so I had to make the trip across the pond to be with him. Then when I returned, only after being back a month I had to return for his funeral.
Anyway, back to mom. During the summer of 2003 while my mom was dying (she never suffered much thankfully and had pretty good concept of her surroundings) she was in an extended care facility. We had decided to bring her home when she got bad, but near the end she felt safer being in the facility. I'll never forget bringing some of her clothes to her one night so she could pick out what she wanted to wear at her wake. She had everything planned. The service the casket picked out everything. I was very lucky not to have to worry about any of that. The only thing she asked me to do was drive out to the monestary and get her an urn, which I had to carry home on the plane to Alabama! During all this, my aunt found out that she had non-hodgkins lymphoma. So here my mom was dying and her sister found out she has cancer at the same time. Talk about a whammie. Now, my relationship with my aunt is a lot like it was with my Grandma. I've always been closer to my aunt than anyone else in the family. Sooooo....after my mom passed in September 2003, my aunt couldn't attend the service since she was going thru chemo. My aunt is in remission I am so happy to say, so there is one member of my family that hasn't passed. Me and her, that's all that's left, not counting our kids.
I told you that my mom would seem to get better every time I came up. Well the last trip I made I told her that I was leaving and I couldn't come back. It was hard for both of us to say goodbye, and I rarely saw my mother cry while growing up, but her last words to me were "I never told you enough how much I loved you." Four days after I left, she passed.
So, as you know, the "firsts" are always the hardest. First Christmas without them, first birthday, first anniversary of their death. I often ask myself and who ever is in charge out there, why? I still get angry. I want my mother, and my dad. My mom was 65 when she died, my stepdad was 62. Why everyone so young? (oh and my aunt just turned 56) I get sad. I still want to pick up the phone and call my mom when something exciting happens or I hear a new bit of news about any of my conditions. I forget she's not there anymore. I feel her sometimes. I feel my step dad a lot. I made collages out of pictures I had of my dad after he died, and I did the same with my mom. My dad's collage has a big black and white picture of him when he was little in the middle then other pics surrounding that. My mom's has a black and white pic of her holding me as a baby and then other pics around. I have them hung side by side in my bedroom.
Other information I want to share. My grandma on my stepdad's side died when I was 16. She was your typical grandma. Large, big boobs, always had an apron on, and a great cook. She was great. Then after my stepdad died in November of 1985 my grandpa (stepdad's dad) died in Janurary of 1986.
I believe in karma, and here's something interesting. I always new that my stepdad loved my mom, forever. It nearly killed him when she left. And I new that she really loved him, but he drank a lot (WW2 vet). There was 18 years difference between them in age, it had been almost exactly 18 years since my dad passed that my mom passed, I was born on December 18th, and close enough, my grandson was born October 19th 2003, a month after mom died.
So, I really don't know what I'm trying to get across, but I know how difficult it is for you LFR, probably more so for you since you are much younger than I am. It does getter easier, never better (I believe) and when they say time heals, it doesn't really, it just makes it easier to deal with your loss as time goes by, but it never really heals.
Remember them fondly and always know that your loved ones who have passed are just a "reach" away.
Try to read Jamie VanPraaghs books about death. They are very comforting. I read "HEALING GRIEF Reclaiming Life After Any Loss" This is good, it even deals with the loss of a pet. It deals with all kinds of loss and relationships. There is another one by him, "TALKING TO HEAVEN". My aunt read that one after her brother died and reallyh liked it. I haven't read it yet. But I can tell you that I totally related to the first one I mentioned. It made me laugh, it made my heart sing, and it made me cry.
I hope this helps even a wee bit. Don't keep your feelings back. Even if you are by yourself, talk out loud. No emotion is a bad one. And if you feel overwhelmed it's okay to talk to a proffessional. I did, still do.
Here's wishing you a good spirit.
tk
renee_ky
01-17-2005, 09:28 AM
lfr- After such a wonderful response from tk, I do not have much to add. I just want to tell you that you are not alone, we will all be here anytime you need to come here to talk. Please read and re-read what tk has written.
Renee
Renee
sunshine12
01-20-2005, 07:32 PM
Tk, I wanted to add I lost my entire family, aunt, dad, mom, gramps even my dog in a two year span. I don't know how I got thru it now. But several years later I was till crying. I went to a therapist and he said Young lady, you have suffered more loss in two years then most people have in a life time..your doing fine and it's ok to cry.
Somehow I felt better after he said that to me. My mom used to tell me if she could break thru she would..lol I haven't seen any signs but I know she is here. Hang in there, it gets better with time.
