Well my brother has been diagnosed with ADHD, dyslexia, and disgraphic, he also has speech problems among other things. He's getting ready to be 13 and even though he's always been a bit abusive towards me and my mother his violence is excalating. He says he hates my mom and he's threatened to kill me (more than once) whenever we try to wake him up for school. He's a hassle to wake up for school and my mom can't seem to get him to listen to her. He has no regards for rules (his bed times 9, and no matter how many times my dad tells him to go to bed it doesn't work.) I've been trying to tell my mom from the beginning that she should discipline him more because she'll let him get away with anything (she's got fibermyalgia and she used to sleep alot and I was stuck watching him). And now that I'm 18 she forbids me to touch him (my fathers in the military, used to be gone for a long time i was the one who would normally discipline him when mom wasn't up). And now he's like telling her that if my mom touches him that he'll call social services and blah and that he hates this family. He's been doing this for years but it's getting worse and my parent's aren't really doing anything about it. They'll try and wake him up but when he wont they'll stop fighting with him and he'll stay home. I feel like its my fault because I used to stay home all the time because I was sick. But I would always wake up and get mom and my brother up so that he could go to school, when I wasn't sick. Most of the time when I stayed home he stayed home because I couldn't get up. I just recently started college and I'm living at home. Hearing them fight in the morning is horrible. Mom bangs on the walls and he screams. He isn't at grade level and his in 6th grade and his teacher just congratulated him like 3 weeks ago for going through his first week of school (and he's been in school since August 16th!). It's getting out of hand, if anyone could possibly offer any advice/ways to get him to listen, it'd be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

layvandria

Has he ever had an in depth mental health eval done on him?this sounds more like some sort of a bi polar disorder or something more along those lines.Marcia

yeah he has, once I think. He used to be on ritalin, and other drugs but my mom took him off them because they weren't doing any good. And he had a therapist but she told my mom that my mom was doing everything that she could do and that she didn't need to see him anymore because he was improving. This was maybe 3 years ago, and at the time he was in the Boy's and Girl's club, which helped some because he wasn't at home and he was with kids his own age but after a year of that he stopped going. And now he started taking karate and is trying to hit me and stuff. It could very well be that he has bi-polar, it runs in my family and me and my mom both have the characteristic mood disorder of it. I'm abit afraid for them when i go off to finish up school. >.<

. I feel like its my fault because I used to stay home all the time because I was sick.

First and foremost, sweetie, NONE of this is YOUR fault!!! I am totally blown away at how much responsibility for your brother you've had at such a young age. What a great person you are that you care so much and have done so much for your Mom and brother.

What I think is *desperately* needed here is some family counseling for your parents and your brother. Your parents need help with their parenting skills. Your brother needs help with anger management. And you, dear child, need to be released from so much responsibility.

My opinion is this: try to get them to go for counseling again. He may have been improving 3 years ago but that was then and this is now. Once you *try* that, whether or not you are successful, I hereby grant you permission to go to college and live your own life WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY!!! You have done all you can do. Okay?

I can't help but feel guilty though. Thing is my parents don't think they're parenting skills are out of whack. And it sounds like a great idea, aslong as I don't go because I hate talking to a counselor about family issues with family in the room with me. I have my own therapist and my mom used to invite herself into my session which was horrible and then try and make herself seem like a concerned parent when all she was trying to do was make me feel guilty for talking about how much of a horrible person she is. Both my parents have joked about my brother going off with me to college and crap and frankly I don't think it's funny. I just don't understand why they had no problem spanking my little hind end but they won't touch him. They'll yell profusely and I hate yelling. I can't imagine what it does for his psyche, I just know what it's done for mine. But thank you for your kind words and advice. I just need a way to figure out how to get them into counseling....:|

You are taking way too much responsibility for the whole situation. You are only 18 years old. I respect you so much for wanting to do more! All you can do is really take care of yourself. You can't fix everyone else! It sounds like you have been the one that your mom has depended on. You have had to grow up really early. You can try to help your brother by "being there" and able for him to talk to you. Beyond that you can't fix all of the dynamics between him and your mom.
I agree, if they would go to counseling, it would help them alot. You need to let yourself feel okay about taking care of yourself. It isn't selfish for you to do that. Give yourself a hug! You deserve it!

