I am having my second nervous break down. The depression is making the monsoon season here look positively pleasent. I quit my job and am trying to recover. I am struggling to just take care of the day to day. I made myself paint today. I miss my job. I taught middle school. The kids were great. I left because of the administration and the environment was hostile. I want to work but i do not have the energy, and i do not want to put up with mean people. I need someone to talk to. I need to talk till i talk myself out of the depression and into a solution. I Know it will take time to regroup after this break down. I just want it to go away and move on to the next stage of purpose. I think what adds to my depression is the lack of purpose. I don't even know what i want to do next. I have always had a goal or purpose to be striving for. I feel so defeated; i do not even think it would matter if i had a goal. It would not be abtainable. I feel like i am captured in a cast system with no recourse, no hope of improvement. I received recognition for one of my paintings, and i can not even appreciate the recognition. I does not seem real enough to me.
My depression is so much larger than my small life. It is exhausting me. I keep trying to remind myself even through the depression I am a creative and loveable person. I am capable of loving... but the depression is growing and i am engulfed again into that dark palace. I am coasting for a few months and then i must become serious concerning my recovery. I have been here before and will recovery again....
If i did not suffer so i would be a proud person with so little substance. i can laugh a little about that. It is ment to be funny and perhaps remind me that if I were not humbled I would be too proud and try to take over the world.
Hoping tomorrow will be better.
Bastila

but the depression is growing and i am engulfed again into that dark palace.



I know how you feel. I'm not able to work or go to college now either so I know what thats like. I hope you can find a better job and be able to go back to work.