Somehow I felt better after he said that to me. My mom used to tell me if she could break thru she would..lol I haven't seen any signs but I know she is here. Hang in there, it gets better with time.
tkgoodspirit
01-23-2005, 12:49 AM
Tk, I wanted to add I lost my entire family, aunt, dad, mom, gramps even my dog in a two year span. I don't know how I got thru it now. But several years later I was till crying. I went to a therapist and he said Young lady, you have suffered more loss in two years then most people have in a life time..your doing fine and it's ok to cry.
Somehow I felt better after he said that to me. My mom used to tell me if she could break thru she would..lol I haven't seen any signs but I know she is here. Hang in there, it gets better with time.
Hi sunshine: Well, we surely know how each other feels. As for the dogs, I know what you mean there. In April of last year, I lost my old friend of nearly 10 years on April 4, and then on April 26, I lost my other old friend. I told my vet, that one more trip up here and she'd be putting me to sleep!
The first dog I got at the pound when he was about 3 or so years old and I had him 10 years. Bless his soul he was the best friend I ever had. I drove around for weeks just crying. I was driving to the pharmacy not long after he was put to sleep, and I have to drive by my vet on the way, well, of course I started crying at the mere sight of my vet's place, I cried so hard (not a good thing while driving) one of my contacts came out and I had to sit in the parking lot at the pharmacy and put it back in my eye before I went in the store! It took me a month to even pick his dish up off the floor. My husband worked offshore at the time and was gone, so because "Jackson" was so big I had to have him creamated. So he's sitting in his little doggie urn next to my mom's urn. I knew it was his time the night before I had him put to sleep cuz he was up all night panting (called "terminal panting") and he just couldn't get comfy, I even laid on the floor with him. The next morning I let him outside early, and later I found him in his old doghouse ( he used to stay outside with his buddy (my other old dog) ) sleeping, and I couldn't hardly wake him, his hearing was bad. When he stopped at the bottom of the steps that went up the deck and just looked at me, I knew it was time. I took him up to our vet (of 10 years) and held him while he left me to go run and chase cats. (one of his favorite things to do before he got too old) My vet had commented on how I was doing good by letting him go while he still had some dignity. She said she sees so many people (usually elderly folks) just hang onto their pets until they no longer can function with dignity. I couldn't let him go that far. I'm sure I could've let him hang on a bit longer, but I just couldn't stand to see him so pitiful. It brings tears to my eyes now as I type this and picture him standing there looking at me at the bottom of the deck stairs. That dog traveled all over with me. We made trips to Iowa to see my mom, to Minnesota to stay with my aunt for a summer, he was absolutely wonderful.
My other "old guy" was kind of "aquired" from an ex-landlady. We rented a little cottage that was behind her big beach house for a few years. This was her dog, and when she died, no one in the family wanted the dog, so we took him with us when we moved into our new home. That was in 1999 and he lived until 2004 with us. He was always an "outside" dog, never house trained. So he and Jackson would "pal around" out in my fenced yard, until Jackson got old and wanted to be inside. But Keke ( I did not name him! LOL) liked being in the yard, he was protecting it! LOL It was a treat for him when I brought him in during cold tempatures, although he usually pottied on the floor! LOL He developed diabetes earlier last year, and we were treating him with insulin shots, (now that's a fun thing to do!) but one day he just "fell apart". He was shaking and messing himself, and he looked so pitiful like he didn't understand what was happening. So, my husband was home at the time, he took him to our vet, and she called to tell us that it was time. She had to give him a light sedative to calm him until we got there. And once again, I found myself holding my big furry freind in my arms while he crossed the "Rainbow Bridge". Keke is buried in our back yard, protecting it to this day.
I still have two dogs. (had all four at one time) A golden retriever named Cleo who is about 8 years old. I fear she'll be next to go. And a new young mini Australian Shepard who literally found us. He belonged to a lady down the road, and he kept showing up at our back door and would sit there and howl! So we kept taking him back, only for him to show up again. We called her, left our number and she never called back. We knew his name was Buddy and that he apparantly had been adopted by this lady from the pound, and that whoever owned him before had abused him, as his neck was shaven from an embedded collar. So now we have Buddy and he sleeps in our bed. Where ever someone is sitting, he's right there with you.
I thank God for animals everyday. I have all kinds of furry friends who show up in my yard for an occassional treat. Right now, if I count, I get about 6 neighborhood dogs (we live in the country) who visit me on a regular basis, as well as two cats with no names that I feed in my greenhouse!
I just had to share my pet stories with you, since you seem to be a "dog person" too. Are you familiar with the poem "The Rainbow Bridge"? If not, look it up. It's very touching. Also, my cousin sent me a book called "DOG HEAVEN" by Cynthia Rylant. Its really wonderful. It tells the story of losing your pet, but how your pet will be waiting for you when YOU cross the "bridge".