I just need a way to figure out how to get them into counseling....:|

Okay. If your parents don't see a problem with their parenting skills, then you're right, you're not going to get them into counseling to discuss that. TRY to talk to them about how your brother is out of control and needs to try counseling again. A good counselor should easily pick up on the fact that your parents need some help as well.

Again, though, let me reiterate that ALL I'm saying is try that and then let go. It isn't your responsibility even to get them counseling. This situation is *not* your responsibility and it, most definitely, is NOT your fault.

When you go away to college (alone!) and your mom can't interfere, you may want to try counseling again for yourself. My guess is that, at some point, you're going to need to grieve for the childhood you didn't have.

God Bless You and good luck!

actually i already have started grieving my childhood; ive started watching cartoons all over again after years of looking down at it as childish and playing video games. I'll see what I can do. Maybe i should bring it an as "I think he needs another counselor" and hopefully it'll take off from there. thank you everyone for your help. God bless you all <3

Hi!

You sound exactly like me when I was your age, except that I wasn't sick as often as you.
First of all, I am oldest of 3, and my Mom has fibromyalgia and TMJ (probably a side effect of the Fibro). When she was pg with my bro (the baby), she was so sick that I had to get up and get off to Kindergarten by myself (my bus stop was across a quiet street, so she looked out the window and told me when I could cross). Things were okay for a while. Then one day, he started becoming argumentative, aggressive, and sometimes even violent toward us, his two older sisters. When he was in the last years of elementary school, he started fighting with my mom over school, saying that it was boring, and he would tell her that if she spanked him (it never really hurt him anyway, as he was already almost stronger than her)or made him get up for school, he would report her for abuse, that he hated all of us, etc. Finally, they gave up trying to get him up for school, and he stayed home almost every day. He dropped out of high school when he was 17, and sat around doing nothing but playing computer games.

My dad, in all of this, was either at work, or when he was home, was on the computer. All day long. When my mom would get fed up with one of us, she would call for him, and he would yell from the computer room, "(insert name here), the hammer's coming down!" meaning if he had to get up, you were really gonna get it. When the last strike came, he would get up, and spank my brother (or whoever) as hard as he could. Because of this, my brother disrespects my father at every turn, which I find hard to blame him for. My DH has also seen this behavior in me (disrespect for my father, muttering behind his back, mouthing back to him), but I try to tell him it is only because the only parenting my father did was the discipline part. He never showed that he cared about us (except on Christmas or b-days, to buy us gifts), and he was always criticizing every little thing he saw wrong with us. I ask him why (as an adult), I need to respect someone who NEVER gives me any? I never thought this way when I was younger - I admit I was wrong for mouthing back or whatever. Anyway....

As a result of dropping out, my brother started hanging out with drug addicts (yes, it was "only" pot, but I SAW the damage it did to all who used it, as well as its effect on our family, so I consider it as harmful as any other drug), drinking, and getting into trouble. He did eventually get his GED, but only because he WANTED to get a job, and he couldn't get one without it. A few years later, he entered the Army, but was discharged because an injury he sustained in a fight years before made it too difficult for him to perform well enough. Now, he has no job, owes money on a truck that was repossessed, and has NO motivation in life.

Bi-polar disorder also runs in my family (my grandfather on my mom's side has it, I think, and I KNOW my mom's sister has it), BTW. Sometimes I think I might have inherited it, too, but I'll have to check into that a little more.
I agree with everyone that it isn't your fault, but it's hard to see that when all you know is how life is at your home. I would stick it out until you go to college, and then move out. If mom wants your brother to go with you, tell her, "I love you and dad, and I love "brother" very much. But I am going out on my own now, just as "brother" will have to someday." And have that be the end of it. Even if she tries to lay a guilt trip on you, even if she begs and promises and pleads with you, let it fall on deaf ears. You have had to deal with him for too long already, and they need to step up and raise their son themSELVES. You are not his parent, you did not choose to bring him into this world, so they need to take their responsibility back and take charge of him.

This is what I did - only I got married and moved to another town - and now my parents realize that they have a useless BUM at home, who eats their food and uses their utilities, etc, and NEVER contributes or repays them in any way. And no matter how much my Dad tries to kick him out, my mother won't have it.
I really hope that your brother gets help somehow right NOW, before he gets to be 17 and goes in the direction that mine did. It is no life for anyone, and I would hate for another young man to be drawn off onto that road.
I don't know if I said anything to help, but I am here to talk if you need to. Good luck in all you do, and I'll be thinking about you.

Have a good day!
G Tonello