All my best to you with recovering from your many losses,
tk
P.S. If you ever have or have had dreams with your mom in them, then she is "breaking through". :)
Somehow I felt better after he said that to me. My mom used to tell me if she could break thru she would..lol I haven't seen any signs but I know she is here. Hang in there, it gets better with time.
Hi sunshine: Well, we surely know how each other feels. As for the dogs, I know what you mean there. In April of last year, I lost my old friend of nearly 10 years on April 4, and then on April 26, I lost my other old friend. I told my vet, that one more trip up here and she'd be putting me to sleep!
The first dog I got at the pound when he was about 3 or so years old and I had him 10 years. Bless his soul he was the best friend I ever had. I drove around for weeks just crying. I was driving to the pharmacy not long after he was put to sleep, and I have to drive by my vet on the way, well, of course I started crying at the mere sight of my vet's place, I cried so hard (not a good thing while driving) one of my contacts came out and I had to sit in the parking lot at the pharmacy and put it back in my eye before I went in the store! It took me a month to even pick his dish up off the floor. My husband worked offshore at the time and was gone, so because "Jackson" was so big I had to have him creamated. So he's sitting in his little doggie urn next to my mom's urn. I knew it was his time the night before I had him put to sleep cuz he was up all night panting (called "terminal panting") and he just couldn't get comfy, I even laid on the floor with him. The next morning I let him outside early, and later I found him in his old doghouse ( he used to stay outside with his buddy (my other old dog) ) sleeping, and I couldn't hardly wake him, his hearing was bad. When he stopped at the bottom of the steps that went up the deck and just looked at me, I knew it was time. I took him up to our vet (of 10 years) and held him while he left me to go run and chase cats. (one of his favorite things to do before he got too old) My vet had commented on how I was doing good by letting him go while he still had some dignity. She said she sees so many people (usually elderly folks) just hang onto their pets until they no longer can function with dignity. I couldn't let him go that far. I'm sure I could've let him hang on a bit longer, but I just couldn't stand to see him so pitiful. It brings tears to my eyes now as I type this and picture him standing there looking at me at the bottom of the deck stairs. That dog traveled all over with me. We made trips to Iowa to see my mom, to Minnesota to stay with my aunt for a summer, he was absolutely wonderful.
My other "old guy" was kind of "aquired" from an ex-landlady. We rented a little cottage that was behind her big beach house for a few years. This was her dog, and when she died, no one in the family wanted the dog, so we took him with us when we moved into our new home. That was in 1999 and he lived until 2004 with us. He was always an "outside" dog, never house trained. So he and Jackson would "pal around" out in my fenced yard, until Jackson got old and wanted to be inside. But Keke ( I did not name him! LOL) liked being in the yard, he was protecting it! LOL It was a treat for him when I brought him in during cold tempatures, although he usually pottied on the floor! LOL He developed diabetes earlier last year, and we were treating him with insulin shots, (now that's a fun thing to do!) but one day he just "fell apart". He was shaking and messing himself, and he looked so pitiful like he didn't understand what was happening. So, my husband was home at the time, he took him to our vet, and she called to tell us that it was time. She had to give him a light sedative to calm him until we got there. And once again, I found myself holding my big furry freind in my arms while he crossed the "Rainbow Bridge". Keke is buried in our back yard, protecting it to this day.
I still have two dogs. (had all four at one time) A golden retriever named Cleo who is about 8 years old. I fear she'll be next to go. And a new young mini Australian Shepard who literally found us. He belonged to a lady down the road, and he kept showing up at our back door and would sit there and howl! So we kept taking him back, only for him to show up again. We called her, left our number and she never called back. We knew his name was Buddy and that he apparantly had been adopted by this lady from the pound, and that whoever owned him before had abused him, as his neck was shaven from an embedded collar. So now we have Buddy and he sleeps in our bed. Where ever someone is sitting, he's right there with you.
I thank God for animals everyday. I have all kinds of furry friends who show up in my yard for an occassional treat. Right now, if I count, I get about 6 neighborhood dogs (we live in the country) who visit me on a regular basis, as well as two cats with no names that I feed in my greenhouse!
I just had to share my pet stories with you, since you seem to be a "dog person" too. Are you familiar with the poem "The Rainbow Bridge"? If not, look it up. It's very touching. Also, my cousin sent me a book called "DOG HEAVEN" by Cynthia Rylant. Its really wonderful. It tells the story of losing your pet, but how your pet will be waiting for you when YOU cross the "bridge".
All my best to you with recovering from your many losses,
tk
P.S. If you ever have or have had dreams with your mom in them, then she is "breaking through". :)